Trust is never guaranteed

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Way to regain trust after losing it?
realsocialskills answered:
First and foremost, you have to accept that you might not get the trust back. When you’ve lost someone’s trust, it’s their decision whether or not they ever want to trust you again.
Nothing you do can guarantee that they will ever trust you again.
But, what you can do is work on being trustworthy. Whether or not this person ever trusts you again, it’s worth doing and will help you to treat others better and maintain good relationships.
Respect that person’s boundaries.
  • If they’ve asked you not to contact them, don’t. (Not even to apologize).
  • If they’ve asked you to avoid particular methods of contact (eg phone), don’t use them
Understand what you did.
  • If the person wants to tell you, listen
  • If they don’t, think about it on your own
  • (Actually, think through it even if they do want to tell you; you have to develop your own understanding; repeating what they say and apologizing isn’t enough.)
  • You can get a lot of understanding by thinking
  • If there are things you can read relevant to what happened, that can also be helpful
Apologize if apologies are welcome.
  • But do not do this if they have told you not to contact them
  • And do not do it with an expectation that this means they will forgive you and trust you again
  • Apologies can be important, but they aren’t magic
  • And they’re particularly not magical incantations which make people trust you
  • What they do is communicate that you know that you did wrong, and that you care about not repeating that mistake
  • That isn’t necessarily going to be enough; whether it is enough is ultimately their decision
  • But it’s still a worthwhile message
  • And knowing that you understand what you did wrong sometimes does make it possible for people to trust you again
If you have personal demons that are making it hard for you to act ways that make it safe for others to trust you, work on addressing that:
  • Do not explain this to the other person in order to deflect criticism or downplay what you did.
  • They are not responsible for helping you to get past the things that are currently making you unsafe for them to be around
  • But do recognize it as a contributing factor and do what you can to fix it
  • Some common examples:
  • Having trouble being honest about your boundaries
  • Being hurt and angry when your friends don’t do what you want them to do
  • Finding it emotionally threatening when your friends have significant bonds with other people
  • Finding criticism and conflict unbearably threatening to your self image
  • Disability shame. If you’re trying to avoid facing your disability or mental illness, it’s hard to accurately predict what you can and can’t do. It can also be hard to be honest with others, and this can cause a lot of relationship problems.
  • None of these things mean you’re doomed, but they might mean you have what to work on

If you have access to a safe and insightful therapist, it might be worth considering getting professional help:

  • Therapy is not a viable option for everyone
  • It is also not a magical solution. Going to therapy will not, in itself, make you trustworthy. It’s one method of support that can help you find ways forward
  • If therapy is not a viable an option for you, you are not doomed; you can still work on learning how to be ok and treat others right
  • But for some people, therapy can make this much, much easier
  • If you think that might be the case for you, look into it

Supporting kids who are below grade level

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m a reading tutor for kids who are below grade level. This is a Title 1 school, which means poverty and the parents don’t speak English. The kids in my program do. I have a lot of discipline problems, ie, kids refuse to come in from recess to come to the program, kids being disruptive in group sessions. We don’t get the kids who are DIAGNOSED severely disabled. They’re all in grades 2-5.

So, what should I  be doing to get kids who don’t want to come in from recess to come in? So far, a sticker/star reward system is helping the group sessions, but some kids still call out, interrupt me and other kids, and won’t write answers unless I tell them what to write.

Any suggestions?

realsocialskills said:

Someone I know who does remedial reading has had success with some of these things:

Using computer or iPad reading games

  • Some kids who associate books with humiliation and failure don’t have the same association with computer-based things
  • But if you’re going to do this, make sure the games you pick are actually fun
  • It doesn’t work if it’s exactly like the thing that’s miserable for them off the computer
  • Particularly if it’s just a simulated standardized test

Having kids read plays together

  • This can work well as a group activity,
  • Particularly since all the kids are involved even when it’s not their turn to read
  • Some kids who don’t like taking turns reading stuff *do* like taking turns reading parts in a play
  • Also, again, it’s something they’re much less likely to associate with failure and humiliation
  • You can get books of kids plays that are designed for various reading levels

Use books with positive representation of kids like them:

  • Far, far too many kids books are about rich white kids
  • If all of your books are about rich white kids, you can end up inadvertently sending the message that you don’t respect your students (especially if you are white, but even if you are not)
  • Or that reading is rich and white
  • Having books that have poor kids, disabled kids, and kids of color can make a big difference
  • Particularly if they are good books
  • Particularly if they are books written by people from the same culture as the kids you teach
  • Immigrant kids come under *tremendous* pressure to assimilate and reject the cultures they came from
  • And it’s worth making an effort to make sure that what you do isn’t part of that

Do what you can to make it a safe space for kids who are struggling:

  • Do not let kids make fun of other kids
  • Do not have competitions between kids
  • Do not laugh at mistakes, even if they’re funny
  • (But do let kids laugh at *your* mistakes, even if they’re not funny)
  • Praise people for trying, not just succeeding
  • Because being willing to try over and over until you do something successfully is important
  • And for kids who have been humiliated for failing, it can be really important that you explicitly respect their efforts

Sometimes it helps to modify things in a way that work with rather than against kids’ behavior:

  • If kids are calling out, make a lesson where that’s *supposed* to happen
  • Have some time where you tell kids what to write and that’s ok
  • (And where if kids decide to not write what you tell them and to write something else, that’s also ok)
  • I can’t think of more examples offhand, but I know that this is something that people do successfully
  • Remember that the point is getting kids to learn, not getting them to obey you
  • (You do have to control the classroom to an extent – but it’s worth avoiding avoidable power struggles, and modifying your approach when kids refuse to cooperate with your initial plan isn’t a failure )

But also, are kids being pulled out of recess in order to go to extra lessons? That strikes me as inherently likely to end poorly. If that’s what’s happening, is there any way you can pull the kids out of something else instead?

“No one would do that!”

Real Social Skills

This happens a lot:

  • Someone is regularly subjected to a particular injustice or kind of social violence
  • They would not do that particular thing to a different group they aren’t part of
  • and are under the mistaken impression that *no one* would do that thing to members of that group
  • And then they reference that in their advocacy in ways that hurt that group

For instance:

  • “No one would say it’s ok to say the n-word, why does anyone still think it’s ok to call someone a f*g?”
  • This is bad, because racists call black people the n-word all the time. That word hasn’t gone away, and it’s not ok to ignore the harm it still does. 
  • “No one would ever tell someone with a physical illness that they just need to get over it, think positive, and stop taking medication. Stop doing that to people with mental illness.”
  • This is bad because people, including some doctors, teachers, and others with power do exactly that to people with disabilities and chronic illnesses. (Especially if they’re also fat, people of color, poor, or also have mental illnesses). And it’s not ok to pretend that this doesn’t happen.

Chances are, the thing you’re thinking of also happens to the group you’re thinking of. It’s a lot better to avoid those kinds of comparisons.

“I can’t” is an important phrase

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

… I think it’s more empowering to say “I decided to stop” than to say “I can’t”. It’s OK to stop when there’s still a tiny chance that you might have been able to succeed.

realsocialskills answered

There are different reasons why people decide to stop doing things.

One reason is that they reach the conclusion that they probably aren’t capable of doing the thing. Probably

That’s different than reaching the conclusion that they don’t want to do it, or that it’s not worth doing, or that they’d rather do something else.

Actually this reminds me of something I’ve seen – often disabled kids who can’t do something will pretend that they’re refusing to do the thing. And that they’re refusing to do the thing on purpose in order to provoke the teachers. When everyone involved thinks that’s what’s happening, things can get really bad really quickly.

(Particularly if the thing is something like a kid going nonverbal and pretending that they’re refusing to speak and are just making animal noises to be rude).

Inability to do things is real, and it’s important for people to know their limits and take them seriously.

Acknowledging limits makes it much more possible to do things than pretending not to have any.

Ignoring reality isn’t empowering.

And it’s legitimate to say “I can’t” when what you mean is “it’s possible that I might technically be able to do it, but it’s risky and dangerous, and I couldn’t function if I took that kind of risk routinely”.

(This is in fact a meaning of “can’t” used by people without disabilities all the time.)

“I can’t” vs “I decided not to”

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
When people say “I can’t” I’ll sometimes encourage them to say “I decided not to” or something instead. Nobody can predict the future, so maybe nobody can know for sure whether somebody would be able to do something if they tried some more times. However, a person has a right to decide to stop. They may judge that it’s so unlikely they would succeed that it’s not worth trying; and doing it may not be worth a tremendous amount to them. I also have a right to my opinion that maybe they can.
realsocialskills answered:
You have a right to your opinion, but you don’t have the right to have them respect your assessment of their abilities. You especially do not have the right to have them take your opinion into consideration when they’re deciding what they can and can’t do.
Inability to do things is real. And yes, I may sometimes be wrong about my inability to do things, but taking it seriously when I think I can’t do something matters. Even if I’m wrong.
There’s a difference between deciding I don’t want to do something, and deciding that I think I am incapable of something, or that doing the thing is unacceptably risky for me.
Even if other people think I’m wrong – I still have the right to assess what my limits are and act accordingly. And even though I will sometimes mistakenly think that I am unable to do something I am actually capable of, “I can’t” is still a vital part of my vocabulary.
There’s a difference between not wanting to do a thing, and reaching the conclusion that I’m probably not capable of doing the thing and that trying is hurting me.
I need to be able to acknowledge that I have limits in order to manage them correctly, and do what I can instead of pretending that enough willpower makes everything possible.
So does everyone else. In particular, people with disabilities who have been taught that we’re not allowed to take physical limitation seriously. But being disabled and physically limited isn’t a moral failing. It’s just a fact of life that sometimes needs to be accounted for.

Treating people well is a skill

Real Social Skills

Sometimes, people go into various fields thinking that they are inherently safe people because they know certain things from experience. For instance, people with disabilities go into the field of service provision thinking that they will know how to avoid abuse of power. Or people who have had bad experiences in school and think that they would never use their power in ways that hurt kids.

Sometimes people think that they are safe people because of their political values, or other values. For instance, people sometimes think that reading a lot of disability rights theory makes them ideal staff. Men sometimes think that reading a lot of feminist theory means that they’re immune to gendered power dynamics. White people often think that reading things about diversity and tolerance makes them immune to white supremacist attitudes and hurting people of color with their privilege. But it doesn’t actually work that way.

Your politics do not make you a safe person. Treating people well is a skill, and it goes far beyond knowing what’s at stake. It also goes far beyond knowing the right words and being able to deploy them. It also goes beyond being angry at the world or objecting when other people do blatantly awful things. There is a component of action, too. You also have to know how to act right towards others, and this is something you have to work on continually. No amount of radical conceptual knowledge will replace the need to work on the actual skills involved in treating people well.

And to state it somewhat more simply – knowing that there are power dynamics doesn’t make you immune from abusing power. Neither does identifying them when you see them. Having spent a lot of time thinking about it doesn’t make you immune, either. No one is immune. You have to constantly watch yourself, listen to feedback from people you have power over, and work continuously to improve your ability to treat people right and use your power the right way.

No one is ever, ever beyond the need to keep working on the practical skills involved in treating people well.

It’s not about what kind of person you are; it is never possible to make yourself into a kind of person who is too good to abuse power. It is possible to continually work to improve your actual actions.

Make sure you’re doing that work. It’s important.

Not all harm is accidental

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
One thing I think some people forget is that there are people in the world who will try to hurt you on purpose, who know they are hurting you and are trying to hurt you. A lot of people seem to assume that everyone who does bad things is acting from ignorance or privilege and while that’s often true, some people know that what they’re doing is harmful and that’s WHY they do it, because they WANT to hurt others. Something to keep in mind.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, that is true, and important. Some people hurt others because they want to.

“Why didn’t you *tell* me?”

Real Social Skills

So, here’s a conversation:

  • Rachel: I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping for the past several months because I’ve been worried about school.
  • Sarah: Why didn’t you *tell* me? I could have helped!

And another:

  • Dan: It’s going to be really weird going home for Christmas this year now that my sister isn’t talking to us.
  • Dave: Why didn’t you *tell* me that your sister did that? I could have helped you! My brother did that too!

If you react that way, it shifts the focus away from your friend who needs help, and onto your self image as a helpful person.

Do not do this. They’re coming to you now. Be there for them now. Don’t be angry on behalf of an imaginary situation you feel cheated of.

Someone else’s personal problem is not about you.

They’re telling you now. Don’t make it about you. Offer support. Not like they owed it to you to want your support all along.

The value of preaching to the choir

Real Social Skills

The choir has spiritual needs and oftens spiritual commitments. That is why they show up every week.

They need a sermon. They need to keep learning and growing.

Preaching isn’t just about telling people to care. It’s also about telling them how. And reminding people who already care that their efforts matter and are appreciated, and that they still have room to grow.

No group can be outreach-oriented all the time. Not religious groups, not activist groups, not social groups – everything has to, at times, focus on the needs of committed members.

Preaching to the choir isn’t enough. But it’s not something you should neglect, either.