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Pride in disabled accomplishments vs inspiration porn

January 31, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

I think sometimes people with disabilities get caught between a rock and a hard place regarding pride and inspiration porn.

When people without disabilities choose to do hard things, they usually feel proud of accomplishing them. And they usually have people in their lives who notice the hard things, and who respect them for doing them. Doing hard things is something that people generally respect.

People with disabilities are often totally excluded from that kind of respect, when the thing that’s hard is hard for reasons related to disability.

Sometimes the difficulty of being disabled is acknowledged, or at least referred to, but in a way that’s utterly devoid of respect. That can take the form of condescending and degrading praise, eg:

“Wow, you are a person with a disability in public! You’re not even in your house! You are doing a thing! That is so inspiring!”, or:
“Hello, fellow parents at the conference. This is my son. I never gave up on him, so he’s going to play the guitar badly for us. See what our special kids can accomplish if we believe in them?!”, or:
“Wow, you sure are good at driving that wheelchair that you have been using every day for the past ten years.“
“Wow, really, you’re autistic? I never would have known! I don’t see you that way at all. You even talk to people and everything.”

And then there’s the other side, where everyone just completely ignores difficult things that people with disabilities accomplish when the difficulty was disability-related, eg:

Learning, through considerable focused effort, to speak in a way that others can understand (nondisabled people are allowed to be proud of their communication skills)
Preferring to walk and putting in a lot of effort to retain the ability (nondisabled people are allowed to be proud of their ability to run)
Bearing hate and breaking into a profession that’s hostile to people with disabilities
Learning to read even though it’s cognitively difficult (nondisabled people are allowed to be proud of learning to understand something difficult)
Learning how to recognize facial expressions
Figuring out a way to do calligraphy even though your motor skills are awful (nondisabled people are allowed to be proud of mastering a difficult artistic skill)
Explaining your reality to someone who you need to understand it

When people don’t acknowledge this kind of thing, it’s degrading in a different way:

Doing things that are easy for most people can, genuinely, be a major accomplishment for us
Our struggles aren’t acknowledged very much, and almost never in respectful terms
And our disability-related accomplishments aren’t often celebrated, except when they’re being used as a way to shame nondisabled people into being less lazy or something
Having the difficult things we do go completely unacknowledged is also degrading
Disability-related accomplishments matter just as much as accomplishments not related to disability

Or, in short, these things are very different:

Being exhibited by someone else as you play the guitar badly, while that person implies the the audience that this is the height of what you will ever accomplish
Having messed up hands, deciding to try to learn to play guitar anyway, getting to the point where you can coordinate well enough to play a few songs badly, and being proud that you’ve come so far

It’s ok to be proud of doing things that are hard for you, even if they’re easy for most people. It’s not a failure of acceptance. It’s not the same as pushing yourself to be normal at all costs. Your accomplishments deserve respect.

“You’re just looking for a quick fix”

January 30, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

If you use medication to make your life easier or better in any way, some people might object, and say “you’re just looking for a quick fix!”.

This is a mean and unhelpful thing to say.

Medication isn’t the right answer for everyone who has cognitive or mental health problems or pain or other reasons people take medication, but it can be game changing for some people. If you try medication and find that it makes your life easier, that’s a good thing, and it’s ok to be happy about it.

It’s ok to want your life to be easier. It’s ok if it turns out that there’s something that works quickly that makes things better. Using an effective strategy to make your life better isn’t being lazy; it’s being efficient.

Abuse doesn’t always go in cycles

January 28, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This post contains graphic descriptions of emotional abuse and mentions physical abuse. Proceed with caution.

Often people describe abuse as occurring primarily in cycles (including specifically with the pronouns this way):

He is effusively loving
Then, he resents her being a separate person from him
Tension builds up
He explodes and hits her
Then he’s all ~remorseful~ and swears he’ll never do it again
Then he is effusively loving again
and the cycle continues

That’s definitely a real thing. But it’s not the only pattern (and even when it is, it happens in gender configurations other than male abusers and female victims, and it’s not always between romantic partners.) There are many, many patterns of abuse and they’re not all discussed very much.

Here’s another pattern (not the only other pattern):

The abusive person will be demeaning and effusively loving at the same time
They will do something degrading and something genuinely positive simultaneously
There won’t be a discernible cyclical pattern because both parts happen at the same time
This can be very, very disorienting to the victim, who might be tricked into seeing their abuser as loving, considerate, and insightful, and themself as not living up to their abuser’s love

eg:

Daniel: I love you so much. I brought you your favorite flowers. Not everyone would be so understanding of your irrational need for flowers.
Daniel hugs Debra
Debra hugs back
Debra feels awful about herself, and feels good about Daniel

or:

Susan: Hey, the fair’s in town. Let’s go!
Susan: I made you a jacket to wear.
Bill: That’s beautiful! Thank you!
They drive to the fair, and it’s warm out, so Bill decides to leave the jacket in the car
Susan: Where’s your jacket? Don’t you know that it hurts my feelings when you reject my gifts? I just wanted to have a nice time with you.
Susan: I guess it’s not your fault. I know you’ve never been in a successful relationship before. We all have stuff to work on.
Bill then tearfully apologizes and promises to work on it.

Short version: If someone is hurting you and it doesn’t seem to be happening in cycles, you are not alone. Abuse doesn’t always happen in a cycle of overt abuse and effusive love. Sometimes abuse is more mixed and constant. Scroll up for one example of a different pattern.

Practicing awkward questions

January 27, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

When you enter certain situations, it’s likely that you will be asked awkward, painful, or intrusive questions. It’s sometimes worth preparing yourself ahead of time to deal with those questions so they have less power to derail you in the moment.

Some examples of situations in which this kind of preparation might be helpful:

Interviewing for a job in which you’re uncertain of your qualifications
Interviewing for a job when you expect to be perceived as incapable because of your age, disability, race, gender, etc
Presenting on a topic related to justice, particularly if people are likely to try to get you to ~tell your story~ instead of talking about the issue
Pitching a business idea for a new type of product
Coming out
(any number of other things)

It’s worth preparing because:

There are two problems you’re facing:
One is that it might feel horrible to be asked certain questions
The other problem is that answers to your questions will be used in a way that hurts you
It can be tempting to avoid thinking about these questions, because it hurts to anticipate them
But that can actually make the questions hurt more, and it can make it harder to protect yourself from the practical consequences of answering the questions
If you can make the thought of answering (or deflecting) the questions bearable, then they have a lot less power to hurt you, and you have a lot more power to choose how to respond

One way to prepare is to do a practice run with a friend, where they ask you the questions you’re afraid that you will be asked.

One really good way to make the questions bearable is to have someone you trust ask you the questions you’re afraid of being asked
That can allow you to practice hearing the question and finding it bearable, and still being ok
It can also allow you to practice finding answers, and experimenting with which ones seem most effective.
If you’ve had some experience hearing those questions, answering them, and still being ok, it can make it a lot easier to answer them when the answers are immediately important

Writing down your thoughts can also help:

It might help to make a list of questions you’re afraid of being asked
And thinking through what kind of response you might want to make
Any way you can think about it ahead of time is likely to be helpful
(That said, be careful about scripting too much if you can avoid it. Words that you generate at least somewhat in the moment are often received better than memorized scripts.)

Short version: If you’re likely to be asked difficult questions, it’s worth practicing answering them. Two things that work well are having a trusted friend ask you those questions, and writing down thoughts.

You are allowed to think for yourself

January 22, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

People pointing out problems with things are not always correct.

Sometimes they’re right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The fact that someone is yelling at you, using social justice terms, and calling it a call out, does not in itself mean you have done something wrong. It just means that someone is angry at you, for reasons that may well be justified, and may well be completely off base, and may well be partly right and partly wrong.

Sometimes people calling you out are right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The only way to figure out what’s true is by thinking about it. There’s no algorithm you can use to mechanically figure out who is right. You have to think for yourself, and consider using your own thoughts whether you think the things someone is telling you are true or not.

Electricity is an access issue (short version)

January 15, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A lot of people with disabilities need reliable access to electricity. If you don’t make electricity continuously available at your event, your event is not accessible.

Some people need electricity in order to breathe. Some people need electricity to be able to move across a room. Some people need electricity for life sustaining medical treatments. Some people need electricity to communicate.

All of these people, and anyone else with an access need for electricity, should be welcome at your event. They can be, if you make proper plans and make sure that electricity will be reliably available.

(For further details, see this post.)

Electricity is an accessibility issue

January 13, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

When you’re planning an event, conference, venue, retreat center, house of worship, community center, or similar, it’s important to keep in mind that many people need reliable access to electricity in order to be able to participate. A choice to build or use a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with disabilities.

Access to electricity is always important, but it’s especially important for overnight events or multi-day conferences. Many people with disabilities absolutely depend on electricity to be able to participate in events.

Here are some people you’re excluding if you choose or build a venue without reliable electricity:

People who use electric wheelchairs or mobility scooters:

Power chairs do not have infinite battery power
They have large batteries that have to be charged overnight
Charging them takes a lot of power
Minimalist electricity isn’t enough. Having a generator available for a few hours in the evening will not make a conference without electricity accessible to people who need to charge large batteries
If people can’t charge their chairs at your event, then you’re excluding power chair users.

High-tech AAC (alternative and augmentative communication) users:

Not everyone can talk.
Some people who can talk can’t reliably use speech to communicate
Many people use high-tech speech-generating devices to communicate
(For example, some people use apps such as Speak For Yourself on an iPad, or a dedicated device such as a DynaVox)
High-tech AAC devices only work if they are charged
The batteries aren’t infinite. Devices need to be charged overnight and some may also need to be charged during the day.
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need to keep their communication devices charged can’t participate
A choice to hold an event in a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with communication disabilities who use speech generating devices to communicate

People who use ventilators and other breathing equipment:

Everyone needs to breathe
Not everyone can breathe adequately on their own
Some people need ventilators, bipaps, or other breathing equipment
People who use breathing equipment also do things besides sit at home and breathe, like go to conferences or other events you might be planning
People need to breathe while they do things like go to your event, which means they probably need to be able to plug in their machines
Machines can run off of batteries, but no battery has infinite power. Reliable access to electricity is important. No one should have to worry about where their next breath is coming from because they can’t find an electrical outlet.
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need machines to breathe can’t safely participate in your events
If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities who need breathing support

People who need powered medical equipment:

Some people with chronic conditions need to do regular nebulizer treatments in order to keep their lungs functioning
Some people who eat through feeding tubes need powered infusion pumps to eat safely
Some people need to sleep with a CPAP in order to breathe at night
Some people use powered dialysis systems at night
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need powered medical equipment can’t safely participate.
If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities or chronic conditions who rely on powered medical equipment

Medication:

Some people rely on medication that needs to be refrigerated.
If you hold a conference in a venue with no electricity and no refrigeration, they can’t safely participate.
A choice to hold an event in a venue without electricity is a choice to exclude people who need medication which must be refrigerated.

Some specific considerations in making sure electricity is available:

There need to be available outlets in people’s rooms and in the public areas where events are happening
Make sure the outlets are available and in good working order
(A broken outlet will not charge someone’s wheelchair)
Neither will a two-prong outlet. Make sure three-prong outlets are available.
If the available outlets aren’t at the tables (or whatever other space) you’re using, make sure you have a three-prong extension cord that reaches them
An outlet on the other side of the room is better than nothing, but it’s still a barrier to full participation. Extension cords can often solve that problem.
(In any case, a long, three-pronged extension cord is a good thing to keep in your supply kit for events; there are a lot of situations in which they are useful)
If you can, arrange the room so that the outlets are near the tables you’ll be using (this is also helpful to people who need to charge computers and phones).

Short version: Electricity is an accessibility issue. Having an event (and especially a conference) in a venue without reliable electricity excludes people with disabilities whose adaptive equipment requires electrical power.

People with disabilities are not professional development objects

January 7, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people, often disability professionals, interact with disabled folks in creepy ways.

Here’s one way this plays out:

Person with a disability: I am going to bake a fancy cake. I am going to the fancy cake store to get ingredients. I hope they have the sugared roses in.
Disability professional who happens to be in the store: Oh wow, a real live disabled person with the exciting disability widget I’ve been reading about in the Journal of Professional Development In Supporting Widget Use!
Disability professional: Hey, you have an Exciting Widget. What kind of widget is it? Is it model 8A series 27? Do you have widget syndrome? I’ve heard that the New Widget is particularly good for people with widget syndrome. Has that been your experience?
Person with a disability: …

Other things of this nature:

“It’s so nice to see that you’re choosing to use the Exciting Widget and be independent.“
“Have you ever considered getting a dog instead of using the Exciting Widget?”
“Do you find that the Exciting Widget allows you to use a wider range of toilets?“
“Are you allowed to use the Exciting Widget at work?”
“Did you find the rehab difficult? I know it’s been hard for some of my clients.”

In effect, the disability professional is thinking something like this:

Being really fascinated with disability
Assuming that all people with disabilities are just as fascinated as they are, and:
That they are endlessly interested in talking about disability and equipment and therapy
Or that they’re living classroom models
And then treating them as though being visibly disabled in public constitutes permission to ask invasive personal questions and initiate detailed conversation about disability

It’s not ok because:

Decisions about adaptive equipment and mobility are intensely personal and private
It’s not ok to ask random strangers intimate questions about their bodies
Being disabled in public just means that someone is living their life
Being visibly disabled in public doesn’t mean someone is endlessly fascinated with disability, or that they’re remotely interested in discussing disability and equipment and therapy with you.
The world is not your classroom. It’s the world, and the people in it have agendas of their own. It’s not ok to treat them as objects for your professional development
People with disabilities should be able to live their lives without being asked inappropriately intimate questions by strangers

Some concrete examples:

People with disabilities are just living their lives. A person with a disability doesn’t owe it to anyone, including professionals, to participate in their disability fandom.

For instance:

Wheelchair users are using wheelchairs to get around. Their wheelchairs are not an invitation for you to participate in the wheelchair fandom and discuss wheelchairs, disability, treatments, or your professional development with them.
Blind people are not an opportunity to participate in the cane fandom, the O&M fandom, or to discuss your opinions about the relative merits of canes and dogs
All of those things require consent, and being disabled in public does not constitute consent.

And particularly if you are a professional:

It’s important to keep in mind that being a disability professional is a choice, and having a disability isn’t
And for professionals, equipment conversations are a form of talking shop; for most people with disabilities they are intimate and personal.
People with disabilities are not necessarily interested in using their personal lives as fodder for your shop talk
If you see someone with a disability in a public place, all you know is that they have a disability. That doesn’t imply anything about their interests or their willingness to answer invasive personal questions.
And more generally: as a professional, you have a responsibility to be rigorously ethical in the way you interact with people with disabilities
If you’re being invasive and asking inappropriately intimate questions of random disabled strangers in public, you’re probably doing a lot of even more inappropriate things with clients
People with disabilities who depend on you for services might not be in a good position to assert boundaries; it is your responsibility to avoid putting them in that position and rigorously respect boundaries on your own initiative
You can’t simply rely on your professional culture to teach you appropriate boundaries; there are too many professionals who don’t have this skill.
You have to actively seek out boundaries education on your own initiative
One professional who is really good at this is Dave Hingsburger. He wrote a good introduction called Power Tools. It explains a lot of practical things about power, disability, and boundaries in practical concrete ways.

Short version: People with disabilities are not education objects. Don’t ask people with disabilities invasive personal questions about their bodies or adaptive equipment choices. If you’re a disability professional who does this, it’s important to stop doing that and to learn more about boundaries.

When joking teasing is a trigger

January 3, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Having grown up with abuse, and having been in an abusive relationship after that, I have a lot of trouble dealing with “normal” teasing. I was used to being accused of all kinds of terrible things out of the blue. So if, for example, I accidentally take something that belongs to someone else, and they say, “Haha, you just wanted it for yourself!” I want to cry and beg forgiveness. I’m terrified and I can’t laugh. I feel I can’t ask people not to tease me, but I don’t know how to deal with it.

realsocialskills said:

It’s ok to be bothered by this, and it’s ok to tell your friends not to tease you.

Playful teasing is only friendly if everyone likes it. A lot of people don’t like it, and a lot of people don’t do it. It’s entirely possible to be friends without insulting or teasing one another. If someone teases someone who they know hates it, that’s not a joke anymore, it’s just being mean. It’s not ok to be mean to other people for fun.

It’s ok to say “I don’t like jokes like that; please don’t say things like that to me.” You don’t have to explain in order for it to be ok to tell people to stop teasing you. Continuing to do stuff like that is already a jerk move, even if people don’t know your history. Not liking it is a good enough reason.

It’s also ok if you do want to disclose (and for some people, it might make it more likely that they’ll take it seriously and realize how important it is not to make jokes like that with you). But you don’t have to disclose in order for it to be legitimate to insist that people stop. If you do want to disclose, it’s usually better if it’s not in the heat of the moment, but when you’re relatively calm.

Most people don’t want to say intentionally hurtful things to their friends. Some people realize that some people find playful teasing hurtful, and will readily stop if you tell them you don’t like it. Some people don’t understand that some people don’t like it, and will probably have to be reminded several times before they take it seriously. Some people are mean and will keep saying things like that to you even after you say to stop, and some people might even start saying them more because they think it’s funny that it bothers you. Part of the solution to this might be to make sure you’re hanging out with people who care about treating you well, as much as possible. Having friends who are kind makes life a lot better on a number of levels.

A possible script for disclosing:

“Hey, I know you weren’t intending it but playful teasing and joke insults really scare me. Too many people in my life have accused me of ludicrous things in order to hurt me, so I have trouble telling when it’s a joke and I tend to freak out. Can you please not say things like that to me?”

Another possibility: finding ways to tell whether they mean it or not:

Think about the person you’re with, and what’s likely to be their intention:

How well do you know the person you’re with?
Have you seen them joke insult people before?
Have you seen them actually aggressively accuse people of ludicrous things out of the blue?
If you’ve seen them tease people in a way intended to be friendly and haven’t seen them make horrible baseless accusations out of the blue, they’re probably not trying to hurt you
That doesn’t make it ok, and it doesn’t mean you’re wrong to object
But it does mean that they’re probably not trying to hurt you, and you’re probably not in any danger

Look at body language:

This isn’t possible for some people who get scared in this situation, but it can work for some people
Look at their face: Does it have an angry expression, or do they look happy?
Look at their hands: Are they held in a way that looks angry or violent, or do they look like they’re just socializing?
Think about their tone of voice: Did they sound mad? Was their voice raised? Or are they talking in a tone that seems more friendly?
(Many people have a specific tone of voice that they only use for teasing or joke insults)
Are they looking at you in a way that’s demanding an answer?
If their body language and tone of voice doesn’t seem aggressive, they probably didn’t mean the words they said aggressively either.

Check how other people are reacting:

Do other people seem to notice the offense you’ve supposedly committed, or are they continuing the conversation they were already having?
Does anyone look mad, or do they just look like people socializing?
Have other people in the group stopped what they’re doing to look at you, or are they continuing as they were?
If other people in the group don’t look mad, or don’t look much interested, the teasing was probably meant as a joke rather than a serious insult or accusation

Another possibility: using a standard script to create some distance:

It can help to immediately change the subject when someone says something like that
If they were just joking around, they will likely be receptive to the subject change
Changing the subject can show you that you are safe and not under attack
It can be hard to find words in the moment to change the subject
It might help to memorize some subject-changing scripts and use standard ones every time this happens
Then you won’t have to think of something to say in the moment while you are freaking out
Which scripts are most effective will depend on you and your group
(This post on deflecting fight-pickers has a lot of subject-change scripts.)
You can also change the subject back to what people were talking about before
Eg: “So, you were saying about the cats we’re all here to talk about? What do you think about the fluffy ones? I see your point about their hair getting matted easily, but they’re so pretty and soft.”

Another possibility: asking what they meant:

Sometimes you can defuse fear by asking people whether they mean it
ie: “Do you really think I was just trying to take it for myself?”
This can be awkward, but it can also be effective
Whether or not it’s a good idea depends on your friend groups
Some people might get offended and sarcastically say yes, of course they think that.
If you can’t read sarcasm when you’re scared, this might backfire
But when it works, it can work really well

It would probably also be a good idea to work on having perspective when other people are angry at you. Your friends and people close to you will be angry at you sometimes. That doesn’t always mean that you’re in danger or that they are going to hurt you. It also doesn’t always mean that you have done something wrong. Finding anger more bearable will help you in a lot of aspects of your life, including when people tease you. If anger is less terrifying, teasing will also be less terrifying.

Short version: Teasing is only friendly if everyone likes it. Doing it to people who don’t like it is mean. It’s ok not to want to be teased or insulted, even as a joke. It’s ok to ask people to stop. Some people will take that request seriously and some won’t. (Everyone should, but not everyone does). If teasing scares you because you have trouble telling the difference between real insults and joke insults, there are things you can learn to look for that make it easier to tell the difference. It also helps to learn how to keep perspective in the face of other people’s anger. Scroll up for some more concrete information.