meeting people – Real Social Skills

Anonymous said:

How do you make a new place feel like home? In less than a month, I’m moving to start a PhD.

I’m looking for advice on how to adapt to a new city and find new friends. I don’t want to rely on my program as my only source of friends, because doing that has left me isolated in the past.

Any advice on how to feel like this is really home and finding new friends would be appreciated. Thank you!

realsocialskills said:

There are a lot of possibilities, and a lot of it is a matter of personal preference and what’s available in your area.

One thing that works for some people is organized religion. Religious communities have a broader range of people than a PhD program will. They also have a lot of different things you can do, often including teaching and volunteering. It can also be low-pressure because showing up can be a way to be around people without having to do anything else.

If you want that kind of community but don’t want to be expected to believe in God or a particular doctrine, a Unitarian Universalist church or a Society for Ethical Culture might work for you.

Another thing worth doing is to find out where the community gathering places are which aren’t just where students hang out. If you’re in a small-ish college town, there will be a few places. Some of them might be bars, but some of them won’t be. For instance, if you’re going to UNC, Weaver Street Market is a place you should know about. It’s a place people hang out, and there are a lot of community events there.

Independent bookstores can also be good community places to know about. They often have events and interesting people and sources of information.

Look at the notice boards and pick up the free papers. Look through the events listings and find stuff you’re interested in. Try to go to things. Going to things that are not college events can be a good way to get outside the bubble.

If you’re in a bigger city, this is both easier and harder. There are more things going on in big cities, but they also tend to happen in silos and be harder to find out about. In cities, searching around for organizations or activities related to your interests can be a better starting point. (Although independent bookstores are often also helpful in cities).

You can also try walking around with Yelp! open on your phone. If you set the filter to show you everything and sort stuff by distance, you can find out about what’s near you. It also has a “local color” category that can be useful for finding non-standard things in your area.

Going to things that are college events can also be a good way to get outside the bubble, if you don’t restrict it to your own department. There are often a lot of interesting things going on at universities — it might be worth checking stuff out. (Although this can get complicated if you are a TA who teaches undergrads).

If there’s iconic local food and it’s ok for you to eat it, trying some might be a good idea. Eating food that people around you eat can be a very effective way to feel like part of the culture. Even if there’s only one thing you like, eating that thing might help a lot. (This is not always possible or advisable for any number of physical or cultural reasons, but it can be good for some people.)

Same goes for other weird local things. Like, if there are festivals and things and you don’t completely hate festivals, it’s likely a good idea to try going at least once if you’re going to be in the area for a while. Again, a couple of Chapel Hill area examples: Festival for the Eno, Halloween on Franklin Street, Carrboro events.

If there are iconic landmarks, it’s probably worth checking them out too.

If there are email lists about events that go on, it’s likely worth signing up for them. You can always unsubscribe later, and you can make a filter so they don’t clog your main inbox. Knowing what’s going on can be really helpful in becoming more integrated, and if you find out while you’re at your computer, it’s more likely to make its way into your calendar.

You can also do things like use Meetup.com to find people in your area who share your interests.

You can also take some kind of not-school-related class. Eg: karate, pottery, cooking.

There are also things you can to make your living space itself feel more like home.

Short version: When you move to a new place, there are a lot of different things you can do to meet people and otherwise feel more oriented. Scroll up for some specific suggestions.

Conversations with unfamiliar people are easier if you can identify common interests as quickly as possible.

In college social environments, there are certain questions it’s almost always socially acceptable to ask that can be helpful:

What year are you?
Where are you from?
What’s your major?

Asking someone’s major can be a good way of detecting mutual interests.

For instance:

Bob: Hey. I’m Bob.
Brenda: I’m Brenda.
Bob: Nice to meet you. What’s your major?
Brenda: I’m not sure yet, but I’m leaning towards physics.
Bob: Cool. I was considering that for a while, but decided to go with engineering. Did you ever have a class with Dr Physics?
Brenda: Not yet – is he really as hard a grader as everyone says? I’m really interested in optics but he kind of scares me.
(They then figure out that they’re both fascinated by optics, which they discuss at length).

Sometimes this works in other social settings in which you can reasonably assume that most people went to college. But in those settings, it’s generally considered more polite to ask where someone went to school before you asked what they studied. I’m not sure why.

You can also sometimes detect common interests by asking someone about their work. That can backfire though, since sometimes it’s used as a way of gauging someone’s social standing relative to the asker. Even if you don’t mean it that way, it might sound like you’re doing that.

Sometimes you can get away with directly asking “So, what do you like to think about?”. This question is considered a bit awkwardly direct, but most people are willing to answer it, and the awkwardness often goes away quickly once you identify a common interest.

You can also see if someone has buttons or pins or something else that indicates what they might be interested in. For instance: someone with a Batman pin is likely to be interested in talking about superheroes. Someone with a political pin is likely to be interested in talking about politics.