- Trust isn’t automatic
- It’s something that develops over time as you learn things about someone
- You don’t have to trust someone right away just because they seem like an ok-ish person
- Someone trusting you does not mean you have to trust them
- Someone having a strong emotional need for you to trust them does not mean you should.
- Even if someone says that not trusting them is *ist, you still do not have to trust them
- You don’t have to make yourself vulnerable just because someone else wants you to
Author: Real Social Skills
Therapy is a choice
Sometimes, when you are dealing with a really awful therapist, people will tell you “That is a terrible therapist! You should find another one!”
And sometimes that is the right thing to do.
But sometimes it isn’t.
Sometimes the right thing to do is decide not to go to therapy anymore. Or to decide not to go to therapy *right now*, even if you’re open to it in the future.
Therapy is a choice. And it is possible to decide to stop going to a bad therapist without making plans to find a new one.
It takes more than etymology to make a slur
A reader asked:
Do you think words with etymologies based on oppression (like “idiot” or “hysterical”) but are no longer used that way now should be considered slurs? Do you think most people consider them slurs? I’ve heard some compelling arguments for why they should be treated like slurs, but I’ve also heard some good reasons for why they shouldn’t be, and it’s all very confusing.
realsocialskills answered:
I don’t think etymology is important. I think what’s important is how a word is used.
If something is used as a slur, then it’s a slur even if it has a neutral etymology. (People try to argue that the r-word isn’t a slur because it literally just means slow. Those people are wrong.)
If something is not used as a slur, then it’s not one even if it has an etymology based on oppression or hate. (For instance: “autism” has an etymology based on dehumanizing autistic people, but it’s not a slur.)
This gets complicated because sometimes people will claim that something “isn’t a slur anymore” even when it clearly is. If people the word is used against think it’s still a slur, then it’s a slur even if some people think they “don’t mean it that way”. (The g-word is a good example of this.)
I think that there are also words that are somewhat tainted by oppressive etymologies or connotations. It can be worthwhile to personally try to avoid using those words. (I avoid some, but not all, tainted words for that reason). But it’s dangerous to treat these words as actually being the same as slurs. One reason it’s important not to do this is that it causes serious problems for people with language disabilities. This is a good example of the importance of understanding the difference between personal piety and basic morality.
Some thoughts on PTSD at school
A reader asked:
I developed PTSD last year and took time off college, and I’m about to go back for the first time since then. I’ve been auditing classes for a few months now though and I’m suddenly terrified. I can barely read anymore (I can’t focus and it’s often panic inducing). I dissociate in class and sometimes even have highly humiliating episodes in lectures. I never retain anything and it feels futile and I’m afraid I’m gonna flunk out. If you have any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you!!
realsocialskills answered:
Since I don’t know you, all I can do is guess – but here are a couple of possibilities that comes to mind:
Do you find evaluation triggering? Like, tests, quizzes, papers, things where you have to prove that you mastered the material? Or knowing that you’re being graded?
If so, I wonder if maybe a full course load might be too much for you right now. Being terrified is exhausting and time consuming. So is dealing with being triggered a lot. That plus a full course load might be taking up more time than you have.
It might be better to start by only taking one course for credit. That could give you space to work on figuring out what’s triggering and how to deal with it.
Another possibility: If you’re missing material because you dissociate in class, you might be able to get a notetaker as a disability accommodation. Or you might try recording the lectures (which is a disability accommodation you can get even if recording isn’t normally allowed). Similarly, if you find a particular *kind* of assessment triggering, you might be able to arrange a modified form (eg: if taking a quiz in-class causes you to dissociate, you might be able to arrange to do a take-home instead.)
You might also try collaborative note taking:
- It’s a good strategy for anyone to try who is having trouble paying attention in lecture
- But it might also be helpful for you if your episodes are the kind someone can help you avert if you see one coming on
- Because then you’d already be communicating with your notetaking partner, so if you see a problem coming it might give your the opportunity to get help
Another possibility: Are you dealing with a triggering or cognitively incompatible teacher?
- For some people, teachers who teach in certain ways can be triggering
- Or can be so hard to understand that they exhaust you in ways that take away the cognitive abilities you need to do school
- Or can be hostile to you in subtle but intensely destructive ways
- Or any number of other serious points of incompatibility
- If you’re having a debilitating reaction to a particular teacher, it’s probably really important to not take classes with that teacher, even if it looks like a good idea on paper
(There’s a range of different things that work for different people, so it would also be good to seek out different perspectives.)
A problem with “difference”
“Everyone is different” is not always a positive message. Because, yes, everyone is different and unique and special. And that matters. But not everyone is equally different.
Sometimes, kids grow up knowing that they are very different from everyone they’ve met, and that this difference is stigmatized. And sometimes, they have no words for it. And they can feel that it’s not at all the same as just everyone has their own uniqueness.
And they don’t know that this major stigmatized difference is *something that they have in common with other people.*
Sometimes, they don’t need to hear once again that everyone is different and that it’s ok to be different. Sometimes what they need to hear is that there are other people like them.
Conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism
A reader asked:
What are the conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism? Is there a polite way to refuse touch on these situations?
realsocialskills answered:
That depends on the nature of your faith. Different traditions have different attitudes towards going into places of worship associated with other religions. And ultimately, it’s a matter of what your perspective on these things is.
One approach is that going to a funeral doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with religion or your religious beliefs. It can be about supporting people who are going through the awful experience of losing someone they care about. That’s generally understood to be one reason people go to funerals. Going to a funeral is not taken as a sign that you believe in that faith, just that you care about the people.
Most, but not all, religions make it possible to be in the service without actively participating in affirmations of faith. Because most religions accept that people have a legitimate reason to be present other than being part of that faith. For some people, that makes it ok to be at funerals in houses of worship that have very different values than their own – because they aren’t affirming that faith by being there; just supporting people in their grief.
But it’s also ok if your faith or atheism means that you’re unable to be present during the rituals of another faith. For some people, that’s really important. (It’s also important not to be a jerk about it.) If you’re not able to be present at the funeral, there are other ways you can offer support. For instance, calling them a few days later, or coming by, and checking how they’re doing and whether they want to talk. In some ways that can be more helpful than the funeral because sometimes people can be very alone and isolated after the public ritual has ended.
In terms of polite ways to avoid touch, it depends on which religious group you are talking about. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not. When it’s not, it’s ok if that means you need to avoid that kind of service and find out ways to support mourners.
There is a useful book called How to be a perfect stranger that gives a guide to what’s likely to happen and be expected at various places of worship. That might be helpful in navigating these things.
Who is and isn’t seen as having the right to cuss
A reader commented:
One thing about what age it becomes acceptable to swear: It can vary not just depending on location, it can also vary depending on your gender and disability status, and possibly other things i know less about. if you are female and/or disabled, people may want to preserve your “innocence” and may have a bad reaction to you swearing at a later age than they would if you were an able-bodied, neurotypical male. This is especially true for severely disabled people, regardless of gender.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, this is definitely true.
It can also be connected to not wanting people to be able to have boundaries.
Cussing is a particularly emphatic and unequivocal form of “no”.
Some people aren’t perceived as having a right to that kind of power.
Hierarchies of cussing
A reader asked:
I’ve never understood which swearwords are worse than others. It’s only in very recent years that I’ve heard people saying that the c-word is the worst of all. Before that I assumed the f-word was the worst swearword. Is there a pretty specific hierarchy of severity?
realsocialskills answered:
It depends on the context.
There are different kinds of swear words:
- Profanity based on religious concepts (“Go to hell”, “Goddammit”)
- Sexual or scatological swears (“Fuck off”, “shit”)
- Then there are slurs that derive their power from invoking hatred of a particular group (eg, the n-word, the r-word, the t-word and the g-word (I don’t like to spell out slurs – if you don’t know which words I mean, send me a message and I’ll tell you).
There is also some ambiguity:
- Sexual swears have substantial overlap with misogynist or homophobic slurs
- Telling someone to “fuck off” generally isn’t a slur, but telling someone they need to get laid often is
- Calling someone a bastard or an SOB tends to not be meant literally or intended to invoke stigma associated with being born out of wedlock. But it definitely has origins as a slur and is often still intentionally used that way. It’s the kind of swear word that is highly context dependent – in some situations it’s considered a fairly mild swear; among people who are regularly called those things as slurs it is *not* mild
- In the US, calling someone the c-word is a misogynist slur. I’m not sure that’s the case in other parts of the world.
Which type of swear word is considered more severe is heavily context-dependent:
- In secular culture, religion-related profanity is generally considered the mildest. That is not necessarily the case among religious people.
- Slurs properly *ought* to be considered the worst words, but they tend not to be. For instance, you can say them on television without bleeping in the US, but you can’t say most of the sexual and scatological swears
- But some people aren’t offended at all by “fuck”, but are extremely offended by slurs (that might be behind people’s reaction to the c-word).
A lot also depends on how the word is being used. There are a lot of nuances. For instance, here are some variations on the uses of scatological, sexual, and profane swear words:
- Saying a word by itself to express frustration or pain is one of the more mild forms of swearing (eg: dropping something on your toe and exclaiming “fuck!”). This is generally considered acceptable for adults, although the range of words considered acceptable varies.
- This is generally not considered acceptable for young children; the age at which it becomes socially acceptable depends a lot on where you are
- Using a cuss word to describe someone or their work is considered more severe (eg: “That’s a shitty piece of art.”; “People who think that’s ok can just fuck right off”)
- Actually saying the word to someone you think it about directly is the most severe form of swearing, generally speaking (eg: “Fuck you”.)
These words can get really complicated and confusing, and the rules are different in different places. It’s not just you – it’s confusing and context dependent.
Respecting people who have seizures
A reader asked:
I’ve recently made friends with a guy with a seizure disorder and he let everyone in the class know about it, so i figured it wasn’t a big deal but he started having a seizure today in class and it freaked me out,I think i just need your opinion on how to deal with being around this person because I figure it must be annoying to mention what happened all day long to him, or to like ask him if he’s ok, and stuff.It kind of worries me that he’s gonna like start having a seizure or something. Should i treat him like everyone else or is it ok to be worried?
realsocialskills answered
A couple of things:
Epileptics have seizures, whether or not you’re around to see them.
Folks who have seizures have the right to be in public places and participate in classes and everything else. And it’s really important that other people accept that, and not get intensely uncomfortable with their presence. Other people’s discomfort can be a really heavy burden to bear – it’s important for everyone’s sake that you find a way of getting over it.
That said, it sounds like a lot of the problem is that you’re not used to being around people who have seizures, and that you’re uncomfortable because you don’t know what the rules are. It sounds like maybe you’re not sure what you’re supposed to do if they have a seizure, and that being afraid of doing the wrong thing is stressful.
I’d say – if they’ve told you they have seizures, they’re probably ok with you asking if there is something you should do if they have one. And, along those lines:
- Believe what they tell you, even if it contradicts things you think you know about seizures
- Do not argue with them about their needs
- Write down the thing they’ve said to do so that you will remember it
- And if they have a seizure, do that thing
Also, if they have seizures that are triggered by something in the environment, it might be good to offer to help protect them from that thing. For instance, some people are triggered by flashing lights or music with a heavy beat.
Policing access needs is exhausting, and it can be physically impossible for someone once they are triggered. If you can help bear that load and make the space safer, do so. But make sure you’re doing it from an informed place, and that what you are doing is actually helpful. (For instance, not all epileptics have problems with strobes, and being the flicker police for someone who isn’t triggered by light is the opposite of helpful.)
Again, this is a thing you can ask them about – are there things that are dangerous to them that it is important to keep out of the classroom? And again, believe them and do what they tell you to do regarding this.
It’s also important to keep in mind that their medical condition is not actually any of your business. If they don’t want to tell you any more than they already have, that is their right.
And part of what that means is – it’s not ok to expect reassurance from them about everything being ok. They might not be ok – people who aren’t ok still have the right to go to school and keep their private life private. So if you’re asking whether they’re ok because you’re worried and want to know if they need help, that can be good. But checking up on them for your sake because you want to be reassured and made comfortable is not good.
Collaborative note-taking
Sometimes, collaborative note-taking can make classes or meetings better.
This how it works:
- Make a google doc
- Share it with a friend in the class/meeting
- Take notes together in the same document
- And comment on what the other is writing
- (This only works if you both have laptops and internet access in class)
Here’s some examples of how this can be helpful:
It can make it easier to pay attention:
- For many people, conversations are much easier to pay attention to than lectures
- One reason is that if you’re interacting, it’s easier to *notice* whether you’re paying attention
- Doing collaborative note-taking adds an interactive layer to the lecture, which can make it easier to pay attention
When you miss things, you can catch each other up, eg:
- “I didn’t catch that. Is he talking about cats or dogs?”
- “I think dogs, but it’s hard to tell. It’s tangential to the main point about lions.”
It can also be easier to write down complicated statements if you have two versions to compare in the moment.
When you don’t understand, you can ask each other for help without having to interrupt and get the teacher’s attention, eg:
- “Is he really saying that hamsters can fly?”
- “No, he’s saying that he once edited wikipedia to make it claim that, and it took a week for anyone to notice.”
or:
- “What page are we on?”
- “Page 56 near the bottom.”
Sometimes it can also make it easier to ask the teacher questions.
- “I’d like to ask him whether rainbows can happen at night”
- “So, ask him!”
- *verbally* “Can rainbows happen at night?”
- (I’m not sure why this works for me, but it does. It’s far easier for me to ask questions verbally when I’ve run them by another student/coworker in text.)
It can also make terrible meetings or classes more bearable, for instance:
- “Is he really suggesting that we buy 500 pounds of ham?”
- “It seems like he is. Oh dear. Should we say something?”
- *more notes about what’s going on, not just conversation
You can fluidly move between taking notes directly, and talking to one another about what’s going on.
Some of this is possible to do by taking notes in separate files and using a chat program to talk to each other, but it doesn’t work as well because:
- It’s more distracting since you have to switch between windows and modes to talk in different ways. So there’s a switching barrier to paying attention to your notes file.
- When your conversation is *in* the notes, it’s easier to pay attention to the notes
- If someone is watching you, it looks just like taking notes usually looks. If you use a chat program, it looks like you’re goofing off and not paying attention.
This is not a good strategy for everyone or every situation, but when it works, it works *really* well.