Real Social Skills

Assume your audience contains poor people

November 11, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Many teachers, religious leaders, and civic leaders want to raise awareness of poverty, often in a move to get their people to favor more socially progressive laws.

One way they do this is by promoting poverty simulations like The Snap Challenge or a Hunger Banquet.

Often, the way they talk about this undermines their own message by assuming that there are no poor people actually in the room. Or, even more so, speaking as though only privileged people have a place in the conversation about poverty.

The fact of the matter is, in just about any room you’re in, there will be people who already know what it’s like to depend on food stamps. There are people in the room who depend on food stamps or have in the past, and they know more about it than the people who spent a few days playing a game.

Those are the voices that should be primary in the conversation. When you’re trying to get people to care about poverty, don’t drown out the voices of actual poor people.

Some practical things this means:

Don’t ask people if they’ve done the food stamp challenge yet
Don’t tell a whole room you’re addressing that everyone should do it, because there are people in the room who shouldn’t, and people in the room who have n choice
If you’re talking about these things, explicitly acknowledge that probably some people in the room already know what this is like and don’t need a simulation to tell them
And point out explicitly that you don’t really know what things are like after a few days
Especially since people get all sorts of social points for participating in those things, people who are *actually* poor get shame and hate and hostility.
Simulations only simulate some things, and not necessarily the most important things
Do not talk over people who have experienced the real thing

When you say “we” to a room, make sure your we includes poor people. If you don’t feel like you can do that within the exercise you’re doing, it’s probably a program that shouldn’t be happening anyway.

When your right to say no is entirely hypothetical

November 6, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some scary controlling people will tell you over and over how important consent is to them. They will tell you that they want to respect your boundaries, and that if anything makes you uncomfortable, they will stop. They will say this over and over, apparently sincerely.

Until you actually say no.

And then, suddenly, they create a reason that it wasn’t ok, after all, and that you’re going to do what they wanted anyway.

They will tell you that it *would* be ok to say no, and that of course they’d respect it, but you said it wrong. And that you have to understand that it hurts them when you say it that way. (And that you should make it better by doing what they wanted).

Or they will tell you that of course they don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but you said yes before. And that this means that either it’s really ok with you, or that you don’t trust them anymore. And that you have to understand that it hurts when you withdraw trust like that (and that you should make it better by doing what they wanted.)

Or that they have a headache. Or that they just can’t deal with it right now. That maybe when they feel better or aren’t tired or grumpy or had a better day it will be ok to say no. (And that meanwhile, you should fix things by doing what they wanted).

Or that by saying no, you’re accusing them of being an awful person. And that they’d never do anything to hurt you, so why are you making accusations like that? (And, implicitly, that you should fix it by doing what they wanted.)

If this kind of thing happens every time you say no, things are really wrong.

No isn’t a theoretical construct. In mutually respectful relationships, people say no to each other often, and it’s not a big deal

When you’re without a diagnosis and not sure whether or not to describe yourself as disabled

November 3, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I don’t really know how to say this the best way, but apparently I “might” have Aspergers. I had been having some trouble at college, and the woman we spoke to at disabilities services said that “clearly, something isn’t connecting here.”

But instead of getting me diagnosed or anything, everyone just kind of ignored it after that? The whole thing was really confusing. I don’t want to claim disability if I don’t have one, but I might have one, but I might not. I just don’t really know what to do

realsocialskills said:

That’s a hard place to be. It can be really hard when you think you might have a disability but you’re not sure. Especially when it’s a developmental disability and you are only starting to realize in adulthood that you might have it.

Several things I think help in this situation:

Take the problems you are having seriously:

You are having trouble, and that matters
You are not faking it
You are not being appropriative
It’s ok not to be sure exactly what’s going on
It’s important to take your needs seriously and to work on figuring out what would help
Keep in mind that whatever is going on, your needs matter

Whether or not you’re autistic, things written by and for autistic people might help you:

It’s ok to use them whether or not you’re autistic
The point is to do things that help you understand yourself and function well in the world, and that will involve learning from a lot of people
People with different kinds of disabilities and differences have substantially overlapping experiences, and it’s ok and important to learn from one another’s communities
One thing that might be particularly helpful is a guide the Autistic Self Advocacy Network made called Navigating College. It has a lot of really helpful practical suggestions
It’s probably a good idea to look at stuff written by and for people with other kinds of disabilities too (particularly ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, and depression, but a surprising number of things end up being helpful to know about cross-disability)

It helps to identify specific things you’re having trouble with, for instance:

Are you having trouble reading?
Are you having trouble paying attention?
Do you get stuck trying to figure out what you should be doing?
Are you forgetting to eat?
Are you having sensory problems?
Is handwriting difficult for you?
Are you having trouble speaking, or processing speech quickly enough to participate in conversations?
Is it hard for you to navigate and get yourself to where you need to be?
Do you have problems planning projects?
Other things?

It’s helpful to identify the specific things you’re having trouble with, for several reasons:

There is a lot that people know about how to help with specific problems.
For instance, if reading is an issue for you, changing the font, using audio books, or using ebooks rather than print books might help.
Knowing a diagnostic label can be very helpful, especially in identifying people similar to you who might understand
But it’s even more important to figure out what you’re having trouble with in practical terms, and what can help
The tests doctors and specialists use to diagnose learning disabilities tend to paint a very broad brush, and they don’t necessarily give you great information on what exactly is going on or what would help
The more specific you can be about what’s going on, the more likely it is that people will be able to help you

If you’re in college, seeking formal evaluation and diagnosis is probably a good idea:

It is far easier to get schools to make accommodations if you have a diagnosis
There are a lot of fairly standard modifications that schools are used to making, but which they are generally only willing to make if a doctor recommends that they do so
And whether or not you disclose to individual professors is still your choice
There are downsides to diagnosis, but the advantages probably outweigh them in your situation

Don’t wait for diagnosis, though:

Diagnosis is a tool, not a solution
It can help you, but it won’t make things go away
There are problems you can solve now
And diagnosis is more helpful if you already know some things that would help you, because often doctors won’t think to put things in their report unless you suggest them
Working on living with a disability or even just a difference is a lifelong process.
And ultimately, you have to figure out for yourself how to manage that, and you shouldn’t wait for anyone’s permission

Don’t worry about being appropraitive or falsely claiming disability:

Whatever is going on, your problems are real and you should take them seriously
It’s ok to suspect that you might have an autism spectrum disorder and be wrong; that doesn’t hurt anyone
Figuring things out has to start somewhere, and it’s ok if you have to think through several possibilities to get the right words for yourself
The important thing is that you figure out what is going on and what can help you
That can be really difficult and scary, but it also makes life a lot better

Good luck. You’re in a scary place, but it’s possible to figure things out and get through this. You will be ok.

Disconnects about whether or not something has been explained

November 3, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader said:

For the anon who feels like people cut them out a lot: one other potential issue could be that people try to explain things to the anon, but for whatever reason (no words for what they want to say, being too intimidated to be more forthright, or some other reason), it may be that they can’t explain things as clearly as anon might need, so anon perceives them as “not explaining” why they do things when, from their perspective, they *are* explaining things and anon just isn’t taking the hint.

realsocialskills said:

Yes, definitely that too.

What happens when others say no to you?

November 1, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content warning: This is a post is a second-person description of ways to tell about the possibility of doing a particular thing wrong to mess up relationships. If that kind of writing triggers self-destructive feelings about being a bad person for you, you’re probably better off skipping this one.

A reader asked:

Sometimes, people that I think of as close friends because of how long I’ve known them and the things they’ve helped me with decide to totally cut me out of their lives without warning and without explaining why they’ve done it. I can’t become a better friend or person if they don’t tell me what’s wrong, so what am I supposed to do in situations like this? It hurts and leaves me distrustful of everyone for a long time whenever it happens.

realsocialskills said:

I don’t know you, so I can’t say with any real confidence what is going on. But I do know one thing that I’ve seen happen over and over with a number of people, so I’m going to describe it in case it is applicable.

I think it might be worth taking a look at what happens when people say no to you, and seeing if maybe the way you react is creating relationship problems.

Here’s a thing that might be happening (I don’t know you, so I can’t be sure, but I’ve seen this happen with other people):

It’s really hard for people to say no to you because of the way you react when other people don’t want what you want
But you have a lot of really good qualities, and people like you a lot
So, in the medium term, people put up with not being allowed to have appropriate boundaries so they can be around you
But, eventually, this becomes intolerable
And when people reach the point of not being willing to put up with it anymore, they’re not inclined to discuss it with you
Because it would involve having the kind of confrontation they’ve spent your whole relationship carefully avoiding

This might not be you. But, if you think it might be, here’s some things to look at:

When your friends say no, can it be ok, or does it always upset you?

For instance, if you want a friend to go to a movie with you, and they say they don’t want to see that one, can you see that as ok, or does it always feel like a betrayal?
When you invite your friends to so something, and they’re busy or have conflicting plans, can you see that as ok, or does it always feel like a betrayal?
Friends don’t always want to do the same things, and it’s normal for friends to say no to suggestions for getting together. If it *always* upsets you, there’s a problem.
There are legitimate reasons to be upset when friends don’t want to do something, (or especially when friends cancel plans without a good reason.) But if you’re *always* upset when friends say no to things you suggest, there’s probably a problem with your expectations.

Can you think of recent examples in which a long-term friend said no to you, and you didn’t get upset?

If not, it’s likely that you have problems accepting no for an answer
Because friends say no to each other all the time for all kinds of good and even important reasons
And that’s part of what maintains good relationships and allows people to try new things

When your friends say no, does it ever stick, or do they almost always end up doing what you wanted anyway?

In good friendships, people can and do say no to each other regularly.
If when your friends say no, they almost always apologize, back down, and do what you wanted, something is wrong
Friends need to be able to say no. Friends need to be able to hear no.
It’s ok if sometimes it turns out that something was more important to you than your friend initially realized, and your friend changed their mind once they realized.
But if that happens all or most of the time, it’s an indication that you probably should work on learning to take no for an answer
If this is happening with all or most of your friends, you’re probably making it difficult for people to say no to you, and that’s probably making it hard for you to maintain relationships.
(Not an absolute indication, because it’s also possible that a lot of people in your life have trouble saying no for reasons that have nothing to do with you. But if you notice this pattern, it’s worth seeing if there’s something you can do about it.)

What happens when your friends don’t want to do things for you?

If you ask for a lot of favors and almost no one you consider to be a friend ever says no, that’s a sign that something might be wrong
Because there are a lot of things that it’s ok to ask but not ok to assume the answer will be yes
And if your friends don’t ever say no, it’s very likely that it’s because they feel like they can’t
If people who do say no tend to end up crying, apologizing, and doing the thing you asked them to do anyway, that’s a serious red flag
It might be that your friends are manipulative and like to make you feel bad about asking for things, and don’t like to say no – that’s a thing that happens, and a possibility that it’s important to take seriously
But it also might be that you’ve made it really difficult to say no, and that it’s causing relationship problems, and it’s also important to take that possibility seriously

How do you react when your friends don’t want to share some aspects of their life? For instance:

Do you expect to meet your friend’s coworkers and get hurt and offended if this doesn’t happen?
Do you get upset if your friends don’t want to answer intimate questions about their sex life?
Do you get angry if your friends don’t want your advice about their personal life?
Do you expect your friends to listen to your theories about their medical condition and follow your plan of treatment?
If you’re having these kinds of reactions, something is wrong.
Friends don’t share everything with friends, and people have the right to keep their private life private, even if their friends want to be part of it.
Friends also have the right to have other social relationships that not all of their friends are included in (There’s a good article on Geek Social Fallacies that explains why).

When you apologize, does it usually result in you getting your way?

A real apology means acknowledging that you have done something wrong, that you’ve stopped doing that thing, and that you will try your best not to do it again in the future
There are other kinds of apologies that are more about either manipulating others or submitting to someone’s power over you
There are all kinds of situations in which using those are legitimate, but not between close friends. Apologies between close friends should be genuine.
Some kinds of apologies are really about making it hard for people to tell you when you’re hurting them
I wrote about that some before
If when you apologize in your personal life, people tend to feel guilty for making you feel bad, and then do what you wanted anyway, something is wrong

If any of this sounds like you, it’s probably really important that you work on learning to take no for an answer. Other people, even friends who care about you very much, have all kinds of legitimate reasons to say no to you. If you can accept that as an inevitable part of a relationship, it will make it a lot easier to have and keep mutually good relationships going.

As I said, I don’t know you, and it may well be that this isn’t the problem, or that it isn’t the main problem. But this is a very common problem, and it might be worth considering.

The power of “I can’t”

October 26, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

People will try to tell you that you can do things you can’t do.

It’s hard to insist that no, you can’t do them. Or that you can’t do them safely. Or that you can’t do them without using up all your spoons and losing the capacity to do things that are more important.

They will tell you that this is giving up, or being lazy. They will tell you this with their words and their body language. And by pretending that you have not said anything, and just refusing to take into account your actual abilities.

They will tell you this with hate. They will tell you this with good intentions. They will tell you this as concern trolls and terrified parents.

Sometimes, in that situation, it’s easy to feel like you aren’t allowed to say no until you’ve run yourself into the ground trying, or until you’ve tried and failed and things have gone badly wrong. Because people won’t believe you, and will put pressure on you in all kinds of ways.

The thing is, they’re wrong, and you don’t have to believe them or comply with their demands.

It helps a lot to be confident in your ability to judge what you can and can’t do. Sometimes you have to say no over and over.

Knowing ahead of time that something won’t work for you and insisting on planning accordingly isn’t lazy.

It’s being responsible.