November 2014 – Page 2 – Real Social Skills

Preparing for a college interview

November 10, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Any advice for college interviews?

I have one coming up and I always get tongue-tied and I generally don’t do well at them at all, but this is a really big deal and I don’t want to mess it up…

realsocialskills said:

The best way I know of to prepare for any type of interview is to get someone else to do a practice interview with you before you do the real interview.

In a practice interview, someone asks you a whole bunch of questions that might come up, and you practice interviewing them. Once you have practiced, it can be a lot easier to answer interview questions for real.

If you’re in school, you might be able to get a teacher or guidance counselor to do a practice interview with you as you’re applying for college. A lot of adults in that role do that kind of thing regularly. Many adults in schools or teen programs really want to help their students get into school, and most people who want to help are likely to understand why practice interviews are a good idea. (If you’re currently in therapy and your therapist is someone you somewhat trust, you might also be able to convince your therapist to help you practice.)

If you don’t have a teacher or someone like that to help you practice, it can be helpful to practice with a friend. (And you might also be able to help them practice for their interview). While it’s particularly helpful to practice with someone who has good knowledge of how college admissions work, practicing with someone who doesn’t can also be very helpful.

It’s especially helpful if they ask you the questions you’re afraid of hearing. Because if a question you’re afraid of comes up in the real interview, it’s a lot harder to figure out an answer on the fly than if you’ve practiced. It can help to tell the person practicing with you what questions you’re worried about.

Some questions that some people might be worried about:

Are you worried that they’ll ask about your activities, and that you might not be able to say anything that sounds impressive
Are you unsure about what you want to study and afraid that will make you look bad?
Are you worried they’ll ask disability-related questions?

Whether or not the questions you’re nervous about come up in your real interview, it will help to have practiced them. If you feel confident about your ability to answer possibly-difficult questions, you’ll feel a lot more comfortable during the rest of the interview and it will be easier to focus on communicating.

Some questions that are very likely to come up in most college interviews:

“Why do you want to attend this college?”

Any answer that reflects positively on the school will work for this
Eg: “It’s academically rigorous”
“Some of the most interesting people I’ve met have gone to this school”
“I’ve heard really good things about the archeology department”
“The first year classics curriculum seems like an excellent foundation for further learning”
It’s also ok if the reason is partly personal, so long as it also says something specifically positive about the school, eg
“I’m looking to study pre-law and stay close to home so that I can be there for family. I like that this college has a large percentage of non-traditional students so that I will have a peer group even though I won’t be able to live on campus.”
Don’t say something that would reflect negatively on the school like “I’ve heard that everyone passes” or “I’ve heard it’s a great party schools,“ or “I just don’t want to work that hard.”

“What do you want to study?”

The answer to this question should show that you have interests, and that you like learning things
It’s ok not to know what you want to study; a lot of entering college students in the US do not.
If you’re not sure what you want to study, your answer to this should still indicate that you’ve thought about it and that you care about something, eg:
“I’m not sure yet, but I’m considering either history or political science or economics.”
“I want to learn a broad range of things before I decide for sure, but I really enjoy math.”
If you do know what you want to study, say so, and say something about what interests you about the subject (it does not need to be original, so long as it’s reasonably sincere), eg:
“I’m interested in the history of conflict. I want to try and figure out why people fight wars and how we can make peace.”
“I’m interested in studying biology so that I can eventually do medical research.”

“Do you have any questions for us?”

This question is likely pretty much any time that you’re interviewed for anything
It’s helpful to have a question in mind to ask them; it will show that you care about the school and aren’t just generically applying
The question should be something that you can’t easily google or get from their website, and it should show that you know something about the school
Eg: “I saw on the website that a lot of undergraduates do research. What’s the process like for finding a research adviser?”
(Don’t ask about possible exceptions to policies. That’s a conversation to have after you’re accepted, especially if it’s disability-related.)

Short version: If you’re interviewing for college (or anything really), it’s very helpful to do a practice interview. There is likely a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach at your school who would be willing to give you a practice interview. Having a peer do one can also work. Whoever does it, it is most effective when they ask you the questions that you’re afraid or nervous about being asked in the real interview.

Your feelings aren’t your crush’s or squish’s obligation

November 9, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

So this is a common trope in movies and TV shows:

A (usually male) character has a crush on a (usually female) character
She’s not interested and makes this clear
He devotes massive amounts of time and energy to figuring out out to communicate the depth of his feelings to her
This is shown as sympathetic
With the implication that if she just ~understood~ how he feels, then she’d realize that she should be with him
Sometimes this eventually works

This trope is really creepy, and not something you should do in real life, because:

Someone can understand your feelings about them perfectly clearly and still not be interested in dating you (or in other forms of emotional intimacy)
Feelings are not automatically reciprocated
If someone says they’re not interested, that is a decision they get to make. It’s not ok to pressure them to change their mind
Grand romantic gestures are only good if they’re welcome. If you’re repeatedly invading someones boundaries and disregarding their consent, that’s not romance, that’s stalking

A couple of examples:

Fry and Leela in Futurma
John and Liz in Garfield

Or, in other words:

If she* said no, it doesn’t mean you need to find a perfect new way of expressing just how you feel about her.
She probably knows.
That doesn’t mean she has to reciprocate. Her feelings matter, and they don’t have to match yours.
She can understand perfectly well that you want her, and still be uninterested.
You can’t just rub your feelings on her and hope they stick.
(*Likewise with other gender configurations. The target of this kind of thing is almost always female in the media, and more often than not in real life. But people of all genders do this to people of all genders, and it’s never ok. Stalking and romantic coercion don’t become ok when they’re done in ways that subvert gender stereotypes)
(This is also the case for forms of non-romantic intimacy. Your desire to be someone’s best friend is not their obligation.)

Short version: If someone says no to dating you, or to other forms of emotional intimacy, it’s important that you take no for an answer. Trying over and over to ~explain how you feel about them~ will not magically cause them to reciprocate. They can know perfectly well how you feel, and still not feel the same way. Stalking, harassment and other forms of attempts to coerce intimacy don’t become ok when you have strong feelings.