Real Social Skills

When you’re talking a lot and worried about how much space you are taking up

April 13, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Do you have any advice for how to facilitate participation when you’re a student who does tend to talk a lot?

I have social anxiety but when it doesn’t affect me as badly I tend to talk a lot. I’ve tried waiting for others to speak but they often don’t even if I wait 30+ seconds… And then I feel an intense urge to fill the space.

realsocialskills said:

A couple of things:

It might be ok if you’re talking more than some other students. Very few classes have everyone talking an exactly equal amount.

Different students have different preferences about how much they like to talk in class. It’s ok that some students prefer to talk more and some students prefer to talk less. It’s not always a problem. It becomes a problem if some students are taking up space in a way that prevents others from participating.

I’m not sure how to tell whether you are taking up space in a problematic way. One way might be to ask your teacher after class or in office hours if they think it’s becoming a problem. (If they do think it’s a problem, they’ll probably be glad you asked and that you care.)

Another way might be to watch whether you’re interrupting people. And if you are interrupting people, whether or not they’re shut down by your interruptions. If you’re interrupting people and that’s resulting in them not getting to make their points, that’s a problem. (Interrupting isn’t always a problem – in some cultures it’s normal and expected for people to respectfully interrupt one another and be respectfully interrupted in turn. If the class you’re in doesn’t have that culture, it’s important to be careful about interrupting.)

Here’s one strategy that might work for coping with silences without interjecting to fill them (this can also work for overcoming urges to interrupt people).

Typing or writing out what you’re having an urge to say:

If you type or write the reply you have an urge to make, it can calm the urge without you having to say anything
While you’re doing this, someone else may start talking
Then, if you still want to say the thing, you can take a turn and say it
If you don’t want to say a specific thing but are just feeling uncomfortable, typing/writing about how uncomfortable you are might work to fill the space until someone else starts talking (This works for me sometimes; it seriously backfires for other people. Your milage may vary; trust your own judgment about whether it will be helpful or harmful to you).
This can work even in a seminar class when not everyone is taking notes
(It may be more socially accepted in that context to use an iPad than a laptop, because you’re significantly less likely to be perceived as goofing off on Facebook with an iPad)

Short version: Talking more than some other students in a class isn’t always a problem in itself. It’s a problem if the way or the amount you talk prevents others from participating. Typing out stuff you’re thinking of saying before you say it can make it easier to refrain from interrupting people and from rushing to fill silences.

Autism is a disability

April 7, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

You know, I follow this blog because I think it’s cool and although I don’t really read your advice posts, I can see they’re very respectful and well thought out. That aside, I want to ask: how do you feel about labeling autism as a disability?

realsocialskills said:

I feel very strongly that it is important to refer to autism as a disability. It’s not just a difference; it’s a particular kind of difference, and that kind of difference is called disability.

There are all kinds of things that most people take for granted that autistic people can’t do, or struggle with, or can only do intermittently. Autistic people face ableist discrimination in response to not being able to do those things, or being perceived as not being able to do those things.

We have all of that in common with people with any other kind of disability. Acknowledging that allows us to learn from and collaborate with one another. Denying that we’re disabled just isolates us.

I think that every single thing I’ve written about autism has been reblogged by someone with another kind of disability saying “I can relate to this too”. As a result, my writing has become increasingly cross-disability. We have a lot in common.

If we try to separate ourselves from other disabled people, we lose a lot. Overlapping disability communities have a lot in common, and a lot of built up tools for dealing with disability, dealing with discrimination, and supporting one another. If we admit that we’re disabled, we can be part of that. If we don’t, everything gets a lot harder.

Short version: I think that autism is a disability and that admitting that makes life a lot better for autistic people.

Stress makes everything harder

April 6, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

Autistic people are autistic all the time. Sometimes some difficulties fade into the background, then come back out again when someone is particularly stressed out. This is true across the board for sensory issues, communication issues, movement, and all kinds of other things. (This is also true for people with any other kind of disability).

The intermittent nature of some apparent difficulties can sometimes lead to them being misinterpreted as psychosomatic. They’re not. Everyone, autistic or not, has more trouble doing things that are hard for them when they’re experiencing significant stress. Some things are particularly hard for autistic people, and those things also get harder with stress.

This is how it actually works:

Doing the thing always takes a lot of effort
Putting in all that effort has become second nature
When you’re not exceptionally stressed, you might not notice the effort it takes consciously
When you *are* really stressed, you don’t have energy to do the thing in the ways you normally can
So you end up having more trouble than usual, and probably looking a lot more conspicuously disabled than usual

For instance, with motor issues:

For those of us with motor difficulties, moving smoothly and accurately takes more effort than it does for most people
This can become second nature, to the point that we don’t consciously notice how difficult it is
But it’s still there
And when you’re really stressed or overwhelmed, you may not have the energy to make yourself move accurately
So things you can normally do (eg: handwriting, not walking into walls, picking up objects, pouring water) might become awkward or impossible
That doesn’t mean you’re faking or somehow doing it on purpose
It just means that things are harder when you’re stressed

Or with sensory issues:

Living with sensory sensitivities means that a lot of things hurt
For the sake of doing things anyway, a lot of us build up a high pain tolerance
To the point that we may no longer consciously process things as pain even though they hurt
Ignoring pain takes a lot of energy
When we’re really stressed, we may not have the energy to ignore pain
And things we normally tolerate can be experienced as overloading or intolerably painful
That doesn’t mean we’re faking the pain to avoid something stressful, or that we’re somehow bringing it on ourselves.
It just means that everything is harder under stress, including tolerating pain

Or with communication:

Communication can be hard for a lot of us in varying ways
For some of us, being able to speak requires juggling a lot of things that are automatic for most people
Or being able to use words at all, including typing
For some of us, that’s true of understanding people when they talk to us
Or of knowing what words are at all
If someone can’t talk, understand or use words under stress, it doesn’t mean that they’re somehow faking it to avoid a difficult situation
It means that communication is hard, and stress makes everything harder

Short version: Stress makes everything harder. For people with disabilities, that includes disability-related things, including things that we don’t normally seem to have trouble with. Sometimes we’re wrongly assumed to be doing on purpose or faking to avoid a difficult situation; it should actually be seen as an involuntary, normal, and expected physiological response to stress.

“Attention seeking behaviors”

April 3, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Autistic people and other people with cognitive disabilities are often interpreted as doing things for attention, whether or not that explanation is plausible.

For example:

Alice is autistic. She flaps her hands.
Hand flapping is part of Alice’s body language. She moves her hands to express a large range of thoughts and feelings, just like some people move their facial muscles to express a broad range of thoughts and feelings
Alice also sometimes flaps her hands to calm down when she is overloaded
Bernice is a behaviorist. She is distressed about the fact that Alice flaps her hands.
Whenever Alice flaps her hands, Bernice stares at her, and pays intense attention to the fact that she is flapping her hands
Bernice notices that every time Alice flaps her hands, Bernice pays attention to her
Bernice concludes that her attention is reinforcing Alice’s flapping behavior
Bernice concludes that Alice’s hand flapping is an attention-seeking behavior
Bernice puts Alice on a behavior plan based on ignoring her whenever she flaps her hands

Behaviorists and others make this mistake a lot. They very, very frequently assume that the fact that they are paying attention to something means that it is being done to get their attention. It doesn’t. It just means they’re paying attention.

Starting at someone whenever they do something doesn’t mean that they’re doing it because they like being stared at. It just means that you’re staring at them.

Short version: Stop calling everything attention seeking behavior. The fact that you’re paying attention to something doesn’t mean that someone is doing it because they want your attention. Not everything a person who has a developmental disability does is about you.

When a seder is overloading

April 1, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked this question about Passover:

How do you deal with sensory overload in a situation where you can’t leave?

realsocialskills said:

Based on context, I think you’re probably asking about being overloaded at a large noisy seder.

There might be more options for leaving and taking a break than you might realize. I’m going to discuss those, then some thoughts on how to deal with it if leaving isn’t an option.

Some options for taking breaks:

Helping in the kitchen

At seders, there are often (not always) things going on in the kitchen that people would welcome help with
If you find doing stuff in the kitchen less overloading than being at the table, excusing yourself to go help might be a socially acceptable way to take a break
Some examples of things people might welcome help with:
Cutting vegetables
Serving soup
Bringing out other things
Washing dishes

Playing with the kids:

At a lot of seders, there are little kids who kind of run in and out
If these are kids you know, or they’re related to you, it may be socially acceptable for you to take breaks and play with the kids
This depends on the culture of your family or community; it’s fairly common for it to be socially acceptable, but it’s not universal

Pretending you have to go to the bathroom:

At a long seder, most people will excuse themselves to use the bathroom at least once
If you take a break for about that amount of time, that’s what people will assume you were doing
(You can also actually go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to use it – bathrooms can sometimes be a good place to take a break from sensory overload since people will usually leave you alone for a few minutes if you’re in the bathroom)

Options if you can’t take breaks or taking breaks doesn’t help enough:

Get oriented:

Sometimes sensory overload is caused as much by disorientation as by sensations
One way to become more oriented is to think through in advance what’s likely to happen
If you feel like stuff is more predictable, it’s likely to be less overwhelming and sensory stuff might be easier to manage
If this is a seder you’ve been to before, it might help think about what usually happens. Who will be there? How do they usually act? Who will ask the four questions?
It also might be a good idea to look through the hagaddah. Here’s one online.
If you’re feeling overloaded during the seder, it’s worth considering the possibility that you have become disoriented
If you look through the haggadah, figure out where you are in the seder, and how much is left, it might help you to become more oriented and less overloaded
It may also help to use a visual schedule, which shows you at a glance what to expect and in what order. Here’s one you can print, organized by cup.

Using solid objects to ground yourself:

If you’ve become really overloaded or disoriented, sometimes grabbing hold of something solid can help a lot
If you’re at a seder, the most readily available solid thing is likely to be the table
If there’s someone present you trust who is ok with it, holding someone’s hand can help a lot too in ramping down overload

Sit in a less overloading place in the room:

Sitting on the edge of the room is likely to be less overloading than sitting in the middle
Sitting on the end or near the end of a table is likely to be less overloading than sitting between several people
Sitting near the door is likely to be less overloading (especially if you get overloaded from feeling trapped)
If there are florescent lights in the room, it helps to pay attention to whether one of them is flickering
If you’re already overwhelmed going into the room, you might not notice right away, even though it will bother you later. If flickering lights bother you, it’s worth making a point of checking to see if the light is flickering when you decide where to sit
If the room is likely to be very loud, you might be more comfortable if you use ear plugs. You can get disposable ones for cheap at a pharmacy

Stimming:

Some people can stop overload by moving in certain ways
Most people can at least mitigate it a little
Rocking back and forth can help a lot (and it’s not that weird in a lot of Jewish settings, particularly if there are a lot of religious people present.)
If you have stim toys that usually work for you, it might be a good idea to bring them
If you’re worried about stigma, it might work better to use different things
(That said, if a room is crowded and noisy and overloading, it’s very likely that no one is actually looking at you)
If you wear rings or bracelets, you can play with them
You can also play with the silverware if the seder isn’t extremely formal. You probably won’t be the only one.
You can also stim with the haggadah. (by holding it in your hands, flipping the pages, looking through it, or even reading it.)
If you have a water bottle with a stem you can chew the stem
(You can also eat stuff as a way of getting to chew to reduce overload. If you do that with stuff like celery rather than stuff like chicken it’s less likely to make you uncomfortably full)
You might be able to bring seder-themed stim toys to use, particularly if you bring enough to share. (For instance, if you bring out plastic frogs for the ten plagues, probably no one will think twice about you continuing to play with them)

Participating actively also might help to handle overload:

Sometimes it can be less overloading to participate in something than to be passively present while something is happening
This isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for a lot of people
For instance, if people are singing loud songs and it’s overloading, you might be more physically comfortable if you sing the songs too
(This doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for some people)
If it’s a big seder and people are going on and on and you’re overloaded, ignoring what’s going on and reading the haggadah might work. (In that setting, you’re probably not going to be the only one doing that.)
Asking questions and arguing might be less overloading than being in the room while other people are doing that

Talking to people might also be an option:

If social anxiety is contributing to overload, having successful conversations might help
Here’s a post about how to have conversations at family gatherings (which is broadly applicable for other settings too)
Here’s a post about how to deal with people who pick fights (post was written for someone who asked about Christmas; it’s also applicable to any holiday gathering)
If you’re a student and you’re going to a communal seder at a college, this post on identifying common interests among students might help

Short version: Passover seders can be really overloading. Scroll up for some ideas about how to deal with that.

Meanness can conceal bad arguments

March 27, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people use being mean to sound right. (Intentionally or unintentionally).

When you’re afraid of someone, it can feel dangerous to disagree with them. (Sometimes the danger is real, sometimes it isn’t.)

If you’re afraid to disagree with someone, you might find yourself coming up with a lot of arguments in favor of their position, and feeling like they’re more credible than they really are.

It can be worth noticing you’re afraid, and thinking through whether you’d still agree with them if you weren’t afraid.

For instance:

Susan (in a mean, not-quite yelling tone): Implausible hounds are real! I can’t believe anyone thinks they’re not. I’m glad all my friends get it.
Susan’s friend Bob isn’t sure whether or not implausible hounds exist, but doesn’t want to get yelled at, doesn’t want Susan to stop respecting him, and doesn’t want to be a bad friend
So Bob might ignore his doubts about implausible hounds and try to convince himself that they definitely exist by ignoring all the arguments he can think of that implausible hounds are implausible.

This can happen subconsciously, so it’s worth trying to notice when it’s happening:

If someone is saying something forcefully
And you find yourself agreeing
And you feel really bad about agreeing
Or you feel really bad about doubting them
It’s worth asking yourself whether you’re agreeing out of fear, and whether you’d agree with them if you weren’t afraid

This can happen for other reasons; sometimes learning a new thing can feel bad (eg: if you realize you were being a jerk). It’s worth considering whether you’re agreeing out of fear, and also worth being open to the possibility that you’re agreeing because you’re actually convinced. It always takes thought to figure out which it is.

Short version: When people are mean or scary; it can make their arguments seem better than they really are. If you’re afraid, feeling awful after agreeing with something, or feeling awful about doubting someone, it’s a sign that you might be agreeing out of fear rather than having been persuaded. When that happens, it’s worth pausing to think through things and figure out whether you’re agreeing out of fear, or agreeing because you’ve actually been persuaded.

If you compulsively correct people…

March 21, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I had a bad childhood habit of correcting everything. I now realize how awful that is but still do it on reflex occasionally. Do you have any tips on how to stop that reflex? (It’s out of my mouth before I even think and it has (rightfully) made some people not huge fans of me)

realsocialskills said:

I think one thing you can do is apologize immediately.

eg:

Them: So, enormous hounds are the largest dogs in the world. I literally want one more than anything.
You: You mean figuratively. Literally would mean you’d trade your house for an enormous hound.
You: Wait, that was an obnoxious thing to say. I’m sorry. What were you saying about enormous hounds?

In some contexts, you can filter by writing, eg:

If you’re in a discussion group or a class, it can help to have your computer or a notebook out
And, when someone says something wrong, write down the correction instead of saying it
Then, if the correction still seems important enough to say, you can say it
(It’s not always wrong to correct people.)

Sometimes it’s better to correct stuff later rather than in the moment:

People don’t usually like immediate feedback very much
Especially if they’re feeling insecure about how well they’re doing (which most people are to some extent sometimes, even if they’re really confident)
People can be more receptive later, especially if you are respectful and and constructive about it
And if you also point out stuff you think they’re doing right sometimes
If you only ever say negative things, you’re likely to be perceived as “that guy who is always watching for me to slip up so they have something to correct”
If you listen for things to admire as well as things to criticize, it’s a lot more likely that you’ll be perceived as “that guy who listens and responds in valuable ways”.

Short version: Not everything needs to be corrected. If you have a bad habit of compulsively correcting people, it’s good to get into the habit of apologizing and actively listening. It can also help to write before speaking in group discussions. Some feedback is best given after the fact. If you only ever give critical feedback, it will annoy people. It’s important to look for things to admire and praise as well.

Remembering to ask questions

March 18, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some phrases in academic argument are used to assert that an argument has been successfully been made. If someone’s really good at using them, it can make their arguments feel better than they actually are.

One countermeasure is to learn what those phrases are, and to use them as indications that it’s time to check to see if you agree with their argument.

A few examples of phrases that often work this way:

“It is clear that…”
“We have seen..“
“Now it is evident..”
“It has been demonstrated…”
“It follows from…”
“It goes without saying that…”

If you get into the habit of reading things like this as questions, it becomes much easier to tell what you think the answer is.

eg:

Do you think it’s clear?
Have you seen the point being made? Do you agree with it?
Do you think it’s evident from the evidence the author brought?
Do you think it has been demonstrated?
Do you think it follows from that?
Do you think it goes without saying? Do you think it’s true at all?

Short version: Some rhetorical devices make arguments feel better than they are. Getting into the habit of seeing them as indications that it’s time to ask a question makes it easier to evaluate arguments on their merits.