Tag: boundaries

A follow up: When you’re the one who wants forgiveness

Real Social Skills

Sometimes, you hurt someone in a way that is dealbreaking. I think most people will probably do this at some point during the course of their life. Not to the same degree, and not with the same culpability, but it’s something that everyone is capable of doing.

If you do that, it’s important not to put pressure on the person you hurt to forgive you.

If they’ve asked you not to contact them, respect that. Even if you think that you understand what the problem was and you’ve now solved it. Even if you think you’re trustworthy now. Even if what you really want is a chance to apologize. 

People you’ve hurt don’t owe you their attention, and they don’t owe it to you to help you learn to be a better person. They don’t owe you help getting atonement.

When you’re in a hole, stop digging. Don’t keep hurting the person with constant invasive attempts to apologize or fix things.

Sometimes you can’t make things right. Some things can’t be undone; some damage can’t be fixed.

What you can do is move on, and learn from the experience. You can learn what you did wrong, and figure out how to never do it again. And you can build a life in which you are good to others, while respecting that the person you hurt is no longer part of it.

A short additional point about forgiveness

Real Social Skills

You can get distance without forgiving the person who hurt you.

In in particular, you can get past a point of being consumed by anger without forgiving the person who hurt you.

Because your recovery is not about that person. It’s about you. And you don’t have to forgive them to get them out of the center of your emotional life.

Sometimes distance is better than forgiveness

Real Social Skills

Sometimes, someone hurts you in a way that’s permanently and forver dealbreaking.

Some people will tell you that you have to forgive the person who hurt you in order to move on. Sometimes, they will put lots of pressure on you and tell you that if you’re still suffering, it’s your own fault for bearing a grudge.

But… you don’t have to forgive someone to get distance. You can do that by creating a boundary. Sometimes that means you limit contact with them to areas in which they’re safe for you. Sometimes that means you break off contact entirely. In any case, it’s something you can do unilaterally. 

You can break away and build a life that has nothing to do with them. They don’t have to loom large in your life forever. 

And you don’t have to get closure or resolution or anything like that in order to move on. What you have to do is move on and do other things.

It takes time and it doesn’t fix everything (neither does forgiveness, despite cultural tropes). But it allows you to build space for yourself, without that person’s hurt taking over everything. And you don’t have to forgive them or do anything at all regarding them to get that space.

Your life is about you, not the person who hurt you.

Making mistakes about a relationships

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I once thought I was dating this friend of mine while he thought we were really close friends who went to the movies and hung out all the time. He was fantastic and sent me a very nice email saying he heard rumors that we were dating and he just wanted us to be and remain friends. Incredibly embarrassing, and completely unintentional on both of our parts!
Yes, that’s a kind of thing that can happen. People misunderstand each other in all kinds of embarrassing ways, especially since our culture makes it hard to talk about these things explicitly.
Everyone honestly misreads things sometimes. Imaginary friending is different. Imaginary friending is when you are unwilling or unable to consider the possibility that someone doesn’t want the kind of friendship you want. (Even if they’ve said so explicitly).

Getting therapy doesn’t mean renouncing all boundaries

Real Social Skills

If you want to try therapy (OT/PT/psych/CBT/whatever):

  • Keep in mind that you’re under no obligation to do so
  • You should do it if it helps you, and not if it doesn’t
  • It’s ok to judge this for yourself
  • If the therapist doesn’t respect you, find a different one (if you still want to continue trying therapy; it’s ok to decide not to)
  • If the therapist seems to prefer for you to be in pain, that’s a problem
  • Whether it’s emotional or physical pain
  • Some therapy inevitably involves a certain amount of pain, but it’s a major red flag if a therapist seems to be pursuing it as an end in itself
  • You do not need your therapist’s permission to quit
  • If they keep convincing you in person to continue, but you always want to quit when you’re not with them, it’s ok to end the therapy over the phone or email
  • Or to just quit making appointments
  • Some therapists are really good at manipulating people into doing things that are bad for them, and you don’t have to cooperate with that

When you are someone’s imaginary friend

Real Social Skills

Friendships require two consenting people. Someone can’t be your friend unless you also want to be their friend. Friendship is a relationship and it has to be mutual.

Some people do not understand this. Some people want to think of themselves as your friends, and don’t care what you want.

In effect, people who do this are treating you as an imaginary friend. They don’t want *you*. They want an imaginary different person who wants to be their close friend. (And, they probably want a number of other differences, too.)

If they wanted you, if they were interested in friendship with the person you actually are, they’d respect it when you said no.

You can’t usually stop someone from perceiving you as an imaginary friend, but you don’t owe them your cooperation, either. It’s ok to ignore them. It’s ok to refuse to listen to lectures on why you’re being a bad friend. You don’t have to give them a chance and you don’t have to convince them that you’re right to distance yourself. You don’t owe it to anyone to help them pretend you’re their friend.

You can’t stop them from thinking whatever they want to think about you. If they send you lots of email. Or letters. Just don’t read them. Because they’re interacting with an imaginary person. Not you. And the real you doesn’t have to play along.

Another thing about therapy

Real Social Skills

A good percentage of people who need therapy only get it after repeatedly failing at things everyone around them can do. (Especially developmentally disabled children). This is often humiliating.

This means that therapy can be triggering. Therapy involves focusing on difficulties that someone has learned to regard as humiliating flaws. It’s important to keep this in mind when you give therapy.

Don’t expect someone to trust you right away. You have to demonstrate that you are trustworthy. You have to show them that you can be relied on to treat them respectfully. You have to demonstrate that you won’t ever regard them as broken, or make respecting them contingent on them progressing toward a cure.

And it needs to be true. You can’t just affect safety and kindness. You have to actually be trustworthy in a deep way, and let that show through your action.

You don’t get to decide when you have established trust; you don’t get to decide when someone receiving therapy should feel safe. It’s up to the person getting the therapy. (Even if they are a child.)

And if you understand this, you’ll be much more able to help people.

More about respectful therapy

Real Social Skills

This applies to both adults and children. Respect is really important.

Some of what this means is:

Understand that people who need therapy are going to have trouble with it sometimes:

  • People who have therapy have it because some things are hard for them. This is normal and should be expected in a therapy context.
  • Being in therapy doesn’t make things easy. It just means someone is getting help learning something
  • Expect that it’s going to be hard for the person you’re teaching to learn the things you are teaching them
  • And sometimes they will have trouble in ways you didn’t anticipate
  • When they are having more trouble than you expect, don’t get angry
  • And don’t make fun of them
  • And don’t accuse them of being lazy or wasting your time
  • And especially, don’t tell them that if they’d just *try*, they’d be able to do it
  • Help them find a way to figure out how to do the thing.
  • This means sometimes you might have to spend an hour or hours searching for a way to successfully explain something you think of as simple or obvious
  • This is part of your job. You’re there to help people figure out how to do things, and sometimes that’s hard.
  • It’s not ok to get angry at or frustrated with someone when they’re having trouble understanding something. If you’re feeling that way, it’s your problem and not theirs, and you need to find help dealing with it.
  • Treat people with consistent respect. That makes a huge difference.

Respect your client’s priorities:

  • Adults in therapy get to decide which things they want to work on
  • If they want help with one thing, and you think something else would be more helpful, it’s their call and not yours
  • It’s ok to tell them what you’d advise and why
  • It’s not ok to coerce them into doing what you want
  • It’s also not ok to treat them as less-than-human or unworthy of help if their priorities are different from yours
  • For instance, someone might care about reducing pain but not especially care about walking
  • Or someone might care about nutrition for cognitive functioning but not especially care about weight loss
  • And they get to decide that

Kids in therapy also have agency

  • Kids don’t get to decide everything the way adults do, but what they want still matters
  • It’s important to acknowledge that they have opinions and priorities
  • And it’s important to listen seriously. Sometimes they know something you don’t, and sometimes listening will change your opinion of what they should be doing in therapy
  • And sometimes, their opinions and priorities should be respected even if you think they are making a mistake
  • This is especially true of teenagers
  • Don’t equate kids with their parents. Sometimes kids and parents disagree. Listening to the parents isn’t enough
  • Do listen to the parents, though. They probably know relevant things about your child that you don’t know. Not always, but usually.

You don’t always have to argue

Real Social Skills

Sometimes people want to convince you to do things that you don’t want to do, and which aren’t any of their business.

Sometimes people want to argue with you about politics, and aren’t willing to have the conversation end unless you convince them or they convince you.

It’s ok to decide you don’t want to have those arguments. It’s ok to unilaterally end that kind of conversation.

You don’t have to convince them you’re right. You don’t have to convince them that you’re right about the issue in question, and you don’t have to convince them that you’re right about not wanting to discuss it.

It’s ok to say no to conversations you don’t want to have about things that are entirely your business.