Uncategorized – Page 13 – Real Social Skills

Appearing to enjoy behavior modificiation is not meaningful

July 17, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

One common response to criticism of ABA is to claim that people subjected to it enjoy it:

“My child loves his therapist and asks to go to sessions!”
“All of my clients smile and have fun!”
“My ABA is play based!”

What people forget is that affect is a set of behaviors, and that behavior modification methods work as well on affective behaviors as they do on anything else:

You can reinforce people to look happy
You can reinforce people to praise therapy
It doesn’t have to be an explicit part of the behavior plan to happen
And it can keep happening even after you fade direct prompts or direct intentional reinforcers

ABA programs give the therapist massive power over the person. That power in itself can cause people to look happy, through a more subtle reinforcement mechanism than takes place on a behavior plan:

If you have power over someone in the way that behavior therapists do, they’re going to be highly motivated to please you
If they figure out that you want to believe that they are happy, they are very likely to act like they are
If you treat them better when they display the affect you want or praise you, they’re likely to act happy.
It doesn’t mean they’re actually happy
Or that what you’re doing is good for them

(Also, affect often is an explicit part of someone’s behavior plan. It is not at all uncommon for ABA programs to involve actively ignoring distress and withholding attention and rewards until someone looks happy. It is not at all uncommon for ABA programs to involve teaching people to smile, to hug, or to otherwise do things that would out-of-context indicate happiness, enjoyment, or affection. It doesn’t have the same meaning if it’s prompted or trained.)

Also, programs based on positive reinforcement involving controlling someone’s access to stuff they care about:

The first step in a program based on positive reinforcement is to find out what someone most enjoys or cares about
(This is called a preference assessment or a reinforcement inventory. Here’s an example.)
And then making sure they have no access (or limited access) to those things outside of sessions or other situations in which someone is actively reinforcing them to do something
Of course if someone’s only access to everything important to them happens in sessions they will ask for sessions
That doesn’t mean they like the fact that someone has that level of power over them
(No one likes being manipulated that way.)
That doesn’t mean they like the things that the therapist makes them do
That doesn’t mean the power dynamic is harmless
That doesn’t mean ABA is a good approach to teaching

People who can’t say no, can’t say yes meaningfully. Looking happy isn’t meaningful if you’re rewarded for affecting happiness and punished for looking visibly distressed. Making the best of a bad situation isn’t consent.

Finding home in a new place

July 16, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Anonymous said:

How do you make a new place feel like home? In less than a month, I’m moving to start a PhD.

I’m looking for advice on how to adapt to a new city and find new friends. I don’t want to rely on my program as my only source of friends, because doing that has left me isolated in the past.

Any advice on how to feel like this is really home and finding new friends would be appreciated. Thank you!

realsocialskills said:

There are a lot of possibilities, and a lot of it is a matter of personal preference and what’s available in your area.

One thing that works for some people is organized religion. Religious communities have a broader range of people than a PhD program will. They also have a lot of different things you can do, often including teaching and volunteering. It can also be low-pressure because showing up can be a way to be around people without having to do anything else.

If you want that kind of community but don’t want to be expected to believe in God or a particular doctrine, a Unitarian Universalist church or a Society for Ethical Culture might work for you.

Another thing worth doing is to find out where the community gathering places are which aren’t just where students hang out. If you’re in a small-ish college town, there will be a few places. Some of them might be bars, but some of them won’t be. For instance, if you’re going to UNC, Weaver Street Market is a place you should know about. It’s a place people hang out, and there are a lot of community events there.

Independent bookstores can also be good community places to know about. They often have events and interesting people and sources of information.

Look at the notice boards and pick up the free papers. Look through the events listings and find stuff you’re interested in. Try to go to things. Going to things that are not college events can be a good way to get outside the bubble.

If you’re in a bigger city, this is both easier and harder. There are more things going on in big cities, but they also tend to happen in silos and be harder to find out about. In cities, searching around for organizations or activities related to your interests can be a better starting point. (Although independent bookstores are often also helpful in cities).

You can also try walking around with Yelp! open on your phone. If you set the filter to show you everything and sort stuff by distance, you can find out about what’s near you. It also has a “local color” category that can be useful for finding non-standard things in your area.

Going to things that are college events can also be a good way to get outside the bubble, if you don’t restrict it to your own department. There are often a lot of interesting things going on at universities — it might be worth checking stuff out. (Although this can get complicated if you are a TA who teaches undergrads).

If there’s iconic local food and it’s ok for you to eat it, trying some might be a good idea. Eating food that people around you eat can be a very effective way to feel like part of the culture. Even if there’s only one thing you like, eating that thing might help a lot. (This is not always possible or advisable for any number of physical or cultural reasons, but it can be good for some people.)

Same goes for other weird local things. Like, if there are festivals and things and you don’t completely hate festivals, it’s likely a good idea to try going at least once if you’re going to be in the area for a while. Again, a couple of Chapel Hill area examples: Festival for the Eno, Halloween on Franklin Street, Carrboro events.

If there are iconic landmarks, it’s probably worth checking them out too.

If there are email lists about events that go on, it’s likely worth signing up for them. You can always unsubscribe later, and you can make a filter so they don’t clog your main inbox. Knowing what’s going on can be really helpful in becoming more integrated, and if you find out while you’re at your computer, it’s more likely to make its way into your calendar.

You can also do things like use Meetup.com to find people in your area who share your interests.

You can also take some kind of not-school-related class. Eg: karate, pottery, cooking.

There are also things you can to make your living space itself feel more like home.

Short version: When you move to a new place, there are a lot of different things you can do to meet people and otherwise feel more oriented. Scroll up for some specific suggestions.

You don’t have to earn support with a diagnosis

July 15, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

If you were hurt and you’re struggling to cope with the aftermath, that matters. It’s ok to be struggling. It’s ok to need support.

You don’t have to earn support with a diagnosis of something trauma related. You don’t even have to fit diagnostic criteria for a mental health condition to be worthy of support.

Getting hurt matters whether or not it results in PTSD or other diagnosable mental health conditions. There are a lot of different ways that people respond to trauma. In particular, not everyone who experiences abuse or other trauma develops PTSD. It’s ok to want support and to talk to other people whose struggles are similar to yours, whether or not your experience involves PTSD.

It’s also ok if the thing that hurt you wasn’t abuse, or if you aren’t sure whether you think it was abuse or not. It’s ok to need help and support even if it *wasn’t* abuse, or even if things are ambiguous, or even if what happened to you wasn’t anyone’s fault. Not all trauma is the result of abuse. Not all trauma is anyone’s fault. You don’t have to earn support by fitting a particular narrative. You don’t have to earn support by being ideologically or politically useful, either. You matter, it matters that you got hurt, and it’s ok to want help sorting things out.

It’s also ok to relate to and benefit from things that match your experiences partly, but not entirely. (Eg: it’s ok if something written about homophobic bullying helps you to deal with the medical care you experienced in the aftermath of a car crash; it’s ok if something written for people with intellectual disabilities helps you to cope with being the target of transphobic bullying. It’s also ok to use a type of therapy that was initially developed or is usually used to address a different problem than the one you have.)

All of this stuff can be hard to sort out. It’s ok to be struggling. It’s ok to seek help and support where you can find it. You matter, and your experiences matter.

You don’t have to be perfect at self care to deserve medical treatment

July 11, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Disabilities and chronic conditions often require difficult and time-consuming self care.

For instance:

People who are paralyzed have to pay very close attention to their skin to avoid dangerous pressure sores
People with CF have to do a lot of breathing treatments
A lot of people have to keep track of a very complicated medication schedule
Or any number of other things

A lot of medical complications are preventable with the right self care. But no one manages perfect self care, because self care is hard, and people are human and nobody is perfect.

Making a mistake that leads to an injury that was theoretically preventable sometimes pisses off doctors. It’s also something that people sometimes feel very ashamed of. This can be a deterrent to getting medical care.

It’s not right that it’s this way. You don’t have to be perfect to deserve medical care. Sometimes you make mistakes and need treatment. That’s part of the human condition, and it doesn’t mean you’re somehow less deserving.

Nondisabled people injure themselves doing careless things all the time. People who fall off bikes in a moment of carelessness and break bones get to have medical treatment without facing that kind of hate. So do people who burn themselves cooking. Doctors are capable of understanding that people make mistakes and get hurt — and people with disabilities deserve this understanding just as much as anyone else.

Everyone who needs medical care deserves it. Including people who make mistakes. Including people with disabilities who make mistakes. You don’t have to be perfect at self care to deserve treatment.

Rigorous attention to self care is important. So is medical support for needs that arise, including as the result of mistakes.

thoughts on dating while autistic

July 10, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi! I’m autistic, and I’ve never dated anyone, although I have been asked out before. Truthfully, I’m terrified of dating or being in a relationship, because I’m almost 18 and I’ve never even kissed anyone before, and I’m embarrassed!

I’m a pretty attractive girl and very good at hiding my autism, so people are interested in me at first, until I totally mess up flirting because of my social awkwardness.

Can you tell me what dating/relationships are like, so I know what to expect/how to act? thanks!

realsocialskills said:

I can’t answer this directly because dating and relationships are different for everyone. They aren’t about scripts; they’re about building something with another person that works for both of you. I don’t know what they will be like for you. That is something that you will figure out as you get more experience.

But I can tell you some related things:

It’s ok to be embarrassed. Figuring out dating is embarrassing for most people. That doesn’t mean that you can’t date or have relationships. It just means that you will be embarrassed sometimes.

Flirting is at least sort of embarrassing even when it’s working. Figuring out whether or not someone is interested in you is at least somewhat embarrassing for almost everyone. Flirting is a way to make the process of figuring it out more pleasant than embarrassing.

Flirting effectively is a bit like learning to play the violin — just like initial attempts to play the violin sound terrible, initial attempts to learn how to flirt tend to be acutely embarrassing. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just means that there’s a learning curve.

Also — it’s not unusual to be 17 and not have kissed anyone yet. Sometimes the way people talk about teenagers can make it sound like everyone is dating and having sex, but it’s not true. Some people are, and some people aren’t. Both are ok. A lot of people your age haven’t kissed anyone. And the people who are kissing others also get embarrassed and unsure of themselves.

(It would also be ok even if it was unusual. It’s ok if some things are harder or take longer for you than they do for most people.)

Many of the skills involved in romantic relationships are the same skills involved in friendship. And one of the most important skills involved in friendship is figuring out how to tell whether you like someone, and whether they like you.

Figuring out whether you like someone can be hard for a lot of autistic people. Among other reasons, a lot of us are taught that we have to be friends with anyone who will tolerate our company. That’s not how dating works and it’s not how friendship works either.

If you don’t like someone, you shouldn’t date them. If you don’t like spending time with someone, you shouldn’t date them. If you’re hoping that they will change dramatically, you shouldn’t date them. It’s only a good idea to date someone if you like them and enjoy their company as they are now. You can’t build a good relationship with an imaginary person.

Similarly, it’s important to only date people who like you. People who are hoping that you will change, or who want you to act nonautistic all the time, are not people who like you.

You can’t become nonautistic to please people who find autism repellant, and you aren’t going to be able to hide autism from them forever. It always becomes noticeable sooner or later, because autism affects you and your experiences and impairments matter. You are who you are, and your disability is part of that. And that’s ok, because disabled people can date, and we can do it well.

The most important thing to know about dating and relationships is that, in good relationships, the people involved like and respect each other. Respecting and liking yourself is an important part of learning to build a mutually respectful relationship. Liking yourself helps you to like others; and to tell whether others like you. Respecting yourself helps you to learn to treat others respectfully; and to understand whether or not the ways others are treating you are ok.

From the way you phrased your ask, I think that you might be having a lot of trouble feeling ok about yourself as an autistic person. I think that it would help you a lot to work on understanding that it’s ok to be autistic, and that you can be a fabulous autistic human being.

It sounds to me that you think that you have to pass as non-autistic to be dateable. You don’t have to do that. Autism doesn’t prevent kissing and it doesn’t prevent love.

A lot of autistic people struggle to feel worthy of love and friendship. A lot of us feel repulsive a lot of the time. We’re often made to feel that our thoughts, feelings, interests, and body language are disgusting flaws. But they are not. We’re ok. Being autistic is ok.

We are beautiful. The way we look and the way we move and the way we think is beautiful. Autistic beauty is real, and there are people in the world who appreciate it.

We are often taught that, unless we learn to pretend that we’re normal, no one will ever like us. (That’s the basic message of the Social Thinking curriculum, for instance). We’re also often taught that we’re not allowed to make mistakes. A lot of us feel like every time we make a social mistake, it’s showing that we’re deeply flawed and hopelessly unworthy.

That makes dating really hard, because everyone makes acutely embarrassing social mistakes as they learn how to date. (And often even after they have a lot of experience.). It sounds to me like you might feel like you have to earn the right to date by never making any embarrassing mistakes. You don’t. If that was the standard, no one would ever be able to date. It’s ok to be fallible and embarrassed and unsure of things. You’re ok.

There are people who will appreciate your beauty. There are people who will find you attractive. There are people who will love you.

You can learn how to date, and you can do it as yourself.

Knowing what you think – tools for thinking for yourself

July 6, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When I’m around people who disagree with me, I have trouble remembering that my own thoughts and opinions are valid, and I start thinking I must be wrong about whatever they disagree with me about.

Do you know any ways of getting more confident about disagreeing with people?

realsocialskills said:

To an extent, it’s a matter of practice.

Learning to distinguish between what you think and what others think depends on a few different skills. Some of them will likely take time and practice to acquire.

Some thought about what to work on:

It can help to get into the habit of noticing when your opinions change suddenly. If you’re susceptible to excessive influence by other people, it’s likely that this happens way more than you realize. Even just noticing it can make it easier to tell what’s your opinion and what’s someone else’s.

Eg, let’s say Susan and Jane are eating out together, and they’re looking at the dessert menu:

Susan: I want chocolate ice cream.
Jane: Chocolate is a disgusting flavor and it’s way too high fat. Raspberry smoothies are a million times better.
Susan: Ok, that does sound better. I’ll order that.

In that instance, Susan wanted chocolate ice cream, then suddenly changed her mind when Jane said it was bad. If Susan does this a lot, she may not even have noticed that it happened. Noticing this kind of sudden opinion change could help Susan to realize when it’s happening against her will.

That leads to another skill that can help: Remembering the question “Why?”:

If you just changed your mind suddenly, why did it happen?

Did someone say something you found persuasive?
If so, what?
Are you responding to the force of someone else’s personality?
Are you afraid?
Did you hear a new idea that sounds like it might be right?
Do you need time to think about it?
(It’s ok to not know right away.)

Asking other people “Why?”:

If someone says something, you don’t have to agree
And you don’t have to assume they have a good reason
If they’re saying something that is your business, it is ok to ask “Why?”
(Sometimes it isn’t your business and “Why?” might be a rude question. Eg, if someone says that they feel sick when they drink milk.)
(But if it’s something like: “Republicans are evil”/“Democrats are ruining America”, “Why?” is a completely ok question.)
Getting in the habit of asking for reasons can help you to understand and to think for yourself
Some other ways to ask for reasons: “What makes you say that?”, “Can you say more about that?”, “I hear a lot of people saying x, but I don’t really understand why they think that… Would you be willing to explain?”

Remembering that it’s ok to need time to think about things:

Sometimes you hear a big idea or an unfamiliar perspective and it makes things feel different
Even just knowing that someone thinks something can make the world seem different
(Or meeting someone who thinks something)
That can feel really weird and confusing or disorienting
That’s ok. It’s ok to be disoriented and need time to think. Some words that can help (either by saying them or thinking them to yourself):
“I never thought about that before.”
“I never thought about it that way before.”
“That’s interesting.”
“I’ll have to think about that.”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
“This has given me a lot to think about.”
(Sometimes it feels like people are asking you to immediately agree with them when what they’re really asking is for you to listen to them. Saying one of these things can help in that situation.)

Paying attention to fear

Sometimes people are afraid to disagree with someone else’s strongly held opinions
Sometimes it’s because they’re afraid someone will hurt them
Sometimes that’s because they’re afraid doubting someone would make them a bad person
Sometimes it’s both
It’s actually ok to think for yourself. Reflexive agreement out of fear doesn’t help things.
Even when there’s a clear right side and wrong side, it’s *still* important to think for yourself and understand things
Agreeing reflexively won’t get you the kind of understanding you need to meaningfully be on the right side of an important issue
(And you can’t know what side that is without thinking about it, anyway)
Thinking about it until you understand will make your agreement much more meaningful (and actionable)

Paying attention after the fact to what you think:

Some people have personalities that loom very large
Some people are very good at sounding right
It can be very hard to tell what you think in the presence of these people
Sometimes it may be hard to tell what you think in the presence of other people
The effect tends to wear off after you’re away from them
If you’re having second thoughts after you’re away from someone, take those second thoughts seriously
Sometimes you will have really good reasons
(And even if you ultimately end up agreeing with them, it was *still* important to take your second thoughts seriously so that you can understand for yourself)
If you know that you have that reaction to someone, try to avoid agreeing to anything binding in their presence.

Remembering “maybe”:

It’s ok not to be sure what you think
It’s ok not to be sure what you want
Saying “maybe” can be really powerful.
If you get pressured into things a lot, it might help to default to maybe
It’s usually a lot easier to say “Maybe”, or “I need to think about that” than it is to say “Yes”, and then “I thought about it and I changed my mind”.

Journaling or blogging can also help:

If you write things down, it can be easier to track changes in your opinion
It can also be really helpful as a way of processing and figuring out what you think
(Tumblr *can* be good for this, but it can also attract hostile attention that makes thinking for yourself harder. Sometime more private like Livejournal or Dreamwidth might be better.)

Another thing that can help is paying attention to how people are treating you:

Are there particular people you’re afraid of contradicting?
If, so, why?
Do they treat you badly when you contradict them?
Do they treat others badly in your presence?
Do they spend a lot of time aggressively mocking people for not understanding, for disagreeing, or for asking questions?
If a lot of people in your life act this way, thinking for yourself can be really hard.
Seeking out people who treat you and others better can help a *lot* in making it possible to figure out what you think.
Not everyone with passionate opinions or commitments is a jerk
(Related: It is entirely possible pursue justice and other important causes without being horrible to everyone who disagrees with you or has an imperfect understanding or things.)

Learning to hold on to your thoughts and sense of self is going to be hard at first. Realizing that it’s going to be hard can make it more possible. (Especially since some people are really, really skilled at making people feel that their thoughts are invalid.)

As you get more experience intentionally paying attention to what you think, it gets easier. It will still be hard and confusing sometimes, but it won’t be as hard and confusing all of the time.

Short version: It is important to think for yourself even when you’re uncomfortable or others don’t want you to. There are a lot of reasons this can be hard. There are some skills that can make it easier. Scroll up for concrete suggestions.

Using the memory you have

June 30, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I have memory issues. Things like names, dates or times, directions, and other important details often escape me. Lately, I’ve been using “external memory” in the form of a notebook or my phone.

However, people tend to get impatient or bored at best when you’re constantly consulting a notebook in order to tell them what you need.

At worst, they talk over me, try to tell me what they think I want, or walk away.

How do I get people to understand?

Or should I just work on fixing my memory instead?

realsocialskills said:

A few things:

Don’t wait for better memory:

Improving memory is possible for some people; not everyone
Whether or not it’s possible for you, you need to communicate now
Communication shouldn’t wait for cognitive changes
It’s important to make strategies that work with the cognitive abilities you have now

Meanwhile, you might be able to make some of your external memory faster. Here are a few possible ways of doing that:

Write things on your hand or a wrist band:

Looking at your hand only takes a second
This might work well for remembering what food you want to order, or what you want to buy
Or in general terms what you wanted to talk about
There are also disposable paper wristbands you can buy to put notes on
That works similarly, without having to write stuff on your hand

Put some information on your phone’s lock screen, eg:

Write something in your notes app
Take a screenshot
Make that screenshot your lock screen wallpaper
This means the information is available immediately once you get out your phone

Cheat sheets:

If there are things you consistently need to know but can’t remember, making pages with that information and putting them in particular places might help
Eg, for remembering what a store has
Or remembering what questions you’re likely to be asked
Or lists of people who are likely to be in particular places

Optimizing your notebook:

Eg: If there is information you need frequently, it might be worth putting it on dedicated pages with color-coded tabs
It also might be worth using something like a three-ring binder so that you can put information you need soonest at the front
Or even *on* the front, if you get a three-ring binder that has a space to put in a cover sheet on the front

Communication boards or apps:

Using communication boards or a picture-based AAC app might help too
Communication aids aren’t just for generating speech, they can also be for cognitive prompting reminding you what it’s possible to say
Making pages for particular situations might help you to communicate faster
You’d still have to open the page, but it might result in less hunting around for information once you get there
Having a page with a few options might make it easier to remember and process things
Associating images with things you’re trying to remember might make them easier to remember
If you keep the symbols in a consistent place and touch them some while you communicate, muscle memory might also help you to remember things
(Even practicing with boards in private without using an app to communicate directly might make it possible to use muscle memory to prompt yourself)
Proloquo2Go might work well for this
(Or maybe even something like Custom Boards, although that uses more childish symbols and that could be a problem)

It also might help to be more open about your memory difficulties:

Sometimes being open about how bad your memory is can help
If you don’t tell people what you’re doing, they might not be able to tell the difference between using external memory and ignoring them
(Especially if you’re looking at a phone; they might think you are facebooking or something)
They also might be trying to help, and might not realize that it’s being anti-helpful
If you tell people what’s going on and what would help you, *some* people will do the right thing
(Not all. But enough that it’s often worth it)
That also can allow you to ask people things that you don’t remember

Eg:

“I’m sorry, my memory is bad — could you remind me who you are?”
“Give me a second — I need to check my notebook.”
“I don’t remember when that’s happening — I need to check my calendar on my phone.”
“I actually get really confused when people try to tell me what they think I want — I’ll be able to find it faster if I check my phone”.

Also, if you’re approaching people and they’re walking away, it might help to change the order in which you do things to make it go faster from their perspective, eg:

Get out your notebook
Turn it to the right page
Put your finger on the piece of information you need to remember
Then go up to them and ask for help

Short version: If you have memory issues and rely on external memory aids, there may be things you can do to use them more quickly.

A thought on making difference ok

June 28, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

One issue with accommodations and modifications in school, is that it can often be hard to avoid stigma. Kids don’t usually like being singled out or doing things conspicuously differently. Also, nondisabled kids often resent it when disabled kids are allowed to do things that they are not allowed to do.

Further, one frequent objection to accommodations is “but if I let one kid do this, then all the other kids will want to.”

Sometimes that’s true — and, often, the best solution to that problem is to just let all the kids do whatever the thing is. Sometimes there’s no good reason to restrict access to something. Sometimes changing the rule works better than making exceptions to it.

One way that something works to correct this problem is to make some of their accommodations available to other kids who would like to try them. The kid who has a documented need for accommodations probably isn’t the only one who would benefit from them.

And even aside from that, it’s good for kids to explore the world and experiment with different ways of doing things. This is a good way to learn that difference is normal, and that doing things differently is a basic fact of life.

For instance, if one kid needs to use manipulatives for math, maybe try making manipulatives available to all the kids.

If one kid needs a large print worksheet, maybe make a few large print copies and let kids try doing it that way.

If one kid needs to chew stuff, maybe make things available for other kids to chew.

If one kid needs to use fidget toys, maybe make them available to all the kids who would like to try it.

If one kid needs to type, and you have the resources to make that available to other kids too, maybe let them try doing assignments that way. And let the kids that works better for continue to do it.

And, beyond that, it helps to get in the habit of providing different ways to do things even when there isn’t a kid who needs them as a specific accommodation.

Not in the sense of “take a walk in the disabled kid’s shoes”, this is not a disability simulation. The point shouldn’t be empathy building, and it should not be presented as being about the disabled kid. The message is “there are a lot of legitimate ways to do things, and it’s ok to experiment and figure out what works for you, even if most people don’t do it the same way as you”.

You can’t always do this, and you can’t always do this for everything. When you can, it helps, a lot.

Not being believed

June 17, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: This is a post about ABA, and not being believed about the harm ABA does.

A reader asked:

People don’t believe me when I say I was a victim to ABA abuse, not even my parents.

I was misgendered routinely, I could not drink water even though this was harmless and was often asked to write my name even though this was effectively pointless.

How should I convince people I was really abused?

Am I just whining and should I “get over it” because that’s not “real abuse” and I’m not autistic?

realsocialskills said:

It’s not your fault that therapists hurt you. It’s not your fault that people don’t believe you. What people did to you matters, even if no one believes you.

ABA is degrading on a level that it can be very hard to recover from or even describe. The basic methodology of ABA is finding out what you care about most and using it to get compliance with arbitrary demands.

I’ve written some here and here and here about the kind of damage that does, and that’s only scratching the surface.

Increasingly, one of the things behavior therapists demand is that you pretend that they’re not controlling you. They often go so far as to demand that you act like you like what’s happening and believe that it’s both necessary and enjoyable. And they do that even as they make you do obviously pointless things (like writing your name over and over), and even as they do obviously awful things to you (like denying you water and misgendering you).

That kind of thing can mess with your mind really badly, especially when you’re surrounded by people who don’t believe you.

It’s not your fault that people don’t believe you. They can refuse to acknowledge what people did to you; you can’t make it go away. It matters even if no one around you cares.

You will probably always have to deal with people who don’t believe you. Most people are reluctant to believe that therapists ever hurt people in ways that matter, and ABA has a particularly effective publicity machine. Some people will say that you’re whining, that you’re lying, and that the things you’ve described don’t happen. They’re wrong. It matters that people hurt you in the name of helping you. It’s horrible that people who you should be able to trust don’t believe you.

Some of them may eventually come to understand. Sometimes people come around, in the long term. But you don’t have to wait for that in order to be ok, you don’t have to explain it to them if you don’t want to, and what happened to you matters whether or not people believe you.

Also… You are not alone. What happened to you shouldn’t happen to anyone. There is a community of people who know that it’s wrong to treat people that way. Making connections with people who believe you might help a lot.

It’s much easier to hold on to your perspective if you’re not doing it alone. This is hard. It’s also possible. You’re ok.

Short version: Abuse matters even if no one believes you. That said, making connections with people who believe you can help a lot. You are not alone, even if really important people in your life don’t believe you.