Uncategorized – Page 20 – Real Social Skills

Red flags vs fear of new things

November 21, 2014June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

I don’t know a solution to this, but this is a problem I think it’s worth discussing: It can be hard to identify red flags when you have a general fear of change and trying new things.

For some of us, anticipating change always or usually feels bad, regardless of whether there’s anything actually wrong. For instance, I hate all new TV shows until I’ve watched them with someone else at least three times. To use more weighty examples: for a lot of people, moving to a new apartment, taking a new job, starting school, getting close to another person, exploring a new hobby, eating new foods, or anything that involves change, will at first invoke an unreasonable sense of dread whether or not anything is actually wrong.

For most people who have routine fear of new things, it can sometimes be important to override that dread and do some new things anyway. Because sometimes change is necessary, or an improvement. But overriding and ignoring dread all the time causes a serious problem.

The problem is – sometimes the feelings of dread are because you’re noticing red flags. Sometimes the problem isn’t that you’re generally averse to change; sometimes the problem is that you’re noticing something that’s actually wrong.

I’m not sure what the solution is. Most people get told that the best way to avoid walking into trouble is to always trust your gut. That’s not necessarily viable for people whose guts tend to dread all change. Trusting all of those instincts would mean never trying anything new, and also never walking away from bad situations (since that would have to involve change). But disregarding your gut all the time doesn’t work well either, because sometimes it’s the only thing alerting you to trouble.

I think the best approach might be: listen to your gut, but don’t necessarily obey it. I think it’s a good idea to think, in as concrete terms as possible, what your gut feeling might be about. Some examples of questions that some people find helpful in that regard (not exhaustive, and not all the questions on this list are helpful for everyone with this problem):

Is the dread you are feeling the same way you always feel when you’re doing something new, or does this feel different?
(If it feels like a different feeling, it’s very likely something you should be taking seriously)
Are you afraid of a particular person?
Do you know why you’re afraid of them? Is it that they’re unfamiliar, or something in particular about them?
Are you afraid of a particular risk?
Does something seem physically unsafe?
Are there other available options that would be safer?
Do people seem to be treating you respectfully?
Is someone being mean to you, or to other people, in a way that’s making the new thing seem inadvisable?
Are people assuming that you can do things that you can’t?
Is anyone treating you like a child?
Is someone taking your private decisions weirdly personally?
Are you being pressured into spending money you can’t afford to spend?

I don’t think that there is a general answer to this. I think that deciding whether to go with your gut feeling, or whether to assume that you’re just fearing change, is something that you have to decide on a case by case basis. Either option involves risks; it’s ok to decide which risk you’d rather take in a certain situation. Sometimes that will mean you do the new thing (and risk ignoring a red flag); sometimes it will mean you don’t do the new thing (and risk avoiding a necessary or beneficial change for irrational reasons). Sometimes that will mean doing the new thing, but cautiously. Sometimes that will mean modifying the new thing. All are legitimate approaches; you’re the only one who can decide.

It’s ok to decide that something real is going on and that you’re not going to do the thing (even though it’s possible that you’re afraid for no good reason). It’s ok to decide that you’re going to risk doing the thing (even though it’s possible that you’re ignoring a red flag.) Both have risks. There’s no generalized answer to every situation; it’s a decision you have to make for each situation.

Short version: If you’re generally averse to change, it can be really hard to tell whether your apprehension about a new situation is irrational fear of change, or a red flag you’re picking up on. It can help to evaluate in concrete terms what you think you might be noticing.

Dwarfism awareness – thoughts on doing right by adult little people

November 14, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

I wrote this post for Dwarfism Awareness Month (which was in October) in collaboration with a friend who is a little person. It wasn’t ready until now, so I am posting it now.

Here are some things worth knowing:

Adult little people are adults, but people often treat them like children. You might be doing this too, and it’s important to get over that. Many people strongly associate being a certain size with being a young child. It’s important to be aware that not everyone that size is actually a child, and to act to mitigate any reactions you might be having that lead you to see an adult little person as a young child.

For instance, at work:

If you’re in a professional setting and someone is wearing professional clothing and acting like a professional adult, they’re not ten years old.
If you keep viscerally responding as though they are a child, it’s important to realize that it’s not ok and get over it. Don’t express that reaction, and don’t try to justify it.
Treat them as an adult
Respect their professional competence
If they are above you in the hierarchy, do not treat them as junior
If they are at your level in the hierarchy, do not treat them as junior
If they are actually junior, do not treat them like a visiting child or a teenager getting work experience. Respect them as an adult professional.

Another example: bars:

If you are in a bar, and someone is wearing adult clothing, acting like an adult, and drinking beer, they are not ten years old
They are an adult drinking beer in a bar
This is not a problem. This is something that many adults choose to do.
Do not look around for a caregiver. Adults do not have to bring minders to bars.
Do not ask them if they are ok unless you have an actual reason to think they might not be. Being a little person in a bar is not cause for concern in itself
If they are flirting with someone, this is not cause for concern either
Many adults flirt with people in bars. This is a thing that people do.
(Also, do not make jokes about tossing them, ask to toss them, or in any other way treat them as a toy. Adults have the right to drink beer in bars without being treated as a novelty attraction.)

And when you’re setting up an environment, remember that some adults are less than 4’10” and some are much shorter than that. Adult little people need access to anything that other adults need access to.

More specifically:

Adult little people need to be able to get through doors:

If you use a latch high on the door to prevent children from entering or exiting, you’re also making it impossible for adults of the same height to enter or exist
Latches need to be in places that adult little people can reach
Adults with disabilities should not be locked in like little children
If for some reason this kind of safety system is unavoidable, there needs to be an alternative way in and out that is reliably available
And you need to make it clear what that is

Keep this in mind when you put things on shelves:

If you’re putting things on shelves that a four foot tall person could not reach, you need an alternative way of reaching the thing
Or to put the thing in a lower place.
Keep in mind that if you put something on a high shelf in order to prevent children from reaching it, you’re also preventing adult little people from reaching it
Consider alternatives such as using child locks or supervising children more closely
(Or reconsidering whether the thing actually needs to be restricted. Eg: It might not actually be so terrible if your 7 year old students can reach the copier paper. You might not actually need an adults-only candy jar (and if you do, it’s not so nice to keep it where kids can see it anyway.))
If putting things on high shelves for safety reasons is truly unavoidable, make sure that there is an alternative way for adult little people to access them *and that you make it known what that way is*.

More generally:

Do not simplify your language the way you might when talking to a young child.
Do not assume that an adult little person is unemployed or only employed in a sheltered workshop or in jobs that can be done by children and teenagers.
Do treat adult little people as the age they actually are. (Eg: if they are elderly, don’t treat them as though they’re 20).
Do not ask invasive medical questions.

Short version: Adult little people are adults. Since many of them are the same height as young children, a lot of people treat them like children. Don’t do that. Also, make sure that you’re configuring things so that short adults can do the things that adults need to do.

Preparing for a college interview

November 10, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Any advice for college interviews?

I have one coming up and I always get tongue-tied and I generally don’t do well at them at all, but this is a really big deal and I don’t want to mess it up…

realsocialskills said:

The best way I know of to prepare for any type of interview is to get someone else to do a practice interview with you before you do the real interview.

In a practice interview, someone asks you a whole bunch of questions that might come up, and you practice interviewing them. Once you have practiced, it can be a lot easier to answer interview questions for real.

If you’re in school, you might be able to get a teacher or guidance counselor to do a practice interview with you as you’re applying for college. A lot of adults in that role do that kind of thing regularly. Many adults in schools or teen programs really want to help their students get into school, and most people who want to help are likely to understand why practice interviews are a good idea. (If you’re currently in therapy and your therapist is someone you somewhat trust, you might also be able to convince your therapist to help you practice.)

If you don’t have a teacher or someone like that to help you practice, it can be helpful to practice with a friend. (And you might also be able to help them practice for their interview). While it’s particularly helpful to practice with someone who has good knowledge of how college admissions work, practicing with someone who doesn’t can also be very helpful.

It’s especially helpful if they ask you the questions you’re afraid of hearing. Because if a question you’re afraid of comes up in the real interview, it’s a lot harder to figure out an answer on the fly than if you’ve practiced. It can help to tell the person practicing with you what questions you’re worried about.

Some questions that some people might be worried about:

Are you worried that they’ll ask about your activities, and that you might not be able to say anything that sounds impressive
Are you unsure about what you want to study and afraid that will make you look bad?
Are you worried they’ll ask disability-related questions?

Whether or not the questions you’re nervous about come up in your real interview, it will help to have practiced them. If you feel confident about your ability to answer possibly-difficult questions, you’ll feel a lot more comfortable during the rest of the interview and it will be easier to focus on communicating.

Some questions that are very likely to come up in most college interviews:

“Why do you want to attend this college?”

Any answer that reflects positively on the school will work for this
Eg: “It’s academically rigorous”
“Some of the most interesting people I’ve met have gone to this school”
“I’ve heard really good things about the archeology department”
“The first year classics curriculum seems like an excellent foundation for further learning”
It’s also ok if the reason is partly personal, so long as it also says something specifically positive about the school, eg
“I’m looking to study pre-law and stay close to home so that I can be there for family. I like that this college has a large percentage of non-traditional students so that I will have a peer group even though I won’t be able to live on campus.”
Don’t say something that would reflect negatively on the school like “I’ve heard that everyone passes” or “I’ve heard it’s a great party schools,“ or “I just don’t want to work that hard.”

“What do you want to study?”

The answer to this question should show that you have interests, and that you like learning things
It’s ok not to know what you want to study; a lot of entering college students in the US do not.
If you’re not sure what you want to study, your answer to this should still indicate that you’ve thought about it and that you care about something, eg:
“I’m not sure yet, but I’m considering either history or political science or economics.”
“I want to learn a broad range of things before I decide for sure, but I really enjoy math.”
If you do know what you want to study, say so, and say something about what interests you about the subject (it does not need to be original, so long as it’s reasonably sincere), eg:
“I’m interested in the history of conflict. I want to try and figure out why people fight wars and how we can make peace.”
“I’m interested in studying biology so that I can eventually do medical research.”

“Do you have any questions for us?”

This question is likely pretty much any time that you’re interviewed for anything
It’s helpful to have a question in mind to ask them; it will show that you care about the school and aren’t just generically applying
The question should be something that you can’t easily google or get from their website, and it should show that you know something about the school
Eg: “I saw on the website that a lot of undergraduates do research. What’s the process like for finding a research adviser?”
(Don’t ask about possible exceptions to policies. That’s a conversation to have after you’re accepted, especially if it’s disability-related.)

Short version: If you’re interviewing for college (or anything really), it’s very helpful to do a practice interview. There is likely a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach at your school who would be willing to give you a practice interview. Having a peer do one can also work. Whoever does it, it is most effective when they ask you the questions that you’re afraid or nervous about being asked in the real interview.

Your feelings aren’t your crush’s or squish’s obligation

November 9, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

So this is a common trope in movies and TV shows:

A (usually male) character has a crush on a (usually female) character
She’s not interested and makes this clear
He devotes massive amounts of time and energy to figuring out out to communicate the depth of his feelings to her
This is shown as sympathetic
With the implication that if she just ~understood~ how he feels, then she’d realize that she should be with him
Sometimes this eventually works

This trope is really creepy, and not something you should do in real life, because:

Someone can understand your feelings about them perfectly clearly and still not be interested in dating you (or in other forms of emotional intimacy)
Feelings are not automatically reciprocated
If someone says they’re not interested, that is a decision they get to make. It’s not ok to pressure them to change their mind
Grand romantic gestures are only good if they’re welcome. If you’re repeatedly invading someones boundaries and disregarding their consent, that’s not romance, that’s stalking

A couple of examples:

Fry and Leela in Futurma
John and Liz in Garfield

Or, in other words:

If she* said no, it doesn’t mean you need to find a perfect new way of expressing just how you feel about her.
She probably knows.
That doesn’t mean she has to reciprocate. Her feelings matter, and they don’t have to match yours.
She can understand perfectly well that you want her, and still be uninterested.
You can’t just rub your feelings on her and hope they stick.
(*Likewise with other gender configurations. The target of this kind of thing is almost always female in the media, and more often than not in real life. But people of all genders do this to people of all genders, and it’s never ok. Stalking and romantic coercion don’t become ok when they’re done in ways that subvert gender stereotypes)
(This is also the case for forms of non-romantic intimacy. Your desire to be someone’s best friend is not their obligation.)

Short version: If someone says no to dating you, or to other forms of emotional intimacy, it’s important that you take no for an answer. Trying over and over to ~explain how you feel about them~ will not magically cause them to reciprocate. They can know perfectly well how you feel, and still not feel the same way. Stalking, harassment and other forms of attempts to coerce intimacy don’t become ok when you have strong feelings.

This Halloween, don’t be a jerk

October 28, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

On Halloween, some people end up being really mean to other people, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes on purpose.

Some considerations for avoiding being a jerk:

Not everyone likes to be startled or scared:

Scaring people is a major part of Halloween tradition, and it’s ok to like it
But it’s also ok not to like it
And it’s wrong to scare or startle people who don’t like to be scared
Being scared when you don’t want to be is really, really unpleasant
It can also be physically or psychologically dangerous for a lot of people.
If you know someone doesn’t like to be scared, don’t scare them
If you don’t know whether someone likes to be scared, don’t scare them
If you think someone likes to be scared and it turns out they don’t, apologize and don’t do it again
If scaring people is really really important to you, consider working or volunteering at a haunted house, or making your own haunted house.
Scaring is ok, but it needs to be consensual

Don’t wreck people’s stuff:

Some people like to smash jack-o-lanterns or other decorations, sometimes at the end of the night
This is a mean thing to do, especially because some people, particularly children, get really emotionally attached to their decorations
(Especially if they have put a lot of work into creating them)
Some people might try to convince you that it’s just the done thing and that it doesn’t really upset anyone, but they’re wrong
Breaking people’s stuff is mean
If you want to smash pumpkins, get your own pumpkins to smash

Don’t be a jerk to people who don’t participate in trick or treating:

Most adults who live in areas in which kids trick or treat are happy to participate
It’s a good thing to do, but it’s not something anyone is obligated to do
Some adults don’t participate, and that’s ok
They might not be able to afford to buy candy
They might not be able to get up so much or tolerate constant interaction/doorbell ringing.
Halloween might be against their religion
They might not want to participate for any number of other reasons
That’s a legitimate choice, no matter why they don’t do it
Some people punish people who don’t participate by egging or tping their house, or banging out the door over and over.
Those are really mean things to do. Don’t do it.
Trick or treating requires consent, and it’s not ok to be mean to people who don’t participate

Just, generally speaking – if something would normally be mean, it’s mean on Halloween. If something would normally require consent, it requires consent on Halloween. Don’t be a jerk.

Things to do on Halloween besides parties

October 25, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m in college and too old to trick-or-treat, but I’m autistic and even if I went to a party I’d be miserable. Since I moved out, I live in a building where I won’t get trick-or-treaters. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do for Halloween this year, do you have any advice?

realsocialskills said:

There are several things you can do on/for Halloween that don’t involve parties or trick or treating. I don’t know what kind of stuff you like, so here are some things:

Pumpkin carving:

You can carve pumpkins (most grocery stores in the US sell pumpkins suitable for jack-o-lanterns this time of year)
You can use them as decorations, even if there are no trick-or-treaters
You can also enter a pumpkin carving contest
(There may be some that adults are allowed to enter in your area; there are also some that take place online such as this one.)

Fandom:

You can read Halloween fanfic. AO3 has a Halloween tag.
You can also write Halloween-related fic or make art.
That can be a good way to be part of a community doing Halloween (and can be fun even if it’s not a community thing for you)

Arts and crafts:

If you like to make things, you might make some Halloween things
Craft stores have a lot of Halloween-related supplies, projects, and suggestions this time of year
If you want some ideas, browsing a craft store might help
You can also just make orange things, or orange and black things
Or things involving ghosts or black cats
You can also post pictures of what you make on Tumblr/Pintrest/other places

Sensory activities:

If you google “sensory activities” or “sensory play”, you get a lot of instructions for making fun things to stim with
Most of them are created by parents or therapists for kids
There are a *lot* of holiday-themed sensory activities/play
Here is a page with some Halloween suggestions

Food:

If you like to cook, there are a lot of Halloween recipes. Here’s the allrecipes.com Halloween page.
You can also make pumpkin pie (or other pumpkin things)
If you don’t want to or can’t cook, stores have a lot of Halloween-themed food
You can get Halloween candy, or cookies, or cakes, or any number of other things.

Watching movies or TV shows:

A lot of shows have Halloween episodes
One classic Halloween episode is “It’s the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
Halloween episodes aside, some people enjoy watching horror movies on Halloween.
There are also some Halloween movies that aren’t horror movies. One excellent one is The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Reading scary/ghost stories:

Some people like to read scary stories or ghost stories on Halloween
If you like that sort of thing, Project Gutenberg has a ton of stories by Edgar Allen Poe, almost all of which are scary or creepy.
(There are also non-scary ghost stories, but I don’t know where to find them offhand).

Hosting a gathering that you’d enjoy:

Even if you don’t like parties, you still might like to be around a few other people.
Maybe having dinner together
Or baking cookies together
Or watching a movie