Some apologies amount to someone asking for permission to keep doing something bad.
- These apologies generally shouldn’t be accepted.
- (But it can be really hard not to, because who want permission to do bad things tend to lash out when they don’t get it.)
- (If you have to accept a bad apology to protect yourself, it’s not your fault.)
Eg:
- Moe: “I’m sorry, I know this is my privileged male opinion talking but…”
- Or, Moe: “I’m sorry, I know I’m kind of a creeper…” or “I’m sorry, I know I’m standing too close but…”
- At this point, Sarah may feel pressured to say “It’s ok.”
- If Sarah says, “Actually, it’s not ok. Please back off” or “Yes, you’re mansplaining, please knock it off”, Moe is likely to get angry.
- The thing is, it’s not ok, and Moe has no intention of stopping.
- Moe is just apologizing in order to feel ok about doing something he knows is wrong.
Another example:
- Sam is a wheelchair user. He’s trying to get through a door.
- Mary sees him and decides that he needs help.
- Mary rushes to open the door. As she does so, she says “Oh, sorry, I know I’m supposed to ask first”, with an expectant pause.
- At this point, Sam may feel pressured to say “It’s ok”, even if the ‘help’ is unwanted and unhelpful.
- If Sam says, “Yes, you should have asked first. You’re in my way. Please move”, Mary is likely to get angry and say “I was just trying to help!”.
- In this situation, Mary wasn’t really apologizing. She was asking Sam to give her permission to do something she knows is wrong.
More generally:
- Fake Apologizer: *does something they know the other person will object to*.
- Fake Apologizer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I know I’m doing The Bad Thing…” or “I guess you’re going to be mad if I…”
- Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
- The Target is then supposed to feel pressured to say something like “That’s ok”, or “I know you mean well”, or “You’re a good person, so it’s ok for you to do The Bad Thing.”
If the Target doesn’t respond by giving the Fake Apologizer permission/validation, the Fake Apologizer will often lash out. This sometimes escalates in stages, along the lines of:
- Fake Apologizer: I *said* I was sorry!
- Fake Apologizer: *expectant pause*
- The Target is then supposed to feel pressure to be grateful to the Fake Apologizer for apologizing, and then as a reward, give them permission to do The Bad Thing. (Or apologize for not letting them do The Bad Thing.)
- If the Target doesn’t respond in the way the Fake Apologizer wants, they will often escalate to intense personal insults, or even overt threats, eg:
- Fake Apologizer: I guess you’re just too bitter and broken inside to accept my good intentions. I hope you get the help you need. And/or:
- Fake Apologizer: Ok, fine. I’ll never try to do anything for you ever again. And/or
- Fake Apologizer: *storms off, and slams the door in a way that causes the person who refused their intrusive help to fall over*.
Short version: Sometimes what looks like an apology is really a manipulative demand for validation and permission to do something bad.