intimate relationships – Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have a really odd question, and this probably wouldn’t of help to anyone else (I am the only person I’ve EVER heard of this happening to) but do you have any advice for NT people about how to deal with autistic infodumps? I’m really really sorry if this is the wrong place to ask, but you’re the only blog I’ve found that even remotely deals with this sort of thing. Trouble is, they trigger me sometimes.

I have an emotionally abusive father who I’m about 90% sure has aspergers and starting when I was really little, he would take me places in the car and just drive in circles for hours and talk at me. Sometimes about something he thought I’d did wrong, sometimes just about his interests. He’d never let me go home or let me join in the conversation; and I could never get him to quit. I literally could never get away and ended up feeling really trapped. Trouble is, I now have an autistic fiance who enjoys talking to me about his interests.

I know he’s doing it innocently and I don’t want to take away something he enjoys, but at times he can go on really long and I start panicking- and, I’m pretty sure; being triggered. How can I politely exit from a conversation like that without hurting his feelings? It isn’t my fiance’s fault, and I’m probably making too big a deal out of this, but IDK I thought you might have some useful suggestions.

realsocialskills said:

First of all, your needs matter. You are not making too big a deal about this. (And I actually think this is probably more common than you realize).

He might not be doing anything inherently wrong, but the situation is not ok for you, and you’re going to have to figure out together how to make it better. I don’t think there’s a pre-existing way to politely exit from a conversation with him; I think that this is a problem that you and your partner will have to work out a solution to together.

You’re probably going to have to hurt his feelings, at least in the short term. Not because he is doing anything wrong, but because this is a touchy subject for autistic people. Most of us have been treated horribly for having focused interests and infodumping about them. Having other people express boundaries about infodumping can hurt a lot; it can even be triggering.

But people are still allowed to have boundaries about how much they are willing to listen to us go on about our interests, and we have to be able to negotiate that in close relationships. Even when it hurts to think about. Even though it’s triggering sometimes.

Telling your partner that his infodumping hurts you sometimes will probably be a very difficult conversation for both of you. It will probably be complicated figuring out how to negotiate boundaries that work for both of you.

But it’s an important conversation to have, and it probably won’t be the last issue in which you need to have a difficult conversation about something that is loaded for both of you. That’s part of the work of an intimate relationship, particularly when both partners have triggers.

Some things that I think might help:

Make it clear that you don’t see his interests as the problem:

A lot of autistic people have been subjected to a lot of pressure to give up our interests, or stop being so focused on them
If you’re asking to negotiate boundaries about discussing the interests, it’s really easy for that to feel like rejection or like you are disgusted by him liking things
So, if you don’t see it that way, *say so*
(If you do see his interests as the problem, that’s a different problem and I’m not sure what to suggest)

Think through what your needs are:

What do you need once you get triggered? A subject change? Being by yourself for awhile? Reassurance? Being explicitly reminded that your partner doesn’t see you as an infodump-recieving object? Food? Something else?
What would help you to avoid getting triggered? Being able to change the subject easily? Avoiding certain topics when you’re in the car? Something else?

Agree on a way to signal that you need to change the subject:

If you’re getting triggered, particularly if you have a compliance trigger, it’s important to figure out a way to communicate that you’re not ok
It might be good to have a rule about him checking in periodically about how you’re doing in a long conversation about something he’s really into
Or to try to identify explicitly what the signs are that you are being triggered (eg: when you’re not ok, do you go quiet? Do you start agreeing to everything? Does your body language change? Something else), and ask him to pay attention to whether you’re doing those things and check in with you if he sees them
It also might be good to agree on a specific thing you will say or a specific gesture you need to make if you need to change the subject.

Listen to what he has to say about this and what his needs are:

He’s going to have thoughts about this
Some of them might hurt to hear, or might be scary or triggering given your history
And this isn’t going to have a simple solution where you mentioning the problem makes it go away
It’s important to listen to his perspective and think through together what’s going to work for both of you

I think this is probably something you can work out if you both act in good faith. (Not guaranteed; some people aren’t compatible in this area through no fault of their own. But from what you’ve said it sounds possible to work out).