social skills powerful people need to learn

Being dependent on vs being limited by

September 18, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

This isn’t quite the right concept but… these things are different:

being dependent on something
being unpleasantly or destructively limited by something

Being dependent on something can be really good. It can make things possible that weren’t before it. We’re all dependent on technology in one way or another (for instance, heating and air conditioning. Shoes. Large-scale agriculture.).

Sometimes people object to dependence because they think it will impose an unpleasant limitation. Even when it would actually make more things possible.

Like, someone thinks they (or someone in their care) shouldn’t use a wheelchair because then they’ll only be able to go where a wheelchair can go. They won’t be able to use stairs and such anymore. And sometimes this is true.

But often, this can mean that someone can only go as far as they can walk, and can only stay out for as long as they can stand. So they have trouble leaving the house, or going places for long periods of time. And are much more limited than they otherwise would be. Dependence isn’t bad, if it makes you able to do more things.

AAC can be like this, too. Verbal speech is more flexible, in principle, all things being equal. But all things aren’t equal, even for people who have some verbal speech. The important thing is for someone to have as much communication as possible. For people who get more communication from relying on things other than speech, dependence isn’t a bad thing. It’s good. It makes life better.

Getting more ability to do stuff you care about should be the goal. Not a particular way of doing it. Not judged against a theoretical ideal. Judged against what actually works best for you (or your child).

A school project not to assign

September 15, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

If you are a teacher, do not ask your students to make a family tree as a school assignment. *Especially* do not do this as a class art project to be posted on the wall.

A lot of kids have very complicated families, and complicated feelings about which words to use for which people.

For instance: Some kids call multiple people “mom”. Sometimes this is because they’re being raised by a lesbian couple. Sometimes this is because they are adopted and also maintaining a relationship with their mother who gave birth to them. Sometimes this is because their parents divorced and remarried and they also see their stepparents as parents. None of these relationships map easily onto a family tree project.

Some kids don’t have any parents at all. This isn’t something that they should have to tell their peers if they don’t want to.

Some kids aren’t sure who their parents are. Is it the people who adopted them when they were a baby and disrupted when they were six? The person who gave birth to them? The people they’re living with now? The one nice staff in their group home? The person they’re in foster care with who they’re hoping will eventually adopt them? It’s complicated and not ok to ask kids to declare this in writing in front of everyone.

There are any number of emotionally fraught and complicated situations that go along with describing families. It’s not good to have kids do that as part of an assignment, unless you’re working in a context in which getting people to do emotionally fraught things is appropriate.

Respect names

August 28, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

This is something that often happens in English-speaking schools to kids from other cultures:

A kid has a non-English name
The teacher decides it would be better if they had an English name
They give the kid a different name, and refuse to call them their actual name
Or heavily pressure the kid into changing their name

This also happens to some kids in foster care. Their foster parents or social workers will decide that their name is a problem, and assign them a different name.

Some reasons adults in power will cite for doing this to kids in their care:

The name is hard to pronounce
Other kids make fun of the name
A kid with a non-English name will feel different from the other kids
Having a different name will make it easier for the kid to assimilate into English-speaking culture
And then the teacher makes the kid use a different name, one that’s more usual in English

Don’t do this. Names are important. It’s not ok to change someone else’s name.

It’s actually *more* important not to change a kid’s name if other kids are making fun of it, because:

You’re teaching the kid that their name is wrong
And that it’s their own fault they’re being bullied, that it’s because they’re weird
It also teaches the bullies that it’s ok to bully people for having weird names, and that they’re entitled to have other people erase themselves for their sake
A kid who is being bullied for their name will also be bullied for other things, especially if they are from a non-English-speaking culture
Changing the kid’s name will not stop this, it will just make the rest of it harder to take

Names are important. Respecting someone’s name is part of respecting them as a person. It’s not ok to change their name for your convenience.

Erasing the line

August 5, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

There’s this line that people believe in. That, as a person with a disability, you had better be on the right side of, or else.

This is how the trope goes:

If you’re on the right side of the line, you’re almost-normal. Sure, you’re disabled, but the only real disability in life is a bad attitude. You’re fine. Really. So inspiring. Just don’t demand special treatment.

If you’re on the wrong side of the line, you’re not really a person. You get called the r-word. Or low functioning. Or having a young mental age. Or whatever term for “not quite a real person” is currently fashionable. You’re seen as someone who needs to be institutionalized. Controlled. Protected. Micromanaged. For your own good. Because you’re dangerous. No one should have to deal with someone like you.

Everyone’s afraid that they’ll end up on the wrong side of the line. Or that their kid will. Because the line could always get drawn differently, and you could easily end up on the wrong side, this time. Because the line is about power, and perception, not innate qualities.

People are often afraid that if their kid waves their hand too much, the line will get drawn on the wrong side of them. Or if they hit people. Or if they yell. Or if they fail a class. Or can’t learn to drive. It’s terrifying. No one wants to disapear into that place beyond the line, and no one decent wants to see their kid end up there. (The unfortunate reality is that some parents very much do want to put their kid on that side of the line. But they shouldn’t, and a lot of people don’t.)

The thing is, the line is not real. The r-word doesn’t apply to anyone. Neither does “low functioning”, which is the new pseudo-clinincal way of calling people the r-word. The line is something that gets done to people, not a description of attributes people actually have.

Keeping this in mind helps. It’s not a complete defense; people are going to draw lines and you might someday end up on the wrong side no matter what you do (although there are ways of resisting).

But it helps to know that you don’t deserve it, and that you’re a full human being no matter what happens. And that your kid is. And that everyone else is too.

And, if you know that the line isn’t real, it can help you to avoid hurting people. If you know that people are fully real and that the r-word doesn’t apply to anyone, you can learn not to think of anyone as too r-word or low functioning to be real. If you know the line isn’t real, you can stop drawing it and respect everyone. That’s not everything. But it’s something.

Crucial differences

August 3, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

These things are different:

Wanting something to be true
Wanting to think something is true
Wanting someone else to feel like something is true
Wanting reassurance that something is true

An example:

Interacting with someone consensually
Feeling like your interactions are consensual
Having that person think of the interactions as consensual
Having that person reassure you that things are consensual.

And another:

Not wanting to put someone in danger
Wanting to feel like a safe person
Wanting someone to feel safe
Wanting someone to reassure you that they feel safe

And these:

Seeking to avoid abusing anyone
Seeking to avoid seeing yourself as an abusive person
Wanting others to see you as someone who doesn’t abuse others
Wanting others to reassure you that you’re not the kind of person who abuses people

And this too:

Respecting someone’s boundaries
Feeling like you’re a person who respects boundaries
Wanting someone to feel as though their boundaries are being respected
Wanting someone to reassure you that you’re not crossing any lines

If you don’t understand the difference, you’re dangerous to people you have power over.

Because feelings and perceptions can be manipulated without changing the underlying reality.

Making people feel safe isn’t enough; you also have to create real safety. Making people tell you that you’re not crossing a line isn’t enough; you have to actually care about their boundaries. Seeing yourself as a non-abusive person isn’t enough; you have to actively pay attention to treating people well.

If you want to do right by people, you have to care about the reality.

Another thing about privilege

July 21, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

If you have a lot of privilege, you’ve learned to take up all or most of the space when you’re around people below you in the hierarchy.

It’s important to learn to stop doing that. It’s important to learn how to be in a space without dominating it. It means learning to listen to people you’ve been systemically taught that it’s ok to talk over.

This can be hard to learn. When you stop dominating spaces, you have to live with less control, space, and attention than you’ve become accustomed to. You’re going to feel constrained, and like the other people are taking up all the space – even if you’re still taking up most of it.

And, once it becomes clear that you’re trying, people will express anger at you a lot more than then used to. This might feel really unfair, since you’re acting better than you ever have before, yet you’re attracting a lot more anger and criticism.

The reason it works this way is because people used to put up with you treating them badly because they didn’t see any point in objecting. Most people who have privilege and power over others don’t especially care about how it hurts people. Further, a lot of them get really angry and retaliate when it’s pointed out. You’ve shown that you’re someone who might actually listen. That means you’re the one who gets yelled at.

It’s not fair, but the people who are yelling at you aren’t the ones responsible for the unfairness. Don’t get angry at them for it – get angry at the people like you who aren’t getting yelled at because they don’t give a damn. And maybe start calling them on it and make their indifference cost them something. You’re probably in a much better position to do this than the people below you in the hierarchy.

And keep in mind that the situation faced by the people who are yelling at you is a hell of a lot more unfair than the situation you’re in.

That said, don’t beat yourself up for feeling frustrated, either. This is hard, and it’s ok to find it difficult. You’re going to make mistakes, and some of this is really going to suck. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you can’t learn how to act right. (Also, sometimes people will tell you that you’re oppressing them when you’re not. You can’t automatically assume that everyone is right when they tell you off – but if you’re in a highly privileged group and you think *everyone* who is telling you off is wrong, you’re probably the one who is wrong.)

Just keep trying, and don’t make the people below you responsible for making you feel better.

Acknowledging power

June 23, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

When you have power over someone, it’s important to acknowledge it. If you don’t acknowledge that you have power, it’s hard to examine your use of it. If you’re not paying attention to how you’re using your power, you will come to abuse it, and you won’t notice.

Sometimes, when people are uncomfortable having power over others, they deal with this by telling jokes about it. These jokes are about either denying that they have power, or denying that they’d ever be capable of abusing it. For instance:

Jokes about how people who they have power over are really in charge (eg: “Sometimes I say my secretary is *my* boss”, “I’m the teacher, but the kids are really running the show”.
Jokes about how they could abuse power. (“Next thing you know, I’ll be having you interns fetch my dry cleaning and babysitting my kids.”)
Jokes about how people could overthrow them. (“I see you three gossiping. Plotting a revolt?”)
Jokes about being an oppressive boss (“I’m such a big mean ogre.”)
Pretend unreasonable orders (“We all have to work until midnight… haha just kidding, go enjoy your family”)

These jokes are especially bad when they’re told by a powerful person to someone they outrank. They’re basically the humor equivilent of saying, “You’d better tell me that I don’t actually have power over you and that I never misuse it.”

Getting people to tell you that you’re a good person doesn’t help you to treat others well. Acknowledging your power, thinking about how you use it, and soliciting and listening to actual feedback does.

Another thing about therapy

June 6, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

A good percentage of people who need therapy only get it after repeatedly failing at things everyone around them can do. (Especially developmentally disabled children). This is often humiliating.

This means that therapy can be triggering. Therapy involves focusing on difficulties that someone has learned to regard as humiliating flaws. It’s important to keep this in mind when you give therapy.

Don’t expect someone to trust you right away. You have to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. You have to show them that you can be relied on to treat them respectfully. You have to demonstrate that you won’t ever regard them as broken, or make respecting them contingent on them progressing toward a cure.

And it needs to be true. You can’t just affect safety and kindness. You have to actually be trustworthy in a deep way, and let that show through your action.

You don’t get to decide when you have established trust; you don’t get to decide when someone receiving therapy should feel safe. It’s up to the person getting the therapy. (Even if they are a child.)

And if you understand this, you’ll be much more able to help people.

More about respectful therapy

June 3, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This applies to both adults and children. Respect is really important.

Some of what this means is:

Understand that people who need therapy are going to have trouble with it sometimes:

People who have therapy have it because some things are hard for them. This is normal and should be expected in a therapy context.
Being in therapy doesn’t make things easy. It just means someone is getting help learning something
Expect that it’s going to be hard for the person you’re teaching to learn the things you are teaching them
And sometimes they will have trouble in ways you didn’t anticipate
When they are having more trouble than you expect, don’t get angry
And don’t make fun of them
And don’t accuse them of being lazy or wasting your time
And especially, don’t tell them that if they’d just *try*, they’d be able to do it
Help them find a way to figure out how to do the thing.
This means sometimes you might have to spend an hour or hours searching for a way to successfully explain something you think of as simple or obvious
This is part of your job. You’re there to help people figure out how to do things, and sometimes that’s hard.
It’s not ok to get angry at or frustrated with someone when they’re having trouble understanding something. If you’re feeling that way, it’s your problem and not theirs, and you need to find help dealing with it.
Treat people with consistent respect. That makes a huge difference.

Respect your client’s priorities:

Adults in therapy get to decide which things they want to work on
If they want help with one thing, and you think something else would be more helpful, it’s their call and not yours
It’s ok to tell them what you’d advise and why
It’s not ok to coerce them into doing what you want
It’s also not ok to treat them as less-than-human or unworthy of help if their priorities are different from yours
For instance, someone might care about reducing pain but not especially care about walking
Or someone might care about nutrition for cognitive functioning but not especially care about weight loss
And they get to decide that

Kids in therapy also have agency

Kids don’t get to decide everything the way adults do, but what they want still matters
It’s important to acknowledge that they have opinions and priorities
And it’s important to listen seriously. Sometimes they know something you don’t, and sometimes listening will change your opinion of what they should be doing in therapy
And sometimes, their opinions and priorities should be respected even if you think they are making a mistake
This is especially true of teenagers
Don’t equate kids with their parents. Sometimes kids and parents disagree. Listening to the parents isn’t enough
Do listen to the parents, though. They probably know relevant things about your child that you don’t know. Not always, but usually.