Tag: childhood

“I can’t” is an important phrase

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

… I think it’s more empowering to say “I decided to stop” than to say “I can’t”. It’s OK to stop when there’s still a tiny chance that you might have been able to succeed.

realsocialskills answered

There are different reasons why people decide to stop doing things.

One reason is that they reach the conclusion that they probably aren’t capable of doing the thing. Probably

That’s different than reaching the conclusion that they don’t want to do it, or that it’s not worth doing, or that they’d rather do something else.

Actually this reminds me of something I’ve seen – often disabled kids who can’t do something will pretend that they’re refusing to do the thing. And that they’re refusing to do the thing on purpose in order to provoke the teachers. When everyone involved thinks that’s what’s happening, things can get really bad really quickly.

(Particularly if the thing is something like a kid going nonverbal and pretending that they’re refusing to speak and are just making animal noises to be rude).

Inability to do things is real, and it’s important for people to know their limits and take them seriously.

Acknowledging limits makes it much more possible to do things than pretending not to have any.

Ignoring reality isn’t empowering.

And it’s legitimate to say “I can’t” when what you mean is “it’s possible that I might technically be able to do it, but it’s risky and dangerous, and I couldn’t function if I took that kind of risk routinely”.

(This is in fact a meaning of “can’t” used by people without disabilities all the time.)

What it means when kids aren’t allowed to know about bad things

Real Social Skills

There are a lot of things kids are often considered too young to know about. For instance:

  • Rape
  • Violence
  • Racism
  • Sexism

The problem is, almost every bad thing kids are considered too young to know about happens to some kids.

The rule that kids should be shielded from these things has some really negative effects on the kids who are most vulnerable.

It hurts kids who have been abused, because they’re considered dangerous to other kids if they ever talk about it. Their peers aren’t supposed to know about it, so they’re supposed to just never talk about it ever. That creates a lot of shame, and living with that kind of shame hurts people.

It also hurts kids who are currently being abused. They get the overwhelming message from everyone that kids are not allowed to talk about these things. That makes it hard to tell adults what’s going on, especially if they don’t quite know the right words. If they try to tell indirectly, they might even be hushed and told that they’re too young to be thinking about that kind of thing.

It hurts kids of color, because they’re often required to put up with racist things rather than have the white kids find out about racism. Because they’re old enough to have to deal with racism, but their white peers aren’t considered old enough to be told about it.

There’s also parents who don’t want their kids to play with disabled kids, because they think their kids are too young to know about disability or serious illness or injury. Or even, to the point that a kids’ show hosted by an amputee actor got a lot of complaints that her missing arm was upsetting to children. This kind of attitude is all over the place.

Preventing kids from thinking about bad things hurts all kinds of kids, all kinds of particularly vulnerable kids. And I don’t see how it does much to protect the safer kids, either.

I’m not sure what the solution is. But I think it is a problem.

Respect names

Real Social Skills

This is something that often happens in English-speaking schools to kids from other cultures:

  • A kid has a non-English name
  • The teacher decides it would be better if they had an English name
  • They give the kid a different name, and refuse to call them their actual name
  • Or heavily pressure the kid into changing their name

This also happens to some kids in foster care. Their foster parents or social workers will decide that their name is a problem, and assign them a different name.

Some reasons adults in power will cite for doing this to kids in their care:

  • The name is hard to pronounce
  • Other kids make fun of the name
  • A kid with a non-English name will feel different from the other kids
  • Having a different name will make it easier for the kid to assimilate into English-speaking culture
  • And then the teacher makes the kid use a different name, one that’s more usual in English

Don’t do this. Names are important. It’s not ok to change someone else’s name.

It’s actually *more* important not to change a kid’s name if other kids are making fun of it, because:

  • You’re teaching the kid that their name is wrong
  • And that it’s their own fault they’re being bullied, that it’s because they’re weird
  • It also teaches the bullies that it’s ok to bully people for having weird names, and that they’re entitled to have other people erase themselves for their sake
  • A kid who is being bullied for their name will also be bullied for other things, especially if they are from a non-English-speaking culture
  • Changing the kid’s name will not stop this, it will just make the rest of it harder to take

Names are important. Respecting someone’s name is part of respecting them as a person. It’s not ok to change their name for your convenience.

Some ways to avoid teaching children that their bodies are wrong

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

…For the not teaching disabled children that their bodies are “wrong,” what are ways to avoid that? The article described why it is bad, but what are things people can say or do when in therapy or school settings, the goal is to change or level up their abilities in some way?

I think there are several things that help.

First and foremost, you have to act as though they already have value. Part of what that means is helping them to do things they care about, and not making those things into therapy. If everything someone cares about inevitably becomes therapy, it’s hard to keep caring about things. And it undermines their ability to understand they they already have value, even without being cured. Actions speak louder than words.

For instance:

  • If a kid likes trains, let them do train-related things for its own sake. Don’t make everything train-related into therapy.
  • Don’t make everything train-related into an incentive for complying with therapy, either.
  • And buy them train related things without requiring them to earn them with a therapy sticker chart
  • Let trains be trains, sometimes. And make sure the kid can count on being able to do thing they care about.
  • Kids need to have interests and to pursue them.
  • If therapy always takes priority, that’s a problem. That sends the message that therapy, and becoming more normal, is more important than anything else.

Involve them in decisions about therapy

  • Parents have to make certain decisions for their minor children, especially when they are very young
  • But they don’t have to make all of the decisions
  • And even when they do have to make the decisions, they can and should listen to what their kids think
  • If the child understands what the therapy is for, and says they don’t think it’s worth it, consider the possibility that they are right.
  • And if you decide they are wrong and that you’re going to make them do it anyway, tell them why
  • And if a kid dislikes a particular therapist, assume there’s a good  reason unless you have strong evidence otherwise. (Particularly if they don’t object to the therapy and are fine with other therapists)
  • And the older a kid is, the less appropriate it is to force them into therapy
  • Kids with disabilities need to grow up and learn to make their own decisions just like kids without disabilities do
  • Completely controlling their care is not conducive to their learning how to make decisions about it

Be particularly careful about surgery and painful therapy

  • If you’re making a kid do something painful, make damn sure you have a good reason
  • This goes double if the kid objects to the therapy
  • Because being overpowered and subjected to pain at the hands of large adults is traumatic
  • Sometimes it’s necessary, but it imposes a heavy price. Don’t ignore the price.
  • Don’t do it without a good reason
  • And, the older the kid is, the better the reason needs to be.
  • Teaching a teenager that they have no right to control what happens to their body is *really* dangerous.

Distinguish between leveling up abilities and normalization

  • This is hard to explain. I’m going to write more posts about it at some point

Don’t do long-term 40 hour a week therapy programs.

  • Kids need time to do things other than therapy
  • They also need space to explore and do things on their own initiative
  • They can’t do that if almost all of their time is spent doing therapy
  • And it’s ok if that means sometimes they watch the same YouTube video over and over for an hour
  • Or spin toys
  • Or sit on the floor not exercising

Make sure they know adults with disabilities

  • It’s hard to believe that you’re going to grow up if you never meet any adults like you
  • Adults with similar disabilities know things that you don’t
  • Even if you have similar disabilities, make sure your kids know other adults with disabilities
  • Kids need role models and clueful adults other than their own parents
  • (I’m not sure how this works for kids who aren’t likely to survive childhood. I think it’s probably still helpful, though.)

Make sure they know other kids with disabilities

  • Having a peer group is important
  • Growing up without one is really isolating
  • That said – don’t assume that kids will be friends just because they have similar impairments
  • Not all kids like each other, and that’s ok
  • Trying to force kids to be friends isn’t helpful

Talk about it explicitly

  • Kids need to know why they have therapy. And what it’s for. And what’s different about their bodies.
  • Kids who are disabled enough to need therapy know damn well they’re different
  • They don’t necessarily know that it’s not their fault, though
  • Or have any good language to think about it
  • People with disabilities are almost completely unrepresented in the media, and what little media we have is almost always dangerously inaccurate
  • This is confusing and disorienting, and kids look for the closest available concepts to make sense of things
  • For instance: Almost all kids know that bad kids get punished by being made to do things that are painful and unpleasant.
  • If a kid is regularly made to do things that are painful and unpleasant that other kids don’t have to do, and no one explains why, it’s really easy for them to end up thinking they’re being punished for being bad.
  • And they can end up thinking they’re being punished for being bad for failing to do things they’re incapable of doing
  • This can happen even if no one ever says this to them; but most kids with disabilities get told this more or less explicitly at some point
  • (Eg: by religious people who tell kids that if they prayed hard enough they’d be cured; by teachers who tell them if they just tried hard enough they could do what the other kids do)
  • So talk about it
  • Even if you’re not sure they have receptive language

Don’t teach kids that their body is wrong

Real Social Skills

Something that can happen in therapy for disabled kids is:

People hold out hope that the kid won’t be disabled anymore, when they grow up.

So they push the kid as hard as possible in childhood, and tell them (often without saying this explicitly) that if they just work hard, their body won’t be wrong anymore.

This doesn’t work.

People who are disabled as children are usually still disabled as adults. Even if the therapy helped them. Even if they gained new physical abilities. Even if they learned things from it they wouldn’t have learned without it.

Even if they learn to walk. Even if they learn to talk. No matter what other skills they acquire. Their body is probably going to stay very different from most other people’s bodies, and far from the cultural norm.

And… part of living well as a person with a disability is accepting the body and the brain that you have, and working with it rather than against it. 

Because you can’t live in an imaginary body; you can’t live in an abstraction. You have to live your own life, as you actually are. And sometimes that involves medical treatment, sometimes it involves equipment, sometimes it involves therapy – but always, it involves reality. You can’t willpower yourself into being someone else. 

Disabled kids tend to get taught the opposite message, because childhood therapy is usually cure-oriented even for conditions that aren’t anywhere close to curable. It’s about normalization, much more than functioning well.

Then they go through all manner of hell unlearning this once they’re old enough that everyone gives up on pretending that a cure is going to happen.

If you’re responsible to or for kids with disabilities, do what you can to protect them from this. Make sure they aren’t being pushed to hang their self-worth on accomplishing things that are physically impossible or implausible. Help them to understand hat their bodies aren’t wrong. Teach them that they already have lives worth living.