What defines abuse? Like say someone is unsure of weather the way they are treated by another is actual abuse and is worried that if they try to get help it will be denied and only get worse?
Category: reader questions
When people disagree about painful things
Hi! I really like your post ‘don’t tell me my pain is beautiful.’ However I have a slight problem with ‘I think you’re wrong.’ Because oppression is so personally triggering it’s problematic for people to ‘disagree’ and follow with ‘devils advocate.’
Intrusive questions when you work with the public
I was wondering if you or your readers might have some advice. I have very poor balance and a pronounced limp due to a life-threatening illness and I work with the public. They comment on it, often asking what happened. It’s motivated by concern, but it’s embarrassing(I literally make people sad just by leaving the house) and I don’t know how to respond (do they think it’s going to be a funny story?). I think I’m bad for business and could quit if I really wanted. How do I deal with this issue?
- Just because someone asks doesn’t mean you have to explain
- If you give an answer, it doesn’t have to be accurate
- It’s your business and not theirs
Sometimes people aren’t actually looking for information. Sometimes they just want reassurance that they’re not supposed to be rescuing you.
- For people like that, it might help to say something like “Don’t worry; I’m used to it.”
Some people are obnoxious nosy jerks, and I don’t know of any good approaches to them. The best I’ve seen is pretending they haven’t said what they’ve said, or else telling them in plain language to knock it off.
- It might be better to say something like “Don’t worry, I’m used to it.” Sometimes what people want isn’t information; they sometimes really just want reassurance that there isn’t anything they should be doing to fix it.
- Or something obviously absurd like “I’m recovering from a zombie attack.”
- It’s also ok to say “That’s a rather personal question.” That probably works better with colleagues or in social situations than when working with the public, though.
It also might help to change the subject to something that’s actually on topic for your job. It’s possible that what they really want is reassurance that it’s ok for them to be asking you to help them even though you look sick. Eg:
- “You look like you’re falling over. Are you ok? What’s wrong?”
- “I’m fine. Can I help you select some sunglasses? There’s a sale on women’s styles this week.”
Anyway, those are my guesses. Any of y’all have more informed advice?
When is it ok not to tell people things?
Is it okay not to tell someone something because you think they’ll disapprove? Assume it’s something that doesn’t affect their life, only yours, but you know they like hearing about your life and you know their feelings will be hurt if you don’t tell them. Do you have an obligation to tell them?
Feeling like a terrible awful person
I’m sorry if this is a stupid question, but it’s gotten pretty bad… whenever I have a moment to think– usually when I’m laying down for bed– my mind defaults to thinking up every single reason I’m a terrible awful failure who doesn’t deserve to exist, and it ends up causing a sort of feedback loop that magnifies those feelings a hundredfold. Do you know anyone who does something similar or might have some advice for breaking the cycle? TIA.
Borrowing computers
Hi… I have a suggestion I’d really like to see: a post with more about people asking to borrow your computer and similar issues and why this can be a problem. Thanks for the blog! 🙂
- If you know you’ll need to look things up during the day, and you also know that Bob always carries an iPad, don’t just assume that you’ll be able to use his.
- Either ask in advance, or bring your own
- If you’re going to need a computer for a presentation or to show a video or something, it’s very important not to assume you’ll be able to use someone else’s.
- Ask ahead of time, and take no for an answer if someone says no
- Putting people on the spot pressures them to say yes even if it’s not really ok with them
- Because it’s likely that everyone will think it’s their fault for ruining your presentation if they don’t agree to share their computer
- Don’t do this to people.
Do not touch other people’s musical instruments
chavisory said:
Same as with assistive equipment and service animals-you shouldn’t even touch somebody else’s instrument without asking, usually. Again, unless some kind of unusual familiarity or intimacy creates an exception
realsocialskills said:
Yes. And also, this is *especially* the case if they are not present. Because some instruments are easy to break accidentally in ways that aren’t obvious. If you touch someone’s instrument when they’re not there, they can’t stop you from doing things that will break it.
Asking followup questions
Is it OK to ask follow-up questions? So if I asked someone “Would you like some of my ice cream?“, and they said no but I felt there was more to it, and I said something like “should I avoid offering you food?”, would that be OK?
Explaining an idiom: ‘knock on wood’
Anonymous asked:
Idioms: Knock on wood?
- Janet: How’s it going?
- Bill: Things are really great! My business is doing super well, and I think we’re about to get a really big contract.
- Bill: …knock on wood.
What Bill means is something “I think I’m going to get this contract, but I’m kind of worried that my confidence will jinx it. I am acknowledging this in hopes that it will protect me and that I will in fact get the important contract.”
When someone won’t stop making fun of you
What do you do when someone is constantly insulting and making fun of you, but every time you try to tell them how much they’re hurting your feelings, they say they don’t want to talk about it? I don’t want to force someone to have a conversation that is painful or uninteresting to them, but it’s also extremely frustrating to deal with constant insults and belittling, and have no way to express how hurt I am or make them stop.