Tag: bad situations

Finding things you can fix when things are really wrong

Real Social Skills

ischemgeek asked:

Advice on expressing sympathy and lending emotional support to a family member whose child may be facing a serious illness? Both for the “dunno for sure” phase and for the “know for sure either way” phase. Comforting is not my strong suit and halp plz because this can’t be fixed so soothing is only way to be helpful.

realsocialskills said:

This is the second part of my answer to this question. The first part was about emotional support. This part is about practical support.

I think that there are probably some things you can fix in this situation.

The problem of possible illness can’t be fixed. Secondary problems surrounding the situation *can* be fixed.

When a child is facing a serious illness, all kinds of practical things get complicated. Diagnosing and treating illness involves a lot of medical appointments, tests, insurance wrangling, and other complications. And it happens with no warning, when people are already busy with other things. They’re probably both physically and emotionally exhausted. They probably could use a lot of help.

Some possible problems that might be solveable:

Childcare:

  • If you live nearby and are comfortable babysitting, offering to watch their kids some could be really helpful
  • If they have other kids, someone has to watch them while they’re at medical appointments with the possibly-sick kid
  • Suddenly needing more childcare than you expected to need is a logistical nightmare, and it is very likely that they don’t have as much help as they need
  • Even if they only have the one child, more childcare would probably be helpful
  • The obligations of life don’t go away when a child gets sick, and there are likely many things they’re behind on that are hard to catch up on while caring for a child

Helping kids with homework:

  • If their kids go to school, they likely have a lot of weekly homework that they need adult support with
  • This can get very complicated if parents are suddenly very busy and emotionally exhausted
  • Even if you don’t live nearby, if you can be available for some homework help over email or Skype, that could take a *lot* of pressure off of the family.

Communicating and running interference:

  • When a kid gets sick, a lot of people want constant updates
  • This is generally exhausting and burdensome to the kid and the parents
  • Sometimes it helps to have a point person for updates and boundary-assertion
  • Or someone to run a CaringBridge page so they don’t have to
  • I don’t know if they’d want this or if you’d want to do this; some people find this helpful but I don’t know what they want or what your relationship with them is like

Helping them with the insurance company and other bureaucracy:

  • If they are in the US, an insurance company is probably being awful to them and refusing to pay for things
  • Or making things needlessly complicated and confusing
  • They also might need to apply for government or charitable assistance at some point
  • Which is hard to do when you’re overwhelmed and exhausted and have never done so before
  • If you’re good at navigating that kind of thing, you might be able to help them
  • Or you might be able to do research and find out things that can help them
  • Again, I don’t know if they’d want this kind of support from you or not. Some people do; some don’t

Money:

  • Illness is expensive no matter where you live, even under ideal circumstances
  • And unexpected major expenses make life really hard
  • If you are in a position to help them financially, it would probably make some things significantly easier for them
  • Money can’t fix the biggest problem, but it can go a long way towards fixing the secondary problems

Other general life logistics: There are a lot of things that get hard when there’s a crisis, that they might welcome help with:

  • Keeping their house clean
  • Cooking some food (or ordering them the occasional pizza)
  • Mowing the lawn if they have one
  • Getting groceries and supplies
  • Picking up prescriptions
  • Getting kids to and from school
  • Keeping their computers and network in good working order
  • Making sure bills get paid on time

These are the things I can think of offhand. I don’t know which, if any, it makes sense for you to do. I don’t know the extent to which your relationship with them makes help appropriate. I think it is likely that there are things that you could do to be materially helpful — and also important to realize that you don’t have to do all of them (and probably shouldn’t).

Short version: When someone’s facing a major life problem that you can’t solve, they’re generally also facing secondary problems that it’s possible to help them with. Scroll up for some specific suggestions.

Solidarity can be better than comfort

Real Social Skills

ischemgeek asked:

Advice on expressing sympathy and lending emotional support to a family member whose child may be facing a serious illness? Both for the “dunno for sure” phase and for the “know for sure either way” phase. Comforting is not my strong suit and halp plz because this can’t be fixed so soothing is only way to be helpful.

realsocialskills said:

So, I’m going to answer this in two parts. This post is about emotional support.

I think that most people who are facing emotionally devastating situations need solidarity more than they need comfort.

One way to show solidarity is to acknowledge what’s going on, and to let them feel however they feel about it. People in awful situations often face relentless pressure to try to have a ~positive attitude~ and not be upset. This is particularly true of child illness, particularly if the illness is life-threatening, particularly if it is cancer.

This positivity narrative pressures people to think that they can somehow fix things with the power of positive thinking, and that they will somehow ruin things if they get upset or have feelings that aren’t 100% hopeful at all times. That can make things a lot harder.

People often end up feeling a lot of pressure to put on a positive and hopeful face around people who care about them. They also often face pressure to be constantly trying not to be upset. They can end up spending a lot of emotional energy taking care of the needs of people who want to comfort them.

And in reality — people facing difficult situation are going to struggle and have complicated feelings. And, in this case: People who have reason to suspect that their child is seriously ill have every right to be upset and afraid. And the last thing they need is relentless pressure to think positive and feel hopeful.

Probably the best form of emotional support you can offer is to listen without trying to make them feel better. You can acknowledge what is going on, and be someone who they don’t have to gloss over things with. You can be there with them while they feel however they feel about it. You can be someone who listens to them respectfully.

Many people facing awful situations don’t have that, and having it can make a big difference.

I wrote a while back about the importance of acknowledging that sometimes things are terrible, and also about some practical methods of listening to someone who is facing a bad situation.

Short version: If someone is facing a bad situation, trying to comfort them often backfires. It often works better to focusing on listening to them and expressing solidarity.

It’s ok to be happy

Real Social Skills

Sometimes people in abusive or damaging situations feel like they’re not allowed to be happy, or to enjoy anything.

Because, like, if you’re happy and growing, that feels like evidence that maybe the things people are doing to you must be ok. Because if the things were actually bad, you’d be miserable all the time. But, it does not actually work that way.

It’s ok to be happy and like things. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong to object to what they are doing to you or what they did in the past. It doesn’t mean things are ok. It just means that you’re finding some good things, too.