Author: Real Social Skills

Abuse doesn’t always go in cycles

Real Social Skills

Content note: This post contains graphic descriptions of emotional abuse and mentions physical abuse. Proceed with caution.

Often people describe abuse as occurring primarily in cycles (including specifically with the pronouns this way):

  • He is effusively loving
  • Then, he resents her being a separate person from him
  • Tension builds up
  • He explodes and hits her
  • Then he’s all ~remorseful~ and swears he’ll never do it again
  • Then he is effusively loving again
  • and the cycle continues

That’s definitely a real thing. But it’s not the only pattern (and even when it is, it happens in gender configurations other than male abusers and female victims, and it’s not always between romantic partners.) There are many, many patterns of abuse and they’re not all discussed very much.

Here’s another pattern (not the only other pattern):

  • The abusive person will be demeaning and effusively loving at the same time
  • They will do something degrading and something genuinely positive simultaneously
  • There won’t be a discernible cyclical pattern because both parts happen at the same time
  • This can be very, very disorienting to the victim, who might be tricked into seeing their abuser as loving, considerate, and insightful, and themself as not living up to their abuser’s love

eg:

  • Daniel: I love you so much. I brought you your favorite flowers. Not everyone would be so understanding of your irrational need for flowers.
  • Daniel hugs Debra
  • Debra hugs back
  • Debra feels awful about herself, and feels good about Daniel

or:

  • Susan: Hey, the fair’s in town. Let’s go!
  • Susan: I made you a jacket to wear.
  • Bill: That’s beautiful! Thank you!
  • They drive to the fair, and it’s warm out, so Bill decides to leave the jacket in the car
  • Susan: Where’s your jacket? Don’t you know that it hurts my feelings when you reject my gifts? I just wanted to have a nice time with you.
  • Susan: I guess it’s not your fault. I know you’ve never been in a successful relationship before. We all have stuff to work on.
  • Bill then tearfully apologizes and promises to work on it.

Short version: If someone is hurting you and it doesn’t seem to be happening in cycles, you are not alone. Abuse doesn’t always happen in a cycle of overt abuse and effusive love. Sometimes abuse is more mixed and constant. Scroll up for one example of a different pattern.

Practicing awkward questions

Real Social Skills

When you enter certain situations, it’s likely that you will be asked awkward, painful, or intrusive questions. It’s sometimes worth preparing yourself ahead of time to deal with those questions so they have less power to derail you in the moment.

Some examples of situations in which this kind of preparation might be helpful:

  • Interviewing for a job in which you’re uncertain of your qualifications
  • Interviewing for a job when you expect to be perceived as incapable because of your age, disability, race, gender, etc
  • Presenting on a topic related to justice, particularly if people are likely to try to get you to ~tell your story~ instead of talking about the issue
  • Pitching a business idea for a new type of product
  • Coming out
  • (any number of other things)

It’s worth preparing because:

  • There are two problems you’re facing:
  • One is that it might feel horrible to be asked certain questions
  • The other problem is that answers to your questions will be used in a way that hurts you
  • It can be tempting to avoid thinking about these questions, because it hurts to anticipate them
  • But that can actually make the questions hurt more, and it can make it harder to protect yourself from the practical consequences of answering the questions
  • If you can make the thought of answering (or deflecting) the questions bearable, then they have a lot less power to hurt you, and you have a lot more power to choose how to respond

One way to prepare is to do a practice run with a friend, where they ask you the questions you’re afraid that you will be asked.

  • One really good way to make the questions bearable is to have someone you trust ask you the questions you’re afraid of being asked
  • That can allow you to practice hearing the question and finding it bearable, and still being ok
  • It can also allow you to practice finding answers, and experimenting with which ones seem most effective.
  • If you’ve had some experience hearing those questions, answering them, and still being ok, it can make it a lot easier to answer them when the answers are immediately important

Writing down your thoughts can also help:

  • It might help to make a list of questions you’re afraid of being asked
  • And thinking through what kind of response you might want to make
  • Any way you can think about it ahead of time is likely to be helpful
  • (That said, be careful about scripting too much if you can avoid it. Words that you generate at least somewhat in the moment are often received better than memorized scripts.)

Short version: If you’re likely to be asked difficult questions, it’s worth practicing answering them. Two things that work well are having a trusted friend ask you those questions, and writing down thoughts.

Surviving awful roommates

Real Social Skills

warpcorps asked:

how to deal with awful roommates without doing a room change esp if you’re nonconfrontational

realsocialskills said:

It depends on what kind of awful, and what your resources are.

If you can’t change rooms or negotiate with them, probably the best thing you can do is figure out things that you can do without their cooperation.

For instance:

If the problem is that they steal your food or take your stuff, it might be worth getting a lockable container, or putting your stuff somewhere they don’t see it.

If they bother you while you’re trying to study, it might be worth finding another place to study. Other possible places to study:

  • The library (can be good if you like quiet, because quiet is enforced, can also help to focus you since other people are studying)
  • An unoccupied classroom (classrooms can be good for studying and internetting because they are often completely empty, and you don’t have to be as quiet as you do in the library)
  • Outside (Some people find it pleasant to read outside if the weather is good)

If they’re loud, and keep you up at night, it might be worth trying earplugs.

Anyone else want to weigh in? How have you survived bad roommates?

When people bait you into fights about controversial issues

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

People ask me what I think about something or how I feel about something. If my answer is unpopular it makes them upset or angry. I have told people not to ask me questions if they don’t want the answer, but that doesn’t seem to be very effective. I am thinking about ignoring questions that are like that, but I don’t know how well that will work or if people will get upset because I ignore them. So at this point I am at a loss for what to do.

realsocialskills said:

I think this depends on the context. I’m assuming here that you’re talking about unpopular opinions related to social issues, religion, politics, or other things that are about deeply held values. If you’re asking a different question (eg: if people are asking you whether you like their art), this answer probably won’t be helpful. That said:

It’s not always possible to avoid offending people.

There’s a social price to be paid for having unpopular opinions. Sometimes it’s really important to people that you agree with them, and some of them will push the issue until you say something that offends them. (And, depending on the nature of the opinions, people might sometimes be justified in pushing the issue.) If you have strongly held unpopular opinions, it’s probably really important to work on keeping perspective in the face of other people’s anger.

But, not everybody is going to be hell-bent on pushing the issue, and even when they are, it’s still sometimes possible to avoid the conversation:

Sometimes the best thing is to immediately change the subject, eg:

  • Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing that we always fight about?
  • You: Let’s not go there. Did you see the game last night?

Some subject-change phrases:

  • “Did you see (episode of show you both like)?“
  • “How’s work?”
  • “How are your kids?“
  • “Do you think the weather will be good enough to go hiking this weekend?”

You can also sometimes evade the question by deflecting it to something vaguely related, eg:

Another possibility: expressing discomfort:

  • Them: So, what do you think about this controversial thing we always fight about?
  • You: I’m not really comfortable talking about that.
  • or: “That’s really personal.“
  • or: “That’s a bit heavier than I like to get at a party; let’s keep it lighter.”

It can also sometimes work to give them a specific warning that they’re treading into potentially offensive territory (although this can also backfire):

  • Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing?
  • You: I think my answer might offend you. Do you really want me to answer that question, or should we talk about something else?
  • or: “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?“

Another possibility: stating your opinion in a matter-of-fact way and refusing to fight about it:

  • Sometimes just stating the opinion in a straightforward way will deflect conflict
  • This doesn’t work with everyone, but it can be really effective with people who are trying to bait you into an emotionally laden fight
  • It’s sometimes possible to say what you think in a way that makes it clear what you think, and that you’re not interested in fighting about it

I’m not totally sure how to describe how to do this. But, eg:

  • Them: What do you think of the really popular ballot measure everyone else at this party likes?
  • You: Actually, I’m against it. I think it’s harmful to people with disabilities.

Sometimes that can even lead to a good conversation. Sometimes it gets them to drop the subject. Sometimes it can lead to an argument (which you might be able to refuse to continue; you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.) It helps a lot if you can take an unapologetic tone that doesn’t sound like you think you’re saying anything objectionable.

Short version: If people try to pick fights with you on controversial issues, there are sometimes ways to deflect them. Scroll up for more details. 

Abuse doesn’t always involve sex or romance

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

A question about emotional abuse: Is it possible to be emotionally abused by a friend or somone who you aren’t romantically involved with? The person in question isn’t in my life anymore but when I think back to our relationship it seems abusive to me.

realsocialskills said:

Yes, it is definitely possible to be abused emotionally (or otherwise), by someone you aren’t romantically or sexually involved with.

Friends can abuse friends. It’s not rare, and it’s often not taken nearly as seriously as it should be.

For some reason, most conversations about abuse seem to assume that abusive relationships are romantic (and that the abuser is male and the victim is female.) But abuse happens in all types of relationships, and among people of all genders.

Abuse isn’t romance gone bad. Abuse is someone pervasively mistreating and harming another person.

You are allowed to think for yourself

Real Social Skills

People pointing out problems with things are not always correct.

Sometimes they’re right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The fact that someone is yelling at you, using social justice terms, and calling it a call out, does not in itself mean you have done something wrong. It just means that someone is angry at you, for reasons that may well be justified, and may well be completely off base, and may well be partly right and partly wrong.

Sometimes people calling you out are right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The only way to figure out what’s true is by thinking about it. There’s no algorithm you can use to mechanically figure out who is right. You have to think for yourself, and consider using your own thoughts whether you think the things someone is telling you are true or not.

You don’t have to earn the right to like things

Real Social Skills

It’s ok to like things. In particular, it’s ok to like stories, and it’s ok to talk about liking them. It’s also ok to write things like headcanons, fanfic, and happy rants about how awesome your favorite character is.

Every story is problematic in some way; that’s not necessarily the most important thing about a story. Which things are and are not dealbreaking is deeply personal.

You don’t have to earn the right to like things. In particular, you don’t have to listen to endless commentary about how the thing you like is actually terrible. You don’t have to talk about it actually being terrible every time you mention the thing.

It’s important to be considerate of others and not try to pressure others into liking the thing you like. Just as it’s ok for you to like it, it’s ok for other people to find the problems dealbreaking.

It’s ok to like something. It’s ok not to. It’s not ok to be a jerk about it.

Electricity is an access issue (short version)

Real Social Skills

A lot of people with disabilities need reliable access to electricity. If you don’t make electricity continuously available at your event, your event is not accessible.

Some people need electricity in order to breathe. Some people need electricity to be able to move across a room. Some people need electricity for life sustaining medical treatments. Some people need electricity to communicate.

All of these people, and anyone else with an access need for electricity, should be welcome at your event. They can be, if you make proper plans and make sure that electricity will be reliably available.

(For further details, see this post.)

Clarifying ambiguous questions

Real Social Skills

hollywoodontap asked:

I have trouble answering questions if the asker has not given me specific details. I feel like I can’t give them what they want unless I’m told precisely what it is they’re looking for. I tend to ask questions in return before getting to an answer.

realsocialskills said:

It’s ok to need details. If asking clarifying questions is working for you, I’d keep doing that. The important thing is to communicate effectively.

Some thoughts on ways to make clarifying questions work:

There are a couple ways to ask in a general way that work for some people:

  • “I need more words”.
  • “I’m confused; can you rephrase?“
  • “That’s kind of abstract – can you be more specific?”

It can sometimes help to be more specific yourself, and offer options. Someone asking a question they think is easily understood might not know how to clarify.

Eg:

  • Jane: What do you think of the foo?
  • You: In what sense? Are you asking if I like it personally, or if I think it’s marketable? Or something else?

or:

  • Joel: What’s Applied Foo 101 like? Should I take it?
  • You: Are you asking about how hard it is, or how interesting it is, or something else?

Another possibility: Guess and then ask if you got it right:

eg:

  • Yosef: Did the thing happen?
  • You: The football game?

or:

  • Erica: Where are the things?
  • You: The supplies?

Sometimes it is better to make your best guess, then answer the question you think they’re asking:

Eg:

  • Susan: How about that foo?
  • You: Do you mean the sales statistics? If so, they’re way up this week.

or:

  • Thomas: Did you do the thing?
  • You: Do you mean my entry in the bad poetry contest. If so, I submitted that today. I’m excited for my chances this year. It was a truly terrible poem.

Short version: It’s ok to need to ask clarifying questions when someone asks you something, even if you need more details than most people need. The important thing is to communicate clearly.

Electricity is an accessibility issue

Real Social Skills

When you’re planning an event, conference, venue, retreat center, house of worship, community center, or similar, it’s important to keep in mind that many people need reliable access to electricity in order to be able to participate. A choice to build or use a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with disabilities.

Access to electricity is always important, but it’s especially important for overnight events or multi-day conferences. Many people with disabilities absolutely depend on electricity to be able to participate in events.

Here are some people you’re excluding if you choose or build a venue without reliable electricity:

People who use electric wheelchairs or mobility scooters:

  • Power chairs do not have infinite battery power
  • They have large batteries that have to be charged overnight
  • Charging them takes a lot of power
  • Minimalist electricity isn’t enough. Having a generator available for a few hours in the evening will not make a conference without electricity accessible to people who need to charge large batteries
  • If people can’t charge their chairs at your event, then you’re excluding power chair users.

High-tech AAC (alternative and augmentative communication) users:

  • Not everyone can talk.
  • Some people who can talk can’t reliably use speech to communicate
  • Many people use high-tech speech-generating devices to communicate
  • (For example, some people use apps such as Speak For Yourself on an iPad, or a dedicated device such as a DynaVox)
  • High-tech AAC devices only work if they are charged
  • The batteries aren’t infinite. Devices need to be charged overnight and some may also need to be charged during the day.
  • If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need to keep their communication devices charged can’t participate
  • A choice to hold an event in a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with communication disabilities who use speech generating devices to communicate

People who use ventilators and other breathing equipment:

  • Everyone needs to breathe
  • Not everyone can breathe adequately on their own
  • Some people need ventilators, bipaps, or other breathing equipment
  • People who use breathing equipment also do things besides sit at home and breathe, like go to conferences or other events you might be planning
  • People need to breathe while they do things like go to your event, which means they probably need to be able to plug in their machines
  • Machines can run off of batteries, but no battery has infinite power. Reliable access to electricity is important. No one should have to worry about where their next breath is coming from because they can’t find an electrical outlet.
  • If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need machines to breathe can’t safely participate in your events
  • If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities who need breathing support

People who need powered medical equipment:

  • Some people with chronic conditions need to do regular nebulizer treatments in order to keep their lungs functioning
  • Some people who eat through feeding tubes need powered infusion pumps to eat safely
  • Some people need to sleep with a CPAP in order to breathe at night
  • Some people use powered dialysis systems at night
  • If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need powered medical equipment can’t safely participate.
  • If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities or chronic conditions who rely on powered medical equipment

Medication:

  • Some people rely on medication that needs to be refrigerated.
  • If you hold a conference in a venue with no electricity and no refrigeration, they can’t safely participate.
  • A choice to hold an event in a venue without electricity is a choice to exclude people who need medication which must be refrigerated.

Some specific considerations in making sure electricity is available:

  • There need to be available outlets in people’s rooms and in the public areas where events are happening
  • Make sure the outlets are available and in good working order
  • (A broken outlet will not charge someone’s wheelchair)
  • Neither will a two-prong outlet. Make sure three-prong outlets are available.
  • If the available outlets aren’t at the tables (or whatever other space) you’re using, make sure you have a three-prong extension cord that reaches them
  • An outlet on the other side of the room is better than nothing, but it’s still a barrier to full participation. Extension cords can often solve that problem.
  • (In any case, a long, three-pronged extension cord is a good thing to keep in your supply kit for events; there are a lot of situations in which they are useful)
  • If you can, arrange the room so that the outlets are near the tables you’ll be using (this is also helpful to people who need to charge computers and phones).

Short version: Electricity is an accessibility issue. Having an event (and especially a conference) in a venue without reliable electricity excludes people with disabilities whose adaptive equipment requires electrical power.