respect – Page 4 – Real Social Skills

Assume your audience contains poor people

November 11, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

Many teachers, religious leaders, and civic leaders want to raise awareness of poverty, often in a move to get their people to favor more socially progressive laws.

One way they do this is by promoting poverty simulations like The Snap Challenge or a Hunger Banquet.

Often, the way they talk about this undermines their own message by assuming that there are no poor people actually in the room. Or, even more so, speaking as though only privileged people have a place in the conversation about poverty.

The fact of the matter is, in just about any room you’re in, there will be people who already know what it’s like to depend on food stamps. There are people in the room who depend on food stamps or have in the past, and they know more about it than the people who spent a few days playing a game.

Those are the voices that should be primary in the conversation. When you’re trying to get people to care about poverty, don’t drown out the voices of actual poor people.

Some practical things this means:

Don’t ask people if they’ve done the food stamp challenge yet
Don’t tell a whole room you’re addressing that everyone should do it, because there are people in the room who shouldn’t, and people in the room who have n choice
If you’re talking about these things, explicitly acknowledge that probably some people in the room already know what this is like and don’t need a simulation to tell them
And point out explicitly that you don’t really know what things are like after a few days
Especially since people get all sorts of social points for participating in those things, people who are *actually* poor get shame and hate and hostility.
Simulations only simulate some things, and not necessarily the most important things
Do not talk over people who have experienced the real thing

When you say “we” to a room, make sure your we includes poor people. If you don’t feel like you can do that within the exercise you’re doing, it’s probably a program that shouldn’t be happening anyway.

Offerring support doesn’t always mean agreeing with someone

August 27, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

One thing I really have a problem with is if a friend that I’m really close to is privately venting to me about someone or a situation and going on and on about it and I want to support them – but even from what they’re saying I think they might be in the wrong or at least not looking at it from the right angle. Disagreeing with people is hard, especially when it might not be your place to say anything? I’m not 100% sure what I’m asking about here.

This can be hard. I think sometimes it can help to ask explicitly if it’s ok to comment.

For instance:

“I think you might not be seeing this from the right angle. Could I tell you how I’m seeing it?”
“Would you like advice?”
“Do you want advice, or just sympathy?”

It’s ok not to agree with your friends. It’s also ok to sympathize with someone even if you think they’re probably making mistakes that are contributing to the situation. And it’s also ok not to actively agree with them, even if you’re being sympathetic.

Like, there’s a difference between weighing in and saying why they’re right and the other person’s wrong, and saying things like:

“That sounds really hard.”
“Are you holding up ok?”
“I hope things get better.”

Sympathy doesn’t necessarily mean agreement.

Of course, it’s also possible for friends to be so far over the line that it’s wrong to offer sympathy in that situation. I think in that situation, you do have to say something, but it doesn’t always have to be extreme or invasive. Sometimes it can just be like:

“This conversation is making me really uncomfortable; can we change the subject?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I’m really not comfortable discussing that with you.”

Sometimes it might mean directly confronting them (eg: If they’re behaving in a really creepy way towards someone else and want to tell you all about it), but I get the sense that this isn’t the kind of situation you’re talking about.

A question about playing games with ‘special needs teenagers’

July 31, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

secondxxsux asked:

What are some good, simple games you could play with a bunch of 14-18 years old special needs teenagers?

That depends entirely on what they like and what their needs are. I can’t really tell you good games without knowing the teenagers in question. All “special needs” tells me is that someone decided that these teenagers should be in a segregated program rather than integrated with non-disabled peers.

You should take into account the very real possibility that kids that age might not be especially interested in playing simple games. A good percentage of teenagers aren’t, and being classed as “special needs” doesn’t necessarily change that.

There are tons of websites that have suggestions for games to play with people of various ages. (Including adults. Don’t ignore suggestions meant for adults). I’d say look those up, see if there are any that seem like the folks you work with might enjoy, and try them. And then, if that doesn’t work, do something else.

But also, ask them. If they’re people who have expressive language, ask them if they know any good games, or what else they’d like to do. If not, make suggestions and see how they react. Respect their communication and preferences.

No one that age should ever have to play a game they don’t want to play.

Asserting adulthood

June 20, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

(TW: possible ableism(?)) This may be a bit of a strange question, but I am an older non-neurotypical person who has a hard time being taken seriously or seen as the adult that I am, and it makes me very insecure and upset when I am talked to, by my coworkers, in a patronizing manner or as if I am a child when I have shown myself to be their equal when it comes to the work we do. Would you happen to have any tips, if it’s not too much of a bother?

This might be something readers have more insight about than I do.

It’s also a bit abstract for me, because there are a number of ways that people fail to treat others like adults. I’m not sure which form it is.

From the way you’ve asked your question, it kind of sounds to me like maybe you feel like you have to prove that you deserve to be treated like an adult. I think it helps to realize that this is not actually something you have to prove. People who treat you like a child are doing something wrong.

And it would be wrong even if you weren’t good at your job. Your adulthood should not be on trial here.

Keeping this in mind makes it harder for people to mess with you.

As far as changing what they actually do, here are some thoughts:

You probably can’t convince them that they’re doing something wrong, and explaining it to them is unlikely to help
Because they’re likely to make it into a conversation about your feelings, and explain to you in patronizing tones why you’re imagining it and being too sensitive.
There might be things you can do unilaterally that help. For instance, it’s ok to interrupt them when they’re speaking to you in a patronizing tone
For instance, if you ask them where a file is, and they launch into a patronizing explanation of the filing system, it’s ok to say, “Yes, I know that. But I’m not sure which category this particular file goes into because [reason], do you know?”

Also, changing the way you dress might help:

If you’re dressing less formally than most people in your field, wearing more formal clothing might be helpful
If you are a man, Men’s Warehouse can explain the default rules of professional attire and help you find something to wear that’s considered appropriate to your body type.
I’m not sure how to do this if you’re a woman, though. The rules of female attire are really complicated
If you’re in a field in which formal attire isn’t expected, changing some things about your clothing still might help
For instance, if everyone wears t-shirts, it might help to avoid t-shirts that have pictures of things associated with childhood (eg: Care Bears, pictures of cartoon characters (including things like Adventure Time or My Little Pony that are also popular among some adults).
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

If you use stim toys, it might help to change the ones you use:

Toys that are also used by children are more likely to be perceived as childish
Eg: silly putty, beanie babies, legos, beads, marbles
Neoballs (little neodium magnet spheres you can build things with) are specifically not for children. The silver, gold, or nickel balls are more likely to be accepted than the brightly colored ones.
Tangle Toys can look professional in some contexts
This is not guaranteed to work, and might make matters worse if it means you feel like you’re stuck trying to prove your adulthood
In any case, it’s not a moral obligation and not a precondition for being an adult. It’s something that may or may not be advisable in certain contexts, and it’s a personal choice

It also might be time to look for another job with people who treat you better. Not all jobs are created equal. Not all working environments have the same culture. There might be other people who would respect you and your professional accomplishments more.

Do any of y’all have further suggestions? (Or think I’m wrong about any of this?)

Communication problems vs boundary indifference

June 13, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

These things are different:

Difficulty reading social cues
Indifference to other people’s boundaries

These get conflated all over the place, in part because they both lead to breaking certain social expectations. But they’re actually fundamentally different (although it’s possible for someone to have both problems)

Both of these things get called social awkwardness. This causes a lot of problems, in particular:

People are pressured to accept boundary-violating behavior as innocuous awkwardness
People who are more innocently awkward are read as threats because people can’t tell the difference

People who don’t care about other people’s boundaries often actually have exceptionally *good* abilities to read social cues, for instance:

Creepy guys in geek space tend to know exactly how much they can harass women without being expelled from the space
And they’re really good at staying just shy of that line
And these dudes often get referred to as just awkward, and women get pressured to accommodate their boundary violations

So, if you want to create spaces that are safe for good people who have trouble reading social cues:

Stop tolerating boundary violations
Start making your spaces more accessible
Use interaction badges as a way to help people understand who welcomes interaction and who doesn’t
Wait a few extra seconds in conversations to give people who process language slowly a chance to speak
Don’t insist that people make eye contact
When you’re organizing loud events, create quiet space people can retreat to
Create multiple ways of contacting event or space organizers (phone, email, etc.) Some forms of communication are very difficult for some people, and spaces are more inclusive if there are more options

Denigrating “The Old Testament God” can be antisemitic

June 7, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

In Christian culture and secular-ish culture in English-speaking majority-Christian countries, it’s popular to talk about how awful the “Old Testament God” is.

This can amount to casual antisemitism, even if it’s not intended. Because this kind of talk is often a coded way of claiming that Christianity is loving and good, but Judaism is backward and violent.

What Christians call the “Old Testament” is what Jews call “The Bible”. So “The Old Testament God” is the God that Jews believe in. It’s not so cool to claim that Christians believe in a loving God but that Jews believe in a violent and vengeful God. It’s not accurate, and it’s a claim that has been used to justify a lot of horrific violence.

The Old Testament God, according to both Jews and Christians, created the world and gave humanity the Ten Commandments. Christians base a lot of their theology on things found in the OT. Christians do not really reject everything done by the Old Testament God. Denigrating the “Old Testament God”, more often than not, is an implied rejection of Jews.

It’s true that the OT depicts God doing some fairly troubling and violent things. But that’s also true of the Gospels. For instance, the Gospels depict a lake of fire in which certain types of sinners are tortured forever. That doesn’t mean that Christians believe in a bad God who likes torturing people. It means that ancient religious texts are complicated and that it’s up to religious people to interpret them in a way compatible with human dignity and human rights.

Christians who believe that the New Testament is a new revelation are entirely capable of doing this. So are Jews who do not believe this. Members of both faiths can be religious in a respectful and good way.

Most people who invoke these claims about the Old Testament God don’t mean any harm, but it is part of an antisemitic tradition that hurts people. There are other ways of opposing the brutality done in the name of religion. It’s counterproductive to invoke the antisemitic trope of denigrating the Old Testament God.

Another thing about therapy

June 6, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

A good percentage of people who need therapy only get it after repeatedly failing at things everyone around them can do. (Especially developmentally disabled children). This is often humiliating.

This means that therapy can be triggering. Therapy involves focusing on difficulties that someone has learned to regard as humiliating flaws. It’s important to keep this in mind when you give therapy.

Don’t expect someone to trust you right away. You have to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. You have to show them that you can be relied on to treat them respectfully. You have to demonstrate that you won’t ever regard them as broken, or make respecting them contingent on them progressing toward a cure.

And it needs to be true. You can’t just affect safety and kindness. You have to actually be trustworthy in a deep way, and let that show through your action.

You don’t get to decide when you have established trust; you don’t get to decide when someone receiving therapy should feel safe. It’s up to the person getting the therapy. (Even if they are a child.)

And if you understand this, you’ll be much more able to help people.

More about respectful therapy

June 3, 2013June 20, 2021 Real Social Skills

This applies to both adults and children. Respect is really important.

Some of what this means is:

Understand that people who need therapy are going to have trouble with it sometimes:

People who have therapy have it because some things are hard for them. This is normal and should be expected in a therapy context.
Being in therapy doesn’t make things easy. It just means someone is getting help learning something
Expect that it’s going to be hard for the person you’re teaching to learn the things you are teaching them
And sometimes they will have trouble in ways you didn’t anticipate
When they are having more trouble than you expect, don’t get angry
And don’t make fun of them
And don’t accuse them of being lazy or wasting your time
And especially, don’t tell them that if they’d just *try*, they’d be able to do it
Help them find a way to figure out how to do the thing.
This means sometimes you might have to spend an hour or hours searching for a way to successfully explain something you think of as simple or obvious
This is part of your job. You’re there to help people figure out how to do things, and sometimes that’s hard.
It’s not ok to get angry at or frustrated with someone when they’re having trouble understanding something. If you’re feeling that way, it’s your problem and not theirs, and you need to find help dealing with it.
Treat people with consistent respect. That makes a huge difference.

Respect your client’s priorities:

Adults in therapy get to decide which things they want to work on
If they want help with one thing, and you think something else would be more helpful, it’s their call and not yours
It’s ok to tell them what you’d advise and why
It’s not ok to coerce them into doing what you want
It’s also not ok to treat them as less-than-human or unworthy of help if their priorities are different from yours
For instance, someone might care about reducing pain but not especially care about walking
Or someone might care about nutrition for cognitive functioning but not especially care about weight loss
And they get to decide that

Kids in therapy also have agency

Kids don’t get to decide everything the way adults do, but what they want still matters
It’s important to acknowledge that they have opinions and priorities
And it’s important to listen seriously. Sometimes they know something you don’t, and sometimes listening will change your opinion of what they should be doing in therapy
And sometimes, their opinions and priorities should be respected even if you think they are making a mistake
This is especially true of teenagers
Don’t equate kids with their parents. Sometimes kids and parents disagree. Listening to the parents isn’t enough
Do listen to the parents, though. They probably know relevant things about your child that you don’t know. Not always, but usually.