Real Social Skills

politeness when bringing things to a dinner party

August 29, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

two thoughts (1) if the host says not to bring food, it’s polite to bring a small host(ess) gift that you think the person will like (2) it’s okay to invite people by saying “I’m asking each person to bring a side dish, would you be able to do that?”

realsocialskills said:

About host(ess) gifts:

Flowers are generally considered appropriate
But not roses, especially if you are a man and the host is a single woman. Roses are associated with romance and are likely to be seen as intrusive flirting.
If the host has children who will be present, something for the kids can be a polite choice. But make sure that it’s either a thing that can be shared easily or that there is one for each kid (eg: if there are three kids, three kaleidoscopes, not one).

About inviting and saying you’re asking everyone to bring a thing:

It’s better to tell someone this *before* they accept the invitation
Because if they’ve already said yes, there’s no polite way to change their mind after being asked to bring something
Especially since some people are uncomfortable declining directly and make polite excuses like “I’m sorry, that sounds lovely, but I have other plans.”
So they might say yes and not really be ok with it because there’s no polite way to say no at that point

Alternatives to alchohol at parties

August 29, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

chavisory said:

If you’re having wine, have some soda or cider too in case there are people who avoid alcohol. Hard cider is also a nice alternative to beer

realsocialskills said:

That’s an important point. If you’re having a gathering that includes alcohol, it’s important to have non-alcoholic drinks too.

A lot of people avoid alcohol for various reasons, and you don’t always know who they are.

And even people who drink often find it easier to avoid drinking too much if there are non-alcoholics drinks available.

Also, consider who you are inviting when you’re deciding whether to have alcohol. If you’re inviting people who tend to be really obnoxious when they’re drunk, it might be better to stick with soft drinks.

Having people over for dinner

August 29, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

One potentially enjoyable form of interaction is to have people over for dinner.

Some ways this can be good:

Eating together can make conversation easier
Since it creates an activity and a focus
But it doesn’t take up all the attention; you can still talk
Eating at home can be cheaper than going out
It can also be less overloading, since your place is probably less noisy than a restaurant
It can also be more private, because you’re less likely to run into unwelcome people, and because there aren’t as many people around who could overhear

Some things about guests:

Invite people who you like
Invite people who like each other
It’s not very much fun to hang out with a group of folks who dislike one another, even if you like all of them separately
Don’t invite too many people. It’s much more fun to have dinner with a group of people that’s a comfortable size for you
It’s often considered rude to invite someone but not their partner, with two major exceptions:
If you’re hosting a single-gender event and their partner isn’t the relevant gender, or:
If you’re hosting an esoteric interest gathering and it’s something only one of them likes. (Eg: If you’re having a party for people who like to talk about spiders, it’s probably ok to not invite a partner who hate spiders)

Some points about food etiquette:

If you are in your 20s and living in the US, it’s likely that you’re in a culture in which it’s normal for guests to bring some of the food. (This is different from a potluck, which is a communally-hosted kind of meal at which no one person has primary responsibility for making the food. I’m planning to write a different post about that later.)

If you are invited over for a meal:

It’s considered polite to offer to bring something
The most polite way to ask is to say something along the lines of “What can I bring?” because it suggests that you’re expecting to bring something rather than hoping they’ll tell you not to bring anything
If they say not to bring anything, don’t
Some people prefer that you don’t, or might have cultural or medical reasons to want control over the food that’s in their space
Also, in some cultures it’s considered rude, so if someone doesn’t want you to bring something, it’s important to respect that

If you are doing the inviting:

It’s usually considered rude to ask people to bring things if they haven’t explicitly offered to
If people offer, it’s ok to assume that they mean it, and to ask them to bring something
But be reasonable about it. Don’t ask people to bring something expensive or complicated unless you are planning the meal together and hosting jointly
It’s usually considered reasonable to ask someone to bring one of these things: bread, wine, salad, soda/juice, or a dessert

Some specific things about food:

You should make/buy a main dish that is filling and has protein of some sort
And also probably a side dish or two
And drinks of some sort – but it’s ok if it’s mostly water
Make sure you have enough plates/cups/knives/forks/spoons/etc for everyone
Find out if people you’re inviting are allergic to anything
If you are serving meat, find out if there are any vegetarians
If some people are vegetarian, it’s nice to make a vegetarian protein in addition to the main meat dish
But in any case, at least make sure that some things don’t contain meat (eg: don’t put bacon bits on the salad or use lard to make a pie)

This is a good kind of gathering. Are there other things people should know about how to do it?

Respect names

August 28, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

This is something that often happens in English-speaking schools to kids from other cultures:

A kid has a non-English name
The teacher decides it would be better if they had an English name
They give the kid a different name, and refuse to call them their actual name
Or heavily pressure the kid into changing their name

This also happens to some kids in foster care. Their foster parents or social workers will decide that their name is a problem, and assign them a different name.

Some reasons adults in power will cite for doing this to kids in their care:

The name is hard to pronounce
Other kids make fun of the name
A kid with a non-English name will feel different from the other kids
Having a different name will make it easier for the kid to assimilate into English-speaking culture
And then the teacher makes the kid use a different name, one that’s more usual in English

Don’t do this. Names are important. It’s not ok to change someone else’s name.

It’s actually *more* important not to change a kid’s name if other kids are making fun of it, because:

You’re teaching the kid that their name is wrong
And that it’s their own fault they’re being bullied, that it’s because they’re weird
It also teaches the bullies that it’s ok to bully people for having weird names, and that they’re entitled to have other people erase themselves for their sake
A kid who is being bullied for their name will also be bullied for other things, especially if they are from a non-English-speaking culture
Changing the kid’s name will not stop this, it will just make the rest of it harder to take

Names are important. Respecting someone’s name is part of respecting them as a person. It’s not ok to change their name for your convenience.

When food is too hard: Sometimes making and freezing helps

August 28, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

thepastryalchemist:

When you can cook, make more than you need and freeze the excess. Make sure its something super nutritious. Then, when you can’t cook, just unfreeze one of your pre-prepared meals. That way, you can get all the nutrition you need at a much lower cost than a take-away.

Realsocialskills said:

That is an effective strategy for some people, some of the time. Especially when you use paper plates to eat the food.

It’s not completely effective for most people who have this problem, but it can be useful.

Some thoughts on how to do this:

Freeze the food in individual portion sizes, not big tupperware containers
If you’ve frozen something in a large block, it’s not likely that you’ll be able to eat it when you’re low on spoons
One way to do this is to use freezer bags to freeze the food. Put a meal-sized amount in each bag. Then press the air out.
Make sure the bags are freezer bags and not storage bags – freezer bags preserve frozen food better.
Keep paper plates and plastic silverware on hand

But also keep in mind that this doesn’t work for everyone, and that it’s ok if you need a different strategy, or if you sometimes need a different strategy. Some reasons it might not work:

It only works if you are often able to cook. Not everyone *has* a time when they are able to cook.
If you can’t reliably recognize homemade frozen food as edible, freezing food ahead of time won’t be reliably helpful
Defrosting and heating food might still be too many steps sometimes.
It’s not always obvious how long to microwave things for
And it can be really hard to figure out how to heat things evenly
Freezing food changes the texture in ways that can be a problem for some people

If freezing food works for you, it’s a good strategy. If it doesn’t work for you, or doesn’t always work for you, that’s ok too. It just means you need other strategies.

One thing to try if washing dishes grosses you out

August 28, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have a suggestion for when you’re too grossed out by doing dishes – get some rubber dishwashing gloves, maybe in a nice pattern, it makes you feel really insulated from the muck, like you’re in a spacesuit, and you don’t have to touch anything gross

I hadn’t thought to mention that; thank you for pointing it out.

I do want to mention that gloves aren’t a good solution for everyone – some people can’t tolerate the texture of gloves, or the things that can happen if water accidentally splashes into the gloves.

Gloves can be a really great strategy for some people though.

The internet

August 27, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

vulcansurge answered: I wouldn’t worry about it too much, it’s the internet after all.

I don’t think the way I treat people stops mattering when I sit in front of a computer.

Offerring support doesn’t always mean agreeing with someone

August 27, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

One thing I really have a problem with is if a friend that I’m really close to is privately venting to me about someone or a situation and going on and on about it and I want to support them – but even from what they’re saying I think they might be in the wrong or at least not looking at it from the right angle. Disagreeing with people is hard, especially when it might not be your place to say anything? I’m not 100% sure what I’m asking about here.

This can be hard. I think sometimes it can help to ask explicitly if it’s ok to comment.

For instance:

“I think you might not be seeing this from the right angle. Could I tell you how I’m seeing it?”
“Would you like advice?”
“Do you want advice, or just sympathy?”

It’s ok not to agree with your friends. It’s also ok to sympathize with someone even if you think they’re probably making mistakes that are contributing to the situation. And it’s also ok not to actively agree with them, even if you’re being sympathetic.

Like, there’s a difference between weighing in and saying why they’re right and the other person’s wrong, and saying things like:

“That sounds really hard.”
“Are you holding up ok?”
“I hope things get better.”

Sympathy doesn’t necessarily mean agreement.

Of course, it’s also possible for friends to be so far over the line that it’s wrong to offer sympathy in that situation. I think in that situation, you do have to say something, but it doesn’t always have to be extreme or invasive. Sometimes it can just be like:

“This conversation is making me really uncomfortable; can we change the subject?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I’m really not comfortable discussing that with you.”

Sometimes it might mean directly confronting them (eg: If they’re behaving in a really creepy way towards someone else and want to tell you all about it), but I get the sense that this isn’t the kind of situation you’re talking about.

A method for understanding confusing lectures

August 24, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some teachers have a disorganized lecture style that’s difficult to follow.

One reason this can happen is if there’s like 5 things they want to talk about, but they don’t do it in an organized way. Like they keep moving from one topic to another, then back again.

For instance, in a class on vegetables, a teacher might talk about carrots, onions, peppers, celery, and for some reason, cows. They might jump around from one topic to another, saying things about each as they’re reminded of them.

It can help to use a computer to take notes, make topic headings, and add to each topic as it is raised.

So it could look like this, in the hypothetical class about vegetables:

Teacher says: Carrots grow in the ground. Onions grow in the ground. Onions are delicious when you caramelize them. They’re good with steaks. So are peppers, even though they don’t grow in the ground. The other thing about carrots is that they are orange, and they are sweet and have more sugar than you’d think a vegetable would have. Cows like to eat vegetables. Celery needs to be washed before you eat it. So do carrots. Cows can eat vegetables without washing them.

Carrots:

Grow in the ground
Orange
Sweet
have more sugar than you’d think
Need to be washed before you eat them

Onions

grow in the ground
delicious when you caramelize them
good with steaks

Peppers

Good with steaks
Don’t grow in the ground

Cows:

Like to eat vegetables
Don’t need to wash vegetables first

Celery

Needs to be washed before you eat it

You can do this with Word files, but I’ve found that it’s easier with outlining software. (I use OmniOutliner). The advantage to outlining software is that it’s really easy to drag things around if you change your mind about which topic they go in. You can also collapse topic headings when the topic seems to be over, then reopen them if it comes up again.

If you think more visually, a diagraming program might work well for you. Idea Sketch works reasonably well on iPad. This works well for following lectures, but notes taken this way can be harder to use later than more conventional notes. It’s also difficult to share notes taken in this format.