Category: reader questions

On figuring out what’s wrong

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me (as a child, i was forbidden to even mention mental health or autism, and now it’s prolly too late to bother). But I find a lot of useful and relatable in this blog (that was thanks). Thing is, I end up just cutting all connections with society (aside from parents). Not leaving my home, being happy only in solitude. But I still need to provide for myself, so I do some coding. Except often I just can’t force myself to work for unknown reason. Any advice?
realsocialskills said:
First of all, it’s not too late to bother. Understanding yourself better is always helpful. It’s a lot easier to manage unusual things about yourself if you have the right words to describe them. Among other things, having the right words allows you to connect with others like you and learn about things that work for them.
Also, some mental health or neurological issues are treatable, even in adulthood. (For instance, many adults with depression, ADHD or OCD find that medication improves their lives).
Most of us spend most of our lives as adults. This stuff doesn’t go away when we grow up, and it doesn’t stop mattering, either. So – it’s not too late, and if you think that you have a mental health or neurological condition, it is worth taking that seriously, whether or not you pursue formal diagnosis or medical treatment.
I can’t tell you why you’re having trouble working. There could be any number of reasons. Some include:
Do you like your work?
  • If your work requires a lot of intense focus, and you find it intensely dull, it’s likely to be hard to make yourself do it, particularly if no one else is around
  • If you’re so bored with your work that you regularly can’t force yourself to do it, it’s probably time to start trying to find different work
  • Which might still be coding if that’s your skillset – not all programming projects are the same
  • There’s only so long you can work against yourself by brute force

Is being alone all the time bad for your work?

  • Some people need to work with or alongside other people in order to get stuff done consistently
  • Not everyone is like this, but some people are, even many people who enjoy solitude
  • If that’s part of your problem, it might be important to work on ways to have company that you can stand
  • This could be virtual, like one person you’re on IM with while you code
  • Or physical, like working out of an office or hackerspace
  • It doesn’t necessarily need to be intensely social
  • This might not be a problem you have, but it is a problem some people have

Are you depressed?

  • If being unable to force yourself to code is a new problem, it’s possible that you’re depressed
  • Particularly if you’re also *generally* disinterested in most things you used to like
  • For some people, depression is a treatable medical problem
  • If that sounds likely to be part of your problem, and if you can go to a doctor safely, it might be worth bringing up the possibility that you’re depressed

Do you need better cognitive cues for work?

  • For some people who work alone from home, it can be really hard to *tell* when you should be working
  • I have this problem and I don’t have a great solution to it, so I’m not sure how much I can suggest
  • For some people, making a schedule helps
  • For some people, always working early in the day helps
  • For some people, using LeechBlock makes it easier to focus
  • Some people find that HabitRPG helps them to keep track of tasks and stay motivated

Are you ok physically?

  • It’s hard to work when you feel horrible physically
  • And a lot of neurodivergent people have trouble telling when something is wrong physically
  • Do you eat enough? Do you get your nutritional needs met? Going without sufficient protein or iron can quickly make everything difficult.
  • Do you remember to drink liquids?
  • Are you in pain?
  • Is your working environment comfortable? (eg: are the lights bothering you? is your chair painful to sit in? is your keyboard at a comfortable or uncomfortable height?)

Boundaries with people who combine racist/sexist/etc statements with a subject change

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
So, I keep running across this, and don’t know how to handle it: person a talks about subject x, and then gets sick of talking about it and sets boundary of ‘stop talking to me about this’. which is fine, except often this is right after person A said something racist or ableist or sexist or fatphobic while discussing said topic. Is it okay to call them out on this, even though they set a boundary that they’re done with the topic?
realsocialskills said:
I think it depends a lot on the situation, and the particular relationship you’re talking about.
Relationships and obligations are complicated, and so is the question of what is and is not an ok boundary.
One thing I’d say is that if you’re calling someone out a lot in a friendship, there’s probably something going wrong. Calling people on things is generally a somewhat hostile act. I don’t mean that pejoratively, sometimes it’s absolutely vital to be hostile. But if you’re finding that you’re frequently angry with a friend because of their attitudes towards marginalized groups, and that you usually strongly want to address this forcefully, it might be worth reconsidering whether you actually like them enough to have that kind of relationship. Particularly if this has been going on for a long time and things haven’t gotten better. It might be time to create some distance; you might be realizing that you don’t actually want to be that close to them.
If most of your interactions with someone end up being attempts to correct their worldview, you probably don’t actually like them that much. And close friendships need to be between people who like and respect one another in a deep way.
Friends can and do criticize one another and point out ways we’re going wrong. Everyone is wrong about something important that hurts people, and friends can really help one another to figure this out and be right about more things. But this is a respectful and mutual process between equals, not something that happens where one person transforms another. It’s also something that needs to happen consensually.
It also might be worth naming it explicitly, even if it isn’t a close relationship. For instance:
  • Bob: Cars cars cars cars. Long rant about cars. And also trucks.
  • James: Cars! Cars cars trucks cars. Wheels.
  • Bob: Wheels. And also axels. Women who think they can drive big trucks are such r@$%@$%s. Argh, sick of cars now. Let’s talk about something else.
  • James: Ok, we don’t have to talk about cars anymore, but that comment was really sexist and ableist and I’d appreciate it if you stopped saying things like that around me.

In this case, James is respecting the Bill’s decision to drop the subject, but still addressing the offensive comment.

  • James explicitly says that he’s willing to stop talking about cars
  • And then he does, in fact, stop talking about cars.
  • But he doesn’t let the hateful comments go, either
  • But he also doesn’t start an argument about the content or continue an argument about cars
  • Eg, James doesn’t say anything like “Bob, why do you have to be so sexist about that? My sister’s way better at driving than you’ll ever be. That’s why she wins the truck races and you totaled your car last month.”

James also isn’t necessarily trying to fix Bob or to make him see the error of his ways. He’s objecting, and asserting a boundary.

If it’s a closer relationship, the conversation might be more like:

  • Bob: Wheels. And also axels. Women who think they can drive big trucks are such r@$%@$%s. Argh, sick of cars now. Let’s talk about something else.
  • James: It really bothers me when you say things like that. Those comments are sexist and ableist, and I know things like that hurt people.
  • Bob: What’s the big deal? Isn’t it just an expression?
  • James then attempts to explain why it’s a big deal

When people are open to this kind of conversation, explaining things can be really good. If they’re not open to this kind of conversation, trying to force them to have it is likely to hurt you and unlikely to change them. If they’re not willing to engage these issues, all you can really do is set a boundary about how they behave around you.

Stimming without hurting yourself

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I’m not sure if this counts as a social skill but I could use help. I’m autistic and I’m struggling with using self harm as stimming (picking, scratching, hitting), as well as severe self destructive behavior during meltdowns. As my mental health is worsening, I’m resorting to these behaviors more and more– and more publicly. I know I shouldn’t be hurting myself around people… Any advice? skills? ideas for replacement behaviors? (I know I need therapy, I’m working on it, just need help now)
realsocialskills said:
Some things that come to mind:
It might help to reframe how you’re seeing the problem:
  • The main problem isn’t that you’re hurting yourself around people.
  • The main problem is that you’re hurting yourself and that you’re suffering.
  • Don’t forget that you matter.
  • And that shame is not a cure, and you can’t solve your problems by telling yourself off
  • If you focus on figuring out what’s wrong, what your needs are, and how you might be able to meet them, it will probably make things easier
I’m wondering based on how you’ve framed this question if you generally try to avoid all forms of conspicuous stimming in public:
  • If so, stimming on purpose might help
  • Because for a lot of us, if we avoid stimming until it becomes physically unavoidable, it tends to come out in self-destructive ways
  • (eg: if I try to avoid stimming, I almost always end up picking my scalp. If I use stim toys when I feel the need to stim, I don’t)
  • Do you have any stims that work for you that aren’t self-destructive? Can you do those on purpose more before you get to the point of self-harm?
Some specific stims that work for some people:
  • I’ve found Neoballs neodymium magnets effective as a substitute for picking, and I know they have worked for other people as well. It meets a lot of the same sensory needs.
  • Rocking can be helpful (and it’s often not actually as conspicuous as it feels)
  • Sensory Squids has a lot of stimming suggestions
  • If you bite yourself, it might help to have something else to bite. For instance, a Teething Bling necklace (which looks acceptable for adult jewelry) or a Chewy Tube (which looks more like therapy equipment, but it’s very, very good for chewing).
  • Some people use music or stimming apps to reset themselves
  • Listening to music a lot or wearing noise reduction headphones can also help

Sometimes people harm themselves during overload as a way of reorienting:

  • Pain can be really orienting, but it’s not the only thing that works
  • One thing you can do instead is to grab onto a solid object and keep holding it until you feel more grounded.
  • Some examples of things to hold onto: poles, posts, shelves, shopping carts
  • It can also help to hold onto another person or to hold their hand, if you have someone who is ok with that
  • Deep pressure can also help with this. It might help to get under a heavy blanket, to wear a weighted vest, or to clasp your hands together, firmly rub your arm, or something else similar
  • Therapy brushes work for some people who have this need (they’re also often used nonconsensually in ways that hurt children. That’s not something that should ever happen. But they do work for some people.)
  • It also might help to use hard stim toys such as marbles, or a wooden baby toy such as this one (which, in my experience, people don’t read as a baby toy when I use it).

It also might help to work on identifying and avoiding triggers:

  • If you feel like you’re nearing the point of a meltdown, it can be tempting to try to convince yourself that you can push through and be ok through sheer force of will
  • That tends to end poorly
  • *Even if it sometimes works*, it’s not worth it
  • It might help to err very heavily on the side of assuming that you need to leave or take a break if you feel like you might be heading for a meltdown

Some specific situations

  • Do you get overloaded in crowded rooms? If so, it might help to avoid the center of the room and stay on the sides.
  • It also might be a good idea to stay near the door so that you can leave easily
  • Or so that you can ask people you’d like to talk to to hang out with you outside the room
  • Even more generally speaking, the center of a room can be an overloading place even if it *isn’t* crowded
  • If you get overloaded in classes, it’s probably a good idea to sit in the back near the door so that you can leave if you need to
  • (If you have a diagnosis, your doctor might be willing to write your school a letter saying that you need to be able to take sensory breaks. That can help make it easier to do this in some situations)

Saying what you need to say to get bullies to back off

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
What do you when “not that kind of person” is the only way you can get someone to take your consent seriously? For example, I once resorted to telling a man I was “not the kind of girl” who had one-night stands because other ways of trying to get him to stop pestering me to sleep with him had failed but he seemed to accept that. I don’t want to perpetuate that there are “types of people” who do/don’t do X, but what if nothing else will make someone leave you alone?
realsocialskills answered:
I think in that situation, you do what you have to do.
That’s not about thinking there are kinds of people in that sense.
It’s about you telling the lies you need to tell in order to get an aggressive bully to leave you alone.
It’s ok to lie to bullies.

When a friend won’t take no for an answer

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Hiya, I often don’t like being touched or having people get very close or breathe on me, I also can’t handle too many people talking at once etc. (I have actually suspected that I have autism for a while now)
But one of my close friends always gets really offended when I ask her to stop touching me or to leave me alone. It’s gotten to the point where she stresses me out so much I try to avoid her all day. What can I do? I enjoy her company sometimes but she really pushes my boundaries…

realsocialskills said:

I think it might help to identify when you enjoy her company. What kind of circumstances is it in, and can you make more of your interaction with her happen in that kind of setting?

Some people are nice to spend time with in some contexts, but don’t treat you well in others.

One way this can play out is that some people respect physical boundaries in environments that suggest them, but not in more open-ended space.

For instance, some people who will touch you if you meet up in their house or yours won’t if you meet in a restaurant and sit on opposite sides of the table.

Some people will respect your physical boundaries if other people are present, but not if you are alone. Or vice versa.

Similarly, if the boundaries she pushes are all or mostly physical, it might be that spending time with her online works better than hanging out with her in person.

It’s also ok if you decide that you’d really rather not spend time with her. Even if you like spending time with her sometimes, it might not be worth it. Most people who do deal-breaking things are also pleasant to be around some of the time. I don’t know what you should do, because I don’t know you or your situation – it’s up to you and how you feel and what you decide.

Getting supervisors to explain things

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Do you have any suggestions for how to ask supervisors and employers to explain something to you in a way that they’ll understand you actually want to know?
Ex: I had an issue at work with a girl using her sister’s employee discount at my register, and I didn’t know they were sisters? They could have been married for all I knew and my manager came over to talk to me about it and when I asked how to find out if a person is allowed to use the discount, she basically just said it was obvious.
realsocialskills said:
Unfortunately, I haven’t found anything that works particularly reliably.
One thing I’ve found is that a lot of people really do have trouble understanding that other people don’t know things they know.
Sometimes, if you are really explicit about the fact that you care but don’t quite understand, they eventually get it.
For instance:
  • Manager: You can’t keep letting her sister use her discount card. She’s done it several times at your register.
  • Employee: How do I tell if a person is allowed to use the discount?
  • Manager: Just don’t let people use it if they’re not allowed to.
  • Employee: I definitely want to make sure I’m following the rules, but I’m actually having a lot of trouble telling who is allowed to use the cards. I thought they might have been married or something. How can I tell?

Sometimes that works. Sometimes it just makes them more annoyed. Sometimes it makes them more annoyed, and then works. Sometimes it backfires. Sometimes you have to back down and let them end the conversation by just letting them say it is obvious.

It’s not super reliable, but it’s more reliable than anything else I know of at getting supervisors to explain things.

Another possibility is to accept that the boss isn’t going to explain it to you, and to ask another employee. Sometimes, peers are willing to believe that you don’t understand something and explain it to you, even if the boss doesn’t.

Learning to argue and stay oriented

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I was conditioned from a really young age to be passive and go along with whatever was happening (mostly because of my dad’s temper. He was never abusive but he was very angry and it was never worth the battle to disagree with him), so now everytime i get into a disagreement or heated discussion with someone I end up crying and choking up to the point that I can’t get a sentence out.
Do you have any advice for being able to argue inspite of this?
realsocialskills said:
A few suggestions:
It might help to communicate more slowly when things aren’t urgent. For instance:
  • Some conversations might be possible for you to have over email, but not in person
  • It’s ok to say “let’s move this conversation to email so I can figure out what I think without melting down”
  • It’s also ok to need to pause the conversation from time to time
  • Needing the conversation to be over for a while doesn’t mean you’ve conceded the point
  • Some things are urgent, but a lot of conversations can be slowed down

Learn to use the word “maybe”:

  • It’s ok not to know what you want
  • It’s ok not to know whether you’re ok with something
  • It’s ok to need time to figure it out
  • “Maybe” is an important word, you don’t always have to say yes or no immediately

It might help not to rely so much on your voice:

  • A lot of people who can’t get words out for various reasons can still type
  • You might find that typing is more reliable than speech for you when a conversation gets emotionally intense
  • An iPad can be really useful for this since it is very portable
  • You can use a text-to-speech app (Verbally is a free one, Proloquo4Text is a dramatically better but also more expensive one),
  • Or you can even type in Notes and show the screen to the person you’re talking to
  • Or sometimes typing the thing first can make it possible to say the thing with your voice.

It might help to make less eye contact:

  • If you’re intimidated, looking at someone’s face can make matters worse
  • If you aren’t looking at their face, it might be easier to think and speak

Asking for more information when someone asks for advice

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
How do you ask someone for more information about a situation – as they’re asking for advice, and you want to give accurate advice because you know you don’t have all the info to give informed advise — without them thinking you’re doubting them or judging them? — This is something I struggle with because I want what I say to be accurate and pertinent but I don’t know how to ask for more information. Any advice?
realsocialskills said:
I think sometimes it can help to say explicitly that you believe them, want to help, and need more information. Eg:
  • “I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I think I need to know a bit more about what’s going on in order to give you good advice. Can you tell me ___?”

Another approach is to ask them more about their needs than about the situation. This isn’t always the right approach, but in some situations it works well, eg:

  • What do you need right now? Are you trying to find a safe place to go? Advice on how to talk to them about the situation? Something else?

Disability pity

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I heard that disabled people dislike getting sympathy, and I had trouble understanding that. But then later I was somewhat disabled, and received some unwanted sympathy, and I found it really horrible. I had a very strong feeling, maybe it could be called humiliation.
So then I understood; but I don’t know how to explain that to people who haven’t experienced it. My theory: people like sympathy if something bad has just happened, but if it’s long-term then it’s normal for them.
realsocialskills said:
I think the main problem is that people offer disabled people sympathy for all the wrong reasons.
They want to tell us that our bodies are awful, and sympathize with what they imagine it must be like to be in such an awful body. There’s not a lot of respect there. Or willingness to listen to what we actually experience or how we actually see things.
People like that want to offer sympathy that it’s hard to understand without captions, but no sympathy for how frustrating it is that no one ever provides them. They want to offer sympathy for people’s inability to walk up stairs, but no sympathy for how awful it is that people decide not to build ramps. They want to offer sympathy that someone is dying for disability-related reasons, but no sympathy for the fact that they are being denied treatment by ableist doctors.
People with disabilities are, first and foremost, people. And people who ooze sympathy are not interested in recognizing that.