Real Social Skills

A rude thing that people do to wheelchair and mobility scooter users

May 14, 2014June 11, 2021 Real Social Skills

So, here’s a thing that happens a lot:

Someone rides a wheelchair or mobility scooter into a room that has many chairs in it
They want to sit on one of those chairs.
Several people, trying to be helpful, dart in to remove the very chair they wanted to sit on

This is very annoying.

Especially when it happens several times a week
Especially when the people who dart in to remove the chairs are very proud of themselves for Helping The Disabled
Even more so if they don’t understand “actually, I want to sit in that chair”, and keep removing it anyway
Even more so if the person has to physically grab the chair they want to sit on to prevent it from being removed
(And sometimes people react badly to being corrected and become aggressive or condescending)

Do not do this annoying thing.

Instead, find out what the person you want to be helpful to actually wants
People who use mobility equipment are not actually glued to it
And different people have different preferences about where they want to sit
You can’t know without asking them
(You can’t read their mind, Some people seem to think that mobility equipment transmits a telepathic call for help regardless of the person’s actual apparent interest in help. Those people are wrong. You have to actually ask)
You can’t know where someone wants to sit unless you ask, so ask
One way you can ask is “Would you like me to move anything?”

If you forget to ask, and make the wrong assumption:

Recognize that you have been rude
And apologize, and say “Oh, excuse me” or “Sorry. I’ll put it back.”
This is the same kind of rude as, say, accidentally cutting in line
Or being careless and bumping into someone
This is not a big-deal apology, it’s basically just acknowledging that you made a rude mistake
People make and acknowledge rude mistakes all the time with nondisabled folks
The same people who say “excuse me” when they bump into a nondisabled person, are often completely silent when they do something rude related to someone’s disability
Being on the receiving end of a lot of unacknowledged rudeness is degrading and draining. Particularly when you see that the same people who are rude to you without apologizing say “sorry” and “excuse me” to people without disabilities they interact with
Do not be part of this problem
When you are inadvertently rude to someone who has a disability, it’s important to acknowledge and apologize for it in the same way you would for any other inadvertent interpersonal rudeness

More on therapy referrals

May 13, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

whirling-ghost replied to your post “About making therapy referrals”

Make sure it’s the appropriate type too. Like I got referred for group, despite the fact I was terrified of being in a room with people I didn’t know. Obviously that wasn’t going to work

realsocialskills said:

Yes, this too. Therapy isn’t just one thing. It’s a lot of different things. It also matters who is involved; therapists are not interchangeable. Even when someone unquestionably needs therapy, the wrong therapist can still make matters worse.

Generically telling someone “get therapy” is not likely to be a helpful suggestion. Everyone knows that therapy exists; everyone will have had others tell them to get therapy.

A useful referral has to be more specific and based on something. It also needs to involve respecting the person you’re working with, listening to what they think of your suggestion, and recognizing it as their decision.

Eg:

“It sounds like you’re struggling with your sexual identity. I know a therapist who has a good track record of helping men think through that. Would you like their name?”
“Some people who find that talk therapy doesn’t help them have found that CBT does, since it is concrete and based on learning skills and changing your thinking. What do you think about trying that?”
“A lot of students who have come to me with similar problems around finals have found the counseling center helpful. Is that something you feel comfortable trying?”
“It’s hard to go through that kind of loss when none of your friends can relate; I think that peer support might help you. There’s a grief support group; would you like to try that?”
“The problems you’re describing are often caused by clinical depression, which is often treatable. I think it might be a good idea to get evaluated in case that’s the problem. There is a doctor we recommend who is respectful and listens to patients. What do you think about that?”

About making therapy referrals

May 12, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Content note: Today’s post is primarily directed at people who make therapy referrals and recommend therapy as part of their job (social workers, doctors, ministers, rabbis, school counselors, etc). This post is specifically about something that goes wrong when people make therapy referrals for the wrong reasons. If you haven’t been in a position to recommend therapy from a place of authority over someone you have a responsibility to help, this post might not make a lot of sense.

There’s something that can go wrong in therapy referrals. This is a thing that happens:

A social worker, doctor, teacher, clergyperson, chaplain or someone in a similar role is faced with someone suffering really serious problems
They don’t know how to help with most of them
And they are afraid of the magnitude of this person’s problems, and need to set a boundary to avoid becoming responsible for managing them
And, so, they default to making a therapy referral, as a way to assert boundaries and feel that they have done all that they could
Therapy referrals are often appropriate, but sometimes people make therapy referrals even when they are not appropriate as a way of asserting a boundary

This is how therapy referrals ought to work:

You assess that a person you’re working with might benefit from therapy
You make this suggestion to them, and you say why
You suggest specific therapists you think might work well with them
And you assume that they are the ones who should be making this decision
And therapy is one decision/referral among many; it might be the solution to finding space to work on emotions and relationships, but it doesn’t replace the need to find food stamps or medical insurance or housing or proper diagnosis of a medical condition

This is how therapy referrals often do work:

You assess that someone has problems that are much, much bigger than you can handle
You want to assert a boundary so the full brunt of their struggles do not become your problem
You don’t actually want to say flat-out to a person who is suffering that you’re not going to help them
So, you tell them that they should get therapy, and make that referral as a way to gracefully assert a boundary without having to say outright that you’re not going to help them even though you know they need help
Don’t do this. It isn’t good for anyone, including people who really need therapy.
Be honest about boundaries you’re asserting, and make sure that any referrals you are making are appropriate
Therapy referrals are for the client, not for you

It’s important that, when you make therapy referrals, you’re making them to meet the needs of the person you’re working with, not your own needs

You have to have boundaries in order to do your work. That means that you will be routinely faced with suffering people who you won’t be able to help
That’s awful, but it’s something you have to face and be honest about
There will be people you can’t help with most of what they need, and people who can benefit from therapy. These are overlapping, but not identical categories.
Recommending therapy to people who can’t benefit from it can sometimes just be a dishonestly comfortable way of saying “I’m not going to help you, and I’ want you to feel good about my refusal”
Whether or not someone should get therapy is a separate issue from whether or not you can or should try to help them yourself
Some people who you can’t help should go to therapy instead (eg: someone whose primary problem is probably treatable depression or learning certain classes of things about relationship dynamics)
Some people who you can help in some ways also ought to go to therapy (eg: someone who comes to you for prayer might need prayer, Bible study *and* a therapy referral)
Some people you can’t help should not go to therapy (eg: a gay person whose primary issues have to do with their coming out process who lives somewhere where all available therapists are homophobic probably should not go to therapy; that doesn’t mean that you are going to be able to help them through that in your role as a crisis center intake social worker)
Some people who ought to get therapy also need other help, and that might be the more pressing issue. Don’t imply that therapy is the solution to a broader range of things than it actually is. (eg: therapy might help a homeless person deal with their emotional issues, but it doesn’t provide housing; don’t use your therapy referral script as a way to avoid telling them that you aren’t offering help with housing)
Therapy is an important tool, but it’s not magic. Don’t treat it as universally important, or as the solution to all problems that you don’t know how to or can’t solve.

Short version: when you’re recommending therapy to someone, make sure that it is an appropriate referral and that it’s about meeting their need for care rather than your need for boundaries. To that end, make sure that making a therapy referral isn’t the only way you can assert a boundary; develop other ways to say no respectfully.

You can’t fix someone’s perspective

May 11, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hey there. So, I’m wondering how I can help my sister with her self esteem. She’s very beautiful, and it’s been made clear to her by many that she is, but at the end of the day she thinks herself ugly.

I get really frustrated and angry with her sometimes when she does this– it’s so clear that she’s lovely, everyone knows, and it’s obvious she is. I just don’t know what to do. I want her to see how great she is, without hurting her.

realsocialskills said:

It’s hard for me to tell from your message how your sister sees herself. You’re saying that she sees herself as ugly, and you see her as beautiful. You also say that she has low self esteem, and you want her to see how great she is. I’m wondering if maybe you’re conflating issues that seem the same to you, but which seem very different to your sister.

Sometimes people who have tremendous respect for themselves as people feel ugly. Sometimes amazing, wonderful people really *are* very unattractive by conventional standards. And for some people, it’s really powerful to come to the conclusion that don’t need to be beautiful to be ok. I don’t know how the world looks to your sister, and I don’t know what she’s struggling with. But it may well be that trying to see herself as beautiful is not what’s right for your sister at this point. And really, she’s the only one who know that; you can’t tell from the outside; you can only guess.

Your sister may be struggling tremendously with her self esteem, she may be struggling to feel worthy. But it’s her struggle – you can’t do it for her, and you can’t make her do it faster. This is something she has to figure out for herself.

It’s hard to see someone you love struggle, particularly when you think you know what would solve things, if only they would listen to you. Taking over really doesn’t help though, particularly when someone’s main problem is that they don’t respect themself enough. You can’t give someone self-respect by trying to force them to override their own judgment in favor of yours, as tempting as it might seem.

You can’t take over or direct your sister’s path to self-acceptance and self-respect, but you can support her in powerful ways. The best thing you can do for your sister is to respect the way she feels about herself now and stop trying change her.

You can’t make your sister think that she’s great. You can’t make her think that she’s beautiful.

What you can do is acknowledge that she feels ugly, and show her respect and love as she feels this way. What you can do is be with her anyway, and show her that feeling ugly will not make you abandon her.

Don’t get angry or upset at her for not feeling good about herself. That is counterproductive. If you express exasperation with her over this, it ends up sounding like “I want you to like yourself NOW NOW NOW you’re beautiful”, which on the receiving end can be heard as “I hate you for not loving yourself more”. That is the opposite of the message you’re trying to send.

I think the best thing you can do for your sister right now is accept that, right now, she doesn’t feel great about herself. Your sister’s poor self image is not an inditement of you. It’s not your job to fix it – but you can be there for her while she figures things out, on her own timeline.

You can’t try to change your sister’s self-image without hurting her. What you can do is show her the love and respect that you wish she’d show herself.

Making phone calls

May 6, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

youratheistfriend asked:

Do you have any tips on how to make important phone calls when you need to but it’s difficult? I always end up getting myself all panicked about them and sometimes consequently unable to make them, but I can’t not worry about them because then I’ll put it off too long or forget about it. Thank you so much for having this blog, by the way, it’s amazing.

realsocialskills said:

I’m not great at making phone calls, but I’ve gotten a bit better in recent months.

I use my computer for cognitive support in making calls. Whenever I make a call, I usually do three things:

Take out my computer and write a plan for the call
Make the call
Keep my computer at hand so I can take notes

Here is how I use my computer before the call:

I write out notes for what I need to say
Sometimes I write a script, and sometimes I just write bullet points for topics I need to hit or questions I need to ask
If there’s a possibility that I will need to leave a message, then I write out a script for the message.
(One of the worst parts of phone calls for me has been worrying about what will happen if I have to leave a message, so writing out exactly what to say helps a lot. It makes the thought of leaving a message more bearable, and less of a barrier to making calls)
There’s a thread about phone messages here here.

Here’s how I use my computer during the call:

I type notes on things that sound important
Or that I think I might not understand
And if I’m not sure I understand something, sometimes I type out the question I want to ask before I ask it (It can be hard for me to use my voice to generate questions in real-time)
Writing out notes is considered normal; writing out questions is not
But if you say you need to write something down, people won’t know which it is. So if you need to type things out in order to form a question, you can say “Let me write that down” or “hold on a minute”, and then actually just type the question then ask it

I’ve found that, now that I have strategies in place for managing phone calls a bit better cognitively, I procrastinate slightly less. It’s still not great, though.

Sometimes I also have someone sit with me while I make the call, or tell me to make the call. Like, I will ask a friend “So, I should call x now, right?” and they will say “Yes, go do it”, and that will get me unstuck.

High school graduation when high school was awful

May 1, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

My daughter graduates from high school in a month. She has Aspergers and had many challenges but managed to do well academically. However, she didn’t feel that the school dealt well with her. She is happy to close the door on that part of her life and wants to do it without ceremony. I get it. My husband and I would like to see her walk at graduation but are willing to accept her not attending the ceremony. However, she has said she will go if we ask her to. Should we ask or leave it alone?

realsocialskills said:

I think that the graduation ceremony probably has a very different symbolic meaning for you than it does for your daughter.

I think that, for you, it is probably like this:

As her parents, you are very proud of her accomplishment in doing well in high school in a difficult situation
You want to celebrate that
For you, seeing her walk at graduation is a profound symbol of what she has accomplished and how proud you are of her

I think for her, it is probably like this:

High school was a bad experience for her
Going to graduation feels like a celebration of the school and her relationship with the school
She doesn’t feel that the school treated her well, so she doesn’t want to celebrate with the school

If I’m reading the situation and the symbolic meanings it’s taking for all of you correctly, I don’t think that it is a good idea to ask your daughter to go to the ceremony for your sake. I don’t think that it’s good to push her into something that, for her, feels like celebrating people treating her badly.

But, deciding not to go to the graduation ceremony doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate your daughter’s accomplishments. You can likely find a form of celebration that would suit all of you, for instance:

Having a graduation party for your daughter and her friends
Having a family dinner at a restaurant your daughter likes
Buying a symbolic present (eg: something related to your daughter’s interests, or something she will use in the next phase of her life)
Taking a trip together
Baking a cake
Writing a story or a poem
Or however else your family celebrates milestones

“You’re ok, they’re mean.”

April 30, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

You’re ok. They’re mean.

Dave Hingsburger, “The Are Word: helping individuals with intellectual disabilities deal with bullying and teasing”

And also he explains it in this blog post: I’m ok, I have it on good authority

Mel Baggs added:

He also taught it at a self-advocacy conference. He had us role-play bullying over and over while yelling “I’m okay – you’re mean!” It really works. It is the first thing anyone ever taught me about bullying that ever, ever worked. Because “ignore it” won’t work. But this does. It teaches you to rethink what’s happening, rather than just “ignore it” and expect it to go away. I use this all the time. It is the only cognitive tool about bullying that has ever made a difference to me.

My reply:

I would love to go to that training. Just reading it described in the book has helped me a lot. It’s *amazing* how much “I’m ok, you’re mean” helps. It’s gotten me through a lot of horrible things in the three or so months since I’ve learned it.

Most people teach us to be non-judgmental in the face of bullying, when in fact judging bullies is literally the *only* thing that ever helps make it bearable.

“You have so much potential!” (an addition by Mel Baggs)

April 28, 2014June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Mel Baggs added to the post “You have so much potential!”:

Any disabled person, especially a cognitively disabled person, with any history at all of being considered gifted, ever in their life, probably has their own, really horrible, relationship with this idea of ‘potential’.

realsocialskills said:

Yes, that too. Phrases associated with that:

“You’re too smart to waste your potential like this”
“You must just be bored because the work is too easy”
“Your gifts aren’t for you; they’re for the whole world” in response to being unable to function in the ways you expected to function
“The kids who are teasing you today are only on top in high school. Once you get into the working world, you’ll be in charge. They’re just jealous because they know that.”
“School is hard on smart kids, but college will be much better if you just stick it out so that you can get there.”
“You’re not applying yourself”