Real Social Skills

Knowing what you think – tools for thinking for yourself

July 6, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When I’m around people who disagree with me, I have trouble remembering that my own thoughts and opinions are valid, and I start thinking I must be wrong about whatever they disagree with me about.

Do you know any ways of getting more confident about disagreeing with people?

realsocialskills said:

To an extent, it’s a matter of practice.

Learning to distinguish between what you think and what others think depends on a few different skills. Some of them will likely take time and practice to acquire.

Some thought about what to work on:

It can help to get into the habit of noticing when your opinions change suddenly. If you’re susceptible to excessive influence by other people, it’s likely that this happens way more than you realize. Even just noticing it can make it easier to tell what’s your opinion and what’s someone else’s.

Eg, let’s say Susan and Jane are eating out together, and they’re looking at the dessert menu:

Susan: I want chocolate ice cream.
Jane: Chocolate is a disgusting flavor and it’s way too high fat. Raspberry smoothies are a million times better.
Susan: Ok, that does sound better. I’ll order that.

In that instance, Susan wanted chocolate ice cream, then suddenly changed her mind when Jane said it was bad. If Susan does this a lot, she may not even have noticed that it happened. Noticing this kind of sudden opinion change could help Susan to realize when it’s happening against her will.

That leads to another skill that can help: Remembering the question “Why?”:

If you just changed your mind suddenly, why did it happen?

Did someone say something you found persuasive?
If so, what?
Are you responding to the force of someone else’s personality?
Are you afraid?
Did you hear a new idea that sounds like it might be right?
Do you need time to think about it?
(It’s ok to not know right away.)

Asking other people “Why?”:

If someone says something, you don’t have to agree
And you don’t have to assume they have a good reason
If they’re saying something that is your business, it is ok to ask “Why?”
(Sometimes it isn’t your business and “Why?” might be a rude question. Eg, if someone says that they feel sick when they drink milk.)
(But if it’s something like: “Republicans are evil”/“Democrats are ruining America”, “Why?” is a completely ok question.)
Getting in the habit of asking for reasons can help you to understand and to think for yourself
Some other ways to ask for reasons: “What makes you say that?”, “Can you say more about that?”, “I hear a lot of people saying x, but I don’t really understand why they think that… Would you be willing to explain?”

Remembering that it’s ok to need time to think about things:

Sometimes you hear a big idea or an unfamiliar perspective and it makes things feel different
Even just knowing that someone thinks something can make the world seem different
(Or meeting someone who thinks something)
That can feel really weird and confusing or disorienting
That’s ok. It’s ok to be disoriented and need time to think. Some words that can help (either by saying them or thinking them to yourself):
“I never thought about that before.”
“I never thought about it that way before.”
“That’s interesting.”
“I’ll have to think about that.”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
“This has given me a lot to think about.”
(Sometimes it feels like people are asking you to immediately agree with them when what they’re really asking is for you to listen to them. Saying one of these things can help in that situation.)

Paying attention to fear

Sometimes people are afraid to disagree with someone else’s strongly held opinions
Sometimes it’s because they’re afraid someone will hurt them
Sometimes that’s because they’re afraid doubting someone would make them a bad person
Sometimes it’s both
It’s actually ok to think for yourself. Reflexive agreement out of fear doesn’t help things.
Even when there’s a clear right side and wrong side, it’s *still* important to think for yourself and understand things
Agreeing reflexively won’t get you the kind of understanding you need to meaningfully be on the right side of an important issue
(And you can’t know what side that is without thinking about it, anyway)
Thinking about it until you understand will make your agreement much more meaningful (and actionable)

Paying attention after the fact to what you think:

Some people have personalities that loom very large
Some people are very good at sounding right
It can be very hard to tell what you think in the presence of these people
Sometimes it may be hard to tell what you think in the presence of other people
The effect tends to wear off after you’re away from them
If you’re having second thoughts after you’re away from someone, take those second thoughts seriously
Sometimes you will have really good reasons
(And even if you ultimately end up agreeing with them, it was *still* important to take your second thoughts seriously so that you can understand for yourself)
If you know that you have that reaction to someone, try to avoid agreeing to anything binding in their presence.

Remembering “maybe”:

It’s ok not to be sure what you think
It’s ok not to be sure what you want
Saying “maybe” can be really powerful.
If you get pressured into things a lot, it might help to default to maybe
It’s usually a lot easier to say “Maybe”, or “I need to think about that” than it is to say “Yes”, and then “I thought about it and I changed my mind”.

Journaling or blogging can also help:

If you write things down, it can be easier to track changes in your opinion
It can also be really helpful as a way of processing and figuring out what you think
(Tumblr *can* be good for this, but it can also attract hostile attention that makes thinking for yourself harder. Sometime more private like Livejournal or Dreamwidth might be better.)

Another thing that can help is paying attention to how people are treating you:

Are there particular people you’re afraid of contradicting?
If, so, why?
Do they treat you badly when you contradict them?
Do they treat others badly in your presence?
Do they spend a lot of time aggressively mocking people for not understanding, for disagreeing, or for asking questions?
If a lot of people in your life act this way, thinking for yourself can be really hard.
Seeking out people who treat you and others better can help a *lot* in making it possible to figure out what you think.
Not everyone with passionate opinions or commitments is a jerk
(Related: It is entirely possible pursue justice and other important causes without being horrible to everyone who disagrees with you or has an imperfect understanding or things.)

Learning to hold on to your thoughts and sense of self is going to be hard at first. Realizing that it’s going to be hard can make it more possible. (Especially since some people are really, really skilled at making people feel that their thoughts are invalid.)

As you get more experience intentionally paying attention to what you think, it gets easier. It will still be hard and confusing sometimes, but it won’t be as hard and confusing all of the time.

Short version: It is important to think for yourself even when you’re uncomfortable or others don’t want you to. There are a lot of reasons this can be hard. There are some skills that can make it easier. Scroll up for concrete suggestions.

Using the memory you have

June 30, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have memory issues. Things like names, dates or times, directions, and other important details often escape me. Lately, I’ve been using “external memory” in the form of a notebook or my phone.

However, people tend to get impatient or bored at best when you’re constantly consulting a notebook in order to tell them what you need.

At worst, they talk over me, try to tell me what they think I want, or walk away.

How do I get people to understand?

Or should I just work on fixing my memory instead?

realsocialskills said:

A few things:

Don’t wait for better memory:

Improving memory is possible for some people; not everyone
Whether or not it’s possible for you, you need to communicate now
Communication shouldn’t wait for cognitive changes
It’s important to make strategies that work with the cognitive abilities you have now

Meanwhile, you might be able to make some of your external memory faster. Here are a few possible ways of doing that:

Write things on your hand or a wrist band:

Looking at your hand only takes a second
This might work well for remembering what food you want to order, or what you want to buy
Or in general terms what you wanted to talk about
There are also disposable paper wristbands you can buy to put notes on
That works similarly, without having to write stuff on your hand

Put some information on your phone’s lock screen, eg:

Write something in your notes app
Take a screenshot
Make that screenshot your lock screen wallpaper
This means the information is available immediately once you get out your phone

Cheat sheets:

If there are things you consistently need to know but can’t remember, making pages with that information and putting them in particular places might help
Eg, for remembering what a store has
Or remembering what questions you’re likely to be asked
Or lists of people who are likely to be in particular places

Optimizing your notebook:

Eg: If there is information you need frequently, it might be worth putting it on dedicated pages with color-coded tabs
It also might be worth using something like a three-ring binder so that you can put information you need soonest at the front
Or even *on* the front, if you get a three-ring binder that has a space to put in a cover sheet on the front

Communication boards or apps:

Using communication boards or a picture-based AAC app might help too
Communication aids aren’t just for generating speech, they can also be for cognitive prompting reminding you what it’s possible to say
Making pages for particular situations might help you to communicate faster
You’d still have to open the page, but it might result in less hunting around for information once you get there
Having a page with a few options might make it easier to remember and process things
Associating images with things you’re trying to remember might make them easier to remember
If you keep the symbols in a consistent place and touch them some while you communicate, muscle memory might also help you to remember things
(Even practicing with boards in private without using an app to communicate directly might make it possible to use muscle memory to prompt yourself)
Proloquo2Go might work well for this
(Or maybe even something like Custom Boards, although that uses more childish symbols and that could be a problem)

It also might help to be more open about your memory difficulties:

Sometimes being open about how bad your memory is can help
If you don’t tell people what you’re doing, they might not be able to tell the difference between using external memory and ignoring them
(Especially if you’re looking at a phone; they might think you are facebooking or something)
They also might be trying to help, and might not realize that it’s being anti-helpful
If you tell people what’s going on and what would help you, *some* people will do the right thing
(Not all. But enough that it’s often worth it)
That also can allow you to ask people things that you don’t remember

Eg:

“I’m sorry, my memory is bad — could you remind me who you are?”
“Give me a second — I need to check my notebook.”
“I don’t remember when that’s happening — I need to check my calendar on my phone.”
“I actually get really confused when people try to tell me what they think I want — I’ll be able to find it faster if I check my phone”.

Also, if you’re approaching people and they’re walking away, it might help to change the order in which you do things to make it go faster from their perspective, eg:

Get out your notebook
Turn it to the right page
Put your finger on the piece of information you need to remember
Then go up to them and ask for help

Short version: If you have memory issues and rely on external memory aids, there may be things you can do to use them more quickly.

A thought on making difference ok

June 28, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

One issue with accommodations and modifications in school, is that it can often be hard to avoid stigma. Kids don’t usually like being singled out or doing things conspicuously differently. Also, nondisabled kids often resent it when disabled kids are allowed to do things that they are not allowed to do.

Further, one frequent objection to accommodations is “but if I let one kid do this, then all the other kids will want to.”

Sometimes that’s true — and, often, the best solution to that problem is to just let all the kids do whatever the thing is. Sometimes there’s no good reason to restrict access to something. Sometimes changing the rule works better than making exceptions to it.

One way that something works to correct this problem is to make some of their accommodations available to other kids who would like to try them. The kid who has a documented need for accommodations probably isn’t the only one who would benefit from them.

And even aside from that, it’s good for kids to explore the world and experiment with different ways of doing things. This is a good way to learn that difference is normal, and that doing things differently is a basic fact of life.

For instance, if one kid needs to use manipulatives for math, maybe try making manipulatives available to all the kids.

If one kid needs a large print worksheet, maybe make a few large print copies and let kids try doing it that way.

If one kid needs to chew stuff, maybe make things available for other kids to chew.

If one kid needs to use fidget toys, maybe make them available to all the kids who would like to try it.

If one kid needs to type, and you have the resources to make that available to other kids too, maybe let them try doing assignments that way. And let the kids that works better for continue to do it.

And, beyond that, it helps to get in the habit of providing different ways to do things even when there isn’t a kid who needs them as a specific accommodation.

Not in the sense of “take a walk in the disabled kid’s shoes”, this is not a disability simulation. The point shouldn’t be empathy building, and it should not be presented as being about the disabled kid. The message is “there are a lot of legitimate ways to do things, and it’s ok to experiment and figure out what works for you, even if most people don’t do it the same way as you”.

You can’t always do this, and you can’t always do this for everything. When you can, it helps, a lot.

keeping your privacy in the aftermath of a suicide attempt

June 23, 2015September 12, 2024 Real Social Skills

fenisoffended asked:

I’m visibly disabled as the result of a suicide attempt. Do you have any advice on how to respond when people ask what happened?

I think it’d be uncomfortable to tell casual acquaintances or strangers etc that I attempted suicide, but I don’t really know what else to say other than a flat-out lie.

(It was an overdose, so saying the cause without mentioning suicide would also make people uncomfortable and they might think less of me)

realsocialskills said:

I think there are three basic approaches that allow you to keep your privacy without lying:

Tell a partial truth
Use humor to deflect the question
Say that you don’t like to talk about it

Telling a partial truth works by saying something that is true or true-ish, doesn’t cause their mind to jump to suicide, and (ideally) doesn’t invite further questioning. Some possible phrases along these lines:

“It’s an old injury”.
“I’m used to it.“

If you want to use humor to deflect it, one way to do it is to tell an absurdly obvious lie, eg:

“I lost a fight with a penguin”.
“You know how they say not to look directly at the sun? They’re right.”
“Alien abduction.“

Absurdly obvious lies mean (and are at least sometimes understood to mean) “I don’t want to talk about this, and I’m giving you a way to drop the subject without having to state explicitly that you asked an inappropriately personal question.” There’s an affective piece of how to pull this off that I’m not sure how to describe. It requires a certain tone of voice and body language.

You can also say explicitly that you don’t like to talk about it.

Bodies are personal and you have no obligation to answer questions about yours
If you say that you don’t like to talk about it, it’s best to follow that up with an immediate subject change
(If you follow it with a pause, some people will reflexively try to fill the pause by asking why you don’t like to talk about it)
It might work best to keep your tone polite and friendly at first, and then get more firm if they push the issue

eg:

Them: So, how did your face get to be like that?
You: I don’t really like to talk about that. How about that local sports team we both like? Can you believe they lost to that team we all hate?

Other things that mean “I don’t want to talk about it”:

“That’s a long story.” (plus immediate subject change)
“That’s kind of private.” (plus immediate subject change)

None of these are foolproof, but they all work at least some of the time.

Short version: If you don’t want to talk about something, telling a boring truth, an absurd obvious lie, or saying you don’t want to talk about it are all sometimes effective methods.

Taking a troubleshooting approach

June 21, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This post is my answer to a scout leader who asked a question about my objection to describing things pejoratively as “attention seeking behavior”.

justmethesecond asked:

Hey, you made a recent post about attention seeking behaviors and how there are a lot of normal things that involve seeking attention.

But I have a question, as I staff at scouting and we have some kids that do demand personal attention when that is inconvenient or impossible for us to give (such as in a group activity, when you have ½ adults on 20 kids)

To elaborate a little bit further, the behavior things I am talking about are mostly kids that talk individually back at you when explaining things to a group (or in other ways, such as crying or trying to play (physical) games with you).

These types of behavior aren’t bad but they do sometimes limit our ability to explain things to a group of people.

And I was wondering how to deal with that?

realsocialskills said:

A couple of things:

There is no generalized way to deal with that. It depends on the situation.

Part of what you need to do is identify the problem more specifically:

Attention seeking isn’t the problem in itself
The problem is that the group activity isn’t working
Part of the problem *might* be that some kids need to learn what’s appropriate and what isn’t
Part of the problem *might* be that kids are being willfully disruptive and need to know that you won’t tolerate it
The problem might be something else entirely, and almost certainly has components that aren’t “that kid has a behavior problem” or “that kid is attention seeking”
There are a lot of possibilities, and I’ll get to some of them later in this post

Here’s why you shouldn’t call this “attention seeking behavior”:

“Seeking attention” is not an objective description of behavior; it’s a very vague theory about why someone might be doing something.
There is no such thing as generic “attention seeking behavior”
From your perspective, everything that annoys you by getting your attention when you don’t want to, can’t, or shouldn’t pay attention may feel the same
But it’s *not* all the same from the perspective of the kids who are annoying you
They’re doing what they’re doing for reasons, and the reasons are specific and individual.
(And they may or may not have anything at all to do with attention)
Eg: A child may be crying *because they’re upset*, and it might not be about you at all. They may in fact find the crying humiliating and be hoping that no one notices.
A child who is trying to play a game with you isn’t just generically trying to get attention. They’re trying to play a game. Which they may be doing for any number of reasons
A child who talks to you during the announcements might be trying to give input, ask a question, focus their attention, or any number of other things
Don’t collapse all of that into “attention seeking” as if it’s all the same.

Here are some troubleshooting tips:

Consider whether your expectations are age-appropriate:

Little children have a short attention span
They can’t sit and listen very long
They can’t wait very long for a turn to do something active
If you’re having problems with multiple kids, it’s very likely that you’re asking them to do something that they’re really too young for
If you’re asking kids to attend for longer than is reasonable for kids their age, *you’re* the one who is inappropriately seeking out attention when it’s not possible
(And just like you’re not doing it maliciously, kids who are disruptive are probably not doing it maliciously either)
It might be time to change how you do announcements and activities

Make sure the group knows your expectations:

It’s easy to assume that kids know the rules when they don’t
Things that are obvious to adults are not always obvious to children, especially young children
Kids are not born knowing how groups work
And different groups have different rules
Don’t assume that kids *know* that they’re not supposed to talk individually back at you when you’re addressing a group (there are actually environments where that’s allowed)
Don’t assume that kids *know* you’re not supposed to try to play side games or whatever
It can help to have a group conversation about rules
It’s particularly helpful if you get the kids’ input about the rules in that conversation
It’s likely that kids know things you don’t about what needs to be spelled out explicitly
And also things you don’t about what the rules need to be
Don’t do this as a punishment. Do this as a group conversation about rules. If it’s well into the year, you can say something like “So we realized that we forgot to set rules for the group. This week we’re going to start by setting the rules together.”
Many of the kids in your group will have done an exercise like this before; it’s a fairly common thing to do with kids
(Be careful though, don’t say things like “but you agreed to these rules!”. This isn’t really an agreement. This is you setting rules from a position of authority, and getting some input from kids about what the rules should be.

Redirect:

If you’re not saying in the moment that something is a problem, it’s important to start doing that
If you don’t object, some kids might be assuming you’re ok with it
Don’t be mean, but do speak up, eg:
“You can ask questions when I finish talking”
“I can’t play with you right now”.
It also helps if you can phrase it by telling them what you *do* want them to do, eg:
“Try and tag someone. I bet you can tag (specific kid).”.
If kids have trouble telling when it is and isn’t ok to talk, try having an object that someone holds when it’s their turn to talk.

Talk to the kids who are having trouble individually:

Talk to them about what’s going on (out of earshot of other kids)
Talk to them about why some of the things they’re doing are a problem
They might actually not know — no one is born knowing how to act in a group, and some kids need to have it explained explicitly
Even if you’ve had a group conversation about rules, it’s possible that they don’t get it
Or that they can’t follow the rules as they stand
It’s important to ask them what they think is going on
And if there’s a reason it’s not working for them
And if they have ideas about solving the problem
Kids don’t always know, but sometimes they do
And knowing that you care makes a difference

Parents also might be able to help you:

Parents (usually) know their kid better than you do
This is particularly true of elementary-aged kids
Most parents want to help their kids
Most parents have at least half a clue about what is helpful to their kids
Don’t use calling parents as a punishment
Do talk to parents when there’s a problem in your group and you don’t know what to do about it
(Be more cautious about this with older kids; teenagers have a developmental need for more privacy)
(Also be cautious about this if you suspect abuse. Talking to parents who are likely to be harshly punitive is not likely to make things better)
Say explicitly that this is not a punishment and that you’re asking for help
They will likely have helpful suggestions
(Not always; some parents are unreasonable. But a lot of parents are very helpful, if you listen to them).
Don’t assume parents are right; do listen to them. They often know things you don’t.

Ask for advice from a teacher:

Teachers spend all day working with groups of kids
Not all of them are good at it; but some of them are
Good teachers will know things you don’t about how to make activities and announcements work
If you know a teacher who you respect, ask them for advice
Ask these questions specifically:
“I’m having trouble with some kids in the scouting troop I’m running. Could I ask you for some advice?”
“Is this something that’s reasonable to ask of kids this age?”
“Do you have any advice about how to manage this problem in a positive way?”
“Do you know about something else that works well?”
Listen to what they say and consider why they’re saying it, but ultimately trust your own judgement. You are the one working with kids directly, and you’re the one who is ultimately responsible. Don’t do something that you think is wrong.

Google resources for teachers:

There are a *lot* of resources for teachers on the Internet
Most things that are relevant for teachers are also relevant for scout leaders
You can google activities for kids the age you work with, then consider which things on the lists are likely to work for kids you work with
Positive classroom management is also a good thing to google (particularly for the age you work with)
Not all teacher resources are good; seek out information, and use your own judgement about which advice to take

Consider the possibility that your environment is causing pain:

Scouting often takes place in physically uncomfortable outdoor environments
That may be intolerably painful for some of your kids
Are they being painfully bitten by bugs? If so, do they have bug spray? Are they using it? Is it working?
Are they getting sunburned? If so, maybe you need to change the procedure for making sure that all kids put on sunscreen.
Is the sun shining painfully into their faces?
Are they inhaling campfire smoke?
Are they sitting in a painful position?
Sitting cross-legged on the ground or floor is physically painful for some kids
(Likewise sitting on benches with no back support)
It might be that they’re trying to do things that will get them out of that position
If you suspect that this is a problem, try having kids sit in chairs and see what happens
Or try sitting around a table kids can lean on and see what happens
This is particularly likely to be the case for older kids or heavier kids
Positions often become intolerable as kids get bigger
It also might help to alternate between sitting activities and standing or moving activities in shorter intervals so that kids aren’t sitting as long

Are they hungry or thirsty?

Often when kids are disruptive, it’s because they’re hungry or thirsty
At certain ages where kids are growing rapidly, they’re hungry a *lot* of the time
Kids won’t necessarily realize that enough to ask
And they also may have been taught that asking is pointless because no one cares whether they are hungry or thirsty
Being proactive about this might help
Try making water easily available without kids having to ask for it (eg: by requiring them to carry water bottles)
If you’re not already doing a snack at the beginning of the meeting, try doing that
If you are already doing that, try making it something more substantial
Low calorie snacks suitable for adults who are trying to lose weight are *not* good snacks for the purpose of feeding hungry children
(Eg: celery sticks are not a good snack to get growing kids through a scout meeting; celery sticks with peanut butter might be. A handful of pretzels is not a good snack; cheese sticks might be.)
If you’re on a camping trip or something, you may need to feed the kids more often than you realize
If this is a problem, it’s probably *also* a problem for the kids who *aren’t* disruptive, so don’t just do this for the disruptive kids. Assume that all of the kids may be hungrier and thirstier than you realize

Don’t be mean:

If something feels mean, don’t do it
If you’d think it was mean if someone did it to you, don’t do it
If something is humiliating toward a kid, don’t do it
Don’t punish kids in front of other kids
It’s ok to say something like, “Not now” and redirect
It’s not ok to yell, or say something like “I’ve told you this over and over, why don’t you get it?”
(If you need to take a kid out of an activity and talk to them about it, have the conversation out of earshot of other kids)
Don’t have a big reward event and exclude some kids from it

Some kids need 1:1 support:

Some kids need a lot of help to do some things
If that’s the situation, the problem isn’t that they’re misbehaving
The problem is that they need more support than they’re getting
This may or may not be a problem you (or their parents) can solve
But it is something that should be on the table as a possibility for some kids
A caution about that: Sometimes people leap to the assumption that any kid they’re having trouble with needs a 1:1, and it’s usually not true.

Sometimes the solution is to change the activity.

No amount of clarifying rules and expectations will help if you’re asking a kid to do something they’re not capable of doing.
Or if you’re routinely asking them to do something that is extremely difficult and only barely possible for them
Or if you’re asking them to routinely do something they find actively distressing
If there are insurmountable barriers to a kid participating in an activity, then the activity probably needs to change
Some kids need to be actively doing something in order to pay attention
Some kids need attention in order to pay attention
A kid having these needs is not a behavior problem; it’s a support need

Thoughts on changing activities:

Some activities require a lot of turn-taking, passive listening, and waiting
Those are not great activities for kids who need a lot of feedback in order to know what to do
They’re also not great activities for kids who need to be actively participating in order to focus
If you have kids in your group who have that need, it is likely a good idea to switch to doing activities in which everyone is actively doing something most of the time
For instance:
Red Rover probably won’t work well with kids who have trouble with passive waiting
And a circle activity in which only one person at a time does something is likely to be even worse
Games in which everyone is actively playing, like tag or Simon Says, are likely to work much better
This is also true of group conversations:
Long conversations with a big group require a lot of passive listening. That’s a problem for kids who need to be active in order to focus
Having kids discuss things in small groups or with a partner might work better

Sometimes you can change an activity by creating a way for kids who’re having trouble a way to focus:

Eg: Kids who have trouble in groups might be able to focus if they take notes
Or if they have a fidget toy to fidget with
Or if they have a specific task (ie: if everyone is supposed to be preparing a campfire and they’re climbing on you, it might help to ask them to gather wood from a particular area)
A caution about this: Don’t use this as a reward or as a punishment.
Don’t assume any particular approach will work. Don’t single a kid out over their objections. (eg: If a kid doesn’t want to take notes or use a fidget toy, don’t make them just because someone on the internet says this helps some kids)
Sometimes minor modifications work; sometimes they don’t. When they don’t work, it’s time to try something else.

This isn’t an exhaustive list — there are a *lot* of things worth trying and thinking about. The important thing is to take a troubleshooting approach and to keep trying to identify and solve the actual problem.

Short version: Sometimes when you’re responsible for kids, they do stuff you don’t like. This is often treated generically as “attention seeking behavior”, but it shouldn’t be. Kids have much more diverse and complex motivations than that. Instead of calling it “attention seeking”, or ignoring them, adopt a troubleshooting approach to the problem. Taking a troubleshooting approach is much more likely to enable you to identify and solve the actual problem. Scroll up for some specific troubleshooting suggestions.

Not being believed

June 17, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This is a post about ABA, and not being believed about the harm ABA does.

A reader asked:

People don’t believe me when I say I was a victim to ABA abuse, not even my parents.

I was misgendered routinely, I could not drink water even though this was harmless and was often asked to write my name even though this was effectively pointless.

How should I convince people I was really abused?

Am I just whining and should I “get over it” because that’s not “real abuse” and I’m not autistic?

realsocialskills said:

It’s not your fault that therapists hurt you. It’s not your fault that people don’t believe you. What people did to you matters, even if no one believes you.

ABA is degrading on a level that it can be very hard to recover from or even describe. The basic methodology of ABA is finding out what you care about most and using it to get compliance with arbitrary demands.

I’ve written some here and here and here about the kind of damage that does, and that’s only scratching the surface.

Increasingly, one of the things behavior therapists demand is that you pretend that they’re not controlling you. They often go so far as to demand that you act like you like what’s happening and believe that it’s both necessary and enjoyable. And they do that even as they make you do obviously pointless things (like writing your name over and over), and even as they do obviously awful things to you (like denying you water and misgendering you).

That kind of thing can mess with your mind really badly, especially when you’re surrounded by people who don’t believe you.

It’s not your fault that people don’t believe you. They can refuse to acknowledge what people did to you; you can’t make it go away. It matters even if no one around you cares.

You will probably always have to deal with people who don’t believe you. Most people are reluctant to believe that therapists ever hurt people in ways that matter, and ABA has a particularly effective publicity machine. Some people will say that you’re whining, that you’re lying, and that the things you’ve described don’t happen. They’re wrong. It matters that people hurt you in the name of helping you. It’s horrible that people who you should be able to trust don’t believe you.

Some of them may eventually come to understand. Sometimes people come around, in the long term. But you don’t have to wait for that in order to be ok, you don’t have to explain it to them if you don’t want to, and what happened to you matters whether or not people believe you.

Also… You are not alone. What happened to you shouldn’t happen to anyone. There is a community of people who know that it’s wrong to treat people that way. Making connections with people who believe you might help a lot.

It’s much easier to hold on to your perspective if you’re not doing it alone. This is hard. It’s also possible. You’re ok.

Short version: Abuse matters even if no one believes you. That said, making connections with people who believe you can help a lot. You are not alone, even if really important people in your life don’t believe you.

Relieving childcare pressure without watching kids

June 16, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

chartreuse-chasmophilous asked

There’s a problem in my family: my cousin and his wife are in quite a tight spot (little kid, both work full-time, even overtime sometimes, not a lot of money), and receive little to no support from my cousin’s parents.

As my mum (his aunt) was always really close to him, we often help them instead, both with money and babysitting (esp during the holidays). I’d like to help them as well, but I’m rubbish with kids (she’s four and very hyperactive). Is there another way for me to support them?

realsocialskills said:

Probably.

I don’t know them, so it is hard for me to say what they need help with.

The best way to find out might be to ask them, possibly by saying something like: “I’m not comfortable watching children, but I’d really like to find other ways to support you. Is there another way I could be helpful?”

That said, asking an open-ended question might not make it possible for them to tell you what they did. Open ended questions don’t tell them much about what you are and aren’t ok with. If you don’t know what someone is likely to feel comfortable helping with, it can be really hard to ask for help.

So it might be better to offer something specific.

You may be able to help with childcare needs indirectly:

People who have young kids and no childcare have to take their kids with them to a lot of places
That makes a lot of errands take longer
It also makes them more draining for both the parent and child
Eg: Parents who have no childcare have to bring their kids to the grocery store
At best, this means that grocery shopping takes longer because they have to supervise their kid and shop at the same time
And they have to bring their kid even if their kid is too tired to tolerate it well
Then the kid is miserable, and the parent has to deal with caring for a miserable (and probably uncooperative) kid in a public place while judgmental strangers stare at them
And it’s likely that both parent and child will be upset even after the errand is over
And it can interfere with sleep and make the next day difficult as well
If you can do some of their grocery shopping for them, that can relieve childcare pressure without you having to watch any kids

Some other things that might help to relieve childcare pressure:

Picking up their mail
Picking up their prescriptions when they or their child is sick
Dropping off things that they need transported
Being at their house for the plumber/cable company/etc so that they don’t have to take off work (which means they have more time off available to deal with child-related things)
Household tasks that are difficult to accomplish with children who need close supervision (eg: mowing the lawn if they’ve got one)

When people keep asking why you don’t have kids

June 7, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’ve had a hysterectomy and I live in a region where it’s very odd (like, statistical outlier odd) for a woman not to have kids by my age.

So it’s fairly common for people to continue to harass me about why I don’t have kids and not take any of the polite attempts at diverting the subject as hints to leave me alone until I tell them the truth.

Then when I tell them the truth they get mad and say that it’s too much information. Any advice for dealing with this?

realsocialskills said:

It might help to be direct about saying it’s a personal question.

I’m not sure how your conversations are going. I’m getting the sense that they might be something like this:

Them: So, why don’t you have kids yet? When are you going to have them?
You: Nice weather we’re having. But it’s summer and so it will probably rain soon. Do you think it will cause flooding again?
Them: Oh, probably. It usually does. But what about kids? Are you seeing anybody? Fertility doesn’t last forever.
You: So, I have this great new recipe for a seven-layer congealed salad.
Them: Children are a blessing. Life really can’t be complete without them.
You: That may be true, but I had a hysterectomy, so it’s not happening. Now can we please talk about something else?
Them: Why would you tell me something like that?!

It might help to add a warning layer before you tell them the truth. One possible layer: Saying it’s personal and that you don’t want to talk about it, then an immediate subject change:

“That’s awfully personal. I don’t like to talk about this.”
“That’s private medical information.”

Another possible layer: Asking rhetorical questions that warn them that they might not actually want an answer. This can make it harder for them to blame you, and more likely that they’ll back off:

“Do you really want the gory medical details?”
“That’s a very personal question. Do you really want to ask that?”
“Are you sure you want an answer to that?”

Another possibility: Answering the question in a way that’s a bit less graphic but still gets the point across:

“It just hasn’t been in the cards.”
“I can’t have children.”
“I’m sterile.”
“It’s not medically possible.”

If you’re in the South, there are some nuances about how to make people feel bad about asking inappropriate questions that I don’t really understand. (Which is part of the reason I don’t live there anymore.) It’s mostly a matter of affect. I know that it involves inserting a certain kind of pause and icy body language that tells someone they’ve crossed a line, but I don’t know how to do it or describe it well. If anyone who is better at that wants to weigh in, that would be welcome.

Short version: If your attempts at subtly deflecting intrusive questions are failing, it can help to more explicitly say that the question is too personal and that you don’t want to answer it.