responses – Real Social Skills

When you realize that it’s wrong…

January 23, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m asking you because you are a good person. My brother has dyslexia and all his life he was bullied to think he was worthless, a mistake of our mother. I admit I have my parcel of blame in this, but I too was raised to think of him of a lesser being by our grandmother. These days he’s being bullied by his teachers, expecting him to get higher grades, again, like mine. He asked me the other day what he would do with his life, because he really thinks he is unskilled and is a big waste of time and space. He asked me what he is good with, because from his eyes, he can’t do anything right.

I honestly don’t know what to say to him and I know this is pretty much because I was born resembling my grandmother with my father’s memory while he resembles mother in almost everything, whom grandmother hated until she died.

I don’t know what to do, please help us.

I don’t know your brother and I don’t know what he’s good at, so I can’t address that directly, but, here’s what I can suggest:

Talk to him about the abuse

Tell him that what you and your grandmother did to him was wrong
Tell him that what his teachers are doing is wrong and disgusting
Tell him that he shouldn’t be treated like that and that it isn’t his fault
It’s not because of his grades, or anything about him. It’s because of prejudice and hate

Be honest about your part in it, and do what you can to treat him right from now on

Tell him that you’re sorry for your part in it, but don’t make it about you trying to feel better or get him to reassure you
Be specific about things you’ve done to him that you think were wrong
Don’t do those things
When he points out that you’re still doing those things, apologize and stop
Don’t expect him to trust you just because you’ve realized it was wrong – you have to stop doing it, over a long period of time, before it’s likely that you will seem safe
Listen if he wants to talk, but don’t push the issue

And here are some things I’d say to him directly, if I was talking to him rather than you:

It’s ok not to know what you want to do or are good at:

Doing stuff is awesome, and life gets better when you find good stuff to do
Everyone has worthwhile things they can do
It takes time and work and exploration to figure out what they are and get good at them
School isn’t conducive to this kind of growth for everyone
School is actively harmful to some people.
Having school and an unsupportive family undermine your ability to find things to do is really, really common for people with learning disabilities
It isn’t your fault that this happened to you, and struggling in that environment doesn’t suggest anything bad about you
You don’t have to be a super accomplished superhero to have worth as a person. Don’t hold yourself to that standard.

Spending more time on things you like helps:

People who struggle with school are often taught that anything they like is a waste of time, and that they should stop doing it and spend more time banging their head against impossible or barely-possible assignments
That’s really bad advice; you can’t develop your interests and abilities by renouncing everything you like
Finding stuff you like and are good at is more important than faking normal at school.
If you like video games, play them
If you like TV shows, watch them
If you like cooking, cook things
If you like talking to people online, find people to talk to
Etc etc. These are just some examples of things some people like, not necessarily things you do or should like. Do things that *you* like.
Doing things you like is important. Even if they’re activities other people don’t value very much. You have to explore to find out what you like and can do well. And you need space to do that in. So, take some space.

Acknowledging limitations creates abilities

People with disabilities are often taught that if we don’t acknowledge limitations, we won’t have any
And then we are forced to spend lots and lots of time and effort pretending that this is true
We spend so much time pretending that we can do things and forcing ourselves to do things that are barely possible, that we don’t have much available for anything else
If we acknowledge limitations and stop doing that, then all that time and energy becomes available for doing other things
And then we can actually start doing things well and succeed at things
Acknowledging and understanding disability is one of the most important life skills anyone with a disability can develop.

Connect with other people with similar issues:

Special ed teachers and other alleged experts often don’t know what they’re talking about
They will often advise you to do actively harmful things
Peer support from other people with related disabilities helps, because they often know what they’re talking about and have strategies for dealing with it.
In any case, judge for yourself and do what you think will help you. No one else gets to tell you what your coping strategies have to be.

Response to an ask about money talk

November 3, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Why is asking about money rude?

I get why asking someone randomly is rude, but why is it rude if it’s got to do with the conversation? On a tv show someone wanted to buy something really expensive and someone else asked how they could afford it, and another person said it was rude.

I don’t get why it’s so personal. Other times it’s acceptable to talk about how someone made their money, but only really if they’re rich.

I get that some people feel ashamed that they don’t make as much money as some people, but why wasn’t it acceptable in the first situation?

It’s hard to say without knowing the full context. I’m going to arbitrarily use an iPad as an example. Here’s some reasons it could be rude to ask someone how they could afford an iPad:

It could be (or be seen as) an indirect way of asking how much money someone makes. The perceived question could be “I didn’t think you had that kind of income! So how much *do* you make, anyway?”

It could be seen as a judgement about someone’s priorities. Eg, the implied question could be (or perceived as) “why are you going around buying *that* when your house is a dump and you keep complaining about how you can’t afford to get the roof fixed?”

It could be seen as contempt for the particular category of purchase. Eg, implied question “Why would you spend all that money on a stupid expensive toy?”

It can be (or be perceived as) a class dynamic. Eg “Who do you think you are buying an iPad? That’s for rich people. Do you think you’re a rich person who deserves that kind of thing?!”

It could also just be (or perceived as) someone trying to assert that they have the right to demand that you justify your spending decisions to them. The less money people have, the more they tend to be treated as owing people an explanation, and it’s draining. Even if you don’t mean that, it’s likely to be perceived that way.

Response to a question

October 25, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi. I was wondering if you could make a post regarding parents and specifically, strategies for coping with them. [Parents who don’t acknowledge autism/insert other as legitimate.]

Short answer: it depends. Families are really complicated, and it depends on what the relationships actually are. There isn’t much I can say that is generally true for all children and families.

That said, here are a couple of principles that work for some people:

Some people are never going to accept that you’re autistic, and are never going to understand what that means. For some people, that word is just too loaded, and too unacceptable.

Some of these same people will do what you need, if it’s framed the right way. Sometimes it helps to *not* talk about autism and *not* give any principled explanations, but rather to say things that are more like “I don’t understand. Send me an email and I’ll reply”. or “That restaurant is too loud for me.”

That can work better than things that are more like “I have trouble with loud noises because I am autistic and we often have trouble processing intense sensory input”. Because actually, they don’t *need* to understand or agree with your explanation of what’s going on in order to do right by you. They just have to do what you need in order to interact.

And I’d say also that – first and foremost, learn to say no and make it stick. Asserting boundaries makes a lot of things better, and the more you can establish that you are in control of your life, the better off you’ll be. In some circumstances, your ability to do this can be very limited because of danger – but in just about *all* situations, people will try to convince you that you have less power than you really do. Being mindful of your autonomy and preserving it helps.

Also – one thing that can happen is that people feel like they need permission of families/parents/whoever to think of themselves as autistic/whatever and to seek out help. And, while you might need their assistance for certain things, and while they might have the power to prevent you from doing certain things – you *don’t* need their permission to try to understand the world, understand how your mind and body work, get help, and make your life better. Don’t make their acceptance a prerequisite for doing these things.