Real Social Skills

Practicing awkward questions

January 27, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

When you enter certain situations, it’s likely that you will be asked awkward, painful, or intrusive questions. It’s sometimes worth preparing yourself ahead of time to deal with those questions so they have less power to derail you in the moment.

Some examples of situations in which this kind of preparation might be helpful:

Interviewing for a job in which you’re uncertain of your qualifications
Interviewing for a job when you expect to be perceived as incapable because of your age, disability, race, gender, etc
Presenting on a topic related to justice, particularly if people are likely to try to get you to ~tell your story~ instead of talking about the issue
Pitching a business idea for a new type of product
Coming out
(any number of other things)

It’s worth preparing because:

There are two problems you’re facing:
One is that it might feel horrible to be asked certain questions
The other problem is that answers to your questions will be used in a way that hurts you
It can be tempting to avoid thinking about these questions, because it hurts to anticipate them
But that can actually make the questions hurt more, and it can make it harder to protect yourself from the practical consequences of answering the questions
If you can make the thought of answering (or deflecting) the questions bearable, then they have a lot less power to hurt you, and you have a lot more power to choose how to respond

One way to prepare is to do a practice run with a friend, where they ask you the questions you’re afraid that you will be asked.

One really good way to make the questions bearable is to have someone you trust ask you the questions you’re afraid of being asked
That can allow you to practice hearing the question and finding it bearable, and still being ok
It can also allow you to practice finding answers, and experimenting with which ones seem most effective.
If you’ve had some experience hearing those questions, answering them, and still being ok, it can make it a lot easier to answer them when the answers are immediately important

Writing down your thoughts can also help:

It might help to make a list of questions you’re afraid of being asked
And thinking through what kind of response you might want to make
Any way you can think about it ahead of time is likely to be helpful
(That said, be careful about scripting too much if you can avoid it. Words that you generate at least somewhat in the moment are often received better than memorized scripts.)

Short version: If you’re likely to be asked difficult questions, it’s worth practicing answering them. Two things that work well are having a trusted friend ask you those questions, and writing down thoughts.

When people bait you into fights about controversial issues

January 25, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

People ask me what I think about something or how I feel about something. If my answer is unpopular it makes them upset or angry. I have told people not to ask me questions if they don’t want the answer, but that doesn’t seem to be very effective. I am thinking about ignoring questions that are like that, but I don’t know how well that will work or if people will get upset because I ignore them. So at this point I am at a loss for what to do.

realsocialskills said:

I think this depends on the context. I’m assuming here that you’re talking about unpopular opinions related to social issues, religion, politics, or other things that are about deeply held values. If you’re asking a different question (eg: if people are asking you whether you like their art), this answer probably won’t be helpful. That said:

It’s not always possible to avoid offending people.

There’s a social price to be paid for having unpopular opinions. Sometimes it’s really important to people that you agree with them, and some of them will push the issue until you say something that offends them. (And, depending on the nature of the opinions, people might sometimes be justified in pushing the issue.) If you have strongly held unpopular opinions, it’s probably really important to work on keeping perspective in the face of other people’s anger.

But, not everybody is going to be hell-bent on pushing the issue, and even when they are, it’s still sometimes possible to avoid the conversation:

Sometimes the best thing is to immediately change the subject, eg:

Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing that we always fight about?
You: Let’s not go there. Did you see the game last night?

Some subject-change phrases:

“Did you see (episode of show you both like)?“
“How’s work?”
“How are your kids?“
“Do you think the weather will be good enough to go hiking this weekend?”

You can also sometimes evade the question by deflecting it to something vaguely related, eg:

Them: What do you think of subway strike?
You: The trains are all really broken down and dirty. I’m amazed that Improv Everywhere gets people to take off their pants in those trains every year.

Another possibility: expressing discomfort:

Them: So, what do you think about this controversial thing we always fight about?
You: I’m not really comfortable talking about that.
or: “That’s really personal.“
or: “That’s a bit heavier than I like to get at a party; let’s keep it lighter.”

It can also sometimes work to give them a specific warning that they’re treading into potentially offensive territory (although this can also backfire):

Them: So what do you think of this controversial thing?
You: I think my answer might offend you. Do you really want me to answer that question, or should we talk about something else?
or: “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?“

Another possibility: stating your opinion in a matter-of-fact way and refusing to fight about it:

Sometimes just stating the opinion in a straightforward way will deflect conflict
This doesn’t work with everyone, but it can be really effective with people who are trying to bait you into an emotionally laden fight
It’s sometimes possible to say what you think in a way that makes it clear what you think, and that you’re not interested in fighting about it

I’m not totally sure how to describe how to do this. But, eg:

Them: What do you think of the really popular ballot measure everyone else at this party likes?
You: Actually, I’m against it. I think it’s harmful to people with disabilities.

Sometimes that can even lead to a good conversation. Sometimes it gets them to drop the subject. Sometimes it can lead to an argument (which you might be able to refuse to continue; you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.) It helps a lot if you can take an unapologetic tone that doesn’t sound like you think you’re saying anything objectionable.

Short version: If people try to pick fights with you on controversial issues, there are sometimes ways to deflect them. Scroll up for more details.

You are allowed to think for yourself

January 22, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

People pointing out problems with things are not always correct.

Sometimes they’re right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The fact that someone is yelling at you, using social justice terms, and calling it a call out, does not in itself mean you have done something wrong. It just means that someone is angry at you, for reasons that may well be justified, and may well be completely off base, and may well be partly right and partly wrong.

Sometimes people calling you out are right, and sometimes they’re wrong.

The only way to figure out what’s true is by thinking about it. There’s no algorithm you can use to mechanically figure out who is right. You have to think for yourself, and consider using your own thoughts whether you think the things someone is telling you are true or not.

Electricity is an access issue (short version)

January 15, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A lot of people with disabilities need reliable access to electricity. If you don’t make electricity continuously available at your event, your event is not accessible.

Some people need electricity in order to breathe. Some people need electricity to be able to move across a room. Some people need electricity for life sustaining medical treatments. Some people need electricity to communicate.

All of these people, and anyone else with an access need for electricity, should be welcome at your event. They can be, if you make proper plans and make sure that electricity will be reliably available.

(For further details, see this post.)

Clarifying ambiguous questions

January 14, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

hollywoodontap asked:

I have trouble answering questions if the asker has not given me specific details. I feel like I can’t give them what they want unless I’m told precisely what it is they’re looking for. I tend to ask questions in return before getting to an answer.

realsocialskills said:

It’s ok to need details. If asking clarifying questions is working for you, I’d keep doing that. The important thing is to communicate effectively.

Some thoughts on ways to make clarifying questions work:

There are a couple ways to ask in a general way that work for some people:

“I need more words”.
“I’m confused; can you rephrase?“
“That’s kind of abstract – can you be more specific?”

It can sometimes help to be more specific yourself, and offer options. Someone asking a question they think is easily understood might not know how to clarify.

Eg:

Jane: What do you think of the foo?
You: In what sense? Are you asking if I like it personally, or if I think it’s marketable? Or something else?

or:

Joel: What’s Applied Foo 101 like? Should I take it?
You: Are you asking about how hard it is, or how interesting it is, or something else?

Another possibility: Guess and then ask if you got it right:

eg:

Yosef: Did the thing happen?
You: The football game?

or:

Erica: Where are the things?
You: The supplies?

Sometimes it is better to make your best guess, then answer the question you think they’re asking:

Eg:

Susan: How about that foo?
You: Do you mean the sales statistics? If so, they’re way up this week.

or:

Thomas: Did you do the thing?
You: Do you mean my entry in the bad poetry contest. If so, I submitted that today. I’m excited for my chances this year. It was a truly terrible poem.

Short version: It’s ok to need to ask clarifying questions when someone asks you something, even if you need more details than most people need. The important thing is to communicate clearly.

Electricity is an accessibility issue

January 13, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

When you’re planning an event, conference, venue, retreat center, house of worship, community center, or similar, it’s important to keep in mind that many people need reliable access to electricity in order to be able to participate. A choice to build or use a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with disabilities.

Access to electricity is always important, but it’s especially important for overnight events or multi-day conferences. Many people with disabilities absolutely depend on electricity to be able to participate in events.

Here are some people you’re excluding if you choose or build a venue without reliable electricity:

People who use electric wheelchairs or mobility scooters:

Power chairs do not have infinite battery power
They have large batteries that have to be charged overnight
Charging them takes a lot of power
Minimalist electricity isn’t enough. Having a generator available for a few hours in the evening will not make a conference without electricity accessible to people who need to charge large batteries
If people can’t charge their chairs at your event, then you’re excluding power chair users.

High-tech AAC (alternative and augmentative communication) users:

Not everyone can talk.
Some people who can talk can’t reliably use speech to communicate
Many people use high-tech speech-generating devices to communicate
(For example, some people use apps such as Speak For Yourself on an iPad, or a dedicated device such as a DynaVox)
High-tech AAC devices only work if they are charged
The batteries aren’t infinite. Devices need to be charged overnight and some may also need to be charged during the day.
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need to keep their communication devices charged can’t participate
A choice to hold an event in a venue without reliable electricity is a choice to exclude people with communication disabilities who use speech generating devices to communicate

People who use ventilators and other breathing equipment:

Everyone needs to breathe
Not everyone can breathe adequately on their own
Some people need ventilators, bipaps, or other breathing equipment
People who use breathing equipment also do things besides sit at home and breathe, like go to conferences or other events you might be planning
People need to breathe while they do things like go to your event, which means they probably need to be able to plug in their machines
Machines can run off of batteries, but no battery has infinite power. Reliable access to electricity is important. No one should have to worry about where their next breath is coming from because they can’t find an electrical outlet.
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need machines to breathe can’t safely participate in your events
If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities who need breathing support

People who need powered medical equipment:

Some people with chronic conditions need to do regular nebulizer treatments in order to keep their lungs functioning
Some people who eat through feeding tubes need powered infusion pumps to eat safely
Some people need to sleep with a CPAP in order to breathe at night
Some people use powered dialysis systems at night
If your venue doesn’t have reliable electricity, people who need powered medical equipment can’t safely participate.
If you choose to hold your event in a location without reliable electricity, you’re choosing to exclude people with disabilities or chronic conditions who rely on powered medical equipment

Medication:

Some people rely on medication that needs to be refrigerated.
If you hold a conference in a venue with no electricity and no refrigeration, they can’t safely participate.
A choice to hold an event in a venue without electricity is a choice to exclude people who need medication which must be refrigerated.

Some specific considerations in making sure electricity is available:

There need to be available outlets in people’s rooms and in the public areas where events are happening
Make sure the outlets are available and in good working order
(A broken outlet will not charge someone’s wheelchair)
Neither will a two-prong outlet. Make sure three-prong outlets are available.
If the available outlets aren’t at the tables (or whatever other space) you’re using, make sure you have a three-prong extension cord that reaches them
An outlet on the other side of the room is better than nothing, but it’s still a barrier to full participation. Extension cords can often solve that problem.
(In any case, a long, three-pronged extension cord is a good thing to keep in your supply kit for events; there are a lot of situations in which they are useful)
If you can, arrange the room so that the outlets are near the tables you’ll be using (this is also helpful to people who need to charge computers and phones).

Short version: Electricity is an accessibility issue. Having an event (and especially a conference) in a venue without reliable electricity excludes people with disabilities whose adaptive equipment requires electrical power.

If you don’t have a date for prom

January 11, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

How to cope with not having a date at prom? Everyone else has someone to go with but I don’t even have anyone to ask out. I feel that I will just stand in a corner while my friends and class mates will have their own company.

realsocialskills said:

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that.

I think that you’re probably not as alone as you feel. Dating is hard, and it can be especially hard when you are young. Finding people to ask out doesn’t always happen on a schedule, even if seasonal events like prom mean you’re surrounded with messages that tell you that it should. It doesn’t always work out that way, though. It’s not just you. It’s that this stuff isn’t easy and the reality isn’t like the cultural mythology.

It’s also worth realizing that it’s ok if you don’t want to date, or if you don’t want to date yet. Some people aren’t ever interested in dating. Some people are eventually interested in dating, but aren’t ready in high school. Some people need some time to mature before they’re ready to date. Some people don’t have so much of an emotional or social peer group in high school, and so don’t meet anyone they want to date. Some people have a sexual orientation or gender that is stigmatized in their high school in a way that makes dating exhausting to even consider. Some people are still figuring out their sexuality or gender and don’t want to date while they’re struggling with it.

All of those things are common, and normal. So are any number of other reasons you might not want to date. If you don’t want to date, or don’t want to date now, that’s completely fine. I don’t know whether or not you want to date now; only you know that. It’s worth realizing that either answer is fine, and that it’s also ok if you’re not sure.

You’re probably not the only one at your school who doesn’t have a date for prom. Unless your school is tiny, there are almost certainly several other people at your school who don’t have dates either. You’re definitely not the only one in your state, and there will be any number of people online during prom who didn’t have dates either. When the culture tells you that you should have a date, not having one can feel like a failure, but it’s not. All it means is that you don’t have a date. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you. These things happen.

There are some options for how you might deal with this:

You don’t have to go to prom if you don’t want to:

Prom doesn’t have to be important
Nothing awful will happen if you don’t go
If you think you won’t enjoy it without a date, it’s completely ok to do something else instead
If you decide not to go to prom, it might be a good idea to plan what you’re going to do instead
That will raise the chances of enjoying the night rather than dwelling on the fact that you’re not at prom
(Eg: You could go to a movie, make a cake, have a party with friends or family who aren’t prom-aged, go to a concert, check out a store, etc)

Asking your friends to set you up with someone:

If you have friends who you trust, it might be worth asking if there’s anyone they can set you up with for prom
There’s a good chance that they will know someone
Going to prom with someone doesn’t have to mean that you’re dating them
Or that you’re particularly into them
It can just mean that you’re both going to an event together and attempting to enjoy the event and one another’s company
(It’s not such a good idea to do this if you don’t have friends you trust; some people use this situation as a way to be cruel)

Going without a date and enjoying the other aspects:

Some people go to prom without a date
You probably won’t be the only one
People don’t spend the entire night glued to their dates
(especially since a lot of people go with people they’re not actually dating in order to have someone to go with)
Going without a date doesn’t mean that you’ll spend the evening alone
If you have friends you like who enjoy your company, they’ll still be your friends at prom, and you’ll still get to spend time with them
If you want to do the rituals like dressing up and taking pictures and eating the fancy food and celebrating the end of school, you can enjoy all of those aspects of the event even without a date

Have an escape plan and distractions:

If you have a phone, bring it
You can use your phone as a distraction if the night is miserable
You can also use it to take breaks
If you get overwhelmed and upset, you might be able to take a break, distract yourself with a phone game or Tumblr, then go back in and enjoy things
It’s also ok if you need to leave. You don’t have to stay if it turns out the evening is miserable
If you have the option of driving yourself, or otherwise having access to transportation you control, do it that way
If you know that you can leave if you need to, it can also make it more likely that you will enjoy it and not feel trapped

Go to or throw an after party:

Prom often isn’t just about the official part; it can also be about parties that happen afterwards
If you like parties, you’ll probably enjoy them even if you don’t have a date
And you don’t necessarily have to go to prom to go to a party
And even if you go and hate the actual prom part, you can decide that the party is the main part and enjoy that
You also might be able to throw a party after, if you have friends who would be interested in going.

Short version: If you don’t have a date for prom, you are not alone. You might feel like the only one, but it’s actually fairly common. You have options for what to do on prom night. Scroll up for concrete suggestions.