Social skills for autonomous people
When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical

Some scary controlling people will tell you over and over how important consent is to them. They will tell you that they want to respect your boundaries, and that if anything makes you uncomfortable, they will stop. They will say this over and over, apparently sincerely.

Until you actually say no.

And then, suddenly, they create a reason that it wasn’t ok, after all, and that you’re going to do what they wanted anyway.

They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).

Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)

Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).

Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)

If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong. 

No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal

  1. arrowhearts reblogged this from themiragechild
  2. zahgurim reblogged this from heterophobiaisfun
  3. heterophobiaisfun reblogged this from tgstonebutch
  4. tgstonebutch reblogged this from realsocialskills
  5. allthewaytonopetopia reblogged this from realsocialskills
  6. tamlyn-marie reblogged this from ssjumi
  7. transexplorer reblogged this from realsocialskills and added:
    I know this was not written with BDSM in mind but I feel like it’s very relevant, and also for sexuality in general....
  8. ssjumi reblogged this from jellyfishdirigible
  9. deathxhead reblogged this from realsocialskills
  10. theineffableamberjae reblogged this from realsocialskills
  11. everythinginappropiate reblogged this from takealookatyourlife
  12. goodmourningu reblogged this from realsocialskills
  13. jotun-philosopher reblogged this from realsocialskills
  14. dalia-one reblogged this from realsocialskills
  15. kneltnotbowed reblogged this from strangeharpy
  16. myblackeyeddemon reblogged this from winterywitch
  17. wonderingghostrabbit reblogged this from winterywitch
  18. biggi--n reblogged this from yellowmarshmallows
  19. yellowmarshmallows reblogged this from ullragg
  20. ullragg reblogged this from shonenprince
  21. manysinistersoups reblogged this from winterywitch
  22. shonenprince reblogged this from winterywitch
  23. raphael-lafarge reblogged this from realsocialskills
  24. valkyriemon reblogged this from winterywitch