boundaries – Page 2 – Real Social Skills

Facing other people’s pain

October 28, 2015June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes, it’s very hard for people to acknowledge other people’s suffering.

It sometimes follows this kind of pattern (I picked arbitrary names to make it easier to read):

Sam is suffering in some major way
Otto finds this incredibly painful to witness
Otto can’t fix the problem that is causing Sam pain
Otto pressures Sam into reassuring him by pretending that he’s feeling ok and it’s not so bad
This allows Otto to ignore what’s going on, and to not have to be upset about Sam’s pain anymore
Sam’s situation gets worse, but Otto gets to feel better

It’s easy to fall into treating someone this way without realizing it, especially if you’re in a helping profession. If your identity is centered around being helpful to others, it can be very painful to acknowledge important things you can’t fix. It’s still really important to acknowledge them, because otherwise you end up hurting people. It’s really important to develop emotional coping skills to be able to acknowledge pain that you can’t fix.

If other people are doing this to you, it can sometimes be disorienting, especially when the people who do it are otherwise genuinely helpful. It’s really degrading when others pressure you to pretend to be ok so that they can feel better. Sometimes, this is hard to detect clearly. Sometimes, people are making it much better than it’s ever been — and you’re genuinely grateful for that — but at the same time, it’s still pretty awful, and they want you to convince them that everything is wonderful.

Most people experience both sides of this dynamic at some point in their life. Whichever side of it you’re on, it helps to remember that it’s a thing, and that it’s not ok. People shouldn’t pressure others to pretend they’re ok when they’re not.

Physical boundaries and social distance

September 8, 2015June 9, 2021 Real Social Skills

Boundaries kind of gets used as a buzzword. So I’m writing some posts about how I understand boundaries. This post is mostly about physical boundaries.

What I mean by boundaries is that people have things that are completely theirs, physically and emotionally. It’s important to respect what belongs to someone else, and not treat it like it’s yours. This is especially true of someone else’s body, their personal space, their thoughts, and their feelings. Respecting physical and emotional boundaries is part of respecting other people’s humanity.

People have the right to control what happens to their body. If someone doesn’t want you to touch them, it’s important not to, even if you really want to. And it’s important not to put pressure on them to change their mind. And that’s true whether or not your intentions are sexual. Platonic boundary violations are still boundary violations.

(This is slightly more complicated than it sounds. For instance, it’s usually considered insulting to refuse to shake hands with someone unless you have a really compelling reason not to (eg: if it’s physically dangerous). I will write more about nuances in the future. But on a basic level, this is how bodies and boundaries work. And, even if someone is being unreasonable, it’s still important to not touch them against their will.)

Some things that are not technically someone’s body follow similar principles. Clothing and jewelry that someone is wearing are like their body in this way. So are purses and wallets. Mobility and adaptive equipment (eg: a wheelchair or communication device) is *especially* like someone’s body. This is true even if someone isn’t touching their equipment (eg: if someone’s not sitting in their wheelchair right now, it’s still like part of their body and you still shouldn’t touch it unless they want you to).

Personal space is also like someone’s body. Getting too close to someone is like touching them without permission. Personal space is a bit hard to define, because it depends a lot on context and culture. For instance, it’s ok to stand closer to people in an elevator than in an empty hallway. It’s a kind of thing where you have to develop your judgement. (To an extent by trial and error; watching what other people are doing can also be helpful.)

When people are uncomfortable with how close you are to them, they are usually more likely to communicate this with body language than with words. If you’re interacting with someone and they look uncomfortable, it’s worth considering whether you might be standing or sitting too close. If you think you might be, it’s worth trying giving them a bit more space and seeing what happens.

Sometimes when people are uncomfortable with how close you’re standing or sitting, they try to fix this by moving away to a distance they feel comfortable with. If someone does this, it’s good to err on the side of assuming it’s intentional. (Particularly if they move further away more than once.) If you repeatedly get closer to someone when they’re trying to create more distance, they’re likely to regard it as a threat. From their perspective, they’re saying no and you’re doing it anyway.

It can be hard to learn to understand social distance, especially if you have trouble understanding body language. It’s also both possible and important.

Short version: It’s important to respect boundaries. One important boundary is a person’s right to control what happens to their body. An important part of this is to not touch people who don’t want to be touched. Some things a person might have are similar to their body. Standing too close to people is similar to touching them. Scroll up for more about how to tell where the lines are.

Trauma doesn’t make you any less of a person

July 21, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some people are really creepy about survivors. (Or people who they perceive as survivors, often inaccurately.)

They treat trauma like permission. Like it gives them the right to boundless authority over you.

They see you as broken, and they think that means they’re entitled to fix you.

They act like you don’t know yourself, can’t know yourself, and shouldn’t think for yourself.

(And they may repeatedly trigger you on purpose in an effort to make you feel disoriented enough to believe them.)

They think that every opinion they have about you is the insight that will heal you. They think that you are somehow obligated to accept uncritically any purported wisdom they decide to bestow upon you.

They think that their love can heal you. They act like their desire to heal you with love means you’re somehow obligated to gratefully accept whatever expression of love they want to bestow upon you.

They act like their perspective should replace yours. They act like their desire to help you somehow obligates you to agree with everything they think.

They act like you’ll be better if you let them take over emotionally. Like you somehow can’t be trusted with feelings. Like you shouldn’t have feeling of your own anymore. Like you should have theirs instead.

People shouldn’t do this to you. It’s wrong, it’s creepy, and you don’t have to cooperate with it.

You are a person. You are allowed to have your own feelings. You are allowed to think for yourself.

You are allowed to decide who, if anyone, you want to be emotionally intimate with. You are allowed to decide whose advice you want. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to disagree with people, even if they mean well and want to help. You are allowed to make choices about what help, if any, you want to accept, and who, if anyone, you want to accept it from.

You are you. You are allowed to be you. And nothing that happened to you gives others the right to try to turn you into someone else.

Knowing what you think – tools for thinking for yourself

July 6, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

When I’m around people who disagree with me, I have trouble remembering that my own thoughts and opinions are valid, and I start thinking I must be wrong about whatever they disagree with me about.

Do you know any ways of getting more confident about disagreeing with people?

realsocialskills said:

To an extent, it’s a matter of practice.

Learning to distinguish between what you think and what others think depends on a few different skills. Some of them will likely take time and practice to acquire.

Some thought about what to work on:

It can help to get into the habit of noticing when your opinions change suddenly. If you’re susceptible to excessive influence by other people, it’s likely that this happens way more than you realize. Even just noticing it can make it easier to tell what’s your opinion and what’s someone else’s.

Eg, let’s say Susan and Jane are eating out together, and they’re looking at the dessert menu:

Susan: I want chocolate ice cream.
Jane: Chocolate is a disgusting flavor and it’s way too high fat. Raspberry smoothies are a million times better.
Susan: Ok, that does sound better. I’ll order that.

In that instance, Susan wanted chocolate ice cream, then suddenly changed her mind when Jane said it was bad. If Susan does this a lot, she may not even have noticed that it happened. Noticing this kind of sudden opinion change could help Susan to realize when it’s happening against her will.

That leads to another skill that can help: Remembering the question “Why?”:

If you just changed your mind suddenly, why did it happen?

Did someone say something you found persuasive?
If so, what?
Are you responding to the force of someone else’s personality?
Are you afraid?
Did you hear a new idea that sounds like it might be right?
Do you need time to think about it?
(It’s ok to not know right away.)

Asking other people “Why?”:

If someone says something, you don’t have to agree
And you don’t have to assume they have a good reason
If they’re saying something that is your business, it is ok to ask “Why?”
(Sometimes it isn’t your business and “Why?” might be a rude question. Eg, if someone says that they feel sick when they drink milk.)
(But if it’s something like: “Republicans are evil”/“Democrats are ruining America”, “Why?” is a completely ok question.)
Getting in the habit of asking for reasons can help you to understand and to think for yourself
Some other ways to ask for reasons: “What makes you say that?”, “Can you say more about that?”, “I hear a lot of people saying x, but I don’t really understand why they think that… Would you be willing to explain?”

Remembering that it’s ok to need time to think about things:

Sometimes you hear a big idea or an unfamiliar perspective and it makes things feel different
Even just knowing that someone thinks something can make the world seem different
(Or meeting someone who thinks something)
That can feel really weird and confusing or disorienting
That’s ok. It’s ok to be disoriented and need time to think. Some words that can help (either by saying them or thinking them to yourself):
“I never thought about that before.”
“I never thought about it that way before.”
“That’s interesting.”
“I’ll have to think about that.”
“Thank you for telling me that.”
“This has given me a lot to think about.”
(Sometimes it feels like people are asking you to immediately agree with them when what they’re really asking is for you to listen to them. Saying one of these things can help in that situation.)

Paying attention to fear

Sometimes people are afraid to disagree with someone else’s strongly held opinions
Sometimes it’s because they’re afraid someone will hurt them
Sometimes that’s because they’re afraid doubting someone would make them a bad person
Sometimes it’s both
It’s actually ok to think for yourself. Reflexive agreement out of fear doesn’t help things.
Even when there’s a clear right side and wrong side, it’s *still* important to think for yourself and understand things
Agreeing reflexively won’t get you the kind of understanding you need to meaningfully be on the right side of an important issue
(And you can’t know what side that is without thinking about it, anyway)
Thinking about it until you understand will make your agreement much more meaningful (and actionable)

Paying attention after the fact to what you think:

Some people have personalities that loom very large
Some people are very good at sounding right
It can be very hard to tell what you think in the presence of these people
Sometimes it may be hard to tell what you think in the presence of other people
The effect tends to wear off after you’re away from them
If you’re having second thoughts after you’re away from someone, take those second thoughts seriously
Sometimes you will have really good reasons
(And even if you ultimately end up agreeing with them, it was *still* important to take your second thoughts seriously so that you can understand for yourself)
If you know that you have that reaction to someone, try to avoid agreeing to anything binding in their presence.

Remembering “maybe”:

It’s ok not to be sure what you think
It’s ok not to be sure what you want
Saying “maybe” can be really powerful.
If you get pressured into things a lot, it might help to default to maybe
It’s usually a lot easier to say “Maybe”, or “I need to think about that” than it is to say “Yes”, and then “I thought about it and I changed my mind”.

Journaling or blogging can also help:

If you write things down, it can be easier to track changes in your opinion
It can also be really helpful as a way of processing and figuring out what you think
(Tumblr *can* be good for this, but it can also attract hostile attention that makes thinking for yourself harder. Sometime more private like Livejournal or Dreamwidth might be better.)

Another thing that can help is paying attention to how people are treating you:

Are there particular people you’re afraid of contradicting?
If, so, why?
Do they treat you badly when you contradict them?
Do they treat others badly in your presence?
Do they spend a lot of time aggressively mocking people for not understanding, for disagreeing, or for asking questions?
If a lot of people in your life act this way, thinking for yourself can be really hard.
Seeking out people who treat you and others better can help a *lot* in making it possible to figure out what you think.
Not everyone with passionate opinions or commitments is a jerk
(Related: It is entirely possible pursue justice and other important causes without being horrible to everyone who disagrees with you or has an imperfect understanding or things.)

Learning to hold on to your thoughts and sense of self is going to be hard at first. Realizing that it’s going to be hard can make it more possible. (Especially since some people are really, really skilled at making people feel that their thoughts are invalid.)

As you get more experience intentionally paying attention to what you think, it gets easier. It will still be hard and confusing sometimes, but it won’t be as hard and confusing all of the time.

Short version: It is important to think for yourself even when you’re uncomfortable or others don’t want you to. There are a lot of reasons this can be hard. There are some skills that can make it easier. Scroll up for concrete suggestions.

keeping your privacy in the aftermath of a suicide attempt

June 23, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

fenisoffended asked:

I’m visibly disabled as the result of a suicide attempt. Do you have any advice on how to respond when people ask what happened?

I think it’d be uncomfortable to tell casual acquaintances or strangers etc that I attempted suicide, but I don’t really know what else to say other than a flat-out lie.

(It was an overdose, so saying the cause without mentioning suicide would also make people uncomfortable and they might think less of me)

realsocialskills said:

I think there are three basic approaches that allow you to keep your privacy without lying:

Tell a partial truth
Use humor to deflect the question
Say that you don’t like to talk about it

Telling a partial truth works by saying something that is true or true-ish, doesn’t cause their mind to jump to suicide, and (ideally) doesn’t invite further questioning. Some possible phrases along these lines:

“It’s an old injury”.
“I’m used to it.“

If you want to use humor to deflect it, one way to do it is to tell an absurdly obvious lie, eg:

“I lost a fight with a penguin”.
“You know how they say not to look directly at the sun? They’re right.”
“Alien abduction.“

Absurdly obvious lies mean (and are at least sometimes understood to mean) “I don’t want to talk about this, and I’m giving you a way to drop the subject without having to state explicitly that you asked an inappropriately personal question.” There’s an affective piece of how to pull this off that I’m not sure how to describe. It requires a certain tone of voice and body language.

You can also say explicitly that you don’t like to talk about it.

Bodies are personal and you have no obligation to answer questions about yours
If you say that you don’t like to talk about it, it’s best to follow that up with an immediate subject change
(If you follow it with a pause, some people will reflexively try to fill the pause by asking why you don’t like to talk about it)
It might work best to keep your tone polite and friendly at first, and then get more firm if they push the issue

eg:

Them: So, how did your face get to be like that?
You: I don’t really like to talk about that. How about that local sports team we both like? Can you believe they lost to that team we all hate?

Other things that mean “I don’t want to talk about it”:

“That’s a long story.” (plus immediate subject change)
“That’s kind of private.” (plus immediate subject change)

None of these are foolproof, but they all work at least some of the time.

Short version: If you don’t want to talk about something, telling a boring truth, an absurd obvious lie, or saying you don’t want to talk about it are all sometimes effective methods.

When people keep asking why you don’t have kids

June 7, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

I’ve had a hysterectomy and I live in a region where it’s very odd (like, statistical outlier odd) for a woman not to have kids by my age.

So it’s fairly common for people to continue to harass me about why I don’t have kids and not take any of the polite attempts at diverting the subject as hints to leave me alone until I tell them the truth.

Then when I tell them the truth they get mad and say that it’s too much information. Any advice for dealing with this?

realsocialskills said:

It might help to be direct about saying it’s a personal question.

I’m not sure how your conversations are going. I’m getting the sense that they might be something like this:

Them: So, why don’t you have kids yet? When are you going to have them?
You: Nice weather we’re having. But it’s summer and so it will probably rain soon. Do you think it will cause flooding again?
Them: Oh, probably. It usually does. But what about kids? Are you seeing anybody? Fertility doesn’t last forever.
You: So, I have this great new recipe for a seven-layer congealed salad.
Them: Children are a blessing. Life really can’t be complete without them.
You: That may be true, but I had a hysterectomy, so it’s not happening. Now can we please talk about something else?
Them: Why would you tell me something like that?!

It might help to add a warning layer before you tell them the truth. One possible layer: Saying it’s personal and that you don’t want to talk about it, then an immediate subject change:

“That’s awfully personal. I don’t like to talk about this.”
“That’s private medical information.”

Another possible layer: Asking rhetorical questions that warn them that they might not actually want an answer. This can make it harder for them to blame you, and more likely that they’ll back off:

“Do you really want the gory medical details?”
“That’s a very personal question. Do you really want to ask that?”
“Are you sure you want an answer to that?”

Another possibility: Answering the question in a way that’s a bit less graphic but still gets the point across:

“It just hasn’t been in the cards.”
“I can’t have children.”
“I’m sterile.”
“It’s not medically possible.”

If you’re in the South, there are some nuances about how to make people feel bad about asking inappropriate questions that I don’t really understand. (Which is part of the reason I don’t live there anymore.) It’s mostly a matter of affect. I know that it involves inserting a certain kind of pause and icy body language that tells someone they’ve crossed a line, but I don’t know how to do it or describe it well. If anyone who is better at that wants to weigh in, that would be welcome.

Short version: If your attempts at subtly deflecting intrusive questions are failing, it can help to more explicitly say that the question is too personal and that you don’t want to answer it.

Maintaining privacy when people ask about a memorial object

May 19, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

Anonymous said to realsocialskills:

I have a rather specific social problem I was hoping you might help me with. One of my best friends committed suicide very recently, and I have a necklace with his name on it that I wear to remember him. Normally I wear it with the blank side facing out, but it does flip around, & people (who didn’t know him) have asked about it. I don’t want to outright lie, but this isn’t something a stranger needs to know.

Additional complication: this is still really raw, so sometimes the question hits wrong and I become visibly upset, which just makes the person more curious. How can I brush these well-intended remarks off as politely and quickly as I can, making it clear that I don’t want to talk about it?

realsocialskills said:

I wonder if it would work for you to say that it’s in memory of a friend without talking about the suicide?

Like, along these lines:

Them: That’s not your name, is it? Who is that?
You: Actually, it’s in memory of a close friend who died recently.

It might help to be explicit about how you want them to react. Most people are uncomfortable talking about death. Some people will be very worried about saying the wrong thing and will want to take cues from you.

If you want them to drop it, changing the subject helps. One way to change the subject is to talk about the reason you’re interacting with that person to begin with.

Eg: Say you’re at a conference.

Them: What does your necklace mean?
You: It’s kind of personal. It’s in memory of a friend who died recently. I’m trying to stay busy. I’m excited to be at this conference. What brings you here?

If that’s too much sharing, maybe you could say something like more vague like: “It’s a friendship necklace”, or “It’s to remember someone”, or “I’ve had that for a while”, “It’s in honor of someone”, and then follow it with an immediate subject change.

This sometimes takes a couple of repetitions of the subject change. Some people think that they’re supposed to find ways of getting you to talk about it, and some people are just nosey. If people are particularly persistent, you might need to say very bluntly that you don’t want to talk about it. (Some people might get annoyed at having their persistence rebuffed. If that happens, that’s their fault, not yours.)

Alternatively, what about making the necklace less visible? For instance, by wearing it under your clothes, or by putting your friend’s name in a locket instead of on the outside of a pendant? (I’m not assuming that this is a good idea — it may well not be; symbolism is complicated).