March 9, 2014 – Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’ve learned a lot about rape and rape culture from Tumblr, and now I want to start educating people. However, I am quite socially awkward, so I’m not really sure when and how to bring it up appropriately. Also, how do I make sure I don’t overwhelm them when it is the first time I am talking about rape culture to them? Should I arrange a campaign at my high school or should I talk one on one? Also, I don’t want to trigger anyone, how do I do that?

realsocialskills said:

Thank you for your question. It’s a really good one.

Before I say anything else, I want to say something about perspective:

Part of fighting rape culture (or any pervasive injustice) involves coming to a degree of acceptance about how awful the world is. Before you knew about pervasive evil, you might have been able to get angry and fight every time you saw something awful. That’s not going to work anymore, because rape culture is everywhere. Now that you can see it, you will notice something horrible multiple times every day.

Rape culture is as bad and outrageous as you think it is, and it’s hard to come to terms with seeing it all around you. But it’s also possible, and important, to learn how to see it without getting furious every time. You can’t go after every instance of rape culture you see with everything you have. Doing that will cost you everything you have, without putting much of a dent in the things that are wrong with the world.

Some kinds of activist perspectives make things worse. You see some of them a lot on Tumblr, but they’re not just Tumblr things. Some people will sell outrage and falling to pieces as the standard of virtue. It’s ok, and often worthwhile, to be angry. But rage isn’t the measure of how much you care about something, or how dedicated you are to fighting evil and building a better world, or how effective your work is. We all get outraged sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that, but push come to shove, it’s the work that matters. The important thing is to look for opportunities to act, and to find places where your work can be effective. Honor your anger, but prioritize your work.

I wrote a post about anger and a post about the fight that I think are relevant here.

That said about perspective and the importance of finding opportunities to act, here are some thoughts about tactics:

There are two basic faces of activism/advocacy.

Forcing people to change what they do
Convincing people to adopt your values

Both are legitimate, and important. Your work will involve both. The proportion will depend on your personal skills, opportunities, and preferences. Don’t devalue either. And, in all cases, it’s important to be realistic about what you have the power to do. You can do more when you are looking for opportunities to act than when you are assuming that your dedication will overcome every obstacle.

When you are seeking to persuade others:

Focus your attention on people who are willing to listen to you. Lecturing people who aren’t interested isn’t likely to get you anywhere. Hostile people are almost never persuaded by arguments; arguing with hostile people is almost always draining and demoralizing. The only time arguing with a hostile or uninterested person is likely to get you anywhere is when you are speaking to them for the sake of an audience that *is* listening to you seriously. You can’t reach everyone. Focus on the people you can reach.

When someone is sincerely trying to understand, speak to them respectfully. Don’t condescend to them. Don’t speak to them with contempt. Don’t tell them to go fucking google it. So long as they are actually being sincere, treat them respectfully even if it takes them a long time to understand. Keep in mind that three years ago, you didn’t know all of this either. Don’t expect people for whom these ideas are new to get it within five minutes. (And keep in mind also that you’re new at this and probably not very skilled at explaining in a way others can understand yet, and keep working on that skill.)

Some people will pretend to be interested while actually being hostile and unwilling to listen to anything you say. It’s ok to tell those people to go away. It’s ok to be rude about telling those people to go away. Sometimes it is very hard to get those people to go away; sometimes they will be very aggressive and whiny about it. It’s still ok to end the conversation. You don’t owe hostile people your attention. (Beware of spending lots of time arguing with someone about whether or not you have an obligation to argue with them. That’s a way they will suck you back in. You do not have to persuade someone that the conversation should end in order to end it.)

It’s also ok to decide you don’t want to keep trying to explain rape culture to someone anymore even if they *are* sincerely interested and being respectful about it. Activists are allowed to have boundaries, even with nice people. But if you don’t think someone’s being a jerk, don’t treat them with contempt when you set a boundary. (Eg: Something like “I don’t want to talk about this anymore”, not something like “Go away with your male tears” *unless the person you’re talking to is actually doing something wrong*.)

When you are trying to force people to change what they do:

It’s important to look for opportunities to act. You can’t force people to do things unless you have power over them. At this point in your life, the coercive power you have is probably somewhat limited, but here are things you might be able to do:

Insist that friends not tell rape jokes around you. Refuse to play Card Against Humanity with people who use it as an excuse to tell rape jokes, and say why.
If you watch children, respect their physical boundaries and insist that they respect each others’. (For instance, if a boy chases a girl and she says stop, don’t act like it’s cute. Make sure he stops. Do this regardless of the genders involved.)
Captain Awkward often writes about confronting rape culture in social situations; it’s probably worth having a read-through.

Also, there are situations in which exercising coercive power is *not* an ok way to fight rape culture, for instance:

If you are responsible for children, it is not ok to keep them isolated from mainstream culture and media in order to prevent them from adopting mainstream ideas. Kids are not world improvement objects, and they have the right to come to their own conclusions about things
If you are supporting adults with disabilities, it is not ok to install filters on their internet access, refuse to take them to places you see as supporting rape culture, or control which movies they watch
Just, generally speaking, expressing an extreme degree of control over someone else’s life is not ever an ok form of activism

Keep in mind that you already have power, and that as you get older you will probably have more. Start learning about the ethics of coercive power now, and take that seriously. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too disprivileged to have to worry about this; *everyone* has power over others that’s morally relevant; no one is exempt from having to think about their use of power.

A word about speaking truth to power

One power you have now is the power to speak up when others do not. If a teacher says something dangerously wrong and you object, it sends the message to other students that objecting to the wrong information is *possible*, even if no one else speaks up. This can be very powerful. It can also bring down the wrath of people who have a lot of power to hurt you, particularly if you are a minor and your parents aren’t on board with your activism. Don’t let anyone pressure you into or out of taking this risk; it’s a very personal choice. And in neither case are you responsible for the actions of the powerful (eg: If you decide to stay silent, it is not your fault that a teacher is spreading dangerous misinformation; if you decide to speak up, it is not your fault if they decide to punish you. Their choices are theirs and you are not responsible for them).

About a campaign at your school

I don’t know whether a campaign at your school would be a good idea or not. Some factors to keep in mind:

Do you have anyone else willing to work on it with you? If not, it’s probably better to wait until you’ve discussed this successfully with more people
Are campaigns part of the culture of your school? Does anyone respect them? If so, it might be a good idea.
One purpose a campaign might serve is to identify other people interested in this issue. A petition might also serve this purpose.
If you can get people to sign a petition with their name and email, then you have their name and email and might be able to continue talking to them and find ways of working together on rape culture

A final word about perspective:

Effective activism is a skill. It takes time and experience to get good at it. Don’t pressure yourself to be an expert right away. Just keep working on identifying and taking advantages of opportunities to act. You will get good at this with time and experience.