Trauma doesn’t make you any less of a person

Some people are really creepy about survivors. (Or people who they perceive as survivors, often inaccurately.)

They treat trauma like permission. Like it gives them the right to boundless authority over you.

They see you as broken, and they think that means they’re entitled to fix you.

They act like you don’t know yourself, can’t know yourself, and shouldn’t think for yourself.

(And they may repeatedly trigger you on purpose in an effort to make you feel disoriented enough to believe them.)

They think that every opinion they have about you is the insight that will heal you. They think that you are somehow obligated to accept uncritically any purported wisdom they decide to bestow upon you.

They think that their love can heal you. They act like their desire to heal you with love means you’re somehow obligated to gratefully accept whatever expression of love they want to bestow upon you.

They act like their perspective should replace yours. They act like their desire to help you somehow obligates you to agree with everything they think.

They act like you’ll be better if you let them take over emotionally. Like you somehow can’t be trusted with feelings. Like you shouldn’t have feeling of your own anymore. Like you should have theirs instead.

People shouldn’t do this to you. It’s wrong, it’s creepy, and you don’t have to cooperate with it.

You are a person. You are allowed to have your own feelings. You are allowed to think for yourself.

You are allowed to decide who, if anyone, you want to be emotionally intimate with. You are allowed to decide whose advice you want. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to disagree with people, even if they mean well and want to help. You are allowed to make choices about what help, if any, you want to accept, and who, if anyone, you want to accept it from.

You are you. You are allowed to be you. And nothing that happened to you gives others the right to try to turn you into someone else.

Appearing to enjoy behavior modificiation is not meaningful

One common response to criticism of ABA is to claim that people subjected to it enjoy it:

• “My child loves his therapist and asks to go to sessions!”
• “All of my clients smile and have fun!”
• “My ABA is play based!”

What people forget is that affect is a set of behaviors, and that behavior modification methods work as well on affective behaviors as they do on anything else:

• You can reinforce people to look happy
• You can reinforce people to praise therapy
• It doesn’t have to be an explicit part of the behavior plan to happen
• And it can keep happening even after you fade direct prompts or direct intentional reinforcers

ABA programs give the therapist massive power over the person. That power in itself can cause people to look happy, through a more subtle reinforcement mechanism than takes place on a behavior plan:

• If you have power over someone in the way that behavior therapists do, they’re going to be highly motivated to please you
• If they figure out that you want to believe that they are happy, they are very likely to act like they are
• If you treat them better when they display the affect you want or praise you, they’re likely to act happy.
• It doesn’t mean they’re actually happy
• Or that what you’re doing is good for them

(Also, affect often is an explicit part of someone’s behavior plan. It is not at all uncommon for ABA programs to involve actively ignoring distress and withholding attention and rewards until someone looks happy. It is not at all uncommon for ABA programs to involve teaching people to smile, to hug, or to otherwise do things that would out-of-context indicate happiness, enjoyment, or affection. It doesn’t have the same meaning if it’s prompted or trained.)

Also, programs based on positive reinforcement involving controlling someone’s access to stuff they care about:

• The first step in a program based on positive reinforcement is to find out what someone most enjoys or cares about
• (This is called a preference assessment or a reinforcement inventory. Here’s an example.)
• And then making sure they have no access (or limited access) to those things outside of sessions or other situations in which someone is actively reinforcing them to do something
• Of course if someone’s only access to everything important to them happens in sessions they will ask for sessions
• That doesn’t mean they like the fact that someone has that level of power over them
• (No one likes being manipulated that way.)
• That doesn’t mean they like the things that the therapist makes them do
• That doesn’t mean the power dynamic is harmless
• That doesn’t mean ABA is a good approach to teaching

People who can’t say no, can’t say yes meaningfully. Looking happy isn’t meaningful if you’re rewarded for affecting happiness and punished for looking visibly distressed. Making the best of a bad situation isn’t consent.

Finding home in a new place

Anonymous said:

How do you make a new place feel like home? In less than a month, I’m moving to start a PhD.

I’m looking for advice on how to adapt to a new city and find new friends. I don’t want to rely on my program as my only source of friends, because doing that has left me isolated in the past.

Any advice on how to feel like this is really home and finding new friends would be appreciated. Thank you!

realsocialskills said:

There are a lot of possibilities, and a lot of it is a matter of personal preference and what’s available in your area.

One thing that works for some people is organized religion. Religious communities have a broader range of people than a PhD program will. They also have a lot of different things you can do, often including teaching and volunteering. It can also be low-pressure because showing up can be a way to be around people without having to do anything else.

If you want that kind of community but don’t want to be expected to believe in God or a particular doctrine, a Unitarian Universalist church or a Society for Ethical Culture might work for you.

Another thing worth doing is to find out where the community gathering places are which aren’t just where students hang out. If you’re in a small-ish college town, there will be a few places. Some of them might be bars, but some of them won’t be. For instance, if you’re going to UNC, Weaver Street Market is a place you should know about. It’s a place people hang out, and there are a lot of community events there.

Independent bookstores can also be good community places to know about. They often have events and interesting people and sources of information.

Look at the notice boards and pick up the free papers. Look through the events listings and find stuff you’re interested in. Try to go to things. Going to things that are not college events can be a good way to get outside the bubble.

If you’re in a bigger city, this is both easier and harder. There are more things going on in big cities, but they also tend to happen in silos and be harder to find out about. In cities, searching around for organizations or activities related to your interests can be a better starting point. (Although independent bookstores are often also helpful in cities).

You can also try walking around with Yelp! open on your phone. If you set the filter to show you everything and sort stuff by distance, you can find out about what’s near you. It also has a “local color” category that can be useful for finding non-standard things in your area.

Going to things that are college events can also be a good way to get outside the bubble, if you don’t restrict it to your own department. There are often a lot of interesting things going on at universities — it might be worth checking stuff out. (Although this can get complicated if you are a TA who teaches undergrads).

If there’s iconic local food and it’s ok for you to eat it, trying some might be a good idea. Eating food that people around you eat can be a very effective way to feel like part of the culture. Even if there’s only one thing you like, eating that thing might help a lot. (This is not always possible or advisable for any number of physical or cultural reasons, but it can be good for some people.)

Same goes for other weird local things. Like, if there are festivals and things and you don’t completely hate festivals, it’s likely a good idea to try going at least once if you’re going to be in the area for a while. Again, a couple of Chapel Hill area examples: Festival for the Eno, Halloween on Franklin Street, Carrboro events.

If there are iconic landmarks, it’s probably worth checking them out too.

If there are email lists about events that go on, it’s likely worth signing up for them. You can always unsubscribe later, and you can make a filter so they don’t clog your main inbox. Knowing what’s going on can be really helpful in becoming more integrated, and if you find out while you’re at your computer, it’s more likely to make its way into your calendar.

You can also do things like use Meetup.com to find people in your area who share your interests.

You can also take some kind of not-school-related class. Eg: karate, pottery, cooking.

There are also things you can to make your living space itself feel more like home.

tl;dr When you move to a new place, there are a lot of different things you can do to meet people and otherwise feel more oriented. Scroll up for some specific suggestions.

you don’t have to earn support with a diagnosis

If you were hurt and you’re struggling to cope with the aftermath, that matters. It’s ok to be struggling. It’s ok to need support.

You don’t have to earn support with a diagnosis of something trauma related. You don’t even have to fit diagnostic criteria for a mental health condition to be worthy of support.

Getting hurt matters whether or not it results in PTSD or other diagnosable mental health conditions. There are a lot of different ways that people respond to trauma. In particular, not everyone who experiences abuse or other trauma develops PTSD. It’s ok to want support and to talk to other people whose struggles are similar to yours, whether or not your experience involves PTSD.

It’s also ok if the thing that hurt you wasn’t abuse, or if you aren’t sure whether you think it was abuse or not. It’s ok to need help and support even if it *wasn’t* abuse, or even if things are ambiguous, or even if what happened to you wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not all trauma is the result of abuse. Not all trauma is anyone’s fault. You don’t have to earn support by fitting a particular narrative. You don’t have to earn support by being ideologically or politically useful, either. You matter, it matters that you got hurt, and it’s ok to want help sorting things out.

It’s also ok to relate to and benefit from things that match your experiences partly, but not entirely. (Eg: it’s ok if something written about homophobic bullying helps you to deal with the medical care you experienced in the aftermath of a car crash; it’s ok if something written for people with intellectual disabilities helps you to cope with being the target of transphobic bullying. It’s also ok to use a type of therapy that was initially developed or is usually used to address a different problem than the one you have.)

All of this stuff can be hard to sort out. It’s ok to be struggling. It’s ok to seek help and support where you can find it. You matter, and your experiences matter.

teenage job hunting while autistic

mysticalmoonstone:

realsocialskills:

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

I’m a 17y/o autistic (self dx) person and I want to find a job this summer. I’ve never had a job before. Last year I went cold calling with my CV, the first place I went to the manager was really patronizing and I got upset and went straight home.

I’d love a job in a kitchen, but when it comes to the workplace, the social code is completely unknown to me. I have no idea what is socially acceptable and what the norms are for acting around managers and co-workers etc. and it terrifies me.

I just about grasp the social code for peers my own age. Being talkative and outgoing and appealing to employers and is such a big part of getting work and I have no idea how to do that, and I don’t even have any work experience to back it up. However I know I’m skilled and I’m a fast learner, I’m hard working I just don’t know how to prove it to employers. How can I approach getting a job as an autistic person where communication and social cues some of my biggest difficulties?

realsocialskills said:

Short version: Ask a Manager has much better advice than I do about work stuff, and I’d recommend her writing about how to get a job.

Medium version: Try not to be hard on yourself. Getting a first job is hard for everyone, especially in the current economy. Even a lot of people with experience and in-demand skills are out of work right now:

• You’re probably going to have to apply to a bunch of different positions in order to get hired somewhere
• Being rejected from a job doesn’t always mean you did something wrong
• People who do everything right still often get rejected from most of the jobs they apply to

Sometimes you’re not the problem:

• There are a lot of jerks in the world, and some of them are managers
• If you apply for jobs, you’ll probably encounter some jerks
• It’s upsetting when jerks are mean to you.
• Being a nice and respectful person is unfortunately not always a prerequisite for becoming a manager
• Some managers are jerks, and you might
• It helps to learn not to take this personally
• Someone being mean to you doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you can’t get a job
• It just means someone was mean.

Sometimes there are skills you can learn that make it easier to get hired and keep a job. Ask a Manager has really good advice on those things, particularly about resumes and cover letters. Her book on how to get hired is well worth buying.

In terms of kitchen work specifically:

• Kitchen work is loud, fast, physically demanding, and physically exhausting
• Chefs yell at everyone
• Often, so do other people in kitchens
• You will get yelled at
• It usually won’t be personal
• Learning not to take getting yelled at personally is an important social skill if you want to work in a kitchen
• It’s also important to be able to follow instructions quickly and without too much in-the-moment clarification most of the time

It might also be a good idea to find some volunteer work to do, especially if you don’t have an immediate need to support yourself with living expenses. The best way to get hired is to show that you have successful work experience, and volunteer work experience is easier to get than paid volunteer experience.

At your age, school activities often count as experience. Are you involved in any clubs? Have you accomplished things you can talk about? If so, talk about that.

If you’re still in high school and are receiving special education services in school (which it sounds like you may not be since you’re self-diagnosed), you should be eligible for transition planning services. Even if you’re not, there may be job placement and training services at your school that you can access. If you can find out who at your school does that and make an appointment with them, they might be able to help you.

Anyone else want to weigh in? (Especially autistic or otherwise disabled people; especially teenagers or people who have been teenagers recently.) Have you been able to find work? How have you figured out how to navigate these things?

mysticalmoonstone: said:

Here’s some advice for food service and autism from one who is in the field:

Try to get a job mostly doing prep. You will get to work quietly on your tasks, and not have to interact so much. That’s why prep is my favorite part of the day.

Try to start out in a small place, preferable without a drive thru. High volume large restaurants can be very overwhelming, stressful, and overstimulating at times. I work in one like that, and I work the drive thru line, but I have had prior experience and lots of practice working at smaller places before.

Dish washing can be great because it give you a break from your tasks, and for me the water is soothing.

The hardest part for me is dealing with all the stress from others going on around me, but i work with a lot of really nice and understanding people so that helps.

It can be kinda hard at times, and overwhelming, but the fast pace helps the days go fast, plus i can really hyper focus and whip out perfect sandwiches in like 30 seconds of less. 

I really enjoy kitchen work, and tbh it’s easier for me than doing retail because I don’t have to pretend to be normal for customers.

teenage job hunting while autistic

arobotstolemyuterus:

realsocialskills:

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

I’m a 17y/o autistic (self dx) person and I want to find a job this summer. I’ve never had a job before. Last year I went cold calling with my CV, the first place I went to the manager was really patronizing and I got upset and went straight home.

I’d love a job in a kitchen, but when it comes to the workplace, the social code is completely unknown to me. I have no idea what is socially acceptable and what the norms are for acting around managers and co-workers etc. and it terrifies me.

I just about grasp the social code for peers my own age. Being talkative and outgoing and appealing to employers and is such a big part of getting work and I have no idea how to do that, and I don’t even have any work experience to back it up. However I know I’m skilled and I’m a fast learner, I’m hard working I just don’t know how to prove it to employers. How can I approach getting a job as an autistic person where communication and social cues some of my biggest difficulties?

realsocialskills said:

Short version: Ask a Manager has much better advice than I do about work stuff, and I’d recommend her writing about how to get a job.

Medium version: Try not to be hard on yourself. Getting a first job is hard for everyone, especially in the current economy. Even a lot of people with experience and in-demand skills are out of work right now:

• You’re probably going to have to apply to a bunch of different positions in order to get hired somewhere
• Being rejected from a job doesn’t always mean you did something wrong
• People who do everything right still often get rejected from most of the jobs they apply to

Sometimes you’re not the problem:

• There are a lot of jerks in the world, and some of them are managers
• If you apply for jobs, you’ll probably encounter some jerks
• It’s upsetting when jerks are mean to you.
• Being a nice and respectful person is unfortunately not always a prerequisite for becoming a manager
• Some managers are jerks, and you might
• It helps to learn not to take this personally
• Someone being mean to you doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you can’t get a job
• It just means someone was mean.

Sometimes there are skills you can learn that make it easier to get hired and keep a job. Ask a Manager has really good advice on those things, particularly about resumes and cover letters. Her book on how to get hired is well worth buying.

In terms of kitchen work specifically:

• Kitchen work is loud, fast, physically demanding, and physically exhausting
• Chefs yell at everyone
• Often, so do other people in kitchens
• You will get yelled at
• It usually won’t be personal
• Learning not to take getting yelled at personally is an important social skill if you want to work in a kitchen
• It’s also important to be able to follow instructions quickly and without too much in-the-moment clarification most of the time

It might also be a good idea to find some volunteer work to do, especially if you don’t have an immediate need to support yourself with living expenses. The best way to get hired is to show that you have successful work experience, and volunteer work experience is easier to get than paid volunteer experience.

At your age, school activities often count as experience. Are you involved in any clubs? Have you accomplished things you can talk about? If so, talk about that.

If you’re still in high school and are receiving special education services in school (which it sounds like you may not be since you’re self-diagnosed), you should be eligible for transition planning services. Even if you’re not, there may be job placement and training services at your school that you can access. If you can find out who at your school does that and make an appointment with them, they might be able to help you.

Anyone else want to weigh in? (Especially autistic or otherwise disabled people; especially teenagers or people who have been teenagers recently.) Have you been able to find work? How have you figured out how to navigate these things?

arobotstolemyuterus said:

Also, it’s important to remember that just about every 17 year old who has never had a job before is going to be learning the social codes for what is acceptable at work, and even people who have worked before have to learn to adapt to a new workplace. It might take you a little longer to adapt, but I don’t think that potential employers are going to expect someone who is looking for there first job to be completely savvy walking in the door.

realsocialskills said:

Yes, that too. That reminds me of the post I wrote about problems with the assumption that socialization is hard for autistic people but automatic or trivial for NTs.

It’s hard to learn how to have a job, and it’s ok that it’s hard.

That said, it’s not uncommon for autistic people to have additional problems with employment on top of the ones that are usual for someone in their first job. That can really go either way. 

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

for the autistic person interested in kitchen work- 

If you’re in US there’s the Recipe For Success program which trains unemployed/underemployed people in prep cook skills and certifies them in Restaurant Management (it is NOT a course on how to get a pity job sweeping floors for min wage). 

To warn you though- Im autistic, dreamed of being a chef, found the course humiliating/frustrating, did not want 2b chef after. There’s a lot of teamwork, which can be hard if you are bad at reading other other people and anticipating what people want from you (the best thing you can do is make friends with the group so they will help you, otherwise you’ll never understand what’d going on). 

My instructors were also big on Taking Initiative, don’t know if other teachers would be but mine invented the entire national program so…if you need structure in order to know what to do, that might be a problem. I also found the strong smells to be an issue. But that’s me and my personality.

teenage job hunting while autistic

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

I’m a 17y/o autistic (self dx) person and I want to find a job this summer. I’ve never had a job before. Last year I went cold calling with my CV, the first place I went to the manager was really patronizing and I got upset and went straight home.

I’d love a job in a kitchen, but when it comes to the workplace, the social code is completely unknown to me. I have no idea what is socially acceptable and what the norms are for acting around managers and co-workers etc. and it terrifies me.

I just about grasp the social code for peers my own age. Being talkative and outgoing and appealing to employers and is such a big part of getting work and I have no idea how to do that, and I don’t even have any work experience to back it up. However I know I’m skilled and I’m a fast learner, I’m hard working I just don’t know how to prove it to employers. How can I approach getting a job as an autistic person where communication and social cues some of my biggest difficulties?

realsocialskills said:

Short version: Ask a Manager has much better advice than I do about work stuff, and I’d recommend her writing about how to get a job.

Medium version: Try not to be hard on yourself. Getting a first job is hard for everyone, especially in the current economy. Even a lot of people with experience and in-demand skills are out of work right now:

• You’re probably going to have to apply to a bunch of different positions in order to get hired somewhere
• Being rejected from a job doesn’t always mean you did something wrong
• People who do everything right still often get rejected from most of the jobs they apply to

Sometimes you’re not the problem:

• There are a lot of jerks in the world, and some of them are managers
• If you apply for jobs, you’ll probably encounter some jerks
• It’s upsetting when jerks are mean to you.
• Being a nice and respectful person is unfortunately not always a prerequisite for becoming a manager
• Some managers are jerks, and you might
• It helps to learn not to take this personally
• Someone being mean to you doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you can’t get a job
• It just means someone was mean.

Sometimes there are skills you can learn that make it easier to get hired and keep a job. Ask a Manager has really good advice on those things, particularly about resumes and cover letters. Her book on how to get hired is well worth buying.

In terms of kitchen work specifically:

• Kitchen work is loud, fast, physically demanding, and physically exhausting
• Chefs yell at everyone
• Often, so do other people in kitchens
• You will get yelled at
• It usually won’t be personal
• Learning not to take getting yelled at personally is an important social skill if you want to work in a kitchen
• It’s also important to be able to follow instructions quickly and without too much in-the-moment clarification most of the time

It might also be a good idea to find some volunteer work to do, especially if you don’t have an immediate need to support yourself with living expenses. The best way to get hired is to show that you have successful work experience, and volunteer work experience is easier to get than paid volunteer experience.

At your age, school activities often count as experience. Are you involved in any clubs? Have you accomplished things you can talk about? If so, talk about that.

If you’re still in high school and are receiving special education services in school (which it sounds like you may not be since you’re self-diagnosed), you should be eligible for transition planning services. Even if you’re not, there may be job placement and training services at your school that you can access. If you can find out who at your school does that and make an appointment with them, they might be able to help you.

Anyone else want to weigh in? (Especially autistic or otherwise disabled people; especially teenagers or people who have been teenagers recently.) Have you been able to find work? How have you figured out how to navigate these things?

you don’t have to be perfect at self care to deserve medical treatment

Disabilities and chronic conditions often require difficult and time-consuming self care.

For instance:

• People who are paralyzed have to pay very close attention to their skin to avoid dangerous pressure sores
• People with CF have to do a lot of breathing treatments
• A lot of people have to keep track of a very complicated medication schedule
• Or any number of other things

A lot of medical complications are preventable with the right self care. But no one manages perfect self care, because self care is hard, and people are human and nobody is perfect.

Making a mistake that leads to an injury that was theoretically preventable sometimes pisses off doctors. It’s also something that people sometimes feel very ashamed of. This can be a deterrent to getting medical care.

It’s not right that it’s this way. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve medical care. Sometimes you make mistakes and need treatment. That’s part of the human condition, and it doesn’t mean you’re somehow less deserving.

Nondisabled people injure themselves doing careless things all the time. People who fall off bikes in a moment of carelessness and break bones get to have medical treatment without facing that kind of hate. So do people who burn themselves cooking. Doctors are capable of understanding that people make mistakes and get hurt — and people with disabilities deserve this understanding just as much as anyone else.

Everyone who needs medical care deserves it. Including people who make mistakes. Including people with disabilities who make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect at self care to deserve treatment.

Rigorous attention to self care is important. So is medical support for needs that arise, including as the result of mistakes.

thoughts on dating while autistic

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

Hi! I’m autistic, and I’ve never dated anyone, although I have been asked out before. Truthfully, I’m terrified of dating or being in a relationship, because I’m almost 18 and I’ve never even kissed anyone before, and I’m embarrassed!

I’m a pretty attractive girl and very good at hiding my autism, so people are interested in me at first, until I totally mess up flirting because of my social awkwardness.

Can you tell me what dating/relationships are like, so I know what to expect/how to act? thanks!

realsocialskills said:

I can’t answer this directly because dating and relationships are different for everyone. They aren’t about scripts; they’re about building something with another person that works for both of you. I don’t know what they will be like for you. That is something that you will figure out as you get more experience.

But I can tell you some related things:

It’s ok to be embarrassed. Figuring out dating is embarrassing for most people. That doesn’t mean that you can’t date or have relationships. It just means that you will be embarrassed sometimes.

Flirting is at least sort of embarrassing even when it’s working. Figuring out whether or not someone is interested in you is at least somewhat embarrassing for almost everyone. Flirting is a way to make the process of figuring it out more pleasant than embarrassing.

Flirting effectively is a bit like learning to play the violin — just like initial attempts to play the violin sound terrible, initial attempts to learn how to flirt tend to be acutely embarrassing. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just means that there’s a learning curve.

Also — it’s not unusual to be 17 and not have kissed anyone yet. Sometimes the way people talk about teenagers can make it sound like everyone is dating and having sex, but it’s not true. Some people are, and some people aren’t. Both are ok. A lot of people your age haven’t kissed anyone. And the people who are kissing others also get embarrassed and unsure of themselves.

(It would also be ok even if it was unusual. It’s ok if some things are harder or take longer for you than they do for most people.)

Many of the skills involved in romantic relationships are the same skills involved in friendship. And one of the most important skills involved in friendship is figuring out how to tell whether you like someone, and whether they like you.

Figuring out whether you like someone can be hard for a lot of autistic people. Among other reasons, a lot of us are taught that we have to be friends with anyone who will tolerate our company. That’s not how dating works and it’s not how friendship works either.

If you don’t like someone, you shouldn’t date them. If you don’t like spending time with someone, you shouldn’t date them. If you’re hoping that they will change dramatically, you shouldn’t date them. It’s only a good idea to date someone if you like them and enjoy their company as they are now. You can’t build a good relationship with an imaginary person.

Similarly, it’s important to only date people who like you. People who are hoping that you will change, or who want you to act nonautistic all the time, are not people who like you.

You can’t become nonautistic to please people who find autism repellant, and you aren’t going to be able to hide autism from them forever. It always becomes noticeable sooner or later, because autism affects you and your experiences and impairments matter. You are who you are, and your disability is part of that. And that’s ok, because disabled people can date, and we can do it well.

The most important thing to know about dating and relationships is that, in good relationships, the people involved like and respect each other. Respecting and liking yourself is an important part of learning to build a mutually respectful relationship. Liking yourself helps you to like others; and to tell whether others like you. Respecting yourself helps you to learn to treat others respectfully; and to understand whether or not the ways others are treating you are ok.

From the way you phrased your ask, I think that you might be having a lot of trouble feeling ok about yourself as an autistic person. I think that it would help you a lot to work on understanding that it’s ok to be autistic, and that you can be a fabulous autistic human being.

It sounds to me that you think that you have to pass as non-autistic to be dateable. You don’t have to do that. Autism doesn’t prevent kissing and it doesn’t prevent love.

A lot of autistic people struggle to feel worthy of love and friendship. A lot of us feel repulsive a lot of the time. We’re often made to feel that our thoughts, feelings, interests, and body language are disgusting flaws. But they are not. We’re ok. Being autistic is ok.

We are beautiful. The way we look and the way we move and the way we think is beautiful. Autistic beauty is real, and there are people in the world who appreciate it.

We are often taught that, unless we learn to pretend that we’re normal, no one will ever like us. (That’s the basic message of the Social Thinking curriculum, for instance). We’re also often taught that we’re not allowed to make mistakes. A lot of us feel like every time we make a social mistake, it’s showing that we’re deeply flawed and hopelessly unworthy.

That makes dating really hard, because everyone makes acutely embarrassing social mistakes as they learn how to date. (And often even after they have a lot of experience.). It sounds to me like you might feel like you have to earn the right to date by never making any embarrassing mistakes. You don’t. If that was the standard, no one would ever be able to date. It’s ok to be fallible and embarrassed and unsure of things. You’re ok.

There are people who will appreciate your beauty. There are people who will find you attractive. There are people who will love you.

You can learn how to date, and you can do it as yourself.