Category: reader questions

How do you get someone who is telling you what to do with your body to go away?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
How do you get someone who is telling you what to do with your body to go away?
realsocialskills said:
There’s no foolproof method. It depends heavily on the circumstances, and some people won’t take no for an answer. That said, here are things that work sometimes:
  • Walking away from the person.
  • “I don’t want to talk about that.”
  • “Please stop.”
  • “Thank you for your concern”.
  • “I’ll have to think about that.”

Changing the subject can also help. Or, combining saying no with changing the subject.

Storytelling and cooperating with journalists

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Journalists aren’t your enemy, either. They want a good story. You can cooperate and tell them what you have to say in a way that will make a good story and also be OK for yourself. Thinking of them as an enemy might stop you from doing that, and then they might end up asking you trickier questions: a self-fulfilling prophecy; they have to get a story one way or another. They might just want 1 or 2 very short quotes, and these can be your heartfelt message, if you want. Or you can say nothing.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, that is true. It’s possible to work with journalists in a way that is mutually beneficial.
It’s just important to realize that their agenda is to get a good story, not to help you. And that your interests don’t necessarily match, and you have to be careful to keep control over your message.
One way journalists can get a good story is by reporting on some ridiculous extremists or someone who has an unbelievably ill-advised business model. They can write you that way, if that’s what will make the story good – being a good person with a good business or a just cause is not a protection from this kind of spin.
It’s important to understand that when you’re dealing with the media.

Tips on how to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Do you have any tips on how to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not? As in whether or not someone intends to cause harm to you, etc. I find that I never realize I’m being mistreated until it’s too late, and it makes it really hard for me to find good friend, especially IRL. Advice/tips?
realsocialskills said:
Here are some things I consider to be red flags:
Having a strong self-image as not being the kind of person who does bad things:
  • We all do bad things, even awful things, from time to time
  • People who think that they’re “not that kind of person” actively avoid noticing when they’ve done bad things
  • People who deal with one another regularly hurt one another from time to time, and it’s important to be able to acknowledge this and fix things
  • If you’re dealing with someone who can’t bear the thought of having done something wrong, you’re not going to be able to tell them when they’ve hurt you
  • Because they will blow up at you and hurt you worse when you try, or else they’ll cry and convince you that you’re a terrible person for making mean baseless accusations.
  • Either way, it will make it impossible to deal with problems, and you’ll end up tolerating things that hurt you badly
  • I wrote about that some here
Expecting immediate trust
  • Trust is developed over time
  • If someone wants you to talk about deeply personal things right away, and gets upset when you don’t, they’re not respecting your boundaries and that’s dangerous
Asserting that a deeply intimate relationship exists without considering your opinion on the matter relevant
  • Close friendship only exists if you *both* think it does
  • You are only dating if *both* of you think that you are dating
  • Someone can’t just decide that they’re close to you and that you have a deep close committed relationship; you both have to want it
  • If someone considers your opinion of the matter irrelevant, run.
  • I wrote a post about that here

Wanting you to depend on them

  • If someone tells you that you couldn’t function without them, do not trust them
  • If they want you to fix your life, do not trust them
  • If they think your sanity depends on their loving understanding care, *seriously* do not trust them
  • If they get angry, or hurt, or cry when you don’t do what they want you to do in your personal life, don’t trust them

Being under the impression that they’re doing you a favor:

  • If they think that they’re doing you a favor by being friends with someone like you, they’re not likely to treat you well
  • Friendship is not a charitable act. It is a mutual relationship between people who regard one another as equals.
  • Similarly, when someone thinks they’re doing you a favor by employing you, it will probably end badly

If people you trust dislike them:

  • If you have people you know to be trustworthy, and they don’t like a new person in your life, it’s important to find out why
  • Sometimes they will be wrong, but often they will be right
  • It’s important to figure out what’s going on, and why they think that – then if you disagree that’s fine, but it’s not a good idea to dismiss it without thinking about it

I’ve also written a lot of posts relevant to this issue. It might help you to read through some of the related tags.

Some phrases that are literally neutral but have negative connotations

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I often have problems with phrases that are literally neutral, but have negative connotations. For example: for years, I thought ‘forget about it’ was a polite way to tell someone that they didn’t have to worry about a situation. Eventually, I realized this was insulting. If possible, could you please list some more phrases that are literally neutral but have negative connotations? Possible with the connotative definition?
Realsocialskills answered:
Most of these aren’t always negative, but they can have negative connotations depending on context and tone:

  • That’s nice (“I don’t care”)
  • Uh huh (“I don’t believe you and/or I wish you’d shut up about this”)
  • Fine (Can be taken to mean “I’m not ok with this, but I’d rather put up with it than discuss it further. I’m probably going to stay mad about this”
  • Whatever (“I don’t respect your opinion and want you to shut up about it”)
  • Never mind (“I wish you’d shut up.” or “You’re obviously not going to do anything worthwhile about this, so I want to drop the subject”)
  • I hope you’re happy (“You’re doing a stupid thing that I have contempt for”)
  • Duly noted (“I don’t care”)
  • It doesn’t matter (“It matters, but I don’t respect you enough to say why”)
  • I guess (“I don’t think I agree, but I don’t want to say why”)
  • Thanks for sharing (“What you said was inappropriately personal”)
  • Interesting (“That’s boring, annoying, or offensive, and I would like you to stop talking about it”)
  • Really? (In certain tones it can mean “I don’t believe you and can’t believe you would say such a stupid thing” or “I think you’re lying to me and I’m angry about that.” It doesn’t always have that kind of connotation, though – it can also just be a way of expressing surprise.)
  • Good luck with that (“That’s a stupid idea” or “That’s going to fail and I can’t believe you’re trying it”)
  • If you say so (“I don’t believe you and can’t believe you would say such a stupid thing”)

Can “you’re scaring/hurting me, please stop” get twisted and become a bad/manipulative thing?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Can “you’re scaring/hurting me, please stop” get twisted and become a bad/manipulative thing? I’m thinking it can, but am not sure where the line is.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, it definitely can. I don’t know how to describe where the line is, but it’s definitely possible to use those phrases to manipulate or hurt others.

Anti-lesbian hate joke example

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
The racist ice cream joke you just posted about can also be swung in the direction of sexual harassment. When kids found out my friend and I were lesbians, they would torment us with similar jokes just to get us to “admit” to liking dick. I still don’t understand why jokes like that could be funny to anyone.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, that’s another really common kind of hate joke. I have some theories about why people tell jokes like that, but they’re not yet well-formed enough to explain outside my head.

Hate joke example

Real Social Skills
Content warning: This post is an example of a racist hate joke. Some of y’all might be better off skipping this one.
A reader asked:
When I was in middle school there was a racist ‘personality quiz’ joke that was framed as an innocent question, “Which would you rather have: vanilla or chocolate ice cream?” If you said you like chocolate better, it meant you preferred oral sex with a black boy. Trust me, white girls quickly changed their answers when they realized what the implication was.
realsocialskills said:
Wow, that’s horrible. And it’s a particularly clear example of a hate joke. (I bet most of those same girls vehemently denied that they could ever have any racist attitudes.)

“Tell you mom I say hello!”

Real Social Skills
I’ve always been confused about how to handle this situation, and it happens mainly in relation to my family members. For example, I’ll be at a grocery store, and I’ll run into someone who knows me and my parents. After we exchange pleasantries, they’ll say something like “Tell you mom I say hello!” Should I take that literally and tell my mom that person says hello or is it one of those weird social things where people tell you do something, but you don’t really do it?
realsocialskills said:
I think that it’s the kind of thing where it’s ok if you do it, and ok if you don’t.
Like, for instance: “Oh, by the way, I ran into Sarah in the store. She says hi.“
I’ve found that it’s often difficult to pass on the greeting. Sometimes there’s no natural way to do it; sometimes there just isn’t a point in the conversation you have with the person where passing along the greeting would feel on-topic.
And the longer it’s been, the more weird it gets.
It’s ok not to pass on the greeting, and probably better not to if it’s been more than a day or so.
If you don’t pass on the greeting, no one is likely to mind.
The exception is if it’s someone you haven’t seen in a long time and seeing them was generally surprising or otherwise notable. Because then passing on the greeting gives the person you’re passing it to meaningful information. Eg:
“Guess who I saw in the store? Sarah! I haven’t seen her in ages! She says hi.”

Noticing power

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
How do you know if you have power over someone? There are times when it’s obvious, of course, like if you’re someone’s employer or teacher or caretaker. But if you don’t have any power over them in any official capacity, you can still have power over them in other ways that are less obvious. But sometimes I find it hard to tell if someone thinks of themselves as my equal or not, when I don’t have official power over them. Sorry, I know this is probably a stupid question.

realsocialskills said:

This isn’t a stupid question. It’s complicated. There’s no simple way to be sure. Power is something you have to always be noticing.

Some situations in which you have power (not exhaustive; but some things I know about):

  • Someone is financially dependent on you
  • (Including situations in which you’re letting a friend stay with you because they have no other place to go)
  • Someone has been socialized to never say no, and wants to please you
  • Someone you know damaging secrets about, especially if they don’t know any of yours
  • When you’re a senior member of a profession and they’re new
  • You’re interacting with someone who has been socialized not to be able to say no to you
  • You’re much older than the other person, but still young enough to have social power
  • The person you are interacting with lives in a nursing home
  • You are a mental health professional who is likely to be believed if you say someone is suicidal or otherwise in need of coerced treatment (especially if you are that person’s doctor or therapist, but even if you’re not)
  • You’re clergy or have a related kind of religious status
  • You’re bigger and stronger than the other person

Boundaries of talking about sex in public

Real Social Skills
hibikiniviking asked:
 
What do you think about talking sexually (“I got a butt plug” kind of thing) in public (maybe at the mall) with friends? I like to talk about (often, gay) sex (it’s fun and liberating), and don’t care who hears, but there’s the issue of children sometimes being around without my knowing, and other people having had terrible experiences (e.g. rape). So, how does one appropriately talk about sex while keeping in mind the feelings of those who can overhear? Refrain? Whisper? With a protest banner?

realsocialskills said:

I think, generally speaking, it’s rude to talk about explicit details of sex in public places where you are likely to be overheard.

I think this is especially important in contexts in which people can’t escape easily. For instance, having sexually explicit conversations on the subway is bad because people have no choice but to listen.

This isn’t just a matter of consideration for people who have been raped or otherwise harmed. It’s also a matter of boundaries. Most people regard hearing explicit details about someone’s sex life or fantasies to be a form of sexual behavior. (Similar to how people regard phone sex or reading porn as sexual acts). Talking that way around people who don’t want to hear it can be a form of involving others in your sex life without their permission.

It’s especially bad if you’re talking this way when kids are around, which is generally the case in public places.

It’s different in contexts in which there’s an understanding that sexually explicit conversations are likely. For instance, if you’re at a convention centered around sexuality, then having sexually explicit conversations in convention space is probably not rude. (Having them directly *with* people who haven’t indicated clearly that they want to have that kind of conversation with you *is* rude and creepy, though).

It’s also different if you’re keeping a reasonable distance from others and keeping your voices down. If someone has to be going out of their way to listen in order to hear you, then they’re responsible for their decision to eavesdrop.

Basically, don’t subject people to explicit conversations about sexuality unless they’re willing participants.