noticing power – Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

How do you know if you have power over someone? There are times when it’s obvious, of course, like if you’re someone’s employer or teacher or caretaker. But if you don’t have any power over them in any official capacity, you can still have power over them in other ways that are less obvious. But sometimes I find it hard to tell if someone thinks of themselves as my equal or not, when I don’t have official power over them. Sorry, I know this is probably a stupid question.

realsocialskills said:

This isn’t a stupid question. It’s complicated. There’s no simple way to be sure. Power is something you have to always be noticing.

Some situations in which you have power (not exhaustive; but some things I know about):

Someone is financially dependent on you
(Including situations in which you’re letting a friend stay with you because they have no other place to go)
Someone has been socialized to never say no, and wants to please you
Someone you know damaging secrets about, especially if they don’t know any of yours
When you’re a senior member of a profession and they’re new
You’re interacting with someone who has been socialized not to be able to say no to you
You’re much older than the other person, but still young enough to have social power
The person you are interacting with lives in a nursing home
You are a mental health professional who is likely to be believed if you say someone is suicidal or otherwise in need of coerced treatment (especially if you are that person’s doctor or therapist, but even if you’re not)
You’re clergy or have a related kind of religious status
You’re bigger and stronger than the other person

These things are different:

Wanting something to be true
Wanting to think something is true
Wanting someone else to feel like something is true
Wanting reassurance that something is true

An example:

Interacting with someone consensually
Feeling like your interactions are consensual
Having that person think of the interactions as consensual
Having that person reassure you that things are consensual.

And another:

Not wanting to put someone in danger
Wanting to feel like a safe person
Wanting someone to feel safe
Wanting someone to reassure you that they feel safe

And these:

Seeking to avoid abusing anyone
Seeking to avoid seeing yourself as an abusive person
Wanting others to see you as someone who doesn’t abuse others
Wanting others to reassure you that you’re not the kind of person who abuses people

And this too:

Respecting someone’s boundaries
Feeling like you’re a person who respects boundaries
Wanting someone to feel as though their boundaries are being respected
Wanting someone to reassure you that you’re not crossing any lines

If you don’t understand the difference, you’re dangerous to people you have power over.

Because feelings and perceptions can be manipulated without changing the underlying reality.

Making people feel safe isn’t enough; you also have to create real safety. Making people tell you that you’re not crossing a line isn’t enough; you have to actually care about their boundaries. Seeing yourself as a non-abusive person isn’t enough; you have to actively pay attention to treating people well.

If you want to do right by people, you have to care about the reality.