Tag: clarification

Clarifying ambiguous questions

Real Social Skills

hollywoodontap asked:

I have trouble answering questions if the asker has not given me specific details. I feel like I can’t give them what they want unless I’m told precisely what it is they’re looking for. I tend to ask questions in return before getting to an answer.

realsocialskills said:

It’s ok to need details. If asking clarifying questions is working for you, I’d keep doing that. The important thing is to communicate effectively.

Some thoughts on ways to make clarifying questions work:

There are a couple ways to ask in a general way that work for some people:

  • “I need more words”.
  • “I’m confused; can you rephrase?“
  • “That’s kind of abstract – can you be more specific?”

It can sometimes help to be more specific yourself, and offer options. Someone asking a question they think is easily understood might not know how to clarify.

Eg:

  • Jane: What do you think of the foo?
  • You: In what sense? Are you asking if I like it personally, or if I think it’s marketable? Or something else?

or:

  • Joel: What’s Applied Foo 101 like? Should I take it?
  • You: Are you asking about how hard it is, or how interesting it is, or something else?

Another possibility: Guess and then ask if you got it right:

eg:

  • Yosef: Did the thing happen?
  • You: The football game?

or:

  • Erica: Where are the things?
  • You: The supplies?

Sometimes it is better to make your best guess, then answer the question you think they’re asking:

Eg:

  • Susan: How about that foo?
  • You: Do you mean the sales statistics? If so, they’re way up this week.

or:

  • Thomas: Did you do the thing?
  • You: Do you mean my entry in the bad poetry contest. If so, I submitted that today. I’m excited for my chances this year. It was a truly terrible poem.

Short version: It’s ok to need to ask clarifying questions when someone asks you something, even if you need more details than most people need. The important thing is to communicate clearly.

A point of clarification

Real Social Skills

I’m not opposed to forgiveness.

Or to salvaging relationships in which someone hurt you.

Both can be good in a lot of circumstances. People hurt each other, and often it’s something that people can get past and fix.

It’s just that: people put a lot of pressure on people who have been hurt to forgive and/or patch things up. Even to the point of telling them that they’ll never be happy until they do.

And sometimes, forgiving is a bad idea. Sometimes attempting to patch things up would make things a lot worse.

This is a decision someone should be making for themself, and it’s important to be aware that both options exist.

Asking what things mean

Real Social Skills

 Sometimes people say abstract things that aren’t very comprehensible.

Sometimes this is because they are assuming background knowledge you don’t have.

Sometimes this is because they’re referencing something complicated, and not being clear.

Sometimes this is because they aren’t actually saying much, and are using convoluted words to sound like they are.

It is possible to ask for clarification, but not directly. You can’t say “Did you actually say anything?” But you can often get clarification with one of these kinds of questions:

  • That sounds really interesting, can you say more about it?
  • I’m not sure I understood, can you give me an example?
  • That concept sounds really great, but I’m not sure I quite got it – how does that work in concrete terms?
This frames things as you listening, wanting to understand, and asking for their help in understanding. (Which is in fact what you are doing, even if you suspect that they aren’t saying much.) This usually doesn’t offend anyone, because people like to be understood.
(That said, people do sometimes take offense, and if they start to take offense, back off right away rather than trying to explain the intent of your question. It won’t help.)