Tag: college

Including people who get talked over

Real Social Skills

Often, in class conversations, some students will talk over other students and not let them get a word in edgewise. (This happens a lot between male and female students. It’s not always gendered that way but that’s a common dynamic.), eg:

  • Brenda: I thought the colors were too bright because they made the background more prominent than the…
  • Bob: Actually, the colors were too bright. They made the background more prominent than the foreground. That’s a problem because you have to be able to pay attention to the foreground.

When Bob is allowed to do this, it effectively cuts Brenda out of the conversation. Eg, this is one continuation I’ve seen a lot:

  • Bob: Actually, the colors were too bright. They made the background more prominent than the foreground. That’s a problem because you have to be able to pay attention to the foreground.
  • Teacher: Yes, distracting background colors detract from the most important parts of the scenes.

When the teacher says something like that, they’re responding to Bob and ignoring Brenda. If Brenda was making the same point, then she deserves to be acknowledged. If she was making a different point, then she deserves to be heard. It’s important to listen to all the students who participate sincerely, not just those who talk over others.

You don’t have to put up with this. You can turn your attention back to the student who was talking before they got interrupted. This is one way to do that:

  • You (ignoring Bob): Brenda, what do you mean about the background being more prominent? Can you say more?
  • This lets Brenda know that you value what she’s saying.
  • And it allows her to be heard even though Bob doesn’t value what she’s saying.
  • This also sends the message to other students that you will listen to them, take them seriously, and not allow them to be talked over.

This usually works better than directly addressing Bob in the moment. If you call Bob on it directly, that can lead to derailing the conversation into an argument about Bob, eg:

  • Teacher: Bob, please don’t talk over Brenda
  • Bob: I wasn’t talking over Brenda.
  • Teacher: She was saying something, and you interrupted her.

This can backfire because it keeps the focus on Bob rather than the person he was talking over. It’s also less powerful. You don’t need Bob’s permission to pay attention to the student he interrupted. You can just pay attention to her.

Another possibility:

  • Teacher: Bob, let Brenda finish then you can make your point. Brenda, what were you saying about the background colors?

This can work sometimes because it’s not directly accusing Bob of anything, and it immediately shifts the focus back to the person he interrupted.

Should I tell my roommates I’m autistic?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I’m an autistic student who’s starting college next fall. I’m wondering if I should tell my roommate(s?) about it first, or if this will affect the way they think of me. I like to think that I can “fit” in normally with everyone, but I might have some quirks that will annoy them. I’m worried I won’t be able to make friends, I’m not sure what to do.
realsocialskills said:
This is a really personal choice, and there’s no one right answer here. Some thoughts:
There’s a really good book and website about dealing with college as an autistic person called Navigating College. It talks in practical terms about a lot of different issues, including the question of disclosure. I would highly recommend reading it.
That said, here’s what I think I know about disclosure in general:
  • Autism is highly stigmatized, and most people will see you as less of a person if they know you’re autistic.
  • Sometimes it’s safer not to tell people, or to say something like “I have a neurological disorder that makes it hard for me to (whatever the relevant thing is).
  • If Google knows that you are autistic, it can make it harder to get into school, get an internship, or get a job
  • Keeping autism completely secret creates a major barrier to friendship; hiding a fundamental aspect of who you are makes everything a lot harder
  • If people don’t know you’re autistic, then you always have to wonder how they’d treat you if they ever found out.
  • If people know you’re autistic, then you face a lot more mistreatment, but you also find out who you can trust. Sometimes, that’s worth it.
  • There isn’t a right answer here; all of the options kind of suck, and which approach is best for you is a highly personal decision
And a few things I think I know about disclosing to roommates:
  • In college, roommates are often not friends
  • They’re just people you have to minimally get along with enough to share space peacefully
  • In some ways it’s better if you’re *not* close to your roommate; a fairly superficial relationship can be more conductive to living together
  • If you aren’t close to your roommate, there’s probably no reason they *need* to know you’re autistic.
  • It’s also possible that they’ll treat you better if you don’t tell them, since most people think that autism means you’re unable to understand or care about other people.
  • So, unless you’re generally open about being autistic (which can be a good strategy), it might be better to err on the side of not telling your roommate.

Some thoughts on PTSD at school

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
 
I developed PTSD last year and took time off college, and I’m about to go back for the first time since then. I’ve been auditing classes for a few months now though and I’m suddenly terrified. I can barely read anymore (I can’t focus and it’s often panic inducing). I dissociate in class and sometimes even have highly humiliating episodes in lectures. I never retain anything and it feels futile and I’m afraid I’m gonna flunk out. If you have any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you!!
 
realsocialskills answered:
 
Since I don’t know you, all I can do is guess – but here are a couple of possibilities that comes to mind:
 
Do you find evaluation triggering? Like, tests, quizzes, papers, things where you have to prove that you mastered the material? Or knowing that you’re being graded?
 
If so, I wonder if maybe a full course load might be too much for you right now. Being terrified is exhausting and time consuming. So is dealing with being triggered a lot. That plus a full course load might be taking up more time than you have.
 
It might be better to start by only taking one course for credit. That could give you space to work on figuring out what’s triggering and how to deal with it.
 
Another possibility: If you’re missing material because you dissociate in class, you might be able to get a notetaker as a disability accommodation. Or you might try recording the lectures (which is a disability accommodation you can get even if recording isn’t normally allowed). Similarly, if you find a particular *kind* of assessment triggering, you might be able to arrange a modified form (eg: if taking a quiz in-class causes you to dissociate, you might be able to arrange to do a take-home instead.)
 
You might also try collaborative note taking:
  • It’s a good strategy for anyone to try who is having trouble paying attention in lecture
  • But it might also be helpful for you if your episodes are the kind someone can help you avert if you see one coming on
  • Because then you’d already be communicating with your notetaking partner, so if you see a problem coming it might give your the opportunity to get help
 
Another possibility: Are you dealing with a triggering or cognitively incompatible teacher?
  • For some people, teachers who teach in certain ways can be triggering
  • Or can be so hard to understand that they exhaust you in ways that take away the cognitive abilities you need to do school
  • Or can be hostile to you in subtle but intensely destructive ways
  • Or any number of other serious points of incompatibility
  • If you’re having a debilitating reaction to a particular teacher, it’s probably really important to not take classes with that teacher, even if it looks like a good idea on paper

(There’s a range of different things that work for different people, so it would also be good to seek out different perspectives.)

When you’re without a diagnosis and not sure whether or not to describe yourself as disabled

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I don’t really know how to say this the best way, but apparently I “might” have Aspergers. I had been having some trouble at college, and the woman we spoke to at disabilities services said that “clearly, something isn’t connecting here.”
But instead of getting me diagnosed or anything, everyone just kind of ignored it after that? The whole thing was really confusing. I don’t want to claim disability if I don’t have one, but I might have one, but I might not. I just don’t really know what to do
realsocialskills said:
That’s a hard place to be. It can be really hard when you think you might have a disability but you’re not sure. Especially when it’s a developmental disability and you are only starting to realize in adulthood that you might have it.
Several things I think help in this situation:
Take the problems you are having seriously:
  • You are having trouble, and that matters
  • You are not faking it
  • You are not being appropriative
  • It’s ok not to be sure exactly what’s going on
  • It’s important to take your needs seriously and to work on figuring out what would help
  • Keep in mind that whatever is going on, your needs matter
Whether or not you’re autistic, things written by and for autistic people might help you:
  • It’s ok to use them whether or not you’re autistic
  • The point is to do things that help you understand yourself and function well in the world, and that will involve learning from a lot of people
  • People with different kinds of disabilities and differences have substantially overlapping experiences, and it’s ok and important to learn from one another’s communities
  • One thing that might be particularly helpful is a guide the Autistic Self Advocacy Network made called Navigating College. It has a lot of really helpful practical suggestions
  • It’s probably a good idea to look at stuff written by and for people with other kinds of disabilities too (particularly ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, and depression, but a surprising number of things end up being helpful to know about cross-disability)

It helps to identify specific things you’re having trouble with, for instance:

  • Are you having trouble reading?
  • Are you having trouble paying attention?
  • Do you get stuck trying to figure out what you should be doing?
  • Are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you having sensory problems?
  • Is handwriting difficult for you?
  • Are you having trouble speaking, or processing speech quickly enough to participate in conversations?
  • Is it hard for you to navigate and get yourself to where you need to be?
  • Do you have problems planning projects?
  • Other things?

It’s helpful to identify the specific things you’re having trouble with, for several reasons:

  • There is a lot that people know about how to help with specific problems.
  • For instance, if reading is an issue for you, changing the font, using audio books, or using ebooks rather than print books might help.
  • Knowing a diagnostic label can be very helpful, especially in identifying people similar to you who might understand
  • But it’s even more important to figure out what you’re having trouble with in practical terms, and what can help
  • The tests doctors and specialists use to diagnose learning disabilities tend to paint a very broad brush, and they don’t necessarily give you great information on what exactly is going on or what would help
  • The more specific you can be about what’s going on, the more likely it is that people will be able to help you

If you’re in college, seeking formal evaluation and diagnosis is probably a good idea:

  • It is far easier to get schools to make accommodations if you have a diagnosis
  • There are a lot of fairly standard modifications that schools are used to making, but which they are generally only willing to make if a doctor recommends that they do so
  • And whether or not you disclose to individual professors is still your choice
  • There are downsides to diagnosis, but the advantages probably outweigh them in your situation

Don’t wait for diagnosis, though:

  • Diagnosis is a tool, not a solution
  • It can help you, but it won’t make things go away
  • There are problems you can solve now
  • And diagnosis is more helpful if you already know some things that would help you, because often doctors won’t think to put things in their report unless you suggest them
  • Working on living with a disability or even just a difference is a lifelong process.
  • And ultimately, you have to figure out for yourself how to manage that, and you shouldn’t wait for anyone’s permission

Don’t worry about being appropraitive or falsely claiming disability:

  • Whatever is going on, your problems are real and you should take them seriously
  • It’s ok to suspect that you might have an autism spectrum disorder and be wrong; that doesn’t hurt anyone
  • Figuring things out has to start somewhere, and it’s ok if you have to think through several possibilities to get the right words for yourself
  • The important thing is that you figure out what is going on and what can help you
  • That can be really difficult and scary, but it also makes life a lot better

Good luck. You’re in a scary place, but it’s possible to figure things out and get through this. You will be ok.