Category: reader questions

When you prefer not to decide something

Real Social Skills
wolfesbrain asked:
Read the post about consent problems. Curious about not quite opposite problem. Lack of opinion/preference being mistaken as consent problem e.g. “Where do you wanna go for lunch?” “I’m fine with wherever you want .” “Yeah, but, where do /you/ want?”
realsocialskills said:
Sometimes you can solve that problem by telling them explicitly that you want them to decide. Eg:
  • “I’d like you to pick a place.”
  • “I’m kind of tired of all the places I go, do you know of somewhere good?”

If you say it this way, it’s clearer that you’re actually *expressing* a preference (that they decide), and it looks less like you’re avoiding saying what you want in order to be polite.

Another possibility is to ask them for help narrowing it down, eg:

  • “Can you give me some options?”
  • “What are some places you like?”

Then, if you really don’t have a preference, you can pick one of their suggestions at random. And if you do have a preference, hearing a list can make it easier to make a choice.

These approaches don’t always work, but they do in a lot of situations.

Listening to Someone Facing a Bad Situation

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I have a question and don’t know if you already answered something like it. How can you show support for someone without making it about yourself? like *someone talking about a crap thing that happened* *I answer with how a similar crap thing happened to me or someone I know* I just don’t know what to say other than “well that sucks”, but I always feel like that comes across as not caring (and so does my other approach tbh…)
realsocialskills answered:
It depends on the situation. What you’re describing sounds like the kind of situation in which listening might be the most important thing.
Sometimes what people need is not for you to say things. Sometimes, what people need is for you to listen to them. It can feel like you’re supposed to be filling the conversation with helpful words – but often, it’s much more helpful to create space that they can fill with the things they want to say. Often, it’s important to listen more than you talk.
One way you can create space is by saying things like (depending on the situation):
  • “That sounds hard”
  • “It sounds like things are really hard right now”
  • “It sounds like a lot of people are hurting you”

Another way you can create space is to just sit with them. There don’t always have to be words. Sometimes, pauses are important. Don’t try to fill all of them.

Another way you can create space is by listening to what they’re saying, and repeating part of it in a tone that indicates that you’re asking about it:

  • It’s somewhat hard to describe how to do this
  • Because formulaically repeating everything someone says is obnoxious
  • But if you choose well what to repeat, it can indicate that you understand what they’re saying, and that you want to listen to more of what they have to say
  • And then, you can respond with your own words when you have things to say that might help

Eg:

  • Susan: The crap thing happened to me *again*.
  • Debra: Again?!
  • Susan: Yes. The people who do that thing always do the thing!
  • Debra: They always do it?
  • Susan: Yes, they do that every single day. Sometimes multiple times. I can’t get them to stop because they outrank me and if I complain I’ll be fired.

Sometimes, people want more from you than just listening. Sometimes, they want advice or practical support. It’s ok and good to offer it, but bad for you to try to take over the conversation with it.

For instance, say the conversation continued:

  • Debra: You’ll be fired?
  • Susan: Yes – the last five women who complained all got fired last month.
  • Debra: I know a good lawyer who does that kind of work – would you like their contact information?
  • Susan: Maybe. I’m not sure it would do any good though. I really can’t afford to lose this job.

Debra here thought that she knew something that might help, and offered it to Susan. Debra didn’t try to force it on Susan. This was a good way to offer support. Here’s a different way the conversation could have gone:

  • Debra: That’s illegal! You should totally sue them! I’ll tell my lawyer about this, they’ve done a lot of this kind of work.
  • Susan: I don’t think that’s a good idea – I REALLY can’t afford to lose this job.
  • Debra: Don’t be silly. The law is on your side. Don’t you want to protect other women from the crap thing they do every day?

Here, Debra isn’t listening to Susan. She thinks she knows best, and wants to push Susan into doing it. That’s not a good way to support others. Push come to shove, people need to make their own decisions, and trying to control them causes a lot of problems.

Sometimes it can work to relate things to your own experiences, but in a way that doesn’t take over the conversation. For instance:

  • Bob: This crap thing happened to me!
  • James: That sounds awful.
  • Bob: Yes, it is awful. And on top of that, they made it even worse by ___.
  • James: I think something similar happened to me last year.

Here, James waits to see if Bob picks up that line of conversation, and reacts according to what Bob wants to talk about. Eg, say it went this way:

  • James: I think something similar happened to me last year.
  • Bob: What happened with you?
  • James: Related crap thing happened.
  •  Bob: Huh. What did you do about that?
  • (and then they continue the conversation, and talk about their shared experiences)

Another way this could have gone:

  • James: I think something similar happened to me last year.
  • Bob: Huh. Well, and then I yelled at them for doing the crap thing, and then I got in trouble for yelling!
  • James: You got in trouble for yelling at them?
  • (here, the conversation continues based on what Bob wants to talk about. Since Bob wants to talk about his experience and not James’, James shows support for Bob by dropping it and listening to him)

In short:

  • When someone wants to talk to you about something awful that happened to them, make sure you’re listening and not taking up all of the space.
  • If they want advice or practical help and you have some to offer, offer it. Don’t try to take over and tell them what to do.
  • If you have shared experience, offer to talk about it if it seems possibly welcome. Drop it if they want to talk about their own experience and not yours
  • If they just want you to listen, listen.
  • In any case, follow their lead and make sure it’s about supporting them.

On not opening a discussion

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I would probably do this: The first time, just pull away. That should give them a message. If they keep doing it just as often, the next time, say something low-key like “Please don’t touch my leg” or “I’d rather not hold hands” or “I prefer not to be touched” or just “Sorry, no” while pulling away. That should give them a message. If they keep doing it just as often, the next time give a firmer message like “It bothers me when you touch me like that.” That should open a discussion.
realsocialskills said:
I mostly agree with you. I think that you’ve described a good progression of ways to assert a boundary.
The point I disagree with you on is that you’ve described this as a way to open a discussion. I don’t think this is about opening discussion; I think it’s about asserting a boundary. The OP does not have to negotiate with her friend. She doesn’t have to convince her that she has good reasons not to want to be touch. OP can have this as a unilateral boundary.
“Don’t touch me” means “don’t touch me”. It doesn’t mean “let’s have an extended emotionally fraught conversation about your desire to touch me.”
If the OP wants to have that conversation with her friend, it’s ok to do that – but it really sounded to me like she just wanted her to stop. And that’s ok too.

Arguing isn’t always ok

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
… If someone acts defensive and argues when you criticize them for touching you, and from then on is very careful not to touch you, then they’re just nervous and don’t like criticism. That’s fine. The problem would be if they really act as if they have a right to touch you after you’ve asked them not to. Or actually the problem would be if they keep doing it, for whatever reason.
realsocialskills said:
I don’t think it is at all ok to be that resistant to criticism.
Sometimes it’s ok and right to argue if you think someone is misjudging you, but it’s not ok to have that be your default response every time someone says no to you.
Especially when what they are saying is along the lines of “I don’t like being touched that way, please stop.”
It’s not ok to resist that kind of thing, and it’s especially not ok to try to get them to back down by arguing about it. People have the right not to want to be touched. People who don’t understand this and put pressure on others to accept touch from them are dangerous.
It’s definitely better to argue and then respect the boundary from then on than it is to not stop at all. But that doesn’t mean the arguing was ok to begin with. (Everyone makes mistakes, and if you find that you have argued in a boundary-violating way, the first step is to apologize.)
It’s ok that sometimes things hurt to hear; it’s not ok to try to make that hurt go away by arguing or otherwise putting pressure on someone to let you do what you want to them. It’s ok to be nervous or uncomfortable about criticism; it’s not ok to pressure someone else into making you feel better by doing what you wanted.
It can be hard to learn to hear no when you really want someone to say yes, it can be hard to learn to respect that and not push someone into something they don’t want, but it’s really, really important.

Saying no to unwanted touch

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

One of my friends has recently begun touching me a lot, either by grabbing my hand or knee etc in situations that don’t necessarily feel they warrant such contact and don’t actually feel organic.

At best this is just a case of her being too physical and making me uncomf, at worst, knowing that I’m queer, it may be that she is trying to make me her “experiment,” despite also knowing I’m in a monog. relat.

I can’t tell exactly if I’m overreacting or not but either way, if this continues, I’m not at all sure I know how to handle the situation. It’s difficult for me to imagine navigating this type of conversation, esp if I want to keep the friendship (since I know what I would do if this was a situation with a man, or someone with whom I didn’t want to maintain a friendship).

Plus, being a survivor makes navigating all of this all the more difficult. I would appreciate your advice, thank you.

realsocialskills said:

I don’t have a lot of experience defusing this kind of situation successfully, so I’m not sure my answer will be a good one.

This is my best guess:

First of all, I think you’re probably not overreacting:

  • When people repeatedly touch others in invasive ways, it’s usually not an accident
  • It’s really, really common for people to touch others in invasive ways that are just-barely-deniable
  • People who think others are touching them in creepy ways are usually right
  • This is especially true if the person who is touching you invasively *used* to only touch you in ways you were ok with

Second of all, regardless of why she’s touching you, it’s ok to want it to stop:

  • There are all kinds of reasons that friends sometimes don’t want to be touched in various ways
  • If you don’t want her touching your leg or holding your hand, it’s absolutely your right to have it stop
  • If she’s doing this unintentionally, telling her in the moment to stop might solve the problem
  • Friends do sometimes inadvertently violate the boundaries of friends, *and if they respect their friends, they stop when they find out it isn’t welcome*

Things you might say (possibly in combination with pulling away or pushing her hand away from where you don’t want it to be):

  • “I don’t like that”
  • “I don’t want to hold hands”
  • “Please don’t touch my leg”
  • And if it is repeated, you might add “I meant it”.

She might respond by angrily denying that she’s doing anything wrong. That’s a sign that something is seriously wrong:

  • Telling her to stop touching you in ways you don’t like is not an accusation
  • It just means telling her that you don’t like it and want it to stop
  • It might hurt to hear that, because nobody likes hearing that they’ve done something wrong. But if she lashes out at you about it, that’s a sign that she feels entitled to your body
  • And whether or not it’s sexually motivated, that’s a major problem
  • I wrote this post and this post about that kind of reaction

Captain Awkward also has a post on unwanted and possibly-sexual touching from friends  which might be helpful.

False assumptions made about wheelchair users

Real Social Skills
A reader asked
 
There are also cases of false assumptions being made about wheelchair users – e.g. they have full hand function, that they aren’t heavy etc. There have been a number of times my dad’s been trapped in lifts because you need to press the small lift buttons (he doesn’t have fine hand control) and the lift can’t carry him (a fully-grown, slightly overweight man) his electric wheelchair (built in the 1980s), and a button-pusher, due to weight restrictions or space in the lift car.
 
realsocialskills answered:
 
Yes, those are all also things that can cause access features to be inaccessible.
 
Sometimes these things are designed as though all people who need flat entrances and lifts are all either little children, accompanied by able-bodied people, or 20-something paraplegic athletes who use lightweight manual chairs.
 
And that’s really not the reality.

Some ways that ramps can be inaccessible

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I agree with you. I’d just like more information so I can understand it better and imagine it more clearly. How exactly do the people with strollers make the ramps inaccessible to wheelchair users? Do they also make the ramps inaccessible to other stroller users? Or is using a wheelchair on a ramp a lot more difficult than using a stroller on a ramp? Do the wheelchair users need a lot of space? How much? Do they need to use momentum? How can you tell if someone wants to use the ramp?
realsocialskills said:
There are a few ways this can happen that I know of:
  • The ramp is so popular with stroller users that it’s always crowded with them and wheelchair users still have trouble getting in
  • Parents pushing kids in strollers often like to chat with other parents, and often position themselves such that they are in the way while chatting.
  • Ramps that are wide enough for only one wheelchair user are sometimes wide enough for two strollers. That can mean that there are folks pushing strollers in both directors, and no room for a wheelchair user to get through, and waiting doesn’t help since people are going both ways.
Those are just a few examples – there are a lot of other ways that ramps can be inaccessible.

Trust is never guaranteed

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Way to regain trust after losing it?
realsocialskills answered:
First and foremost, you have to accept that you might not get the trust back. When you’ve lost someone’s trust, it’s their decision whether or not they ever want to trust you again.
Nothing you do can guarantee that they will ever trust you again.
But, what you can do is work on being trustworthy. Whether or not this person ever trusts you again, it’s worth doing and will help you to treat others better and maintain good relationships.
Respect that person’s boundaries.
  • If they’ve asked you not to contact them, don’t. (Not even to apologize).
  • If they’ve asked you to avoid particular methods of contact (eg phone), don’t use them
Understand what you did.
  • If the person wants to tell you, listen
  • If they don’t, think about it on your own
  • (Actually, think through it even if they do want to tell you; you have to develop your own understanding; repeating what they say and apologizing isn’t enough.)
  • You can get a lot of understanding by thinking
  • If there are things you can read relevant to what happened, that can also be helpful
Apologize if apologies are welcome.
  • But do not do this if they have told you not to contact them
  • And do not do it with an expectation that this means they will forgive you and trust you again
  • Apologies can be important, but they aren’t magic
  • And they’re particularly not magical incantations which make people trust you
  • What they do is communicate that you know that you did wrong, and that you care about not repeating that mistake
  • That isn’t necessarily going to be enough; whether it is enough is ultimately their decision
  • But it’s still a worthwhile message
  • And knowing that you understand what you did wrong sometimes does make it possible for people to trust you again
If you have personal demons that are making it hard for you to act ways that make it safe for others to trust you, work on addressing that:
  • Do not explain this to the other person in order to deflect criticism or downplay what you did.
  • They are not responsible for helping you to get past the things that are currently making you unsafe for them to be around
  • But do recognize it as a contributing factor and do what you can to fix it
  • Some common examples:
  • Having trouble being honest about your boundaries
  • Being hurt and angry when your friends don’t do what you want them to do
  • Finding it emotionally threatening when your friends have significant bonds with other people
  • Finding criticism and conflict unbearably threatening to your self image
  • Disability shame. If you’re trying to avoid facing your disability or mental illness, it’s hard to accurately predict what you can and can’t do. It can also be hard to be honest with others, and this can cause a lot of relationship problems.
  • None of these things mean you’re doomed, but they might mean you have what to work on

If you have access to a safe and insightful therapist, it might be worth considering getting professional help:

  • Therapy is not a viable option for everyone
  • It is also not a magical solution. Going to therapy will not, in itself, make you trustworthy. It’s one method of support that can help you find ways forward
  • If therapy is not a viable an option for you, you are not doomed; you can still work on learning how to be ok and treat others right
  • But for some people, therapy can make this much, much easier
  • If you think that might be the case for you, look into it

Supporting kids who are below grade level

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m a reading tutor for kids who are below grade level. This is a Title 1 school, which means poverty and the parents don’t speak English. The kids in my program do. I have a lot of discipline problems, ie, kids refuse to come in from recess to come to the program, kids being disruptive in group sessions. We don’t get the kids who are DIAGNOSED severely disabled. They’re all in grades 2-5.

So, what should I  be doing to get kids who don’t want to come in from recess to come in? So far, a sticker/star reward system is helping the group sessions, but some kids still call out, interrupt me and other kids, and won’t write answers unless I tell them what to write.

Any suggestions?

realsocialskills said:

Someone I know who does remedial reading has had success with some of these things:

Using computer or iPad reading games

  • Some kids who associate books with humiliation and failure don’t have the same association with computer-based things
  • But if you’re going to do this, make sure the games you pick are actually fun
  • It doesn’t work if it’s exactly like the thing that’s miserable for them off the computer
  • Particularly if it’s just a simulated standardized test

Having kids read plays together

  • This can work well as a group activity,
  • Particularly since all the kids are involved even when it’s not their turn to read
  • Some kids who don’t like taking turns reading stuff *do* like taking turns reading parts in a play
  • Also, again, it’s something they’re much less likely to associate with failure and humiliation
  • You can get books of kids plays that are designed for various reading levels

Use books with positive representation of kids like them:

  • Far, far too many kids books are about rich white kids
  • If all of your books are about rich white kids, you can end up inadvertently sending the message that you don’t respect your students (especially if you are white, but even if you are not)
  • Or that reading is rich and white
  • Having books that have poor kids, disabled kids, and kids of color can make a big difference
  • Particularly if they are good books
  • Particularly if they are books written by people from the same culture as the kids you teach
  • Immigrant kids come under *tremendous* pressure to assimilate and reject the cultures they came from
  • And it’s worth making an effort to make sure that what you do isn’t part of that

Do what you can to make it a safe space for kids who are struggling:

  • Do not let kids make fun of other kids
  • Do not have competitions between kids
  • Do not laugh at mistakes, even if they’re funny
  • (But do let kids laugh at *your* mistakes, even if they’re not funny)
  • Praise people for trying, not just succeeding
  • Because being willing to try over and over until you do something successfully is important
  • And for kids who have been humiliated for failing, it can be really important that you explicitly respect their efforts

Sometimes it helps to modify things in a way that work with rather than against kids’ behavior:

  • If kids are calling out, make a lesson where that’s *supposed* to happen
  • Have some time where you tell kids what to write and that’s ok
  • (And where if kids decide to not write what you tell them and to write something else, that’s also ok)
  • I can’t think of more examples offhand, but I know that this is something that people do successfully
  • Remember that the point is getting kids to learn, not getting them to obey you
  • (You do have to control the classroom to an extent – but it’s worth avoiding avoidable power struggles, and modifying your approach when kids refuse to cooperate with your initial plan isn’t a failure )

But also, are kids being pulled out of recess in order to go to extra lessons? That strikes me as inherently likely to end poorly. If that’s what’s happening, is there any way you can pull the kids out of something else instead?

“I can’t” is an important phrase

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

… I think it’s more empowering to say “I decided to stop” than to say “I can’t”. It’s OK to stop when there’s still a tiny chance that you might have been able to succeed.

realsocialskills answered

There are different reasons why people decide to stop doing things.

One reason is that they reach the conclusion that they probably aren’t capable of doing the thing. Probably

That’s different than reaching the conclusion that they don’t want to do it, or that it’s not worth doing, or that they’d rather do something else.

Actually this reminds me of something I’ve seen – often disabled kids who can’t do something will pretend that they’re refusing to do the thing. And that they’re refusing to do the thing on purpose in order to provoke the teachers. When everyone involved thinks that’s what’s happening, things can get really bad really quickly.

(Particularly if the thing is something like a kid going nonverbal and pretending that they’re refusing to speak and are just making animal noises to be rude).

Inability to do things is real, and it’s important for people to know their limits and take them seriously.

Acknowledging limits makes it much more possible to do things than pretending not to have any.

Ignoring reality isn’t empowering.

And it’s legitimate to say “I can’t” when what you mean is “it’s possible that I might technically be able to do it, but it’s risky and dangerous, and I couldn’t function if I took that kind of risk routinely”.

(This is in fact a meaning of “can’t” used by people without disabilities all the time.)