Rocking can make things bearable that aren’t otherwise.
There is the rock for when it’s scary. Or overloading. That helps. It does.
And sometimes, rocking makes it possible to stay in situations and have interactions that would otherwise be impossible.
If you get overloaded and you don’t rock, it might be time you tried.
Among other things: Rocking is body language. Rocking is emotions.
There is a slow happy!rock. And an anxiety!rock. And anger. And affection. And any number of others. And they are not the same.
And it is possible to look and understand. It is possible to learn how to read rocking, to know what it’s showing.
This is body language. Meaning shown on a body.
They tell us that we do not have body language, that we have a flat affect. And then they try to make this true; they try to flatten us and stop us from moving and showing emotional body language.
But we aren’t flat. We have body language. And rocking is part of it. (And any number of other movements. Not just rocking. But rocking is on my mind.)
I can’t tell you how to read it. Not much. Not yet. I’m trying to figure out some of the words for that. It is hard to describe body language in words, even body language that is socially valued enough that a lot of people have tried. All the more so this.
What I can tell you is that autistic movement is meaningful. Not mysterious. Not ethereal. Not in-another-world. Meaningful, present, and possible to understand.
(Not simple. Communication between people is never simple, and never formulaic. Meaningful. Complicated.)
Keep that in mind. The first step to understanding is knowing that there is something to understand.
Sometimes people feel a strong need for a certain kind of sensory input, and then use other people’s bodies to meet that need even over their objections.
It’s not ok to do that. Not for sex, not for comfort, not for any other reason. People’s bodies are their own.
But sensory-seeking isn’t the problem. Failing to respect boundaries is the problem. There are other ways to get sensory input that don’t hurt anyone.
Here are some things that can help.
Squishables. These are giant big round stuffed animals. Hugging them feels like hugging, and hugging them and rocking can be very satisfying.
Fidget toys, like the ones available at Office Playground, can be helpful for some people. Having something satisfying to do with your hands can make things feel a lot better.
Dollar stores and cheap stores and the cheap kid toys rack that a lot of stores have can be a good source for cheap fidget toys, too. (Silly putty works well for some people, for instance).
Wooden baby toys like this one and this one can be good. So can marbles. (Because they are hard and smooth and round and cold and can be rolled).
Listening to music on headphones can make being in spaces bearable. (Sometimes spaces are bearable either by holding onto people, holding objects, or listening to music with headphones. It’s good to have options that don’t require hanging onto others).
Stimming without objects can help too – flapping and rocking, in addition to being expressive body language, can be really useful as ways to regulate oneself and meet sensory needs.
Sensory Squids is a good blog about this for adults. (Because, you know? Most of us don’t outgrow this).
I’m really good at telling when people don’t quite think I’m a person, but I’m not quite sure *how* I detect this. I’m trying to figure it out.
A good part of what’s in this post is probably wrong, because this is really hard to get a handle on. And *some* of these things are sometimes the result of other things, like communication problems.
But here’s a draft list of things I think that I detect as signs that someone doesn’t see me as a person:
Thoughts, anyone? Which of these things am I wrong (or right) about? What other signs are there?
I think a good percentage of y’all know exactly what I am talking about, but it’s really hard to pin down.
A reader asked:
Hi. I was wondering if you could make a post regarding parents and specifically, strategies for coping with them. [Parents who don’t acknowledge autism/insert other as legitimate.]
Short answer: it depends. Families are really complicated, and it depends on what the relationships actually are. There isn’t much I can say that is generally true for all children and families.
That said, here are a couple of principles that work for some people:
Some people are never going to accept that you’re autistic, and are never going to understand what that means. For some people, that word is just too loaded, and too unacceptable.
Some of these same people will do what you need, if it’s framed the right way. Sometimes it helps to *not* talk about autism and *not* give any principled explanations, but rather to say things that are more like “I don’t understand. Send me an email and I’ll reply”. or “That restaurant is too loud for me.”
That can work better than things that are more like “I have trouble with loud noises because I am autistic and we often have trouble processing intense sensory input”. Because actually, they don’t *need* to understand or agree with your explanation of what’s going on in order to do right by you. They just have to do what you need in order to interact.
And I’d say also that – first and foremost, learn to say no and make it stick. Asserting boundaries makes a lot of things better, and the more you can establish that you are in control of your life, the better off you’ll be. In some circumstances, your ability to do this can be very limited because of danger – but in just about *all* situations, people will try to convince you that you have less power than you really do. Being mindful of your autonomy and preserving it helps.
Also – one thing that can happen is that people feel like they need permission of families/parents/whoever to think of themselves as autistic/whatever and to seek out help. And, while you might need their assistance for certain things, and while they might have the power to prevent you from doing certain things – you *don’t* need their permission to try to understand the world, understand how your mind and body work, get help, and make your life better. Don’t make their acceptance a prerequisite for doing these things.
Sometimes people do unusual things, things that people like them are not expected to do, things that might even be taboo.
This happens to autistic folks, men who do childcare or raise their kids or otherwise “women’s work”, women who do many things, people with other disabilities, children and teenagers who accomplish things, basically any group of people who are often not expected to do things.
And sometimes people who want to support them end up making things worse. This is too abstract, so I’m going to give an example. This is not specifically a women’s issue; I’m using that as an example because it’s one I’ve seen a lot:
Say, a woman is the first female research scientist. And that she’s overcome a lot of opposition to get to this point.
And now that she’s finally gotten to the point of being allowed to do research that other people take seriously; 90% of the time what people want to talk about is her gender. About what it’s like to be a female whatever or the first female whatever.
Even when she’s come to give a presentation on her research – people who ask questions at the end all ask about what it’s like to be a female scientist and not what she’s actually presenting on.
And it’s hard to assert boundaries about this without just being seen as an uncaring bitch.
Many of the people are just curious, sometimes in a creepy way. Some people asking about it are hostile, and want to show that they really don’t think women should be allowed.
But sometimes, the hardest thing to take is people who want to tell you how great it is that you’re a female scientist, who mean to be supportive, but who are still really intensely focused on the freaky female part rather than the scientist part. Because, then, even the people who like you aren’t really taking you seriously, it’s *always* about the thing, the freakness.
And even then, it can seem like people are assuring you that you have their permission to be a freaky female – and being treated like you need permission by supporters
And it’s so much better to be taken seriously on the terms you care about, on what you’re actually doing.
So, be careful about that. The best way to support someone who is doing something important and stigmatized is to value the thing they’re doing, and take them seriously as someone who does it.
It’s widely believed that autistic folks have trouble detecting sarcasm and irony. This is in fact true for a lot of people.
However, something else is also true.
People lie about sarcasm and irony. Sometimes people say something they really did mean, and then after the fact claim not to have meant it.
Despite having meant it, they might say things like:
There are several reasons people might do this, including but not limited to:
So, if you’re often told that you don’t understand sarcasm/irony/humor, it might be true. But it also might mean that you *do* understand what people are saying, and that they’re falsely claiming to be sarcastic/ironic/joking when they don’t like how you react to what they say.
Some things to consider:
Sometimes people in public places seem to need help.
And some percentage of those times, they actually do need help.
It’s good to offer help, but a lot of times people do it in a way that is invasive and unhelpful.
Here’s a way that’s good:
1) Ask if someone wants help. Some good phrases are “Would you like help?” or “Can I help you?”
2) Wait for a response. This is important, because sometimes the answer is no – and sometimes your instinct about what would help could actually hurt the person you are trying to help.
3) Listen to the answer, and help the person according to their instructions rather than your intuitions.
I’m not entirely sure how to describe this, but I know it’s a thing, and I know a *little* about how to deal with it:
Some people have been systemically taught that they are absolutely never allowed to say no to anything. That their boundaries don’t matter, and that they’re not really people.
For this reason, some things you’d normally do in order to establish consent and find out someone’s preferences don’t work *at all*.
For instance, asking “do you want to eat a sandwich?” is a totally useless question when you’re asking someone who’s been taught to interpret this as a command. Which a lot of people have been, because they’re in the power of people who don’t want to perceive themselves as having power over others. So they use lots of things that *look* like questions and polite requests, but aren’t.
And people get really, really good at correcting identifying orders and giving every outward appearance of consent. Because that dynamic punishes everything else.
So you have to do it differently. You have to make more guesses (not the right word, but don’t know a better one). And you also have to ask questions differently. You have to ask in a way that *doesn’t* suggest an answer. And you have to remind people that saying no is possible. For instance “Do you want to watch TV now, or do something else?” is better than “do you want to watch TV now?”, but still probably not good enough.
But you have to notice this. And take it into account when you interact with people. I know some of my followers on here know more about how to do this than I do – comments anyone?
So there’s this dynamic:
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I *know* that. It’s hot in here.
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: I already explained to you that it’s hot in here!
Autistic person: The door is open!
Other person: Why do you have to repeat things all the time?!
Often when this happens, what’s really going on is that the autistic person is trying to communicate something, and they’re not being understood. The other person thinks that they are understanding and responding, and that the autistic person is just repeating the same thing over and over either for no reason or because they are being stubborn and inflexible and obnoxious and pushy.
When what’s really happening is that the autistic person is not being understood, and they are communicating using the words they have. There’s a NT social expectation that if people aren’t being understood, they should change their words and explain things differently. Sometimes autistic people aren’t capable of doing this without help.
So, if this is happening, assume it’s communication and try to figure out what’s being communicated. If you’re the one with more words, and you want the communication to happen in words, then you have to provide words that make communication possible. For example:
Other person: Do you want the door to be closed, or are you saying something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Do you want to show me something outside, or something else?
Autistic person: Something else
Other person: Are you worried about something that might happen, or something else?
Autistic person: Worried
Other person: Are you worried that something will come in, or that something will go out?
Autistic person: Baby
Other person: She’s in her crib, and the baby gate is up. Is that ok, or is there still a problem?
Autistic person: ok