actuallyautistic – Page 8 – Real Social Skills

Asserting adulthood

June 20, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

(TW: possible ableism(?)) This may be a bit of a strange question, but I am an older non-neurotypical person who has a hard time being taken seriously or seen as the adult that I am, and it makes me very insecure and upset when I am talked to, by my coworkers, in a patronizing manner or as if I am a child when I have shown myself to be their equal when it comes to the work we do. Would you happen to have any tips, if it’s not too much of a bother?

This might be something readers have more insight about than I do.

It’s also a bit abstract for me, because there are a number of ways that people fail to treat others like adults. I’m not sure which form it is.

From the way you’ve asked your question, it kind of sounds to me like maybe you feel like you have to prove that you deserve to be treated like an adult. I think it helps to realize that this is not actually something you have to prove. People who treat you like a child are doing something wrong.

And it would be wrong even if you weren’t good at your job. Your adulthood should not be on trial here.

Keeping this in mind makes it harder for people to mess with you.

As far as changing what they actually do, here are some thoughts:

You probably can’t convince them that they’re doing something wrong, and explaining it to them is unlikely to help
Because they’re likely to make it into a conversation about your feelings, and explain to you in patronizing tones why you’re imagining it and being too sensitive.
There might be things you can do unilaterally that help. For instance, it’s ok to interrupt them when they’re speaking to you in a patronizing tone
For instance, if you ask them where a file is, and they launch into a patronizing explanation of the filing system, it’s ok to say, “Yes, I know that. But I’m not sure which category this particular file goes into because [reason], do you know?”

Also, changing the way you dress might help:

If you’re dressing less formally than most people in your field, wearing more formal clothing might be helpful
If you are a man, Men’s Warehouse can explain the default rules of professional attire and help you find something to wear that’s considered appropriate to your body type.
I’m not sure how to do this if you’re a woman, though. The rules of female attire are really complicated
If you’re in a field in which formal attire isn’t expected, changing some things about your clothing still might help
For instance, if everyone wears t-shirts, it might help to avoid t-shirts that have pictures of things associated with childhood (eg: Care Bears, pictures of cartoon characters (including things like Adventure Time or My Little Pony that are also popular among some adults).
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

If you use stim toys, it might help to change the ones you use:

Toys that are also used by children are more likely to be perceived as childish
Eg: silly putty, beanie babies, legos, beads, marbles
Neoballs (little neodium magnet spheres you can build things with) are specifically not for children. The silver, gold, or nickel balls are more likely to be accepted than the brightly colored ones.
Tangle Toys can look professional in some contexts
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

It also might be time to look for another job with people who treat you better. Not all jobs are created equal. Not all working environments have the same culture. There might be other people who would respect you and your professional accomplishments more.

Do any of y’all have further suggestions? (Or think I’m wrong about any of this?)

Hunger can impair communication

June 15, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people who can usually use language to communicate lose a lot of their words if they get too hungry.

When you’re hungry, you don’t have as many cognitive resources available, and some of what is available gets taken up by dealing with hunger. For some people, this can mean that the resources needed for language simply aren’t there.

If you’re finding that you often can’t speak well in the middle of the day, it’s possible that you are forgetting to eat. This might be the case even if you don’t feel hungry.

If you get used to not eating properly, it can be hard to notice hunger. If you’re too hungry for too long, sometimes you get used to automatically ignoring the sensations of hunger, which can make them hard to identify.

If you’re experiencing sudden cognitive or communication impairment, and you haven’t eaten recently, it might be a side effect of hunger. Sometimes, if you get too accustomed to the sensations of hunger, you don’t notice feeling hungry until it stops you from thinking well.

If you used to be able to use language reliably but are experiencing seriously diminished ability, it might mean that you haven’t been eating properly for a long time.

Hunger isn’t the only reason some people have intermittent language problems, and it’s not the only reason people lose language skills in a longer-term way. But it’s very common for people with communication disabilities to have dramatically worse communication problems when they are chronically hungry.

If you’re having communication problems that seem to be more severe than you expect, it’s worth checking to see if you’re also having trouble eating enough. And if you are, it’s worth making fixing that a priority.

Stimming for non-autistics?

June 14, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Can non autistics stim too or is that a term/thing reserved for autistics?

Yes, it’s common for other kinds of people too.

It’s not only autistic people who do it. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with a nonautistic person moving in ways that are common for autistic people.

It’s just that stimming tends to be really important to autistic people (and folks with some other disabilities), in a way that it usually isn’t for people without disabilities.

And here’s a thing about that:

A lot of neurotypical people like to rock or play with toys or whatever
Most NT people can sit still in a socially acceptable way without harming themselves
In particular, most NT people don’t need to stim in order to understand what’s going on around them, communicate, or prevent themselves from getting really overloaded

It’s important to keep this in mind, and to understand that stimming is really, really important for some people.

If you’re not disabled, and these kinds of motions aren’t particularly important for you, it’s probably better to call them fidgeting.

Another thing about therapy

June 6, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

A good percentage of people who need therapy only get it after repeatedly failing at things everyone around them can do. (Especially developmentally disabled children). This is often humiliating.

This means that therapy can be triggering. Therapy involves focusing on difficulties that someone has learned to regard as humiliating flaws. It’s important to keep this in mind when you give therapy.

Don’t expect someone to trust you right away. You have to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. You have to show them that you can be relied on to treat them respectfully. You have to demonstrate that you won’t ever regard them as broken, or make respecting them contingent on them progressing toward a cure.

And it needs to be true. You can’t just affect safety and kindness. You have to actually be trustworthy in a deep way, and let that show through your action.

You don’t get to decide when you have established trust; you don’t get to decide when someone receiving therapy should feel safe. It’s up to the person getting the therapy. (Even if they are a child.)

And if you understand this, you’ll be much more able to help people.

Some ways to avoid teaching children that their bodies are wrong

May 30, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

…For the not teaching disabled children that their bodies are “wrong,” what are ways to avoid that? The article described why it is bad, but what are things people can say or do when in therapy or school settings, the goal is to change or level up their abilities in some way?

I think there are several things that help.

First and foremost, you have to act as though they already have value. Part of what that means is helping them to do things they care about, and not making those things into therapy. If everything someone cares about inevitably becomes therapy, it’s hard to keep caring about things. And it undermines their ability to understand they they already have value, even without being cured. Actions speak louder than words.

For instance:

If a kid likes trains, let them do train-related things for its own sake. Don’t make everything train-related into therapy.
Don’t make everything train-related into an incentive for complying with therapy, either.
And buy them train related things without requiring them to earn them with a therapy sticker chart
Let trains be trains, sometimes. And make sure the kid can count on being able to do thing they care about.
Kids need to have interests and to pursue them.
If therapy always takes priority, that’s a problem. That sends the message that therapy, and becoming more normal, is more important than anything else.

Involve them in decisions about therapy

Parents have to make certain decisions for their minor children, especially when they are very young
But they don’t have to make all of the decisions
And even when they do have to make the decisions, they can and should listen to what their kids think
If the child understands what the therapy is for, and says they don’t think it’s worth it, consider the possibility that they are right.
And if you decide they are wrong and that you’re going to make them do it anyway, tell them why
And if a kid dislikes a particular therapist, assume there’s a good reason unless you have strong evidence otherwise. (Particularly if they don’t object to the therapy and are fine with other therapists)
And the older a kid is, the less appropriate it is to force them into therapy
Kids with disabilities need to grow up and learn to make their own decisions just like kids without disabilities do
Completely controlling their care is not conducive to their learning how to make decisions about it

Be particularly careful about surgery and painful therapy

If you’re making a kid do something painful, make damn sure you have a good reason
This goes double if the kid objects to the therapy
Because being overpowered and subjected to pain at the hands of large adults is traumatic
Sometimes it’s necessary, but it imposes a heavy price. Don’t ignore the price.
Don’t do it without a good reason
And, the older the kid is, the better the reason needs to be.
Teaching a teenager that they have no right to control what happens to their body is *really* dangerous.

Distinguish between leveling up abilities and normalization

This is hard to explain. I’m going to write more posts about it at some point

Don’t do long-term 40 hour a week therapy programs.

Kids need time to do things other than therapy
They also need space to explore and do things on their own initiative
They can’t do that if almost all of their time is spent doing therapy
And it’s ok if that means sometimes they watch the same YouTube video over and over for an hour
Or spin toys
Or sit on the floor not exercising

Make sure they know adults with disabilities

It’s hard to believe that you’re going to grow up if you never meet any adults like you
Adults with similar disabilities know things that you don’t
Even if you have similar disabilities, make sure your kids know other adults with disabilities
Kids need role models and clueful adults other than their own parents
(I’m not sure how this works for kids who aren’t likely to survive childhood. I think it’s probably still helpful, though.)

Make sure they know other kids with disabilities

Having a peer group is important
Growing up without one is really isolating
That said – don’t assume that kids will be friends just because they have similar impairments
Not all kids like each other, and that’s ok
Trying to force kids to be friends isn’t helpful

Talk about it explicitly

Kids need to know why they have therapy. And what it’s for. And what’s different about their bodies.
Kids who are disabled enough to need therapy know damn well they’re different
They don’t necessarily know that it’s not their fault, though
Or have any good language to think about it
People with disabilities are almost completely unrepresented in the media, and what little media we have is almost always dangerously inaccurate
This is confusing and disorienting, and kids look for the closest available concepts to make sense of things
For instance: Almost all kids know that bad kids get punished by being made to do things that are painful and unpleasant.
If a kid is regularly made to do things that are painful and unpleasant that other kids don’t have to do, and no one explains why, it’s really easy for them to end up thinking they’re being punished for being bad.
And they can end up thinking they’re being punished for being bad for failing to do things they’re incapable of doing
This can happen even if no one ever says this to them; but most kids with disabilities get told this more or less explicitly at some point
(Eg: by religious people who tell kids that if they prayed hard enough they’d be cured; by teachers who tell them if they just tried hard enough they could do what the other kids do)
So talk about it
Even if you’re not sure they have receptive language

Don’t teach kids that their body is wrong

May 24, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Something that can happen in therapy for disabled kids is:

People hold out hope that the kid won’t be disabled anymore, when they grow up.

So they push the kid as hard as possible in childhood, and tell them (often without saying this explicitly) that if they just work hard, their body won’t be wrong anymore.

This doesn’t work.

People who are disabled as children are usually still disabled as adults. Even if the therapy helped them. Even if they gained new physical abilities. Even if they learned things from it they wouldn’t have learned without it.

Even if they learn to walk. Even if they learn to talk. No matter what other skills they acquire. Their body is probably going to stay very different from most other people’s bodies, and far from the cultural norm.

And… part of living well as a person with a disability is accepting the body and the brain that you have, and working with it rather than against it.

Because you can’t live in an imaginary body; you can’t live in an abstraction. You have to live your own life, as you actually are. And sometimes that involves medical treatment, sometimes it involves equipment, sometimes it involves therapy – but always, it involves reality. You can’t willpower yourself into being someone else.

Disabled kids tend to get taught the opposite message, because childhood therapy is usually cure-oriented even for conditions that aren’t anywhere close to curable. It’s about normalization, much more than functioning well.

Then they go through all manner of hell unlearning this once they’re old enough that everyone gives up on pretending that a cure is going to happen.

If you’re responsible to or for kids with disabilities, do what you can to protect them from this. Make sure they aren’t being pushed to hang their self-worth on accomplishing things that are physically impossible or implausible. Help them to understand hat their bodies aren’t wrong. Teach them that they already have lives worth living.

Don’t hang your legitimacy on ideology

April 14, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This dynamic happens a lot with autistic or otherwise socially-marginalized people:

You’re not treated as fully real, for your whole life
And you don’t even realize it, because it’s pervasive. You don’t know that it’s possible to be treated as real. You don’t know this isn’t normal.

And then you discover a group of people who seem to approve of you

They’re an ideological group, and they approve of anyone who shares their ideology
And their ideology seems plausible, or valuable, or good
And it has some concepts that allow you to understand things you never understood before
And you adopt the ideology
You’re accepted into the group. In a way you’ve never been accepted before.
And they treat you more like a real person than anyone else has before
And you yourself *feel* more real than you ever felt before

And so you throw yourself into the ideology

Passionately, completely, and sincerely
And you care deeply about understanding it, and using the concepts, and doing good and right
And so you work really hard
And then, eventually, this pulls you away from the ideology
Because you learn something, or notice something, that the ideology doesn’t cover
And that makes you a heretic
And you lose your standing in the group

And then they stop treating you as real. And then you wonder if you are real, if maybe you’re just not good enough for anything. And then maybe you find another ideological group, and it repeats over and over and over. Because you think the problem is that you just haven’t found the right ideology, and that if you find the right one, it won’t fall apart.

Until you realize that, actually, you were real the whole time. And that groups that only think their members are real people are never going to solve the problem. And that when they treat anyone as non-real, it’s a threat to you, too. Because you have to think everyone is real, because everyone *is* real. And seeing people as unpeople is always destructive.

And then you realize that the world is both better and worse than you thought it was. Worse, because there’s no ideological group that will solve everything, but the awful things the ideological groups notice are often true. Better, because everyone is already real, and genuine respect between people is already possible. Because you don’t have to wait for a revolution to be a person, and neither does anyone else.

Something non-autistic folks can do to combat the Autism Awareness mentality

April 4, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

lawlandauror asked realsocialskills:

.There is a sorority at my college who’s charity is Autism Speaks. All their promotional material and events are making me really uncomfortable. I’m not autistic but I am nueroatypical. I don’t want to talk over autistic people, but I also don’t want to stay silent. What can I do in this situation?

You can sign this pledge, and urge others to do so (https://www.autismacceptancemonth.com/pledge/):

I pledge to only attend, speak at or otherwise participate in autism panels, conferences and events that meaningfully involve Autistic people. I choose not to give my business or my time to settings that fail to include Autistic voices in conversations about autism.