Tag: privacy

Taking pills when it’s difficult to do so

Real Social Skills

arrowhearts said to realsocialskills:
I was wondering if you knew of any tips or resources for taking (pill-based) medications daily when for a variety of reasons (anxiety, forgetfulness, bad taste, fear, etc) it is difficult to do so? Also thank you so much for the time and thought you have put into this blog! It has been very useful and informative to me!

realsocialskills said:

There are some potentially useful reminder/tracking apps for iOS, Android, and Apple Watch:

  • Mango Health, which is gamification-based and offers rewards/badges for taking your pills every day. (It’s not very flexible.) It also has notifications and reminders.
  • (If you like gamification, HabitRPG may also be helpful).
  • Medisafe, which is in no way gamified and isn’t trying to make you have fun or like anything. It’s just an app that tracks medications, gives reminders, and has a few other features.

Getting help remembering from someone else:

  • Some people find it helpful to have someone remind them to take pills.
  • Or ask them whether they’ve taken a pill.
  • Or to bring them the pills.
  • (Both medication apps allow you to link another person to your pill-taking records, if you want to.)
  • This can also backfire, and isn’t the right option for everyone.
  • (One way it can backfire is that if you ask people for help remembering, they may think that it’s their job to *make* you take it, whether you want to or not.)
  • (Needing help with the logistics of pill-taking doesn’t mean that you need someone else to take over your medical decisions, but a lot of people think it does).
  • Some people also find that their anxiety skyrockets when others pay attention to their pill-taking.
  • Sometimes this is less of a problem if it’s mutual (where you remind someone about their pills, and they remind you about yours.)

Help can also be more occasional:

  • Some people need occasional help figuring out the logistics, or overcoming anxiety or other barriers. It can help to have people you can ask for occasional help, along the lines of:
  • “I need to take my pill, but I need to eat before I can take it, and I have no food. Can you help me figure out how to eat?”
  • “I can’t make myself take my pill, can you tell me to go do it?”
  • “Can you remind me that it’s ok to take pills and that I’m not being lazy or something?”
  • “I’m having trouble with the pharmacy’s online refill system, do you know how it works?”
  • tl;dr: Needing help doesn’t mean needing others to take over, and it doesn’t necessarily mean needing supervision or ongoing daily assistance.

If the problem is that the pills taste disgusting or are hard to swallow:

  • Sometimes this is a problem that goes away over time.
  • Sometimes if you keep tasting a particular taste regularly, it become less disgusting.
  • Similarly, many people who initially find swallowing pills difficult find it much easier as they get more practice.
  • You can also put the pill in a spoon of something like applesauce, yogurt, or pudding. That can mean that you taste and feel the pudding and not the pill, which can make swallowing easier for some people.
  • Some people find it helpful to chase pills with a liquid they like.
  • (A caveat about that:
  • If  the taste/sensation makes you feel sick to your stomach or like you’re going to throw up, it may not be a good idea to drink/eat something you really like right after.
  • Because you can end up associating that feeling with the thing you like, and then develop an aversion to that too.
  • But if the nasty-tasty pills *don’t* make you feel sick, washing the taste away with something you do like can work really well.)

If the problem is irrational or mostly-irrational anxiety:

  • Reminding yourself that the anxiety is irrational can help.
  • Reminding yourself what the pill does and why you want to take it can also help.
  • And once you get used to taking the pills regularly, the anxiety may go away.
  • Some people find it helpful to think things like “This is scary, but I can do it, and it won’t always be this scary.”
  • One reason that taking pills can be scary is that it can be an unpleasant reminder that you need the pills.
  • If that’s a barrier, it might help to remind yourself that you need the pills whether you take them or not.
  • Or you might know that it causes side effects you hate.
  • It also might help to complain about this to yourself, along the lines of “I really !#$!$# hate having to take this pill”.
  • (Having to take pills can suck, and it’s ok to have feelings about it.)

If the issue is reluctance or reservations about the pills:

  • I’m somewhat uneasy about mentioning this, because logistical difficulty is often dismissed as unwillingness to take pills.
  • That said — sometimes the problem really is that someone is trying to force themself to take pills that they don’t really want to take.
  • Everything is harder when you don’t want to do it.
  • There are all kinds of reasons that people might not want to take medication. (Some good reasons, some bad reasons).
  • Eg: Some people feel ashamed of needing medication, or feel like they should be able to somehow will themselves to not need it.
  • Eg: Sometimes the side effects really suck. Sometimes side effects mean that a given treatment needs to be reconsidered.
  • Eg: Sometimes people take pills that don’t seem to be working, and that can be demoralizing.
  • Eg: Sometimes people are misdiagnosed, and prescribed medication that isn’t appropriate, (or suspect that they were misdiagnosed).
  • Eg: Sometimes things that seem like a good idea in the doctor’s office don’t seem like a good idea in day-to-day life.
  • Eg: Sometimes when people have been taking a pill for a while, they forget what it was like without the pill — but keep noticing the side effects. This can make it hard to feel that the pill is still worthwhile.
  • Eg: Sometimes people come under intense pressure from others to believe that a particular pill will fix things. This can get complicated if the pill isn’t actually the right solution.
  • (And there are any number of other reasons).
  • Sometimes the solution to this is changing your attitude towards your medication, and sometimes the solution to this is changing your treatment plan. (And sometimes it’s a combination of both).
  • So it might be worth asking yourself: How do you feel about taking this medication, Is this a pill you want to take?
  • Why are you taking it? Why was it prescribed? Do you agree with the reasons?
  • Are you having side effects that suck? Are you questioning whether the side effects are worth it?
  • Is there another option you want to consider, or does this seem like the best choice for now?
  • If you really are reluctant, err on the side of taking that seriously. You may have a good reason, and it may lead to needed changes.
  • If you think about it and decide that your reluctance is irrational, that can also be very helpful.
  • Either way, if the problem is reluctance, thinking through things and getting to a point where you feel confident that you’re making the right choice can help a lot.
  • *All that said*, it’s important to remember that taking pills can be hard for all kinds of different reasons.
  • Some reasons it can be hard to take pills have absolutely nothing to do with how you feel about them.
  • Wanting to take pills doesn’t always make it possible to take pills.

Sometimes pills are easier to take if you associate them with an action you do every day rather than with a time. Eg:

  • If “take nighttime pill at 11pm” doesn’t work, “take nighttime pill when I brush my teeth” might.
  • If “take morning pill at 8am” doesn’t work, “take morning pill after I eat breakfast” or “take morning pill when I get into my car/bus to go to work/school” might work.
  • Or “I’ll take my pills when my kids come home from school and I’ve given them theirs”.

Sometimes changing where/how your pills are stored can make a big difference, for instance:

  • Keeping pills in the medicine cabinet can make it easier to take them when you brush your teeth
  • Keeping pills next to your bed can make it easier to take them when you get up and/or when you go to bed
  • If you frequently forget to take your medication, keeping some in your purse/ backpack/etc can make it easier to take it once you realize you forgot.
  • If you need to take medication when you eat, keeping the pills near your food might help.
  • Some people find pill sorters really helpful. They’re clear box-things with a box for each day, and at the beginning of each week you put a week’s worth of pills in them. This can also be a way to tell whether you’ve taken a given dose or not.
  • Sometimes you can get pills packed in blister packs, with a compartment for each day.
  • (Birth controls are usually packed this way, and some pharmacies can pack any kind of pill this way).

If part of the issue is privacy:

  • Sometimes not wanting other people to know can complicate taking medication.
  • This is a common issue for birth control pills — and there are cases you can get for birth control packs that look like little makeup cases. (So you could keep it in your purse and it would just look like you have makeup).
  • (If you’re in a situation in which it’s unsafe for others to know that you’re using contraception, birth control pills may not be the best option. An IUD or Depo-Provera shots might be better. Planned Parenthood can help you consider options.).
  • Similarly, it might help to keep pill bottles inside little containers that don’t look like pill things (eg: Claire’s has coin purses that are a good size for this).
  • Or to get a lockable toolbox and keep the key on your keychain.
  • Or to keep pills in your gym back if you have one — most people are going to assume there are gross sweaty clothes in there and be reluctant to look.
  • If you’re in college and don’t want your roommate to know about your pills, it might work to keep your pills with your shower stuff, and take them when you shower.
  • Or to keep pills in your backpack, go to the bathroom after class, and then take the pills there

If part of the issue is that they’re hard to afford:

  • If you’re taking a name-brand drug, look online for a coupon. A lot of companies offer them.
  • If you’re taking something insurance isn’t covering, GoodRx can often save you a LOT of money. (It tells you about coupons, and shows you which pharmacy near you has the lowest price.)

Your role is not permision

Real Social Skills

Being a disability expert of some kind doesn’t give you the right to violate boundaries. People with disabilities are people. Being an expert of some kind doesn’t mean you have a relationship to them. It doesn’t mean you have any authority over them, either.

Being a parent of a disabled kid isn’t permission to take on a parental role with every disabled person you encounter.

Being a nurse doesn’t make it ok to ask people with disabilities invasive medical questions.

Being disabled doesn’t make it ok to tell other disabled people how to live their lives.

Being a special educator doesn’t give you the right to tell disabled people how their minds work. Or what they can and can’t do. Or to force them to make eye contact.

Being a therapist doesn’t make it ok to take on a therapeutic role with every disabled person you encounter. Treatment requires consent; being a therapist doesn’t make you an authority on anyone else’s life.

Being a researcher doesn’t give you the right to tell people with disabilities what they can or can’t do, or how they should live their lives.

Being disability staff doesn’t mean that random disabled people you encounter in public places need your help, or that you know how to help them, or that you have the right to tell them what to do (actually, that applies even when you *are* someone’s staff).

People with disabilities have the same rights to privacy and autonomy as anyone else. No matter what kind of expertise you have or think you have.

keeping your privacy in the aftermath of a suicide attempt

Real Social Skills

fenisoffended asked:

I’m visibly disabled as the result of a suicide attempt. Do you have any advice on how to respond when people ask what happened?

I think it’d be uncomfortable to tell casual acquaintances or strangers etc that I attempted suicide, but I don’t really know what else to say other than a flat-out lie.

(It was an overdose, so saying the cause without mentioning suicide would also make people uncomfortable and they might think less of me)

realsocialskills said:

I think there are three basic approaches that allow you to keep your privacy without lying:

  • Tell a partial truth
  • Use humor to deflect the question
  • Say that you don’t like to talk about it

Telling a partial truth works by saying something that is true or true-ish, doesn’t cause their mind to jump to suicide, and (ideally) doesn’t invite further questioning. Some possible phrases along these lines:

  • “It’s an old injury”.
  • “I’m used to it.“

If you want to use humor to deflect it, one way to do it is to tell an absurdly obvious lie, eg:

  • “I lost a fight with a penguin”.
  • “You know how they say not to look directly at the sun? They’re right.”
  • “Alien abduction.“

Absurdly obvious lies mean (and are at least sometimes understood to mean) “I don’t want to talk about this, and I’m giving you a way to drop the subject without having to state explicitly that you asked an inappropriately personal question.” There’s an affective piece of how to pull this off that I’m not sure how to describe. It requires a certain tone of voice and body language.

You can also say explicitly that you don’t like to talk about it.

  • Bodies are personal and you have no obligation to answer questions about yours
  • If you say that you don’t like to talk about it, it’s best to follow that up with an immediate subject change
  • (If you follow it with a pause, some people will reflexively try to fill the pause by asking why you don’t like to talk about it)
  • It might work best to keep your tone polite and friendly at first, and then get more firm if they push the issue

eg:

  • Them: So, how did your face get to be like that?
  • You: I don’t really like to talk about that. How about that local sports team we both like? Can you believe they lost to that team we all hate?

Other things that mean “I don’t want to talk about it”:

  • “That’s a long story.” (plus immediate subject change)
  • “That’s kind of private.” (plus immediate subject change)

None of these are foolproof, but they all work at least some of the time.

Short version: If you don’t want to talk about something, telling a boring truth, an absurd obvious lie, or saying you don’t want to talk about it are all sometimes effective methods.

Maintaining privacy when people ask about a memorial object

Real Social Skills

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

I have a rather specific social problem I was hoping you might help me with. One of my best friends committed suicide very recently, and I have a necklace with his name on it that I wear to remember him. Normally I wear it with the blank side facing out, but it does flip around, & people (who didn’t know him) have asked about it. I don’t want to outright lie, but this isn’t something a stranger needs to know.

Additional complication: this is still really raw, so sometimes the question hits wrong and I become visibly upset, which just makes the person more curious. How can I brush these well-intended remarks off as politely and quickly as I can, making it clear that I don’t want to talk about it?

realsocialskills said:

I wonder if it would work for you to say that it’s in memory of a friend without talking about the suicide?

Like, along these lines:

  • Them: That’s not your name, is it? Who is that?
  • You: Actually, it’s in memory of a close friend who died recently.

It might help to be explicit about how you want them to react. Most people are uncomfortable talking about death. Some people will be very worried about saying the wrong thing and will want to take cues from you.

If you want them to drop it, changing the subject helps. One way to change the subject is to talk about the reason you’re interacting with that person to begin with.

Eg: Say you’re at a conference.

  • Them: What does your necklace mean?
  • You: It’s kind of personal. It’s in memory of a friend who died recently. I’m trying to stay busy. I’m excited to be at this conference. What brings you here?

If that’s too much sharing, maybe you could say something like more vague like: “It’s a friendship necklace”, or “It’s to remember someone”, or “I’ve had that for a while”, “It’s in honor of someone”, and then follow it with an immediate subject change.

This sometimes takes a couple of repetitions of the subject change. Some people think that they’re supposed to find ways of getting you to talk about it, and some people are just nosey. If people are particularly persistent, you might need to say very bluntly that you don’t want to talk about it. (Some people might get annoyed at having their persistence rebuffed. If that happens, that’s their fault, not yours.)

Alternatively, what about making the necklace less visible? For instance, by wearing it under your clothes, or by putting your friend’s name in a locket instead of on the outside of a pendant? (I’m not assuming that this is a good idea — it may well not be; symbolism is complicated).

Tell students whether they will be expected to share writing

Real Social Skills

Students write very differently based on different expectations about whether they will have to share it. For instance, these are all different kinds of writing:

  • Writing that is just for their own processing
  • Writing that only the instructor will read
  • Writing that will be shared with peers, but not seen by the instructor
  • Writing that will be shared with both the instructor and peers
  • Writing that will be graded
  • Writing that will not be graded

When students have to show work to people they weren’t expecting to show it to, that can be embarassing. It can be embarassing because it contains information they’d rather not share widely, or because it isn’t yet polished to an extent that makes them comfortable showing it to others.

To give an example:

  • Teacher: Ok, everyone, take 40 minutes and write a short story about a childhood pet.
  • (40 minutes later)
  • Teacher: Ok, pass your story to the person sitting next to you. Everyone check everyone else’s grammar.
  • This makes several students very uncomfortable, for these reasons:
  • Bob is terrible at grammar and insecure about it. He focused on getting a draft of the story first, not expecting that someone would be taking a red pen to his grammar mistakes. He would have focused on grammar if he’d known it would be a grammar exercise.
  • Susan’s story is about a time her dog ripped up her favorite doll and made her cry. She doesn’t want all of her peers to know that story because some of them will tease her about it. She would have written something less private if she’d known peers would see it.
  • James couldn’t think of a story about his pets and spent the whole time writing how frustrated he was that he couldn’t do the assignment. He doesn’t want his classmate to see that he failed at the assignment.
  • Val didn’t have a real pet and so she wrote about an imaginary robot. She doesn’t know if that counts or not, and is afraid that another student will think she did it wrong.
  • Bruce decided to write a story in a style he’d never tried before, and isn’t happy with the result. He doesn’t want to show his first attempt to a peer. He would have done something he was more familiar with if he’d known.

Short version: When you assign writing assignments to your students, tell them who will be reading them. In particular, if students will be expected to show their work to peers, warn them ahead of time so that they can make an informed choice about what to write.

When is it ok not to tell people things?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Is it okay not to tell someone something because you think they’ll disapprove? Assume it’s something that doesn’t affect their life, only yours, but you know they like hearing about your life and you know their feelings will be hurt if you don’t tell them. Do you have an obligation to tell them?
realsocialskills said:
There are very few things you have an obligation to tell other people about when they’re not personally affected. In fact, off hand, I can’t think of any. (Although, it’s not always 100% straightforward what does and doesn’t directly affect someone. Some things that seem like they don’t actually do.)
That said, outright lying about something the other person is likely to find out about tends to backfire, because it can have a corrosive effect on you. It can make you feel like you must be doing something wrong if you have to lie about it, and it can make you anxious about what will happen when they inevitably find out about it. Sometimes it’s a good idea anyway, but often it is not.
If someone is personally offended that you keep some parts of your life private, that’s a major red flag. It’s a sign that this relationship has bad boundaries.
No friends tell each other everything; no one approves of everything their friend does. There are always at least a few things that it’s better not to discuss.
In mutually respectful friendships, both people understand this and respect one another’s privacy. If someone expect you to tell them everything and gets upset when you don’t, they’re being controlling. They’re not treating you as an equal.
And it usually gets worse over time. If someone can convince you that you’re not allowed to have any boundaries or privacy, they usually keep pushing.
Some people who do this start acting right if you assert boundaries and refuse to tolerate it when they’re breached. That doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes you can assert boundaries enough to make the relationship work even if they never really respect them willingly. Sometimes that doesn’t work and the friendship can’t be safe even if you really, really like them in other ways.