reader questions – Page 14 – Real Social Skills

Arguments about the definition of abuse can be counterproductive

October 2, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

What defines abuse? Like say someone is unsure of weather the way they are treated by another is actual abuse and is worried that if they try to get help it will be denied and only get worse?

realsocialskills said:

Here’s the thing. When people are inclined to violate your boundaries, they will often do just about anything they can to derail things when you tell them to knock it off.

One common way they do this is to start an argument about whether something is technically bad enough to be abuse or not.

That’s usually beside the point. What’s relevant is that you are being pressured into putting up with something that hurts you. And sometimes you need help getting them to stop hurting you.

That’s what’s important. Not whether something technically qualifies as abuse according to some formalized definition.

When people disagree about painful things

October 1, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

thehumblearticulatefeminist asked:

Hi! I really like your post ‘don’t tell me my pain is beautiful.’ However I have a slight problem with ‘I think you’re wrong.’ Because oppression is so personally triggering it’s problematic for people to ‘disagree’ and follow with ‘devils advocate.’

realsocialskills answered:

I’m not talking about “devil’s advocate” or any of that kind of thing. I agree that devil’s advocate is a horrible thing to do. Or otherwise treating it as a game or an opportunity for debate practice.

It’s not ok to treat things as a rhetoric context unless everyone involved consents to that. But substantive disagreement is a different thing.

I’m talking about when people actually disagree, for actual reasons. When they’re listening, taking the content seriously, and finding a significant point of disagreement that they think is worth mentioning.

(It’s important to be careful about this, and something being “just your opinion” doesn’t mean that others are bound to respect it. And there are times when you will rightfully be slammed for condescending to people on a topic you’re not informed about. Substantive disagreement is a different thing).

Someone being in pain doesn’t necessarily mean they are right, especially when they are advocating something specific. Finding disagreement triggering also doesn’t mean that the person getting triggered is right.

There are people I block because their comments to some of my entries are triggering for me in ways I can’t handle constructively. That doesn’t mean that I’m right, or that they should stop saying what they think. (I think they’re wrong and that they should change their views, but that’s a separate issue.)

Some things that are really important to talk about are also excruciating. That doesn’t mean that no one can or should disagree with anyone who is suffering.

Intrusive questions when you work with the public

September 23, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I was wondering if you or your readers might have some advice. I have very poor balance and a pronounced limp due to a life-threatening illness and I work with the public. They comment on it, often asking what happened. It’s motivated by concern, but it’s embarrassing(I literally make people sad just by leaving the house) and I don’t know how to respond (do they think it’s going to be a funny story?). I think I’m bad for business and could quit if I really wanted. How do I deal with this issue?

Realsocialskills answered:

I don’t know. I have a couple of guesses based on things I and friends have experienced. I think many readers of this blog are more qualified to answer this than I am.

Here are my guesses:

Keep in mind that working with the public doesn’t mean you anyone an explanation of your health issues:

Just because someone asks doesn’t mean you have to explain
If you give an answer, it doesn’t have to be accurate
It’s your business and not theirs

Sometimes people aren’t actually looking for information. Sometimes they just want reassurance that they’re not supposed to be rescuing you.

For people like that, it might help to say something like “Don’t worry; I’m used to it.”

Some people are obnoxious nosy jerks, and I don’t know of any good approaches to them. The best I’ve seen is pretending they haven’t said what they’ve said, or else telling them in plain language to knock it off.

It might be better to say something like “Don’t worry, I’m used to it.” Sometimes what people want isn’t information; they sometimes really just want reassurance that there isn’t anything they should be doing to fix it.
Or something obviously absurd like “I’m recovering from a zombie attack.”
It’s also ok to say “That’s a rather personal question.” That probably works better with colleagues or in social situations than when working with the public, though.

It also might help to change the subject to something that’s actually on topic for your job. It’s possible that what they really want is reassurance that it’s ok for them to be asking you to help them even though you look sick. Eg:

“You look like you’re falling over. Are you ok? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine. Can I help you select some sunglasses? There’s a sale on women’s styles this week.”

Anyway, those are my guesses. Any of y’all have more informed advice?

When is it ok not to tell people things?

September 22, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Is it okay not to tell someone something because you think they’ll disapprove? Assume it’s something that doesn’t affect their life, only yours, but you know they like hearing about your life and you know their feelings will be hurt if you don’t tell them. Do you have an obligation to tell them?

realsocialskills said:

There are very few things you have an obligation to tell other people about when they’re not personally affected. In fact, off hand, I can’t think of any. (Although, it’s not always 100% straightforward what does and doesn’t directly affect someone. Some things that seem like they don’t actually do.)

That said, outright lying about something the other person is likely to find out about tends to backfire, because it can have a corrosive effect on you. It can make you feel like you must be doing something wrong if you have to lie about it, and it can make you anxious about what will happen when they inevitably find out about it. Sometimes it’s a good idea anyway, but often it is not.

If someone is personally offended that you keep some parts of your life private, that’s a major red flag. It’s a sign that this relationship has bad boundaries.

No friends tell each other everything; no one approves of everything their friend does. There are always at least a few things that it’s better not to discuss.

In mutually respectful friendships, both people understand this and respect one another’s privacy. If someone expect you to tell them everything and gets upset when you don’t, they’re being controlling. They’re not treating you as an equal.

And it usually gets worse over time. If someone can convince you that you’re not allowed to have any boundaries or privacy, they usually keep pushing.

Some people who do this start acting right if you assert boundaries and refuse to tolerate it when they’re breached. That doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes you can assert boundaries enough to make the relationship work even if they never really respect them willingly. Sometimes that doesn’t work and the friendship can’t be safe even if you really, really like them in other ways.

Borrowing computers

September 13, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi… I have a suggestion I’d really like to see: a post with more about people asking to borrow your computer and similar issues and why this can be a problem. Thanks for the blog! 🙂

realsocialskills answered:

Here’s how I’d explain it to people who are inclined to expect to have the use of other people’s computers:

Some people experience their computer/iPad/phone/etc as part of their body and find losing control over these things intensely distressing. Asking to borrow a computer can be like asking to borrow part of someone’s body.

Even for people who do not feel that way – Computers and things are expensive. Some people don’t like to share them, because they depend on them heavily and wouldn’t be able to afford to replace them.

Don’t put people in the position of having to tell you they don’t trust you not to break their computer. There’s no polite way to say that.

It can be ok to ask, but it’s important not to assume that the answer will be yes. And if you’re anticipating the need for a computer during the day, plan ahead rather than putting others on the spot.

For instance:

If you know you’ll need to look things up during the day, and you also know that Bob always carries an iPad, don’t just assume that you’ll be able to use his.
Either ask in advance, or bring your own
If you’re going to need a computer for a presentation or to show a video or something, it’s very important not to assume you’ll be able to use someone else’s.
Ask ahead of time, and take no for an answer if someone says no
Putting people on the spot pressures them to say yes even if it’s not really ok with them
Because it’s likely that everyone will think it’s their fault for ruining your presentation if they don’t agree to share their computer
Don’t do this to people.

Some people are happy to occasionally allow friends and coworkers to use their computers. Other people aren’t. It’s ok to be unwilling to share, and the reasons why are no one else’s business. Don’t pressure people into doing things with their computer that they’re not really ok with.

Asking followup questions

September 7, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Is it OK to ask follow-up questions? So if I asked someone “Would you like some of my ice cream?“, and they said no but I felt there was more to it, and I said something like “should I avoid offering you food?”, would that be OK?

This is often ok, yes.

I think phrasing it as “Would you rather I didn’t offer you food?” would be slighting better. “Should I…” could be perceived as defensive, It could also be read as you wanting them to offer a reason that you could potentially argue with. “Would you rather…” is clearer about wanting to know what their preferences are.

If you can read body language, pay attention to it when you’re asking questions. If they seem uncomfortable, it’s probably better not to ask additional follow up questions.

(If they’re a friend, it might be appropriate to ask if they’re ok. If they’re a professional associate, err on the side of backing off.)

Sometimes it’s better to back off rather than try to fix things, especially if the problem is that someone is feeling really self-concious.

When someone won’t stop making fun of you

September 1, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

What do you do when someone is constantly insulting and making fun of you, but every time you try to tell them how much they’re hurting your feelings, they say they don’t want to talk about it? I don’t want to force someone to have a conversation that is painful or uninteresting to them, but it’s also extremely frustrating to deal with constant insults and belittling, and have no way to express how hurt I am or make them stop.

First of all, telling someone to stop insulting and belittling you is not pushing them around. You have every right to tell them to stop, and telling them to stop isn’t bad, even if it makes them feel bad.

That said, it’s possible to tell someone to stop insulting you without making it into a conversation about your feelings. It’s ok to say “That’s not ok. Please don’t say things like that to me.” You don’t owe them a long explanation of *why* it’s not ok.

Sometimes it’s also good to end conversations if someone starts insulting you. Eg “I’m not going to stand here and be insulted. This conversation is over.” and then leave the room, or hang up, or whatever the ending would take in that conversation.