Real Social Skills

Don’t trick people into talking to you

February 23, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

If you say hurtful things to someone on the Internet and hurt them enough that they block you, try and fail to gain their forgiveness because they barely know you and have problems with toxic people, and then adopt a new username, start following them again and interact with them again without hurting them, are you being dishonest and a bad person?

realsocialskills said:

I think it’s better not to frame this as a way of deciding what kind of person you are. The point isn’t to figure out whether this makes you a bad/dishonest person. The point is to figure out whether it’s a bad thing to do.

In this case, I do think it’s bad to make a new persona to interact with someone who has blocked you. It’s not ok to trick someone into interacting with you against their will.

It’s also not ok to decide that someone you hurt isn’t forgiving you because “they barely know you and have problems with toxic people” and that this means that it’s somehow ok for you to ignore their decision not to forgive you. That’s not your decision to make.

Neither being sorry, nor meaning well, nor apologizing, nor being a good person mean that you are entitled to have someone forgive you and agree to continue a relationship.

People have the right say no to forms of interaction that you want with them, even if their reasons are bad or based on misconceptions about you.

You also don’t know if you’re hurting them in your new persona. The fact that they haven’t blocked you in the new persona doesn’t mean that everything is ok. It just means that they haven’t blocked you. The one thing you do know is that they’re not interacting with you willingly and that you’re tricking them into doing something they don’t want to do.

The internet is full of people willing to interact with you. Leave the people who aren’t willing alone.

About creepy guys

February 20, 2014June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

A lot of men (and probably other genders, but mostly men) like to creepily hit on people (usually women) in contexts in which it’s not ok to hit on people. (Eg: on the subway).

Girls start experiencing this before they’re considered old enough for sex ed.

Creepy men regularly do this in a way that’s slightly deniable.

Like sitting way too close. Or asking an almost innocuous thing. And it feels really horrible to be on the receiving end, but it can be hard to put your finger on why. And if you object, the man who started it will try as hard as he can to say you’re being unreasonable. Often, bystanders or people you tell afterwards will empathically agree and tell you he was just being friendly and that didn’t have to be rude.

This is not your fault. It’s not your fault that creepy guys are awful to you, and it’s not your fault that people punish you for refusing to cooperate with their creepy actions.

There is usually no polite way to object. Because they manipulate the rules of politeness so that you have to be rude to say no.

It’s ok to be rude in that situation.

Being in that situation doesn’t mean you’re a rude inconsiderate person. It means you’re asserting an important boundary in the only available way.

Most of these guys know exactly what they are doing. It’s not innocent awkwardness. It’s a different thing. It’s doing something they know they can probably get away with denying that they’ve done.

(People do sometimes do this kind of thing by mistake, too. But it’s not ok then either. And most people who do this, know damn well what they’re doing.)

On figuring out what’s wrong

February 19, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me (as a child, i was forbidden to even mention mental health or autism, and now it’s prolly too late to bother). But I find a lot of useful and relatable in this blog (that was thanks). Thing is, I end up just cutting all connections with society (aside from parents). Not leaving my home, being happy only in solitude. But I still need to provide for myself, so I do some coding. Except often I just can’t force myself to work for unknown reason. Any advice?

realsocialskills said:

First of all, it’s not too late to bother. Understanding yourself better is always helpful. It’s a lot easier to manage unusual things about yourself if you have the right words to describe them. Among other things, having the right words allows you to connect with others like you and learn about things that work for them.

Also, some mental health or neurological issues are treatable, even in adulthood. (For instance, many adults with depression, ADHD or OCD find that medication improves their lives).

Most of us spend most of our lives as adults. This stuff doesn’t go away when we grow up, and it doesn’t stop mattering, either. So – it’s not too late, and if you think that you have a mental health or neurological condition, it is worth taking that seriously, whether or not you pursue formal diagnosis or medical treatment.

I can’t tell you why you’re having trouble working. There could be any number of reasons. Some include:

Do you like your work?

If your work requires a lot of intense focus, and you find it intensely dull, it’s likely to be hard to make yourself do it, particularly if no one else is around
If you’re so bored with your work that you regularly can’t force yourself to do it, it’s probably time to start trying to find different work
Which might still be coding if that’s your skillset – not all programming projects are the same
There’s only so long you can work against yourself by brute force

Is being alone all the time bad for your work?

Some people need to work with or alongside other people in order to get stuff done consistently
Not everyone is like this, but some people are, even many people who enjoy solitude
If that’s part of your problem, it might be important to work on ways to have company that you can stand
This could be virtual, like one person you’re on IM with while you code
Or physical, like working out of an office or hackerspace
It doesn’t necessarily need to be intensely social
This might not be a problem you have, but it is a problem some people have

Are you depressed?

If being unable to force yourself to code is a new problem, it’s possible that you’re depressed
Particularly if you’re also *generally* disinterested in most things you used to like
For some people, depression is a treatable medical problem
If that sounds likely to be part of your problem, and if you can go to a doctor safely, it might be worth bringing up the possibility that you’re depressed

Do you need better cognitive cues for work?

For some people who work alone from home, it can be really hard to *tell* when you should be working
I have this problem and I don’t have a great solution to it, so I’m not sure how much I can suggest
For some people, making a schedule helps
For some people, always working early in the day helps
For some people, using LeechBlock makes it easier to focus
Some people find that HabitRPG helps them to keep track of tasks and stay motivated

Are you ok physically?

It’s hard to work when you feel horrible physically
And a lot of neurodivergent people have trouble telling when something is wrong physically
Do you eat enough? Do you get your nutritional needs met? Going without sufficient protein or iron can quickly make everything difficult.
Do you remember to drink liquids?
Are you in pain?
Is your working environment comfortable? (eg: are the lights bothering you? is your chair painful to sit in? is your keyboard at a comfortable or uncomfortable height?)

Boundaries with people who combine racist/sexist/etc statements with a subject change

February 16, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

So, I keep running across this, and don’t know how to handle it: person a talks about subject x, and then gets sick of talking about it and sets boundary of ‘stop talking to me about this’. which is fine, except often this is right after person A said something racist or ableist or sexist or fatphobic while discussing said topic. Is it okay to call them out on this, even though they set a boundary that they’re done with the topic?

realsocialskills said:

I think it depends a lot on the situation, and the particular relationship you’re talking about.

Relationships and obligations are complicated, and so is the question of what is and is not an ok boundary.

One thing I’d say is that if you’re calling someone out a lot in a friendship, there’s probably something going wrong. Calling people on things is generally a somewhat hostile act. I don’t mean that pejoratively, sometimes it’s absolutely vital to be hostile. But if you’re finding that you’re frequently angry with a friend because of their attitudes towards marginalized groups, and that you usually strongly want to address this forcefully, it might be worth reconsidering whether you actually like them enough to have that kind of relationship. Particularly if this has been going on for a long time and things haven’t gotten better. It might be time to create some distance; you might be realizing that you don’t actually want to be that close to them.

If most of your interactions with someone end up being attempts to correct their worldview, you probably don’t actually like them that much. And close friendships need to be between people who like and respect one another in a deep way.

Friends can and do criticize one another and point out ways we’re going wrong. Everyone is wrong about something important that hurts people, and friends can really help one another to figure this out and be right about more things. But this is a respectful and mutual process between equals, not something that happens where one person transforms another. It’s also something that needs to happen consensually.

It also might be worth naming it explicitly, even if it isn’t a close relationship. For instance:

Bob: Cars cars cars cars. Long rant about cars. And also trucks.
James: Cars! Cars cars trucks cars. Wheels.
Bob: Wheels. And also axels. Women who think they can drive big trucks are such r@$%@$%s. Argh, sick of cars now. Let’s talk about something else.
James: Ok, we don’t have to talk about cars anymore, but that comment was really sexist and ableist and I’d appreciate it if you stopped saying things like that around me.

In this case, James is respecting the Bill’s decision to drop the subject, but still addressing the offensive comment.

James explicitly says that he’s willing to stop talking about cars
And then he does, in fact, stop talking about cars.
But he doesn’t let the hateful comments go, either
But he also doesn’t start an argument about the content or continue an argument about cars
Eg, James doesn’t say anything like “Bob, why do you have to be so sexist about that? My sister’s way better at driving than you’ll ever be. That’s why she wins the truck races and you totaled your car last month.”

James also isn’t necessarily trying to fix Bob or to make him see the error of his ways. He’s objecting, and asserting a boundary.

If it’s a closer relationship, the conversation might be more like:

Bob: Wheels. And also axels. Women who think they can drive big trucks are such r@$%@$%s. Argh, sick of cars now. Let’s talk about something else.
James: It really bothers me when you say things like that. Those comments are sexist and ableist, and I know things like that hurt people.
Bob: What’s the big deal? Isn’t it just an expression?
James then attempts to explain why it’s a big deal

When people are open to this kind of conversation, explaining things can be really good. If they’re not open to this kind of conversation, trying to force them to have it is likely to hurt you and unlikely to change them. If they’re not willing to engage these issues, all you can really do is set a boundary about how they behave around you.

Stimming without hurting yourself

February 15, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’m not sure if this counts as a social skill but I could use help. I’m autistic and I’m struggling with using self harm as stimming (picking, scratching, hitting), as well as severe self destructive behavior during meltdowns. As my mental health is worsening, I’m resorting to these behaviors more and more– and more publicly. I know I shouldn’t be hurting myself around people… Any advice? skills? ideas for replacement behaviors? (I know I need therapy, I’m working on it, just need help now)

realsocialskills said:

Some things that come to mind:

It might help to reframe how you’re seeing the problem:

The main problem isn’t that you’re hurting yourself around people.
The main problem is that you’re hurting yourself and that you’re suffering.
Don’t forget that you matter.
And that shame is not a cure, and you can’t solve your problems by telling yourself off
If you focus on figuring out what’s wrong, what your needs are, and how you might be able to meet them, it will probably make things easier

I’m wondering based on how you’ve framed this question if you generally try to avoid all forms of conspicuous stimming in public:

If so, stimming on purpose might help
Because for a lot of us, if we avoid stimming until it becomes physically unavoidable, it tends to come out in self-destructive ways
(eg: if I try to avoid stimming, I almost always end up picking my scalp. If I use stim toys when I feel the need to stim, I don’t)
Do you have any stims that work for you that aren’t self-destructive? Can you do those on purpose more before you get to the point of self-harm?

Some specific stims that work for some people:

I’ve found Neoballs neodymium magnets effective as a substitute for picking, and I know they have worked for other people as well. It meets a lot of the same sensory needs.
Rocking can be helpful (and it’s often not actually as conspicuous as it feels)
Sensory Squids has a lot of stimming suggestions
If you bite yourself, it might help to have something else to bite. For instance, a Teething Bling necklace (which looks acceptable for adult jewelry) or a Chewy Tube (which looks more like therapy equipment, but it’s very, very good for chewing).
Some people use music or stimming apps to reset themselves
Listening to music a lot or wearing noise reduction headphones can also help

Sometimes people harm themselves during overload as a way of reorienting:

Pain can be really orienting, but it’s not the only thing that works
One thing you can do instead is to grab onto a solid object and keep holding it until you feel more grounded.
Some examples of things to hold onto: poles, posts, shelves, shopping carts
It can also help to hold onto another person or to hold their hand, if you have someone who is ok with that
Deep pressure can also help with this. It might help to get under a heavy blanket, to wear a weighted vest, or to clasp your hands together, firmly rub your arm, or something else similar
Therapy brushes work for some people who have this need (they’re also often used nonconsensually in ways that hurt children. That’s not something that should ever happen. But they do work for some people.)
It also might help to use hard stim toys such as marbles, or a wooden baby toy such as this one (which, in my experience, people don’t read as a baby toy when I use it).

It also might help to work on identifying and avoiding triggers:

If you feel like you’re nearing the point of a meltdown, it can be tempting to try to convince yourself that you can push through and be ok through sheer force of will
That tends to end poorly
*Even if it sometimes works*, it’s not worth it
It might help to err very heavily on the side of assuming that you need to leave or take a break if you feel like you might be heading for a meltdown

Some specific situations

Do you get overloaded in crowded rooms? If so, it might help to avoid the center of the room and stay on the sides.
It also might be a good idea to stay near the door so that you can leave easily
Or so that you can ask people you’d like to talk to to hang out with you outside the room
Even more generally speaking, the center of a room can be an overloading place even if it *isn’t* crowded
If you get overloaded in classes, it’s probably a good idea to sit in the back near the door so that you can leave if you need to
(If you have a diagnosis, your doctor might be willing to write your school a letter saying that you need to be able to take sensory breaks. That can help make it easier to do this in some situations)

Don’t tell me to not let it get to me

February 6, 2014June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

This post is partly in response to a recent post by Dave Hingsbuger about dealing with hate. I’m quoting part of it here, but it’s an important post and I really reccomend reading all of it:

I want to stop the screaming in my head.

I want to stop the endless internal monologues that I have to prove to myself that another person’s words, or actions towards me, we wrong or baseless.

I want to fully recognize that someones hateful and bigoted action towards me is simply hatred and bigotry and as such exist in their heart not something that exists in my reality.

These are hard things to want, but I want them.

quote ends here

I know this feeling well. And it’s really hard. And one reason it’s hard to talk about is that, well meaning people will suggest all kinds of things like:

It shouldn’t matter to you what they think of you. They’re just hateful. It’s their problem.
Have you tried meditation?
Remember that you are loved, those people don’t matter
Just ignore them
Life is too short to let that get to you

And the thing is… Those people do matter, and you can’t just decide not to care.

Our culture has active contempt for all kinds of people who deserve better. And when you’re the target, it’s hard to know that people who hate you are wrong. It’s hard to know all the time – no one succeeds 100% at this.

And sometimes it’s presented as though being hurt by it is a moral failing. It’s not. There is no skin any of us could grow that would make us immune. There is no simple stance that will make it stop hurting.

But it does help to remind ourselves, as much as possible, that we deserve better. And to spend our time with people who get it.

Saying what you need to say to get bullies to back off

February 2, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

What do you when “not that kind of person” is the only way you can get someone to take your consent seriously? For example, I once resorted to telling a man I was “not the kind of girl” who had one-night stands because other ways of trying to get him to stop pestering me to sleep with him had failed but he seemed to accept that. I don’t want to perpetuate that there are “types of people” who do/don’t do X, but what if nothing else will make someone leave you alone?

realsocialskills answered:

I think in that situation, you do what you have to do.

That’s not about thinking there are kinds of people in that sense.

It’s about you telling the lies you need to tell in order to get an aggressive bully to leave you alone.

It’s ok to lie to bullies.

Identifying bad friends

February 1, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

How to weed out bad friends?

realsocialskills said:

Here are some rules of thumb:

Good friends are people you like. If you’re trying to figure out whether you like someone, here are things to keep in mind:

Do you like being around them? Is interaction with them usually pleasant?
How do you talk about them when they’re not there? If most of what you say is a complaint of some sort, you probably don’t actually like them very much
It’s ok not to like people
But if you don’t like someone, it’s probably better not to try to be their close friend or spend lots of time with them

Good friends are people who like you:

Does this person enjoy your company?
Do they respect you when you’re there? If most of what they say is insulting, they probably don’t like you.
If they make a lot of jokes at your expense that hurt you, and mock you if you tell them to knock it off, they probably don’t like you very much
If they act like they’re doing you a favor by being your friend, they probably don’t like you very much
Life is a lot better when you surround yourself with folks who like you, and minimize entanglements with people who don’t

Good friends don’t creep on each other:

People who insist on touching you in ways you don’t like probably aren’t very good friends
People who won’t stop hitting on you or making sexual comments probably aren’t very good friends
People who insist on talking to you about explicit sexual topics you aren’t comfortable hearing about probably aren’t very good friends.
People who make a lot of explicit comments about your sex life or sexual desires without caring whether you want to discuss that with them aren’t good friends
In some social circles, you might come under tremendous pressure to laugh this kind of thing off
But it’s not ok, and life is better when you don’t tolerate it, and when you are able to create a social circle of people who don’t tolerate it

Good friends understand that you have a life outside them:

Friends aren’t always available when friends want them to be, because they have a life and other things that matter
Good friends understand that you spend time with other people, and have emotionally significant relationships that they aren’t part of
They also understand that you have other things you need to attend to, such as work, school, taking care of your health, etc
And they don’t treat it as an offense against them when you spend money on yourself, even when you’re buying something they wish they could afford but can’t
Friends who expect to always unconditionally come first in your life are not good friends. (Even if they think they put you first. Even if it’s true, but it usually isn’t.)

Pay attention to your feelings:

If you feel horrible about yourself every time you see someone, it’s probably not a good friendship
If how you feel about someone changes a lot, there’s probably something really wrong. It might be fixable, it might be possible to work around it, but it’s important to figure out what it is
If how you feel about someone is dramatically different when you’re with them than when you’re not, something is wrong and it’s important to figure out what it is
For instance, if you consistently dread hanging out with someone, but enjoy it when you do, something is wrong (it might not be a problem with them, it might be social anxiety or something else. But it’s important to figure out what’s going on)
And when you swear up and down that you like someone, but you also avoid them and don’t feel good when you spend time with them, you probably don’t actually like them as much as you think you do. Even if they have really great qualities.

Sometimes it’s not a bad friend. Sometimes it’s a bad friendship that can be improved by renegotiating boundaries:

For instance, some people are good to spend time with, but not good to spend tons of time with. Captain Awkward has a good post on small doses friends
Some people act dramatically different in public than in private. Spending time with them mostly or entirely in the setting you like them in can make the friendship a lot better
Some people are nice to interact with in person, but not online, or vice versa. Being someone’s friend doesn’t mean you have to discuss politics with them on facebook, or that you have to engage with their derailing comments on everything you post. Similarly, talking to someone online doesn’t mean you have to go to their noisy parties
Some friendships aren’t really personal relationships so much as alliances in which you trade favors. That’s an ok kind of relationship to have, so long as it’s actually equal and not exploitation. Trying to convert an alliance into a close friendship tends to end poorly though, especially if only one person wants that