social skills – Page 23 – Real Social Skills

On stimming in class

November 15, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Do you know of any quiet or discrete fidget/stim toys? I find that I need to fidget in my school discussion group to keep from getting super anxious, but if I play with a hairband under the table or doodle then people notice. Most of the fidget toys I find online are colourful, which I don’t want because people will see. I will try a stress ball, but I think that my fingers need to be doing things. Thank you 🙂

realsocialskills said:

A couple of thoughts:

There probably aren’t many ways to stim that are completely undetectable. Some things I can think of that might be harder to detect than some others:

Rocking back and forth subtly
Chewing gum
Using typing as a stim (eg: typing out scripts or words you like over and over)
Using fidget jewelry .

Also, knitting and crocheting are not discreet at all, but they are often socially accepted in classes or group conversations. Depending on your particular group, that might be an option.

Another thought: maybe it’s ok if people notice:

Stimming isn’t necessarily as dangerous as it feels
Sometimes it’s okay to stim openly. Sometimes nothing awful happens
And sometimes people react badly, but in ways that are easier to put up with than the stress of suppressing stims
Stimming openly and conspicuously is not the right choice for everyone
But it’s probably the right choice for more people than realize it
So it might be worth reconsidering whether hiding your stims is the right choice
Or it might not be. You’re the best judge of this, and you have no obligation to stim visibly.

Dwarfism awareness – thoughts on doing right by adult little people

November 14, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

I wrote this post for Dwarfism Awareness Month (which was in October) in collaboration with a friend who is a little person. It wasn’t ready until now, so I am posting it now.

Here are some things worth knowing:

Adult little people are adults, but people often treat them like children. You might be doing this too, and it’s important to get over that. Many people strongly associate being a certain size with being a young child. It’s important to be aware that not everyone that size is actually a child, and to act to mitigate any reactions you might be having that lead you to see an adult little person as a young child.

For instance, at work:

If you’re in a professional setting and someone is wearing professional clothing and acting like a professional adult, they’re not ten years old.
If you keep viscerally responding as though they are a child, it’s important to realize that it’s not ok and get over it. Don’t express that reaction, and don’t try to justify it.
Treat them as an adult
Respect their professional competence
If they are above you in the hierarchy, do not treat them as junior
If they are at your level in the hierarchy, do not treat them as junior
If they are actually junior, do not treat them like a visiting child or a teenager getting work experience. Respect them as an adult professional.

Another example: bars:

If you are in a bar, and someone is wearing adult clothing, acting like an adult, and drinking beer, they are not ten years old
They are an adult drinking beer in a bar
This is not a problem. This is something that many adults choose to do.
Do not look around for a caregiver. Adults do not have to bring minders to bars.
Do not ask them if they are ok unless you have an actual reason to think they might not be. Being a little person in a bar is not cause for concern in itself
If they are flirting with someone, this is not cause for concern either
Many adults flirt with people in bars. This is a thing that people do.
(Also, do not make jokes about tossing them, ask to toss them, or in any other way treat them as a toy. Adults have the right to drink beer in bars without being treated as a novelty attraction.)

And when you’re setting up an environment, remember that some adults are less than 4’10” and some are much shorter than that. Adult little people need access to anything that other adults need access to.

More specifically:

Adult little people need to be able to get through doors:

If you use a latch high on the door to prevent children from entering or exiting, you’re also making it impossible for adults of the same height to enter or exist
Latches need to be in places that adult little people can reach
Adults with disabilities should not be locked in like little children
If for some reason this kind of safety system is unavoidable, there needs to be an alternative way in and out that is reliably available
And you need to make it clear what that is

Keep this in mind when you put things on shelves:

If you’re putting things on shelves that a four foot tall person could not reach, you need an alternative way of reaching the thing
Or to put the thing in a lower place.
Keep in mind that if you put something on a high shelf in order to prevent children from reaching it, you’re also preventing adult little people from reaching it
Consider alternatives such as using child locks or supervising children more closely
(Or reconsidering whether the thing actually needs to be restricted. Eg: It might not actually be so terrible if your 7 year old students can reach the copier paper. You might not actually need an adults-only candy jar (and if you do, it’s not so nice to keep it where kids can see it anyway.))
If putting things on high shelves for safety reasons is truly unavoidable, make sure that there is an alternative way for adult little people to access them *and that you make it known what that way is*.

More generally:

Do not simplify your language the way you might when talking to a young child.
Do not assume that an adult little person is unemployed or only employed in a sheltered workshop or in jobs that can be done by children and teenagers.
Do treat adult little people as the age they actually are. (Eg: if they are elderly, don’t treat them as though they’re 20).
Do not ask invasive medical questions.

Short version: Adult little people are adults. Since many of them are the same height as young children, a lot of people treat them like children. Don’t do that. Also, make sure that you’re configuring things so that short adults can do the things that adults need to do.

When teachers refuse to accommodate your disability

November 13, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

What to do if teachers refuse to give you the accommodation? I couldn’t ever finish my work because they would refuse to write down things ect

realsocialskills said:

That’s a hard problem.

In my experience, you usually can’t make them write down assignments if they’re not doing it willingly (even with a letter). Sometimes you can, if you’re sufficiently insistent.

I’ve had surprisingly good results with reminding a teacher politely and discretely the first time, reminding them in front of other students the second time, and insisting more bluntly that it’s not ok for them to neglect to do this the third time. I’ve also had this blow up in my face. Your milage may vary. It’s not something I’d wholeheartedly recommend, but it does work sometimes.

Also, if the problem is that they don’t remember (or can’t be bothered to remember), sometimes reminding them by email works. Eg, by sending an email after every class asking them what the assignment is.

Another thing that can help is getting support from other students rather than the teacher. For instance, getting the assignment from a peer who is able to write it down. Or getting other students to also ask in the moment for it to be written down so it doesn’t have to come just from you all the time. (That helps me both in terms of getting what I need, and in not feeling like I’m alone and unreasonably demanding.)

If you are in college, another thing you can do is change classes. If a teacher is not treating you well and is making it impossible to do the work, treating that as a red flag and changing to a different class can make things a lot better. In college, there is often a lot more flexibility to work with people who are willing to accommodate you, and it’s important to learn how to take advantage of that flexibility.

When schools approve of ableist harassment

November 12, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

There’s a boy at school who makes me uncomfortable. He seems to appear wherever I am. My 504 plan allows me to eat in a small back room in the library, and he’s even found me there and joins me for lunch. I’ve told him several times “I prefer to eat alone” but he responds with “That’s no fun! Come meet my friends!” I’ve tried ignoring him, but he just asks me lots of questions. My mom and therapist are happy I’ve “made a friend and stopped isolating!” and won’t help. How do I make him go away?

realsocialskills said:

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

He shouldn’t harass you like that, and your school shouldn’t let him. You’ve made it clear that you want to be left alone, and he’s following you and insisting on bothering you anyway. That’s not friendly. That’s harassment.

I’m not sure how to get him to stop. That depends a lot on the situation, and particularly whether or not there are any adults willing to help you. One thing that helps is to keep straight in your mind what’s going on. It’s perfectly ok that you don’t want to eat with this guy. He should leave you alone. You’re not doing anything wrong; he is being mean.

Since you mention that you’re eating in the library, I wonder if the librarian might be able to help you. Sometimes librarians care about protecting kids from harassment. It might help to frame it in terms of “This guy won’t leave me alone, and it’s making me really uncomfortable. He keeps following me in here. Can you please help me to get away from him?”

Another thing to consider: Who put the room in your 504 plan? Was anyone involved in that decision besides your mom and your therapist? Might someone else who was involved understand what’s going on and why you need help?

Another possibility: telling him to go away more forcefully, eg:

“I don’t want to eat with you. Please leave me alone.” might work better than “I prefer to eat alone.”
“Stop following me.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Stop asking me questions; I don’t want to have this conversation.”

If you’re more forceful in saying no, it’s likely that he’ll act all hurt and like you’re doing something terrible to him. It might also eventually work if you are firm and explicit about saying no, and don’t back down when he acts all hurt about it.

That’s a standard way that people who are willfully violating boundaries react when someone says no. (I wrote about this in the context of ways creepy guys make it impossible for women to say no politely.)

It’s okay not to care that your boundaries hurt his feelings. It’s okay not to care if he’s upset that you don’t want to be his friend or eat lunch with him. That is not actually your problem. You’re not obligated to provide him with attention, company, or validation, no matter how friendly he thinks he’s being.

Eating alone is not something you’re doing to him. Harassing you is something mean he’s doing to you.

Your parents and therapists should be supporting you. It’s terrible that they’re not (but unfortunately, this is not an unusual situation.)

Short version: If someone follows you around and keeps trying to interact over your objections, that’s not friendly, that’s creepy. You don’t have to be someone’s friend or hang out with them if you don’t want to. Therapists shouldn’t try to convince you that being harassed is a positive development in your life. It’s okay to have boundaries. You get to decide who your friends are and aren’t.

Negotiating accommodations without a diagnosis

November 11, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

How do you ask for accomendations when you don’t have a go-to reason to explain why you need it? I don’t know if I’m disabled (I find info about disablities completely inaccessible to me, though i’ve wondered from seeing people talk about things i’ve also experienced) but I do know I can’t learn in certain ways, or process information that’s presented in certain ways, and that I’m prone to sensory overload. people act like i’m being overdemanding when I bring it up. am i? if not, what do I do?

realsocialskills said:

I’ve been there, a lot. I was only diagnosed after college, even though I’ve always been disabled. I was just as impaired before diagnosis; being without a label didn’t magically create abilities. So I’ve spent a lot of time negotiating accommodations informally.

I’ve found that what works best is to give a very simple version of the problem, and to ask for something specific. This can make accommodating you seem like a straightforward thing to do.

For instance: “This is hard for me to read. Is there an electronic copy?” works much better than “I’m autistic and I have visual tracking issues and executive dysfunction and I need a different format.“

Or: “Noisy College Hall is big and crowded. I never understand anything there. Can we have class in the usual room instead of moving?”

Or: “I don’t understand the assignment when it’s said verbally. Can you email me the details?”

Short version: You don’t have to go into great diagnostic detail when you’re negotiating with a teacher directly. You can start by describing the problem and a solution you think would work. This doesn’t always work, but it’s the most effective approach I know of for this situation.

Preparing for a college interview

November 10, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Any advice for college interviews?

I have one coming up and I always get tongue-tied and I generally don’t do well at them at all, but this is a really big deal and I don’t want to mess it up…

realsocialskills said:

The best way I know of to prepare for any type of interview is to get someone else to do a practice interview with you before you do the real interview.

In a practice interview, someone asks you a whole bunch of questions that might come up, and you practice interviewing them. Once you have practiced, it can be a lot easier to answer interview questions for real.

If you’re in school, you might be able to get a teacher or guidance counselor to do a practice interview with you as you’re applying for college. A lot of adults in that role do that kind of thing regularly. Many adults in schools or teen programs really want to help their students get into school, and most people who want to help are likely to understand why practice interviews are a good idea. (If you’re currently in therapy and your therapist is someone you somewhat trust, you might also be able to convince your therapist to help you practice.)

If you don’t have a teacher or someone like that to help you practice, it can be helpful to practice with a friend. (And you might also be able to help them practice for their interview). While it’s particularly helpful to practice with someone who has good knowledge of how college admissions work, practicing with someone who doesn’t can also be very helpful.

It’s especially helpful if they ask you the questions you’re afraid of hearing. Because if a question you’re afraid of comes up in the real interview, it’s a lot harder to figure out an answer on the fly than if you’ve practiced. It can help to tell the person practicing with you what questions you’re worried about.

Some questions that some people might be worried about:

Are you worried that they’ll ask about your activities, and that you might not be able to say anything that sounds impressive
Are you unsure about what you want to study and afraid that will make you look bad?
Are you worried they’ll ask disability-related questions?

Whether or not the questions you’re nervous about come up in your real interview, it will help to have practiced them. If you feel confident about your ability to answer possibly-difficult questions, you’ll feel a lot more comfortable during the rest of the interview and it will be easier to focus on communicating.

Some questions that are very likely to come up in most college interviews:

“Why do you want to attend this college?”

Any answer that reflects positively on the school will work for this
Eg: “It’s academically rigorous”
“Some of the most interesting people I’ve met have gone to this school”
“I’ve heard really good things about the archeology department”
“The first year classics curriculum seems like an excellent foundation for further learning”
It’s also ok if the reason is partly personal, so long as it also says something specifically positive about the school, eg
“I’m looking to study pre-law and stay close to home so that I can be there for family. I like that this college has a large percentage of non-traditional students so that I will have a peer group even though I won’t be able to live on campus.”
Don’t say something that would reflect negatively on the school like “I’ve heard that everyone passes” or “I’ve heard it’s a great party schools,“ or “I just don’t want to work that hard.”

“What do you want to study?”

The answer to this question should show that you have interests, and that you like learning things
It’s ok not to know what you want to study; a lot of entering college students in the US do not.
If you’re not sure what you want to study, your answer to this should still indicate that you’ve thought about it and that you care about something, eg:
“I’m not sure yet, but I’m considering either history or political science or economics.”
“I want to learn a broad range of things before I decide for sure, but I really enjoy math.”
If you do know what you want to study, say so, and say something about what interests you about the subject (it does not need to be original, so long as it’s reasonably sincere), eg:
“I’m interested in the history of conflict. I want to try and figure out why people fight wars and how we can make peace.”
“I’m interested in studying biology so that I can eventually do medical research.”

“Do you have any questions for us?”

This question is likely pretty much any time that you’re interviewed for anything
It’s helpful to have a question in mind to ask them; it will show that you care about the school and aren’t just generically applying
The question should be something that you can’t easily google or get from their website, and it should show that you know something about the school
Eg: “I saw on the website that a lot of undergraduates do research. What’s the process like for finding a research adviser?”
(Don’t ask about possible exceptions to policies. That’s a conversation to have after you’re accepted, especially if it’s disability-related.)

Short version: If you’re interviewing for college (or anything really), it’s very helpful to do a practice interview. There is likely a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach at your school who would be willing to give you a practice interview. Having a peer do one can also work. Whoever does it, it is most effective when they ask you the questions that you’re afraid or nervous about being asked in the real interview.

Your feelings aren’t your crush’s or squish’s obligation

November 9, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

So this is a common trope in movies and TV shows:

A (usually male) character has a crush on a (usually female) character
She’s not interested and makes this clear
He devotes massive amounts of time and energy to figuring out out to communicate the depth of his feelings to her
This is shown as sympathetic
With the implication that if she just ~understood~ how he feels, then she’d realize that she should be with him
Sometimes this eventually works

This trope is really creepy, and not something you should do in real life, because:

Someone can understand your feelings about them perfectly clearly and still not be interested in dating you (or in other forms of emotional intimacy)
Feelings are not automatically reciprocated
If someone says they’re not interested, that is a decision they get to make. It’s not ok to pressure them to change their mind
Grand romantic gestures are only good if they’re welcome. If you’re repeatedly invading someones boundaries and disregarding their consent, that’s not romance, that’s stalking

A couple of examples:

Fry and Leela in Futurma
John and Liz in Garfield

Or, in other words:

If she* said no, it doesn’t mean you need to find a perfect new way of expressing just how you feel about her.
She probably knows.
That doesn’t mean she has to reciprocate. Her feelings matter, and they don’t have to match yours.
She can understand perfectly well that you want her, and still be uninterested.
You can’t just rub your feelings on her and hope they stick.
(*Likewise with other gender configurations. The target of this kind of thing is almost always female in the media, and more often than not in real life. But people of all genders do this to people of all genders, and it’s never ok. Stalking and romantic coercion don’t become ok when they’re done in ways that subvert gender stereotypes)
(This is also the case for forms of non-romantic intimacy. Your desire to be someone’s best friend is not their obligation.)

Short version: If someone says no to dating you, or to other forms of emotional intimacy, it’s important that you take no for an answer. Trying over and over to ~explain how you feel about them~ will not magically cause them to reciprocate. They can know perfectly well how you feel, and still not feel the same way. Stalking, harassment and other forms of attempts to coerce intimacy don’t become ok when you have strong feelings.

This Halloween, don’t be a jerk

October 28, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

On Halloween, some people end up being really mean to other people, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes on purpose.

Some considerations for avoiding being a jerk:

Not everyone likes to be startled or scared:

Scaring people is a major part of Halloween tradition, and it’s ok to like it
But it’s also ok not to like it
And it’s wrong to scare or startle people who don’t like to be scared
Being scared when you don’t want to be is really, really unpleasant
It can also be physically or psychologically dangerous for a lot of people.
If you know someone doesn’t like to be scared, don’t scare them
If you don’t know whether someone likes to be scared, don’t scare them
If you think someone likes to be scared and it turns out they don’t, apologize and don’t do it again
If scaring people is really really important to you, consider working or volunteering at a haunted house, or making your own haunted house.
Scaring is ok, but it needs to be consensual

Don’t wreck people’s stuff:

Some people like to smash jack-o-lanterns or other decorations, sometimes at the end of the night
This is a mean thing to do, especially because some people, particularly children, get really emotionally attached to their decorations
(Especially if they have put a lot of work into creating them)
Some people might try to convince you that it’s just the done thing and that it doesn’t really upset anyone, but they’re wrong
Breaking people’s stuff is mean
If you want to smash pumpkins, get your own pumpkins to smash

Don’t be a jerk to people who don’t participate in trick or treating:

Most adults who live in areas in which kids trick or treat are happy to participate
It’s a good thing to do, but it’s not something anyone is obligated to do
Some adults don’t participate, and that’s ok
They might not be able to afford to buy candy
They might not be able to get up so much or tolerate constant interaction/doorbell ringing.
Halloween might be against their religion
They might not want to participate for any number of other reasons
That’s a legitimate choice, no matter why they don’t do it
Some people punish people who don’t participate by egging or tping their house, or banging out the door over and over.
Those are really mean things to do. Don’t do it.
Trick or treating requires consent, and it’s not ok to be mean to people who don’t participate

Just, generally speaking – if something would normally be mean, it’s mean on Halloween. If something would normally require consent, it requires consent on Halloween. Don’t be a jerk.