reader questions – Page 11 – Real Social Skills

“I can’t” vs “I decided not to”

December 18, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When people say “I can’t” I’ll sometimes encourage them to say “I decided not to” or something instead. Nobody can predict the future, so maybe nobody can know for sure whether somebody would be able to do something if they tried some more times. However, a person has a right to decide to stop. They may judge that it’s so unlikely they would succeed that it’s not worth trying; and doing it may not be worth a tremendous amount to them. I also have a right to my opinion that maybe they can.

realsocialskills answered:

You have a right to your opinion, but you don’t have the right to have them respect your assessment of their abilities. You especially do not have the right to have them take your opinion into consideration when they’re deciding what they can and can’t do.

Inability to do things is real. And yes, I may sometimes be wrong about my inability to do things, but taking it seriously when I think I can’t do something matters. Even if I’m wrong.

There’s a difference between deciding I don’t want to do something, and deciding that I think I am incapable of something, or that doing the thing is unacceptably risky for me.

Even if other people think I’m wrong – I still have the right to assess what my limits are and act accordingly. And even though I will sometimes mistakenly think that I am unable to do something I am actually capable of, “I can’t” is still a vital part of my vocabulary.

There’s a difference between not wanting to do a thing, and reaching the conclusion that I’m probably not capable of doing the thing and that trying is hurting me.

I need to be able to acknowledge that I have limits in order to manage them correctly, and do what I can instead of pretending that enough willpower makes everything possible.

So does everyone else. In particular, people with disabilities who have been taught that we’re not allowed to take physical limitation seriously. But being disabled and physically limited isn’t a moral failing. It’s just a fact of life that sometimes needs to be accounted for.

The problem with ‘autism experts’ as a source of help with autism-related problems

December 7, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m just curious why is an autism expert the last person you’d go to.

Because ‘autism experts’ are taught things like this:

Autistic people are mind-blind and can’t understand emotions
And need intense social skills training, or
Don’t quite reach adulthood ever, or
Should be steered into STEM majors, or
Need intense ABA in order to make them look normal, or
All think in pictures, or
Any number of other stereotypes
Many of them also do things like routinely prescribe anti-psychotics to autistic people

That’s pretty much dealbreaking in terms of trusting them. Among other reasons.

Relying on others for reassurance

December 4, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader said:

When people rely on the reassurance of someone else it can be very dangerous for everyone involved.

realsocialskills said:

It depends a lot on the context.

I think there are different kinds of relying on others.

There’s relying on others when you know that your perceptions in some areas are unreliable:

If you know that you often think things are awful when they aren’t, or that you’ve done something horribly wrong when you haven’t, checking in with others who you trust to have a more reliable perspective can be a good strategy
You have to be careful who you trust this way
It has to be someone who is both trustworthy and genuinely willing to do this for you
And when one or both elements are missing, this can go badly wrong.
But this is a strategy that works really well for a lot of people, under the right circumstances

Then there’s the kind of relying on others that’s about needing universal approval:

Sometimes people have a self image that depends on other people constantly approving of them
And reassuring them that they are good and what they are doing is good
This gets really bad really quickly
And often leads to people on both sides of it manipulating each other in destructive ways, and pretty much always leads to one or the other person doing so
It’s important to be able to accept that not everyone will like you, and that even people who like you will not always like what you do and will be upset with you from time to time
People who can’t accept this cause a lot of problems for themselves and others

These things are very different, but they tend to get conflated.

It takes more than etymology to make a slur

November 25, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Do you think words with etymologies based on oppression (like “idiot” or “hysterical”) but are no longer used that way now should be considered slurs? Do you think most people consider them slurs? I’ve heard some compelling arguments for why they should be treated like slurs, but I’ve also heard some good reasons for why they shouldn’t be, and it’s all very confusing.

realsocialskills answered:

I don’t think etymology is important. I think what’s important is how a word is used.

If something is used as a slur, then it’s a slur even if it has a neutral etymology. (People try to argue that the r-word isn’t a slur because it literally just means slow. Those people are wrong.)

If something is not used as a slur, then it’s not one even if it has an etymology based on oppression or hate. (For instance: “autism” has an etymology based on dehumanizing autistic people, but it’s not a slur.)

This gets complicated because sometimes people will claim that something “isn’t a slur anymore” even when it clearly is. If people the word is used against think it’s still a slur, then it’s a slur even if some people think they “don’t mean it that way”. (The g-word is a good example of this.)

I think that there are also words that are somewhat tainted by oppressive etymologies or connotations. It can be worthwhile to personally try to avoid using those words. (I avoid some, but not all, tainted words for that reason). But it’s dangerous to treat these words as actually being the same as slurs. One reason it’s important not to do this is that it causes serious problems for people with language disabilities. This is a good example of the importance of understanding the difference between personal piety and basic morality.

Some thoughts on PTSD at school

November 22, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I developed PTSD last year and took time off college, and I’m about to go back for the first time since then. I’ve been auditing classes for a few months now though and I’m suddenly terrified. I can barely read anymore (I can’t focus and it’s often panic inducing). I dissociate in class and sometimes even have highly humiliating episodes in lectures. I never retain anything and it feels futile and I’m afraid I’m gonna flunk out. If you have any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you!!

realsocialskills answered:

Since I don’t know you, all I can do is guess – but here are a couple of possibilities that comes to mind:

Do you find evaluation triggering? Like, tests, quizzes, papers, things where you have to prove that you mastered the material? Or knowing that you’re being graded?

If so, I wonder if maybe a full course load might be too much for you right now. Being terrified is exhausting and time consuming. So is dealing with being triggered a lot. That plus a full course load might be taking up more time than you have.

It might be better to start by only taking one course for credit. That could give you space to work on figuring out what’s triggering and how to deal with it.

Another possibility: If you’re missing material because you dissociate in class, you might be able to get a notetaker as a disability accommodation. Or you might try recording the lectures (which is a disability accommodation you can get even if recording isn’t normally allowed). Similarly, if you find a particular *kind* of assessment triggering, you might be able to arrange a modified form (eg: if taking a quiz in-class causes you to dissociate, you might be able to arrange to do a take-home instead.)

You might also try collaborative note taking:

It’s a good strategy for anyone to try who is having trouble paying attention in lecture
But it might also be helpful for you if your episodes are the kind someone can help you avert if you see one coming on
Because then you’d already be communicating with your notetaking partner, so if you see a problem coming it might give your the opportunity to get help

Another possibility: Are you dealing with a triggering or cognitively incompatible teacher?

For some people, teachers who teach in certain ways can be triggering
Or can be so hard to understand that they exhaust you in ways that take away the cognitive abilities you need to do school
Or can be hostile to you in subtle but intensely destructive ways
Or any number of other serious points of incompatibility
If you’re having a debilitating reaction to a particular teacher, it’s probably really important to not take classes with that teacher, even if it looks like a good idea on paper

(There’s a range of different things that work for different people, so it would also be good to seek out different perspectives.)

Conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism

November 20, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

What are the conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism? Is there a polite way to refuse touch on these situations?

realsocialskills answered:

That depends on the nature of your faith. Different traditions have different attitudes towards going into places of worship associated with other religions. And ultimately, it’s a matter of what your perspective on these things is.

One approach is that going to a funeral doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with religion or your religious beliefs. It can be about supporting people who are going through the awful experience of losing someone they care about. That’s generally understood to be one reason people go to funerals. Going to a funeral is not taken as a sign that you believe in that faith, just that you care about the people.

Most, but not all, religions make it possible to be in the service without actively participating in affirmations of faith. Because most religions accept that people have a legitimate reason to be present other than being part of that faith. For some people, that makes it ok to be at funerals in houses of worship that have very different values than their own – because they aren’t affirming that faith by being there; just supporting people in their grief.

But it’s also ok if your faith or atheism means that you’re unable to be present during the rituals of another faith. For some people, that’s really important. (It’s also important not to be a jerk about it.) If you’re not able to be present at the funeral, there are other ways you can offer support. For instance, calling them a few days later, or coming by, and checking how they’re doing and whether they want to talk. In some ways that can be more helpful than the funeral because sometimes people can be very alone and isolated after the public ritual has ended.

In terms of polite ways to avoid touch, it depends on which religious group you are talking about. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not. When it’s not, it’s ok if that means you need to avoid that kind of service and find out ways to support mourners.

There is a useful book called How to be a perfect stranger that gives a guide to what’s likely to happen and be expected at various places of worship. That might be helpful in navigating these things.

Who is and isn’t seen as having the right to cuss

November 19, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader commented:

One thing about what age it becomes acceptable to swear: It can vary not just depending on location, it can also vary depending on your gender and disability status, and possibly other things i know less about. if you are female and/or disabled, people may want to preserve your “innocence” and may have a bad reaction to you swearing at a later age than they would if you were an able-bodied, neurotypical male. This is especially true for severely disabled people, regardless of gender.

realsocialskills said:

Yes, this is definitely true.

It can also be connected to not wanting people to be able to have boundaries.

Cussing is a particularly emphatic and unequivocal form of “no”.

Some people aren’t perceived as having a right to that kind of power.

Hierarchies of cussing

November 19, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’ve never understood which swearwords are worse than others. It’s only in very recent years that I’ve heard people saying that the c-word is the worst of all. Before that I assumed the f-word was the worst swearword. Is there a pretty specific hierarchy of severity?

realsocialskills answered:

It depends on the context.

There are different kinds of swear words:

Profanity based on religious concepts (“Go to hell”, “Goddammit”)
Sexual or scatological swears (“Fuck off”, “shit”)
Then there are slurs that derive their power from invoking hatred of a particular group (eg, the n-word, the r-word, the t-word and the g-word (I don’t like to spell out slurs – if you don’t know which words I mean, send me a message and I’ll tell you).

There is also some ambiguity:

Sexual swears have substantial overlap with misogynist or homophobic slurs
Telling someone to “fuck off” generally isn’t a slur, but telling someone they need to get laid often is
Calling someone a bastard or an SOB tends to not be meant literally or intended to invoke stigma associated with being born out of wedlock. But it definitely has origins as a slur and is often still intentionally used that way. It’s the kind of swear word that is highly context dependent – in some situations it’s considered a fairly mild swear; among people who are regularly called those things as slurs it is *not* mild
In the US, calling someone the c-word is a misogynist slur. I’m not sure that’s the case in other parts of the world.

Which type of swear word is considered more severe is heavily context-dependent:

In secular culture, religion-related profanity is generally considered the mildest. That is not necessarily the case among religious people.
Slurs properly *ought* to be considered the worst words, but they tend not to be. For instance, you can say them on television without bleeping in the US, but you can’t say most of the sexual and scatological swears
But some people aren’t offended at all by “fuck”, but are extremely offended by slurs (that might be behind people’s reaction to the c-word).

A lot also depends on how the word is being used. There are a lot of nuances. For instance, here are some variations on the uses of scatological, sexual, and profane swear words:

Saying a word by itself to express frustration or pain is one of the more mild forms of swearing (eg: dropping something on your toe and exclaiming “fuck!”). This is generally considered acceptable for adults, although the range of words considered acceptable varies.
This is generally not considered acceptable for young children; the age at which it becomes socially acceptable depends a lot on where you are
Using a cuss word to describe someone or their work is considered more severe (eg: “That’s a shitty piece of art.”; “People who think that’s ok can just fuck right off”)
Actually saying the word to someone you think it about directly is the most severe form of swearing, generally speaking (eg: “Fuck you”.)

These words can get really complicated and confusing, and the rules are different in different places. It’s not just you – it’s confusing and context dependent.