boundaries – Page 9 – Real Social Skills

Boundaries of talking about sex in public

October 5, 2013June 14, 2021 Real Social Skills

What do you think about talking sexually (“I got a butt plug” kind of thing) in public (maybe at the mall) with friends? I like to talk about (often, gay) sex (it’s fun and liberating), and don’t care who hears, but there’s the issue of children sometimes being around without my knowing, and other people having had terrible experiences (e.g. rape). So, how does one appropriately talk about sex while keeping in mind the feelings of those who can overhear? Refrain? Whisper? With a protest banner?

realsocialskills said:

I think, generally speaking, it’s rude to talk about explicit details of sex in public places where you are likely to be overheard.

I think this is especially important in contexts in which people can’t escape easily. For instance, having sexually explicit conversations on the subway is bad because people have no choice but to listen.

This isn’t just a matter of consideration for people who have been raped or otherwise harmed. It’s also a matter of boundaries. Most people regard hearing explicit details about someone’s sex life or fantasies to be a form of sexual behavior. (Similar to how people regard phone sex or reading porn as sexual acts). Talking that way around people who don’t want to hear it can be a form of involving others in your sex life without their permission.

It’s especially bad if you’re talking this way when kids are around, which is generally the case in public places.

It’s different in contexts in which there’s an understanding that sexually explicit conversations are likely. For instance, if you’re at a convention centered around sexuality, then having sexually explicit conversations in convention space is probably not rude. (Having them directly *with* people who haven’t indicated clearly that they want to have that kind of conversation with you *is* rude and creepy, though).

It’s also different if you’re keeping a reasonable distance from others and keeping your voices down. If someone has to be going out of their way to listen in order to hear you, then they’re responsible for their decision to eavesdrop.

Basically, don’t subject people to explicit conversations about sexuality unless they’re willing participants.

Arguments about the definition of abuse can be counterproductive

October 2, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

redsuspendershoothoot asked:

What defines abuse? Like say someone is unsure of weather the way they are treated by another is actual abuse and is worried that if they try to get help it will be denied and only get worse?

realsocialskills said:

Here’s the thing. When people are inclined to violate your boundaries, they will often do just about anything they can to derail things when you tell them to knock it off.

One common way they do this is to start an argument about whether something is technically bad enough to be abuse or not.

That’s usually beside the point. What’s relevant is that you are being pressured into putting up with something that hurts you. And sometimes you need help getting them to stop hurting you.

That’s what’s important. Not whether something technically qualifies as abuse according to some formalized definition.

When is it ok not to tell people things?

September 22, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Is it okay not to tell someone something because you think they’ll disapprove? Assume it’s something that doesn’t affect their life, only yours, but you know they like hearing about your life and you know their feelings will be hurt if you don’t tell them. Do you have an obligation to tell them?

realsocialskills said:

There are very few things you have an obligation to tell other people about when they’re not personally affected. In fact, off hand, I can’t think of any. (Although, it’s not always 100% straightforward what does and doesn’t directly affect someone. Some things that seem like they don’t actually do.)

That said, outright lying about something the other person is likely to find out about tends to backfire, because it can have a corrosive effect on you. It can make you feel like you must be doing something wrong if you have to lie about it, and it can make you anxious about what will happen when they inevitably find out about it. Sometimes it’s a good idea anyway, but often it is not.

If someone is personally offended that you keep some parts of your life private, that’s a major red flag. It’s a sign that this relationship has bad boundaries.

No friends tell each other everything; no one approves of everything their friend does. There are always at least a few things that it’s better not to discuss.

In mutually respectful friendships, both people understand this and respect one another’s privacy. If someone expect you to tell them everything and gets upset when you don’t, they’re being controlling. They’re not treating you as an equal.

And it usually gets worse over time. If someone can convince you that you’re not allowed to have any boundaries or privacy, they usually keep pushing.

Some people who do this start acting right if you assert boundaries and refuse to tolerate it when they’re breached. That doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes you can assert boundaries enough to make the relationship work even if they never really respect them willingly. Sometimes that doesn’t work and the friendship can’t be safe even if you really, really like them in other ways.

Borrowing computers

September 13, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi… I have a suggestion I’d really like to see: a post with more about people asking to borrow your computer and similar issues and why this can be a problem. Thanks for the blog! 🙂

realsocialskills answered:

Here’s how I’d explain it to people who are inclined to expect to have the use of other people’s computers:

Some people experience their computer/iPad/phone/etc as part of their body and find losing control over these things intensely distressing. Asking to borrow a computer can be like asking to borrow part of someone’s body.

Even for people who do not feel that way – Computers and things are expensive. Some people don’t like to share them, because they depend on them heavily and wouldn’t be able to afford to replace them.

Don’t put people in the position of having to tell you they don’t trust you not to break their computer. There’s no polite way to say that.

It can be ok to ask, but it’s important not to assume that the answer will be yes. And if you’re anticipating the need for a computer during the day, plan ahead rather than putting others on the spot.

For instance:

If you know you’ll need to look things up during the day, and you also know that Bob always carries an iPad, don’t just assume that you’ll be able to use his.
Either ask in advance, or bring your own
If you’re going to need a computer for a presentation or to show a video or something, it’s very important not to assume you’ll be able to use someone else’s.
Ask ahead of time, and take no for an answer if someone says no
Putting people on the spot pressures them to say yes even if it’s not really ok with them
Because it’s likely that everyone will think it’s their fault for ruining your presentation if they don’t agree to share their computer
Don’t do this to people.

Some people are happy to occasionally allow friends and coworkers to use their computers. Other people aren’t. It’s ok to be unwilling to share, and the reasons why are no one else’s business. Don’t pressure people into doing things with their computer that they’re not really ok with.

Asking followup questions

September 7, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Is it OK to ask follow-up questions? So if I asked someone “Would you like some of my ice cream?“, and they said no but I felt there was more to it, and I said something like “should I avoid offering you food?”, would that be OK?

This is often ok, yes.

I think phrasing it as “Would you rather I didn’t offer you food?” would be slighting better. “Should I…” could be perceived as defensive, It could also be read as you wanting them to offer a reason that you could potentially argue with. “Would you rather…” is clearer about wanting to know what their preferences are.

If you can read body language, pay attention to it when you’re asking questions. If they seem uncomfortable, it’s probably better not to ask additional follow up questions.

(If they’re a friend, it might be appropriate to ask if they’re ok. If they’re a professional associate, err on the side of backing off.)

Sometimes it’s better to back off rather than try to fix things, especially if the problem is that someone is feeling really self-concious.

When someone won’t stop making fun of you

September 1, 2013June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

What do you do when someone is constantly insulting and making fun of you, but every time you try to tell them how much they’re hurting your feelings, they say they don’t want to talk about it? I don’t want to force someone to have a conversation that is painful or uninteresting to them, but it’s also extremely frustrating to deal with constant insults and belittling, and have no way to express how hurt I am or make them stop.

First of all, telling someone to stop insulting and belittling you is not pushing them around. You have every right to tell them to stop, and telling them to stop isn’t bad, even if it makes them feel bad.

That said, it’s possible to tell someone to stop insulting you without making it into a conversation about your feelings. It’s ok to say “That’s not ok. Please don’t say things like that to me.” You don’t owe them a long explanation of *why* it’s not ok.

Sometimes it’s also good to end conversations if someone starts insulting you. Eg “I’m not going to stand here and be insulted. This conversation is over.” and then leave the room, or hang up, or whatever the ending would take in that conversation.