Author: Real Social Skills

Borrowing computers

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Hi… I have a suggestion I’d really like to see: a post with more about people asking to borrow your computer and similar issues and why this can be a problem. Thanks for the blog! 🙂
realsocialskills answered:
Here’s how I’d explain it to people who are inclined to expect to have the use of other people’s computers:
Some people experience their computer/iPad/phone/etc as part of their body and find losing control over these things intensely distressing. Asking to borrow a computer can be like asking to borrow part of someone’s body.
Even for people who do not feel that way – Computers and things are expensive. Some people don’t like to share them, because they depend on them heavily and wouldn’t be able to afford to replace them.
Don’t put people in the position of having to tell you they don’t trust you not to break their computer. There’s no polite way to say that.
It can be ok to ask, but it’s important not to assume that the answer will be yes. And if you’re anticipating the need for a computer during the day, plan ahead rather than putting others on the spot.
For instance:
  • If you know you’ll need to look things up during the day, and you also know that Bob always carries an iPad, don’t just assume that you’ll be able to use his.
  • Either ask in advance, or bring your own
  • If you’re going to need a computer for a presentation or to show a video or something, it’s very important not to assume you’ll be able to use someone else’s.
  • Ask ahead of time, and take no for an answer if someone says no
  • Putting people on the spot pressures them to say yes even if it’s not really ok with them
  • Because it’s likely that everyone will think it’s their fault for ruining your presentation if they don’t agree to share their computer
  • Don’t do this to people.
Some people are happy to occasionally allow friends and coworkers to use their computers. Other people aren’t. It’s ok to be unwilling to share, and the reasons why are no one else’s business. Don’t pressure people into doing things with their computer that they’re not really ok with.

Do not touch other people’s musical instruments

Real Social Skills

chavisory said:

Same as with assistive equipment and service animals-you shouldn’t even touch somebody else’s instrument without asking, usually. Again, unless some kind of unusual familiarity or intimacy creates an exception

realsocialskills said:

Yes. And also, this is *especially* the case if they are not present. Because some instruments are easy to break accidentally in ways that aren’t obvious. If you touch someone’s instrument when they’re not there, they can’t stop you from doing things that will break it.

About musical instruments

Real Social Skills

Serious musicians often experience their instruments as an extension of their body. In any case, their instruments are usually deeply personal things.

High-level instruments also tend to be very expensive and difficult to replace.

Therefore, you should never play a musician’s instrument without asking first.

It’s a good idea to err on the side of not asking, unless you have a very good reason to suspect that they might be ok with sharing their instrument. (Eg: you’re very close friends and you’re both musicians, or you know they’ve been ok with other people playing them sometimes). And it’s good to ask in a way that makes it clear that it’s a request, not a demand.

Pianos and keyboards are a partial exception – since it’s relatively difficult to break them, and they’re usually played by more than one person, most people who have pianos are willing to let other people play them. But it’s still good form to ask.

Some things you can do alone

Real Social Skills

Sometimes people don’t want to interact. In those times, it’s important to have stuff you can be ok doing by yourself. This can also be important if you’re waiting for something and stressed about it.

For some people, that can be very difficult.

Here are things that work for some people:

  • Carrying a drawing pad for doodling.
  • Playing iPhone games
  • writing things (stories, blog posts, thoughts about how you’re feeling)
  • Making lists (eg: of your favorite ball players, of all the country songs involving watermelon you can think of, things you’re anxious about, things you might like to eat)
  • reading a book
  • building things with legos or neoballs

What are some other things?

Asking followup questions

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Is it OK to ask follow-up questions? So if I asked someone “Would you like some of my ice cream?“, and they said no but I felt there was more to it, and I said something like “should I avoid offering you food?”, would that be OK?
This is often ok, yes.
I think phrasing it as “Would you rather I didn’t offer you food?” would be slighting better. “Should I…” could be perceived as defensive, It could also be read as you wanting them to offer a reason that you could  potentially argue with. “Would you rather…” is clearer about wanting to know what their preferences are.
If you can read body language, pay attention to it when you’re asking questions. If they seem uncomfortable, it’s probably better not to ask additional follow up questions.
(If they’re a friend, it might be appropriate to ask if they’re ok. If they’re a professional associate, err on the side of backing off.)
Sometimes it’s better to back off rather than try to fix things, especially if the problem is that someone is feeling really self-concious.

Explaining an idiom: ‘knock on wood’

Real Social Skills
Anonymous asked:
Idioms: Knock on wood?
Knock on wood is a superstitious idiom. It means something like “I really hope to avoid jinxing the outcome I consider desirable.”
Example:
  • Janet: How’s it going?
  • Bill: Things are really great! My business is doing super well, and I think we’re about to get a really big contract.
  • Bill: …knock on wood.

What Bill means is something “I think I’m going to get this contract, but I’m kind of worried that my confidence will jinx it. I am acknowledging this in hopes that it will protect me and that I will in fact get the important contract.”

Boundaries can be different in different contexts

Real Social Skills

Some things are dealbreaking in some contexts, but not others:

  • Things that are deal-breaking for any type of interaction (eg: someone might be unwilling to associate in any way with someone who makes racist jokes)
  • Things that are deal-breaking for friendship, but not business relationships (Someone might tolerate things from a boss out of necessity that they would never tolerate from a friend. Eg: insulting comments).
  • Things that are deal-breaking for romantic relationships, but not friendship (eg: Someone might be ok with friends who get drunk so long as it’s not around them, but not willing to date someone who gets drunk)
  • Things that are deal-breaking only if you have to see them (Eg: Someone might find violent movies triggering, but have no objection to friends etc watching them so long as it’s not around them and they don’t have to hear conversations about them)

These are all lines that different people draw in different places, and that’s ok. It’s a personal decision. But it’s worth knowing that your deal-breakers don’t have to be the same for every type of relationship.

When someone won’t stop making fun of you

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
What do you do when someone is constantly insulting and making fun of you, but every time you try to tell them how much they’re hurting your feelings, they say they don’t want to talk about it? I don’t want to force someone to have a conversation that is painful or uninteresting to them, but it’s also extremely frustrating to deal with constant insults and belittling, and have no way to express how hurt I am or make them stop.
First of all, telling someone to stop insulting and belittling you is not pushing them around. You have every right to tell them to stop, and telling them to stop isn’t bad, even if it makes them feel bad.
That said, it’s possible to tell someone to stop insulting you without making it into a conversation about your feelings. It’s ok to say “That’s not ok. Please don’t say things like that to me.” You don’t owe them a long explanation of *why* it’s not ok.
Sometimes it’s also good to end conversations if someone starts insulting you. Eg “I’m not going to stand here and be insulted. This conversation is over.” and then leave the room, or hang up, or whatever the ending would take in that conversation.

Sometimes boundaries make relationships possible

Real Social Skills

Some people are lovely in some contexts, and awful in others. Sometimes, the only viable way to be their friend is to limit the contexts in which you interact with them.

For instance:

  • Some people are great when they’re sober, but mean when they’re drunk
  • That might mean that you hang out with them in alcohol-free spaces, but not in bars or others places with a lot of booze around
  • (Or it might mean that you don’t hang out with them because habitual drunkenness is dealbreaking for you)
  • Some people are lots of fun around adults, but don’t know how to tone it down around children
  • That might mean that you decide never to bring your kids to places they will be, but that you still hang out with them when kids aren’t around
  • (Or it might mean that you don’t hang out with them because failure to behave appropriately around kids is dealbreaking for you even if kids aren’t around) 
  • Some people are good friends in a personal way, but have abhorrent religious or political beliefs
  • Sometimes it’s possible to remain friends by agreeing not to discuss politics and religion
  • (Or it might not be, if certain kinds of political and religious disagreements are dealbreaking for you. Sometimes they are)

Some things are completely dealbreaking in a friendship. Other things can be accommodated with the right boundaries. 

  • This is a personal decision
  • The parameters of this look different for different people, and that’s ok
  • But for everyone, there are some things that are dealbreakers for relationships, and other things that can be managed by asserting boundaries

When you have trouble remembering that people exist

Real Social Skills
self-assuring-love asked:
Hello kind person, do you have any advice for someone who forgets that entire people exist unless they have frequent and obvious reminders? I will forget to talk to people for months or years at a time, simply because I’m not prompted to. By the time I remember, it’s been long enough that I’m shy and scared to talk to them again. Any help with re-establishing contact? And explaining to them/new friends what’s going on? And remembering to talk with them in the first place?

realsocialskills answered:

I think Facebook can be helpful for this, actually. If you see someone’s posts in your news feed, it can be easier to remember that they exist.

It’s also ok to start conversations along the lines of:

  • Mention the thing that prompted you to remember them
  • Mention it’s been a while
  • Say you’d like to catch up
  • If possible, say some specific form of catching up

For instance, say Fred forgot all about Bill until he saw him in the news. Fred might send an email along the lines of:

Hey Bill! I just saw the news article about you and the dolphins. I can’t believe how long it’s been, and I’d really like to catch up. Do you want to maybe get coffee sometime next week?

Or, say, Fred is at a party, and runs into Sandra:

  • Sandra: Hi Fred! Is that you?!
  • Fred: Oh, wow, hi Sandra. How’ve you been? I feel like it’s been forever.
  • Sandra: Yeah, I came here with Bill.
  • Fred: Oh wow, I haven’t seen him in forever either. How’ve you guys been? What’s been up?

Keep in mind that if you’ve forgotten they exist for months or years because you haven’t been reminded, this means they haven’t been initiating interactions either. If they had, you’d’ve been reminded that they exist.