Real Social Skills

Negotiating accommodations without a diagnosis

November 11, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

How do you ask for accomendations when you don’t have a go-to reason to explain why you need it? I don’t know if I’m disabled (I find info about disablities completely inaccessible to me, though i’ve wondered from seeing people talk about things i’ve also experienced) but I do know I can’t learn in certain ways, or process information that’s presented in certain ways, and that I’m prone to sensory overload. people act like i’m being overdemanding when I bring it up. am i? if not, what do I do?

realsocialskills said:

I’ve been there, a lot. I was only diagnosed after college, even though I’ve always been disabled. I was just as impaired before diagnosis; being without a label didn’t magically create abilities. So I’ve spent a lot of time negotiating accommodations informally.

I’ve found that what works best is to give a very simple version of the problem, and to ask for something specific. This can make accommodating you seem like a straightforward thing to do.

For instance: “This is hard for me to read. Is there an electronic copy?” works much better than “I’m autistic and I have visual tracking issues and executive dysfunction and I need a different format.“

Or: “Noisy College Hall is big and crowded. I never understand anything there. Can we have class in the usual room instead of moving?”

Or: “I don’t understand the assignment when it’s said verbally. Can you email me the details?”

Short version: You don’t have to go into great diagnostic detail when you’re negotiating with a teacher directly. You can start by describing the problem and a solution you think would work. This doesn’t always work, but it’s the most effective approach I know of for this situation.

Preparing for a college interview

November 10, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Any advice for college interviews?

I have one coming up and I always get tongue-tied and I generally don’t do well at them at all, but this is a really big deal and I don’t want to mess it up…

realsocialskills said:

The best way I know of to prepare for any type of interview is to get someone else to do a practice interview with you before you do the real interview.

In a practice interview, someone asks you a whole bunch of questions that might come up, and you practice interviewing them. Once you have practiced, it can be a lot easier to answer interview questions for real.

If you’re in school, you might be able to get a teacher or guidance counselor to do a practice interview with you as you’re applying for college. A lot of adults in that role do that kind of thing regularly. Many adults in schools or teen programs really want to help their students get into school, and most people who want to help are likely to understand why practice interviews are a good idea. (If you’re currently in therapy and your therapist is someone you somewhat trust, you might also be able to convince your therapist to help you practice.)

If you don’t have a teacher or someone like that to help you practice, it can be helpful to practice with a friend. (And you might also be able to help them practice for their interview). While it’s particularly helpful to practice with someone who has good knowledge of how college admissions work, practicing with someone who doesn’t can also be very helpful.

It’s especially helpful if they ask you the questions you’re afraid of hearing. Because if a question you’re afraid of comes up in the real interview, it’s a lot harder to figure out an answer on the fly than if you’ve practiced. It can help to tell the person practicing with you what questions you’re worried about.

Some questions that some people might be worried about:

Are you worried that they’ll ask about your activities, and that you might not be able to say anything that sounds impressive
Are you unsure about what you want to study and afraid that will make you look bad?
Are you worried they’ll ask disability-related questions?

Whether or not the questions you’re nervous about come up in your real interview, it will help to have practiced them. If you feel confident about your ability to answer possibly-difficult questions, you’ll feel a lot more comfortable during the rest of the interview and it will be easier to focus on communicating.

Some questions that are very likely to come up in most college interviews:

“Why do you want to attend this college?”

Any answer that reflects positively on the school will work for this
Eg: “It’s academically rigorous”
“Some of the most interesting people I’ve met have gone to this school”
“I’ve heard really good things about the archeology department”
“The first year classics curriculum seems like an excellent foundation for further learning”
It’s also ok if the reason is partly personal, so long as it also says something specifically positive about the school, eg
“I’m looking to study pre-law and stay close to home so that I can be there for family. I like that this college has a large percentage of non-traditional students so that I will have a peer group even though I won’t be able to live on campus.”
Don’t say something that would reflect negatively on the school like “I’ve heard that everyone passes” or “I’ve heard it’s a great party schools,“ or “I just don’t want to work that hard.”

“What do you want to study?”

The answer to this question should show that you have interests, and that you like learning things
It’s ok not to know what you want to study; a lot of entering college students in the US do not.
If you’re not sure what you want to study, your answer to this should still indicate that you’ve thought about it and that you care about something, eg:
“I’m not sure yet, but I’m considering either history or political science or economics.”
“I want to learn a broad range of things before I decide for sure, but I really enjoy math.”
If you do know what you want to study, say so, and say something about what interests you about the subject (it does not need to be original, so long as it’s reasonably sincere), eg:
“I’m interested in the history of conflict. I want to try and figure out why people fight wars and how we can make peace.”
“I’m interested in studying biology so that I can eventually do medical research.”

“Do you have any questions for us?”

This question is likely pretty much any time that you’re interviewed for anything
It’s helpful to have a question in mind to ask them; it will show that you care about the school and aren’t just generically applying
The question should be something that you can’t easily google or get from their website, and it should show that you know something about the school
Eg: “I saw on the website that a lot of undergraduates do research. What’s the process like for finding a research adviser?”
(Don’t ask about possible exceptions to policies. That’s a conversation to have after you’re accepted, especially if it’s disability-related.)

Short version: If you’re interviewing for college (or anything really), it’s very helpful to do a practice interview. There is likely a teacher, guidance counselor, or coach at your school who would be willing to give you a practice interview. Having a peer do one can also work. Whoever does it, it is most effective when they ask you the questions that you’re afraid or nervous about being asked in the real interview.

Your feelings aren’t your crush’s or squish’s obligation

November 9, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

So this is a common trope in movies and TV shows:

A (usually male) character has a crush on a (usually female) character
She’s not interested and makes this clear
He devotes massive amounts of time and energy to figuring out out to communicate the depth of his feelings to her
This is shown as sympathetic
With the implication that if she just ~understood~ how he feels, then she’d realize that she should be with him
Sometimes this eventually works

This trope is really creepy, and not something you should do in real life, because:

Someone can understand your feelings about them perfectly clearly and still not be interested in dating you (or in other forms of emotional intimacy)
Feelings are not automatically reciprocated
If someone says they’re not interested, that is a decision they get to make. It’s not ok to pressure them to change their mind
Grand romantic gestures are only good if they’re welcome. If you’re repeatedly invading someones boundaries and disregarding their consent, that’s not romance, that’s stalking

A couple of examples:

Fry and Leela in Futurma
John and Liz in Garfield

Or, in other words:

If she* said no, it doesn’t mean you need to find a perfect new way of expressing just how you feel about her.
She probably knows.
That doesn’t mean she has to reciprocate. Her feelings matter, and they don’t have to match yours.
She can understand perfectly well that you want her, and still be uninterested.
You can’t just rub your feelings on her and hope they stick.
(*Likewise with other gender configurations. The target of this kind of thing is almost always female in the media, and more often than not in real life. But people of all genders do this to people of all genders, and it’s never ok. Stalking and romantic coercion don’t become ok when they’re done in ways that subvert gender stereotypes)
(This is also the case for forms of non-romantic intimacy. Your desire to be someone’s best friend is not their obligation.)

Short version: If someone says no to dating you, or to other forms of emotional intimacy, it’s important that you take no for an answer. Trying over and over to ~explain how you feel about them~ will not magically cause them to reciprocate. They can know perfectly well how you feel, and still not feel the same way. Stalking, harassment and other forms of attempts to coerce intimacy don’t become ok when you have strong feelings.

This Halloween, don’t be a jerk

October 28, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

On Halloween, some people end up being really mean to other people, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes on purpose.

Some considerations for avoiding being a jerk:

Not everyone likes to be startled or scared:

Scaring people is a major part of Halloween tradition, and it’s ok to like it
But it’s also ok not to like it
And it’s wrong to scare or startle people who don’t like to be scared
Being scared when you don’t want to be is really, really unpleasant
It can also be physically or psychologically dangerous for a lot of people.
If you know someone doesn’t like to be scared, don’t scare them
If you don’t know whether someone likes to be scared, don’t scare them
If you think someone likes to be scared and it turns out they don’t, apologize and don’t do it again
If scaring people is really really important to you, consider working or volunteering at a haunted house, or making your own haunted house.
Scaring is ok, but it needs to be consensual

Don’t wreck people’s stuff:

Some people like to smash jack-o-lanterns or other decorations, sometimes at the end of the night
This is a mean thing to do, especially because some people, particularly children, get really emotionally attached to their decorations
(Especially if they have put a lot of work into creating them)
Some people might try to convince you that it’s just the done thing and that it doesn’t really upset anyone, but they’re wrong
Breaking people’s stuff is mean
If you want to smash pumpkins, get your own pumpkins to smash

Don’t be a jerk to people who don’t participate in trick or treating:

Most adults who live in areas in which kids trick or treat are happy to participate
It’s a good thing to do, but it’s not something anyone is obligated to do
Some adults don’t participate, and that’s ok
They might not be able to afford to buy candy
They might not be able to get up so much or tolerate constant interaction/doorbell ringing.
Halloween might be against their religion
They might not want to participate for any number of other reasons
That’s a legitimate choice, no matter why they don’t do it
Some people punish people who don’t participate by egging or tping their house, or banging out the door over and over.
Those are really mean things to do. Don’t do it.
Trick or treating requires consent, and it’s not ok to be mean to people who don’t participate

Just, generally speaking – if something would normally be mean, it’s mean on Halloween. If something would normally require consent, it requires consent on Halloween. Don’t be a jerk.

Halloween when you’re too old for trick or treating and don’t like drunken parties

October 26, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

do you or your followers know of any social acceptable ways for teenagers to celebrate halloween? my friends and i are 18-20, so unfortunately I feel too old to be trick-or-treating, and none of us like to drink or go to those kinds of parties. do you have any ideas? thank you.

realsocialskills said:

Many people your age like to go to haunted houses around this time of year. In a haunted house, you walk through and look at spooking things and various actors scare you. Most areas have at least a couple of haunted houses. There are also haunted hayrides, which are similar except that they are outdoors and you ride through them rather than walking through them.

Many zoos and museums have Halloween events. Most of them are primarily targeted towards children, but some of them also welcome adults. If there are zoos and museums in your areas, you can find out about their programs on their websites.

Different cities have different events. If you google “[your city] Halloween events” you might find something interesting. Here’s a page of events for Philadelphia.

Some people your age enjoy going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Halloween. I don’t really know how to explain what that is or why people like it. But here’s a link to the Wikipedia page, and a fan page that can tell you where to find a showing.

That said, a party is also an option. Parties don’t have to be drunken, large, or crowded. They can be a small group of friends getting together to do something they enjoy.

The party can be a Halloween party just because it is a party and it is on Halloween. (Maybe with Halloween-related decorations or food). You can also do Halloween-specific things.

Some things that some people enjoy doing at Halloween parties:

Telling ghost stories in the dark
Wearing costumes
Painting each others’ faces
Having a bonfire and roasting marshmallows
Carving and lighting jack-o-lanterns
Making pumpkin pie, or just eating it
Eating other pumpkin-based foods
Eating and/or making Halloween-themed cookies (you can buy tubes of dough to slice and cook if you’d like to make cookies but don’t want to do complicated baking)
Watching horror movies
Watching Halloween-related movies (Nightmare Before Christmas is a good one.) or Halloween episodes of shows you like

You can also take things you already like and make them Halloween-themed in some way. Eg: If you write stories together, write them about black cats. If you play roleplaying games, play a Halloween scenario. If you like playing Apples to Apples, make a bunch of Halloween-themed cards and add them to your deck.

Things to do on Halloween besides parties

October 25, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m in college and too old to trick-or-treat, but I’m autistic and even if I went to a party I’d be miserable. Since I moved out, I live in a building where I won’t get trick-or-treaters. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do for Halloween this year, do you have any advice?

realsocialskills said:

There are several things you can do on/for Halloween that don’t involve parties or trick or treating. I don’t know what kind of stuff you like, so here are some things:

Pumpkin carving:

You can carve pumpkins (most grocery stores in the US sell pumpkins suitable for jack-o-lanterns this time of year)
You can use them as decorations, even if there are no trick-or-treaters
You can also enter a pumpkin carving contest
(There may be some that adults are allowed to enter in your area; there are also some that take place online such as this one.)

Fandom:

You can read Halloween fanfic. AO3 has a Halloween tag.
You can also write Halloween-related fic or make art.
That can be a good way to be part of a community doing Halloween (and can be fun even if it’s not a community thing for you)

Arts and crafts:

If you like to make things, you might make some Halloween things
Craft stores have a lot of Halloween-related supplies, projects, and suggestions this time of year
If you want some ideas, browsing a craft store might help
You can also just make orange things, or orange and black things
Or things involving ghosts or black cats
You can also post pictures of what you make on Tumblr/Pintrest/other places

Sensory activities:

If you google “sensory activities” or “sensory play”, you get a lot of instructions for making fun things to stim with
Most of them are created by parents or therapists for kids
There are a *lot* of holiday-themed sensory activities/play
Here is a page with some Halloween suggestions

Food:

If you like to cook, there are a lot of Halloween recipes. Here’s the allrecipes.com Halloween page.
You can also make pumpkin pie (or other pumpkin things)
If you don’t want to or can’t cook, stores have a lot of Halloween-themed food
You can get Halloween candy, or cookies, or cakes, or any number of other things.

Watching movies or TV shows:

A lot of shows have Halloween episodes
One classic Halloween episode is “It’s the great pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
Halloween episodes aside, some people enjoy watching horror movies on Halloween.
There are also some Halloween movies that aren’t horror movies. One excellent one is The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Reading scary/ghost stories:

Some people like to read scary stories or ghost stories on Halloween
If you like that sort of thing, Project Gutenberg has a ton of stories by Edgar Allen Poe, almost all of which are scary or creepy.
(There are also non-scary ghost stories, but I don’t know where to find them offhand).

Hosting a gathering that you’d enjoy:

Even if you don’t like parties, you still might like to be around a few other people.
Maybe having dinner together
Or baking cookies together
Or watching a movie

Dealing with confusion in a costume store

October 24, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Costume stores can be really overwhelming and difficult for some people. Here are some reasons, and some things that can help.

Sensory overload:

The most obvious problem is sensory overload
Costume stores tend to be loud and have a lot of strange sounds
Sometimes costume stores have spooky music or scream tracks, which can be scary as well as physically unpleasant
They also usually have bad lighting and often have strobe lights
Costume stores also usually crowded with loud people
They also might smell weird, especially if there are a lot of masks and makeup

Things that can help with sensory overload in a costume store:

Go at an unpopular time of day so it won’t be crowded
(And if the lights are a big problem, going during the day might be better than going at night)
Carry a stim toy to help manage overload
If you get overloaded and disoriented, holding onto something solid like a shelf for a few seconds can help to reorient yourself
Wear headphones or earbuds to block out the sounds or make them more tolerable
You might need to take a lot of breaks to be able to tolerate the store long enough to successfully buy something. That’s ok
If you’re helping someone else get a costume, it’s worth saying explicitly that it’s ok for them to take breaks if they need to
If you think they might need a break, it can be good to say that they look overwhelmed and ask if they want to go outside for a minute (but also take no for an answer. Sometimes we’re overloaded *and* want to keep going)

Unfamiliarity

Costume stores are temporary, and they change from year to year
So you aren’t familiar with the layout, which can be disorienting if you depend on memorization to navigate stores
Also, most people don’t buy costumes very often
(and aren’t necessarily familiar with what is sold in a costume store, even they buy costumes every year)
This can be disorienting if you rely heavily on routine to navigate stores and make purchasing decisions efficiently

Things that can help with unfamiliarity:

Think beforehand about what’s available in a costume store (eg: they usually have several different kinds of costumes in bags. They also have masks and wigs and hats. They also have facepaint and accessories.)
If you’re helping someone else, talk to them about the different kinds of things that costume stores have before you go
Sometimes you can look online to find the layout of the store
It might help to walk through the store once or twice together just to see what is there, without trying to make decisions right away
(Orienting is hard. Making unfamiliar decisions is hard. Doing both at once can be *really* hard).
If you’re planning to help someone else (especially if it’s a child) it can help to visit the costume store first yourself so that you know what is in the store and where the various things are
(It’s easier to help someone else orient if you are already oriented)
You can look online to see which costumes are likely to be available this year
(You can also buy costumes online, but that runs the risk of ending up with something that’s not tolerable to wear.)
It might be better to buy costumes in a familiar store such as Target rather than an unfamiliar costume store. (That can also help with sensory overload since ordinary stores are less likely to have strobe lights, scream tracks, and extreme crowding)

Difficulty narrowing things down

There are a lot of options for costumes. It can be difficult to narrow down options
It can be especially difficult to narrow things down if you’re not sure what you want, but you know that you don’t like most of what you’re seeing
Or if you are having trouble processing what you’re seeing because of unfamiliarity, overload, or disorientation.

Some things that help with narrowing down options for someone else (I don’t really know any effective way to do this for yourself; there probably is one but I don’t know it):

An example of narrowing things down using categories:

You: Do you want to dress as a person or a thing?
Them: A person
You: A TV/movie character, a job, or something else?
Them: TV character
You: A superhero, or something else?
Them: Batman

Another example:

You: Do you want to look at the bag costumes, the makeup, or something else?
Them: Makeup
(then you walk together to the accessories area and they still look confused)
You: Do you want help narrowing it down, or do you just want to think about it?
Them: Think about it.
Them: I want cat makeup.
You: Do you also want a hat?
Them: No, a tail.

General advice for helping other people:

Don’t panic. It might be hard for someone to pick a costume no matter what you do
Helping means that you support them in ways that they welcome and find helpful
That doesn’t necessarily mean that buying a costume will be easy or comfortable for them
Things can be ok even if they’re hard or uncomfortable
If they don’t want to buy a costume in a costume store, that’s ok. If they want to do it even though it’s hard, that’s also ok.

It’s also possible to wear a costume without having to go to a costume store. Some other possibilities might be easier for some people.

Some strategies for wearing costumes

October 23, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people like to buy bagged costumes for costume stores, but that isn’t a good option for everyone.

Some reasons bagged costumes are not a good option for everyone:

Bagged costumes are often really expensive
They tend to have unpleasant textures, fabrics, smells, and seams
It might be hard to find one in your size, especially if you are a woman and don’t want to wear a sexualized costume.
You might not find one you like
The costume store might be too unpleasant or overloading to tolerate

Luckily, there are other options.

One option (probably the hardest one) is sewing your own.

That’s a lot of effort, particularly if you do not have a sewing machine
The advantage is that if you go to a fabric store, you can pick a pattern
There might be some less-difficult patterns available
There are a lot more non-sexual options for costumes in fabric stores than costume stores
Also, you can pick the fabric and make sure it’s a texture you like or can at least tolerate

Another option: Making a costume out of a box:

If you have a big cardboard box, you can cut out a hole for your head and your arms, then paint it or draw on it
The easiest box costume is to go as dice. You just draw the right number of dots on each side (or glue pieces of construction paper).
If you google “box costume”, you will get a lot of different options and instructions for box costumes.
This is fairly cheap and can be fairly straightforward (it can be complicated too, but it doesn’t have to be)
If you use paint, it will be messy. So either make your costume outside or put down newspaper or a tarp first
The major downside of box costumes is that they are unwieldy. They make it harder to move, and especially to use your arms. This might be very uncomfortable.

Another thing you can make out of a box or cardboard: flat cardboard costumes:

Cut out a piece of cardboard in a shape you like.
Some shapes that work well: Hershey’s kiss, star, Easter egg, rainbow
(You could probably make a Tardis costume this way too)
Decorate the shape you’ve made.
Some things that work well as decorations: aluminum foil (works great for a Hershey’s kiss or star costume), markers, colored duct tape, paint, stickers
Attach a string to the costume and hang the costume from your neck with ribbon or string. You can either poke holes in the top of the costume and tie on ribbon/string, or tape it on with strong tape (regular scotch tape will not be strong enough to hold it up for long)

Wigs or hats:

Buying just a hat/wig can be cheaper and more tolerable than buying and wearing a whole bagged costume
You can dress as a clown by putting on a big rainbow wig.
It helps to paint your face and/or use a clown nose, but it is not necessary.
You can wear a jester hat and go as a jester
You can wear a witch’s hat and go as a witch. (Wearing black clothing helps, especially a black skirt. Or, if your hat is not black, clothing can be the same color as the hat)
If you wear a crown, you can go as a king/queen. This works especially well when paired with velvet clothing.

Going to a party dressed like one of your friends:

Eg: if you usually wear tie-dye and flowing skirts, you could borrow clothes from a friend who dresses conservatively.
Make sure that this is ok with the person who you’re dressing like. If you show up in a them costumed and they think you’re making fun of them, it will end badly
Be careful about costumes that involve cross dressing. Make sure that you’re not making trans or gender nonconforming people the butt of a joke.
Be careful about dressing in clothing associated with an ethnic group or religion other than your own. That usually ends poorly.

Minimalist or pun costumes:

Costumes that aren’t really a full outfit, but will look like a costume.
If you google “last minute costumes” or “minimalist costumes” you will get a lot of suggestions
Eg: holding a sign that says “nudist on strike”.

A fairly easy cat costume

Get an old pair of tights to use as a tail.
Stuff one leg with newspaper
Tie the other leg around your waist to hold the tail on
Paint your nose pink and draw cat whiskers on your fac
(Preferably with face paint. You can use a marker for this, but it’s likely to be very annoying to get off later. OTOH, (non-toxic) markers might be more tolerable from a sensory perspective)
If you like, you can make cat ears out of paper and attach them to a headband or hair clips

Other things that look vaguely costumey:

A hat with flashy fake plastic jewelery
Spraying or dying your hair a bright unnatural color (this will create a smell though; it’s probably best to check if you can tolerate the smell before putting it on your hair). You can also dye your hair with koolaid if you hair is light.
A feather boa
Face paint
Zombie makeup can be particularly effective. Because you can wear whatever clothes you want and be like “A zombie college student” or wear a tie-dye shirt and be a zombie hippie (might be inadvisable around kids because could be read as a drug reference) or a suit/tie/jacket and be a zombie executive
A mask, even without other costume pieces (be aware that in some areas, it is illegal for adults to wear masks, or illegal to wear masks that cover your whole face)
A prom dress can look like a costume on Halloween

You can also go to a thrift store and find interesting stuff to wear or build a costume out of. That is usually pretty cheap.

Short version: If you want to wear a costume but don’t want to or can’t go to a costume store, there are other options. Scroll up for some examples.