“You have so much potential!”

Real Social Skills

On the topic of degrading things that well-meaning people tend to say to people with disabilities:

  • “You have so much potential!”
  • “I truly believe in your potential!”

These can seem innocent, and sometimes it can be a benevolent thing to say. But when you hear it all the time, it becomes degrading.

When everyone you encounter is willing to acknowledge your potential, but no one is willing to acknowledge your accomplishments, it’s hard to believe in yourself. When all people see is your potential, it can be as though they are saying “don’t worry, it’s ok that you’ve never done anything worthwhile, you will someday.”

Hearing that year after year from people whose opinion you value is corrosive. It can make it really, really hard to see that you’ve ever done anything or that you have any abilities that count.

But, everyone in this world has accomplished things that are worth noticing. You are not an exception. You have done things, and the things that you have done matter. Even if nothing you do has radically changed the world. Even if you haven’t out-competed anyone. Even if you’re far below grade level, or unemployable, or struggling greatly. Even if you can’t get out of bed most days or at all. You have done things, and you deserve to have them respected.

If you are working with, supporting, or close to someone with a disability, make sure you are acknowledging their accomplishments that they have already made. Don’t just reassure them that they will do things some day. They have already done things, and they deserve to have their accomplishments respected.

And if you are a disabled person, remember that your accomplishments are real even if no one notices them or takes them seriously. The people who have taught you not to value your accomplishments are wrong. You have done things. Honor them.

Why I say that all autistic people are disabled

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I get where you’re coming from saying all autistic people are disabled, but I’m autistic and don’t consider myself disabled, because I move through the world with no external accommodations. I feel uncomfortable claiming the word disabled and I feel more uncomfortable when people apply it to me without my consent.
realsocialskills said:
Here’s what I mean by saying all autistic people are disabled:
Autistic people, *all* autistic people, have things that they can’t do that almost all neurotypical people can do.
That’s a significant fact. And it doesn’t go away because you’ve arranged your life in a way that works for you. And losing site of that can cause a lot of problems.
To use a personal example:
I have a terrible sense of direction. I absolutely need my iPhone to be able to go anywhere new by myself without allowing an extra hour to get lost. That’s true no matter how simple the route is.
I have, at many points, forgotten that I am disabled in this particular way. In my day-to-day life, I normally stay within a small range of a few very familiar city blocks. So I don’t experience my disability, I don’t notice I am disabled. I even, sometimes, forget that I am impaired in that way. I used to get myself into a lot of trouble assuming that I’d gotten over it.
Similar things happen with executive functioning. I need a lot of cognitive cues to be in place to be able to do things. If they’re there, then I can forget that I have problems doing stuff. Which can cause serious problems if what I need to do shifts and my existing cues don’t work anymore.
Understanding that I haven’t gotten over disability and I’m not going to get over it helps me to function better. Because whether I notice my disability or not, it’s always there. When I remember and acknowledge that I am disabled it, I can plan to accommodate my disability.
I think this is true of all autistic people, whether or not they identify as disabled.

Comfort in a new flat

Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

This may be a strange question and isn’t really related to social skills, so I apologize if it’s a wrong place to ask. I’m autistic and recently I moved flats. I lived in the old one for 15 years. No matter how much I try, I don’t feel at home in my new flat. I can’t relax, it doesn’t feel like my safe place. I feel alien and it makes me stressed and tired. Do you (or your followers) have any idea what I can try to do to get used to it? It’s a new place, new furniture, and nothing feels right.

realsocialskills said:

It might be a matter of time. If you wait long enough, things might start seeming more familiar.

But in the mean time:

I wonder if it would help to do some really familiar things?

  • Like, do you have a go-to TV show that you’ve watched over and over? Or a book you’ve read a zillion times?
  • Reading/watching that a whole bunch of times in your new place might help it to feel comfortable and familiar.
  •  Are there foods that smell or taste like comfort to you?
  • Like, do you like the smell of cookies baking? Did you bake in your old place? If so, baking here might help too.
  •  Or ordering a kind of food you ordered a lot.
  • Are there stim toys or blocks or anything that feel comforting and familiar to you? If so, using them might help.  (I never really feel at home in a new place until I’ve made a pattern with my pattern blocks.)
  •  Do you have the same blankets you used to have? If not, it might help to get some that are similar.

Also, it’s worth checking around your place to see whether something is actually bothering you. It might feel like unfamiliarity when it’s actually that you’re physically uncomfortable, for instance:

  • Are the lightbulbs in your new place bothering you? Some people find florescent bulbs intolerable. If your old place had incandescent bulbs and your new place has CFLs, changing the lights might help.
  • How is the temperature? If the air is uncomfortable, you won’t feel as good in a place. Turning the temperature up or down, or getting a fan, might help.
  • Are there noises that bother you? Or is it too quiet? If so, wearing headphones or turning on background noise that you like (music, white noise, TV, etc) might make you more comfortable

Anger is an emotion, not a moral blank cheque

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Hello, I have a question. Do you know how to deal with someone who hurts and manipulates you and then makes you feel bad about it? Like, if they say mean things about/to you and justify it by saying ‘I was angry’ but if you are ever mean to them, they get really mad at you for it and say you’re a terrible person?
realsocialskills said:
I think in that situation, the best thing you can do is get distance so that person can’t keep hurting you like that.
Some people treat anger like a blank cheque that justifies anything they decide to do to you in their rage. Those people are abusers.
Anger is not a justification. Things that are wrong when you’re calm are still wrong when you are angry.
One thing that anger does is lower inhibitions against certain kinds of actions. That can be a good thing, if it makes it feel more ok to protect yourself. It can be a bad thing, it if makes it feel more ok to hurt people who don’t deserve it. It’s easier to make certain kinds of mistakes when you are angry and have lower inhibitions against doing things that might hurt others. We all make mistakes in anger, from time to time.
But those mistakes *count*; the anger doesn’t cancel out the actions. People who treat their rage as a justification for mistreating you are unlikely to ever start treating you better. If someone still thinks what they did was ok once they’ve calmed down, then they *actually think it was ok* and will do it again next time.
What people say when they’re angry counts. What people say when they’re drunk counts. What people say and think always counts. This is especially true if they are very distressed by the possibility that you’ll judge them for saying mean things, but not at all concerned about the possibility that they hurt you by saying mean things.
If someone calls you a terrible person on a regular basis, assume they mean it. Even if they say they don’t later. Even if they say it was just anger (or alcohol, or stress, or exhaustion.) And keep in mind that friends are people you like who like you, and people who dislike you aren’t friends.
People who regularly tell you that you are a terrible person are trying to make you feel unworthy of friendship so that you will put up with anything they decide to do to you. If they really thought you were a bad person, they’d be trying to get away from you, not trying to keep you close.
The best thing you can do is distance yourself from this person, and spend time with people who actually like and respect you.

You never had to prove them wrong

Real Social Skills

When you grow up with stigma, people tell you a lot of well-meaning things that actually cause problems. When you face people treating you like you’re less of a person, someone will often say something like:

  • “You’ll prove them all wrong some day”.
  • “It’s ok. You’ll show them. You’ll prove that you’re better than they ever could have imagined.”

And then, when you accomplish things, it often becomes, “Well, you proved them wrong, didn’t you?”

People who say this often mean well, but this is a form of victim-blaming, and it can hurt people who believe it really badly. The truth is:
   
You didn’t prove them wrong. You never had to prove them wrong. They were already wrong.
   
Prejudice is not something you have to earn your way out of. Dehumanization isn’t your fault. You don’t have to prove that you are human in order to be human. You don’t have to have amazing accomplishments in order to prove that you have worth. Everyone has worth. People who don’t recognize yours have always been wrong.
 
You didn’t prove them wrong. They were already wrong. About you, and about everyone else too.
 
You might have to fight to be seen as a person. You might have to fight for your life and your safety and for basic respect. That’s a fight you may or may not win. It’s a fight that, no matter how hard you try or how good you are, you will never win all the way. There will still be those who hate you and see you as subhuman.
 
But you can be ok, anyway. You’re ok. You’re whole. You deserve better. It’s not your fault they don’t see it. It’s theirs.
 
You have always been a full person, fully deserving of respect and equal treatment. People who treat you as a lesser being have always been wrong.
 
Knowing that helps.

About defining abuse

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Hi, I saw your post about abuse. How can you tell if your partner is abusing you? I’ve been told by a few of my friends that what my boyfriend is doing is “abuse”, but I don’t think it’s that severe. I don’t know how to feel about the situation.
realsocialskills said:
I don’t know your situation, so I can’t tell you much about your relationship. What I can say is that friends can often see things going wrong from outside a relationship that are really hard to see from inside it. Whether or not you agree that what is going on is abuse, I think it’s important to listen to your friends, take their perspective seriously, and consider carefully whether they have a point.
If your friends whose judgement you respect think that you’re being treated poorly, it’s important to make sure that you understand why:
  • Your friends might be wrong, but I think you should hear them out
  • Let them completely explain what they mean
  • In the course of that conversation, don’t argue or defend your boyfriend
  • Listen, and make sure you completely understand what they are saying
  • Take some time to process and consider whether they have a point
  • What do they think is abusive about your relationship?
  • Do you think the things they’re talking about are actually happening?
  • If so (whether or not you’re comfortable using the word abuse) do you agree that those things are hurting you?
  • If so, do you think there is a way to get your boyfriend to stop doing those things? Is this something you and he can work out?
  • If he doesn’t stop, are you willing to tolerate those things long term, or are they dealbreaking?
  • If you’re having mixed feelings about this, it’s probably a good idea to go back and talk to your friends some more about what they’re seeing and what you’re seeing

If you consider what your friends are seeing and whether you think you’re being hurt, you’ll get a better answer than you’ll get by considering in the abstract which things are bad enough to count as abuse.

Shutting up won’t get you heard

Real Social Skills

Tone is important. When you say things the right way, it can increase the number of people who are willing to listen to you. 

But that only goes so far. No matter how good you are at framing things, some things that need to be said will upset people who feel entitled to be comfortable. And, when you upset people who feel entitled to comfort, they will lash out at you. This is not your fault; it is theirs. Tone has its limits.

Also, getting tone right is really hard. No one starts out good at tone; it’s a very difficult skill that you can only learn with practice. And the only way to get practice is to spend a lot of time talking to people about controversial things. Which means that, in order to get good at tone, you’re going to have to spend a lot of time talking about these things while you’re still bad at tone. 

People who mean well and genuinely want you to be heard understand this, and will encourage you to keep speaking up and keep working on your skills at speaking up effectively. People who want you to shut up about the things you’re talking about will try to make you feel horrible about your tone and convince you that your tone means you have no right to say anything.

Sometimes, when people say that you should be more careful about tone so that you can be heard, what they really mean is “I don’t want to hear that, shut up and say something else I’m willing to listen to”.

Don’t believe those people, and don’t shut up. The most important thing is to keep talking. If you are bad at tone, some people will refuse to hear you. If you are good at tone, some people will still refuse to hear you. If you say nothing for fear of getting the tone wrong, no one will hear you.

Shutting up won’t get you heard. Speaking up might.

Learning about other cultures sometimes means listening to survivors

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I want to learn more about other cultures. I started bc i am a writer and realized my writing was inexcusably non-diverse, but found I wanted to keep on because I find it really interesting. There’s a problem though. I grew up in an abusive family. Seems like many of the cultures I’m learning about place more emphasis than mine on loyalty to family and respect for elders – something that, when I read about it, I find REALLY triggering. How can i learn when i keep getting panic attacks?
realsocialskills said:
I think the problem might be that you are reading the perspectives of people who aren’t talking about abuse, particularly if what you’re reading is apologetic narratives aimed at presenting a culture to those outside it. Those kinds of narratives don’t have a lot of space to acknowledge that abuse is common, wrong, and needs to be addressed. I suspect that you would find similar writing about your own culture equally triggering.
Maybe what’s triggering you is the feeling like there is no voice for survivors and no way to respond to abuse?
If that’s the problem, I think the solution is to seek out the voices of survivors within the culture you are trying to learn about. What do they say about their culture? How are they addressing abuse? How do their culture’s concepts of family play into that?
Whatever culture you are learning about, there will be people within it who are seeking responses to abuse within their own culture on the terms of their culture. I think that, for you, learning about other cultures probably needs to involve listening to those survivors.

Something my blog can’t do

Real Social Skills
stephani-d asked:
I have a sorta-friend who’s aspergers. My other friends and I try to be understanding about stuff (she wears earplugs so sometimes we have to remind her she’s getting loud) and has a few things she really likes, but she isn’t interested in talking about other stuff than what she likes, and interrupts a lot. I’ve been debating about showing her this blog for a while but I don’t know if that would offend her. I don’t know how to tell her she’s annoying because I’m bad at confrontation stuff.
realsocialskills said:
What would you be trying to do by showing your sorta-friend my blog?
I kind of get the sense that you’re thinking that, maybe if you showed it to her, she’d learn that the things that annoy you are bad and stop doing them. It doesn’t actually work that way, though. You can’t just point someone at instructions that will make them better. Friendship is something you work on together.
The point of friendship is that you figure out ways you like interacting, then do those things together. My blog posts can’t replace that.
If someone’s doing stuff you don’t like in a friendship, you have to work that out with them, either by talking it through or by redrawing the boundaries of the relationship so that it doesn’t cause you intolerable problems.
Some specific stuff: your friend is allowed to only want to talk about certain things. You’re allowed to want to limit how much you talk about those things. But this is a negotiating the boundaries of friendship thing, not a getting your friend to change so you’ll like her more.
Figure out what you like doing together, do that, and draw boundaries around the things you don’t want to do.

A thought about tone and comfort

Real Social Skills

If you speak about injustice and privileged people get offended, people will condescendingly explain to you that things are easier to hear if you are nice, and that you are more likely to convince people if you speak to them respectfully.

This is true, and often important to keep in mind – but people who say that to you in a conversation about injustice are usually missing the point.

They’re ignoring something fundamentally important about addressing injustice: Sometimes, the goal is not to convince privileged people to treat others better. Sometimes, the goal is to convince marginalized people that the way they are being treated is unjust and that it’s possible to resist.

There can be a tradeoff between saying things in a way it is easy for victims to hear and saying things in a way that it is easy for privileged people to hear. Sometimes, no matter which way you say it, upsetting one group or the other is inevitable. 

When you choose to say things in a way that is easy and comfortable for marginalized people to hear, you are likely to upset privileged people who are used to being addressed deferentially in these matters. And they will make their displeasure known, and other people will lecture you about being kind and building bridges.

When you choose to say things in a way that is easy and comfortable for privileged people to hear, you are likely to hurt marginalized people who are accustomed to having their feelings disregarded. They are unlikely to complain, because complaining rarely helps and often invites retaliation. When you choose to make your words comfortable for privileged people at the expense of marginalized people, no one will lecture you about kindness, tone, or saying things in a way people can hear. It will not occur to them that it matters how the victims of injustice feel in conversations about injustice.

This dynamic will be invisible to those who lecture about tone and kindness, but it should not be invisible to you. Do not let others pressure you into disregarding the feelings of marginalized people for the sake of the powerful.