social skills nondisabled people need to learn – Page 2

Don’t teach kids that their body is wrong

May 24, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Something that can happen in therapy for disabled kids is:

People hold out hope that the kid won’t be disabled anymore, when they grow up.

So they push the kid as hard as possible in childhood, and tell them (often without saying this explicitly) that if they just work hard, their body won’t be wrong anymore.

This doesn’t work.

People who are disabled as children are usually still disabled as adults. Even if the therapy helped them. Even if they gained new physical abilities. Even if they learned things from it they wouldn’t have learned without it.

Even if they learn to walk. Even if they learn to talk. No matter what other skills they acquire. Their body is probably going to stay very different from most other people’s bodies, and far from the cultural norm.

And… part of living well as a person with a disability is accepting the body and the brain that you have, and working with it rather than against it.

Because you can’t live in an imaginary body; you can’t live in an abstraction. You have to live your own life, as you actually are. And sometimes that involves medical treatment, sometimes it involves equipment, sometimes it involves therapy – but always, it involves reality. You can’t willpower yourself into being someone else.

Disabled kids tend to get taught the opposite message, because childhood therapy is usually cure-oriented even for conditions that aren’t anywhere close to curable. It’s about normalization, much more than functioning well.

Then they go through all manner of hell unlearning this once they’re old enough that everyone gives up on pretending that a cure is going to happen.

If you’re responsible to or for kids with disabilities, do what you can to protect them from this. Make sure they aren’t being pushed to hang their self-worth on accomplishing things that are physically impossible or implausible. Help them to understand hat their bodies aren’t wrong. Teach them that they already have lives worth living.

Don’t assume you know the reasons someone needs accomodations

April 30, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

So, here’s a thing that happens:

Person with a disability: I need accommodation x.
Person with power: Oh, you have condition y! No problem!
Person with a disability actually has condition z, which needs some of the same accommodations as y, but also different ones.
But they’re afraid to correct the person with power, lest they think that the actual reason isn’t a good one, and stop being willing to do the necessary accommodation.
And they’re also afraid to ask for some of the other accommodations they need for the condition they actually have, because then they’d have to change the conversation.

For instance:

Student with an audio processing disorder: I need to sit in the front in order to understand what’s going on in class.
Teacher: Oh, because you can’t see the board otherwise! Sure, I’ll make a note of it on the seating chart and be sure not to assign you anywhere you can’t see the board.
The student is afraid to correct the teacher, because they might not think audio processing problems are a real thing. Or the teacher might feel like the student lied to them, even though the student never said anything about vision.
On a field trip, the teacher doesn’t realize that the student needs to be near the tour guide. The exhibits are large, and students gather around them and can see them equally well from any point, so the teacher doesn’t realize there is a problem.
And the student is afraid to say that there is a problem, because the teacher hasn’t shown that it is safe to do so, and has given some indication that it isn’t.

So, do not be that guy. Don’t tell people what their disability is, or what their needs are. Doing so makes it harder for people to tell you what accommodations they actually need in order to be able to participate.

Instead, ask. Don’t ask invasive personal questions, just ask what people need.

Remembering that people with disabilities have always existed

January 31, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content warning: This post talks about institutionalization in graphic terms. Proceed with caution.

Sometimes people say things like this:

“When I was a kid, no one had all these learning disabilities and syndromes!”
“We’re all so much sicker these days. I never heard of all these diseases until recently.”

And – people who say this? You know why you never met anyone like this as a child?

Because, when you were a kid, people with learning disabilities, syndromes, illnesses, etc weren’t allowed to go to your school. A good percentage of them weren’t even allowed to live in your town.

They were kept away from people like you, and kept in horrifying conditions, so that you and other more socially valued people wouldn’t have to see them or know they existed. (It’s not your fault. You were a child and didn’t know. But it was done in your name, partly.) And a lot of them did not survive childhood because they were not given the care that would have made it possible. And this isn’t over. This still happens.

(And people with disabilities are still afraid of it happening to them).

But thing are getting a bit better – or, more accurately, people who have been fighting this evil for decades are starting to win.

So, these days, many children like those who were carefully kept away from you and your peers are allowed to grow up in families. In schools. As part of their communities. Visibly. And, this means more of them are suriving childhood.

And some adults with disabilities are now treated as adults and allowed to acknowledge disability without forfeiting adulthood. Not everyone, not yet. Not enough. But some. More than there used to be, fewer than there should be.

People with disabilities have always existed. And the fact that everyone now has to notice that they exist is a dramatic improvement. It’s a good thing that you see more people with disabilities now. It means some of them aren’t brutally hidden in institutions. Your children are growing up in a better world than you did. Remember this.

About rocking

January 10, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Among other things: Rocking is body language. Rocking is emotions.

There is a slow happy!rock. And an anxiety!rock. And anger. And affection. And any number of others. And they are not the same.

And it is possible to look and understand. It is possible to learn how to read rocking, to know what it’s showing.

This is body language. Meaning shown on a body.

They tell us that we do not have body language, that we have a flat affect. And then they try to make this true; they try to flatten us and stop us from moving and showing emotional body language.

But we aren’t flat. We have body language. And rocking is part of it. (And any number of other movements. Not just rocking. But rocking is on my mind.)

I can’t tell you how to read it. Not much. Not yet. I’m trying to figure out some of the words for that. It is hard to describe body language in words, even body language that is socially valued enough that a lot of people have tried. All the more so this.

What I can tell you is that autistic movement is meaningful. Not mysterious. Not ethereal. Not in-another-world. Meaningful, present, and possible to understand.

(Not simple. Communication between people is never simple, and never formulaic. Meaningful. Complicated.)

Keep that in mind. The first step to understanding is knowing that there is something to understand.

More on restricted diets

January 8, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

Do not take food issues personally.

If someone can’t eat something, it’s not personal:

It isn’t a rejection of your hospitality
It isn’t an insult to your cooking skills
It isn’t a comment on your health, your lifestyle, or your diet

It’s also not any of your business:

Don’t expect an intimate conversation about the reasons behind the food restriction
Don’t make a big deal about it
Do not comment about weight loss
Do not offer unsolicited medical advice
Do not offer unsolicited health advice
Or unsolicited religious commentary
Or your views on vegetarianism

And especially, don’t do dangerous things:

Don’t try to trick people into eating things
Even if you think their food issue is a ridiculous phobia and that tricking them would cure it
Seriously, seriously, don’t do that
It won’t help, and this kind of thing can and does kill people
And, in any case, irrational people also have the right to say no

You do not need to agree that the person is correct about what to eat in order to interact with them respectfully. You just have to arrange for it to be possible for them to be in spaces you’re in, and for it to be predictable whether there will be anything for them to eat there.

A red flag: “I’m not that kind of person”

January 6, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Any variant of this conversation is a major red flag:

Person: Please stop doing x
Other person: I would never x! I’m not the kind of person who does x!

Or this:

Person: I’ve had problems with x in the past. Please make sure not to x.
Other person: How dare you suggest I am the kind of person who would x?!

Or this:

Person: Please x.
Other person: Of course I’m going to x! How dare you say I wouldn’t?!

Here are some less abstract examples:

Person: Please stop pulling my hair
Other person: I’m not pulling your hair! I’m just brushing it. That doesn’t hurt. I’m not the kind of person who hurts people when I brush their hair.

And this:

Person: I’ve had problems in the past with roommates eating my food. Can you reassure me that you won’t eat my food?
Other person: I’m not the kind of person who eats other people’s food. Why would you say that about me?!

And this:

Person: When are you going to pay me back the money I lent you?
Other person: I’m going to pay you back! I’m not the kind of person who neglects to pay people back!

In all of these cases, Other Person is construing a conversation about a problem, or a request to solve a problem, as an attack on their character. Most people don’t want to attack the character of others, especially on issues that aren’t quite deal-breaking, and so often, this works and gets them to drop the issue and let Other Person keep doing the objectionable thing.

There aren’t kinds of people who do bad things, and kinds of people who do good things. Everyone does bad things sometimes; it is important to be aware of this and correct problems you cause. Making everything about whether you are The Kind Of Person who does bad things prevents you from seeing and fixing your mistakes.

Acting this way is *really nasty*. Don’t do it, and don’t let others trick you with it.

About speech abilities

January 5, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people can speak easily.

Some people always have difficulty speaking.

Some people never speak at all.

Some people can speak, but at a cost that’s not worth it.

Some people are better off communicating in other ways.

Some people speak sometimes, and type other times.

Some people have words all the time; some don’t.

Some people can speak fluidly, but only on certain topics. (Just like how one can be fluent in some topics in a foreign language, but be unable to read the news).

Some people lose speech at certain levels of stress.

Some people rely on hand movements and stimming in order to find words.

Some people have a monotone and convey tone through motion.

Some people make a lot of mistakes with words, and rely heavily on tone to make themselves understood.

Some people rely heavily on scripts, and only sound normal when they stay on-script.

Some people use phrases from television.

Some people communicate by repeating themselves, and tend to be perceived as not communicating.

Some people say a lot of words they don’t understand, and are perceived as having meant them.

Some people substitute one word for another a lot, and don’t always realize it.

Some people can answer questions even when they’re having trouble initiating speech.

Some people who find speech easy sound odd.

Some people who find speech difficult sound normal.

You don’t really know how someone communicates until you’ve communicated with them substantially, and even then, you only know in the context you’ve communicated in. Appearances can be deceiving.

And it’s important to be aware that all of these things exist.

Autism awareness for aides

January 2, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

flannelfrog asked:

I recently got a job offer to be an in-school aid for a gradeschooler I know with aspergers and I’m genuinely afraid to take it because, while I have teaching experience, I’ve never been an aid before. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong and mess the kid up for the rest of his life. Do you have any advice for me?

Several piece of advice:

First, shift the way you’re thinking about this.

The problem before you is how to do right by a kid in your care. Thinking in terms of wanting to avoid doing something wrong and messing the kid up for the rest of his life is going to make it harder for you to do right by him.

You’re going to do things wrong (you’ve done things wrong in every teaching job you’ve had, it comes with the territory); and it’s going to be important for you to acknowledge and fix your mistakes. Making possible mistakes, even serious ones, a referendum on whether you are a good person, makes it a lot harder to do right by others. I’ve written about that before, here.

Treat him as a person

Almost universally, autistic people are treated as though they aren’t quite real, especially by caregivers
Often, they think of this as looking past the autism to see the real person
But the autism is part of who he is.
Don’t attribute some things to him, and others to the autism. He is real all the time.
He is a real person. Already.
Your job is not to cure him. Your job is to support him and help him to develop his abilities. Learning to do more things will not make him any less autistic, nor should it.

Do not try to make him indistinguishable from his peers

Because, seriously, what kind of a goal is that?
He’s worthwhile as a person, and he’s different from most other people, and it’s ok.
He has better things to do with his time than fake normal.
Being able to do awesome things is way better than being able to look normal while doing pointless things
It’s ok to be different.
Don’t pretend that he’s really just like everyone else, or that he will be when he grows up.
One of the most important things you can teach an autistic child is that it is ok to be autistic

Forget everything you think you know about the difference between autism and Asperger’s syndrome:

People whose diagnosis is Aspergers syndrome are autistic
Autistic people who can speak are disabled
There isn’t actually any fundamental difference
Except that people considered autistic are often seen as incapable, and people considered to have Aspergers are often seen as faking their difficulties
Assume disability and ability, and that you will have to figure out how that works for the person you’re working with

Learn how he communicates.

All autistic people have some sort of atypical communication
Some autistic people are really good at hiding it, and looking normal at the expense of understanding what is going on.
Autistic children, particularly boys, often pretend to be acting out in order to mask disability. Be mindful of this possibility.
A good percentage of the time, when autistic people repeat things over and over, they are trying to communicate something and aren’t being understood. Be aware of this, and learn how to make communication possible in this situation.
If he seems not to understand something, do not get angry and assume he’s just being defiant or lazy
Some things are really really hard to understand, even though they seem simple to people with typical development
For instance, an autistic child who has been isolated might find fiction other kids their age understand completely incomprehensible because they can’t relate to the experiences and relationships it describes

If he makes repetitive motions, assume they are important:

A lot of autistic people rely heavily on motion to think well
Or to communicate
Or to understand things
Or to find words
Or to regulate themselves.
If you prevent an autistic person from making repetitive motions, you’re probably also preventing them from doing things like understanding what’s going on, communicating, and learning self-control and interaction.
Do not value a typical affect over learning and communication.
Do not say “quiet hands” for any reason ever. (Unless you’re saying something like “people shouldn’t tell you ‘quiet hands’”)

Do not make him follow rules the other kids are allowed to get away with breaking

Because that’s unfair, and humiliating
And it also prevents peer relations
It also prevents him from learning how rules actually work, which is a vitally important skill, especially for people who are likely to spend large parts of their life subject to arbitrary decisions made by people with too much power over them

Do not confuse him about consent, and help him learn what consent is

If something is an order, do not phrase it as a request. Doing so teaches people to be incapable of saying no.
Ask a lot of questions that actually are requests, and go with what he says, even if it’s not the answer you wanted.
If he always says yes when you ask him things, assume this is because he has been taught to be incapable of saying no
Ask questions in ways that remind him that saying no is possible
Or questions in ways that don’t seem to create a compliant option and a defiant option at all.
For instance “do you want to stay inside today, or would you rather play on the swings?”
But questions that are real. Not forced choices in which each option is basically compliance.

Support him in navigating the difficult and often hateful world he lives in

Do not make him play with kids he dislikes, even if this means he doesn’t play with anyone
There are worse things than being alone. Being surrounded by people who everyone insists are nice and your friends, but who actually don’t think you’re real or treat you well is much worse than honest loneliness.
It’s possible, and likely, that there are very few kids, or even no kids at all, in his group who it is a good idea for him to spend time with
And even if you think he’s wrong about this, it’s a decision he should be making for himself (and his judgement is probably better than yours)

When kids or adults do bad things to him (and they will), you usually won’t be able to make them stop. You should tell him that what they’re doing is wrong, and that it’s not his fault.
Knowing that it’s wrong, and that others know it’s wrong, helps a lot.

Some things you should read:

Ballastexistenz From the beginning. Every post. It has a lot of fundamentally important things about power, and dehumanization, and about seeing people as real. This blog has a lot of the best things that have ever been written on this topic.
Rolling Around In My Head is also a really good blog, written by a disabled man whose professional work is supporting people with disabilities. He says a lot of things worth knowing. Also his book Power Tools is important for understanding how this power dynamic works – and your environment and training will put pressure on you not to understand it.
Loud Hands: Autistic People Speaking is a really important book about autism and the world written by insightful autistic people. Buy it and read it and understand it, and it will help you to do right by this boy and others