social skills they don’t teach us – Page 2

Trying to detect dehumanization

December 10, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

I’m really good at telling when people don’t quite think I’m a person, but I’m not quite sure *how* I detect this. I’m trying to figure it out.

A good part of what’s in this post is probably wrong, because this is really hard to get a handle on. And *some* of these things are sometimes the result of other things, like communication problems.

But here’s a draft list of things I think that I detect as signs that someone doesn’t see me as a person:

There’s kind of more of a pause than usual, and then what they responded to wasn’t really in reaction to what you said. They’re reacting to some imaginary person.
They don’t seem to understand what you’re saying, but they don’t ask any clarifying questions.
They don’t answer your clarifying questions.
They look at each other a lot, but not you.
They try to insist on talking about your feelings rather than the problem or concrete thing you want to talk about.
They tell you in authoritative tones what you are thinking or feeling or need or want, and they’re not open to corrections.
They completely ignore you when you say things that don’t fit their agenda, to the extent that you start doubting that you actually said it.
They go on and on about how smart you are, but they don’t seem to want to discuss anything else with you.
They expect effusive gratitude for mundane acts like getting something down from a shelf they can reach that you can’t.
Their body language shifts dramatically when they’re interacting with you; it’s really different than how it looks when they’re interacting with others.
They have a voice they use with adults, and a voice they use with young children, and they use their little-kid-voice with you.

Thoughts, anyone? Which of these things am I wrong (or right) about? What other signs are there?

I think a good percentage of y’all know exactly what I am talking about, but it’s really hard to pin down.

Some things to think about after a bad interaction

October 28, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

If after interacting with someone, you feel filled with shame, or fear, or just generally feel like shit – it’s an indication that there’s a problem. Feeling that way tells you that there’s a problem, but it doesn’t in itself tell you what the problem is.

It’s worth taking some time to figure out what’s behind it, and why you feel bad. For me, it helps to use words to talk or write to myself about what I think is going on, and these are the kinds of questions I ask:

1) Do you think that you *did* something bad?

If so, what?
Was it something you did on purpose?
Was it something you did inadvertently but culpably?
Was it a minor mistake that is being blown way out of proportion?
Is it something you would consider a big deal if someone did it to you?
Do people whose judgement you respect think you did a bad thing?
If you hurt someone who didn’t deserve it, is there anything you can do to fix it?
If you angered someone powerful, is there something you need to do to protect yourself?

2) Do you usually feel awful after talking to this person? (If so, that’s a major red flag.)

Did this person get you to agree to something you hadn’t meant to agree to?
Are you really confused?
Do you understand the interaction? Do you know what they said and what you said? If you always feel horrible after talking to someone *and* you usually have no idea what the content of the interaction was, there’s probably a problem.

3) Do other people you know have similar interactions with this person?

If so, do they know what is going on?
Are your trustworthy friends worried about your interactions with this person? If so, why?

Response to a question

October 25, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked:

Hi. I was wondering if you could make a post regarding parents and specifically, strategies for coping with them. [Parents who don’t acknowledge autism/insert other as legitimate.]

Short answer: it depends. Families are really complicated, and it depends on what the relationships actually are. There isn’t much I can say that is generally true for all children and families.

That said, here are a couple of principles that work for some people:

Some people are never going to accept that you’re autistic, and are never going to understand what that means. For some people, that word is just too loaded, and too unacceptable.

Some of these same people will do what you need, if it’s framed the right way. Sometimes it helps to *not* talk about autism and *not* give any principled explanations, but rather to say things that are more like “I don’t understand. Send me an email and I’ll reply”. or “That restaurant is too loud for me.”

That can work better than things that are more like “I have trouble with loud noises because I am autistic and we often have trouble processing intense sensory input”. Because actually, they don’t *need* to understand or agree with your explanation of what’s going on in order to do right by you. They just have to do what you need in order to interact.

And I’d say also that – first and foremost, learn to say no and make it stick. Asserting boundaries makes a lot of things better, and the more you can establish that you are in control of your life, the better off you’ll be. In some circumstances, your ability to do this can be very limited because of danger – but in just about *all* situations, people will try to convince you that you have less power than you really do. Being mindful of your autonomy and preserving it helps.

Also – one thing that can happen is that people feel like they need permission of families/parents/whoever to think of themselves as autistic/whatever and to seek out help. And, while you might need their assistance for certain things, and while they might have the power to prevent you from doing certain things – you *don’t* need their permission to try to understand the world, understand how your mind and body work, get help, and make your life better. Don’t make their acceptance a prerequisite for doing these things.

Interacting with marginalized people who do valuable things

October 21, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people do unusual things, things that people like them are not expected to do, things that might even be taboo.

This happens to autistic folks, men who do childcare or raise their kids or otherwise “women’s work”, women who do many things, people with other disabilities, children and teenagers who accomplish things, basically any group of people who are often not expected to do things.

And sometimes people who want to support them end up making things worse. This is too abstract, so I’m going to give an example. This is not specifically a women’s issue; I’m using that as an example because it’s one I’ve seen a lot:

Say, a woman is the first female research scientist. And that she’s overcome a lot of opposition to get to this point.

And now that she’s finally gotten to the point of being allowed to do research that other people take seriously; 90% of the time what people want to talk about is her gender. About what it’s like to be a female whatever or the first female whatever.

Even when she’s come to give a presentation on her research – people who ask questions at the end all ask about what it’s like to be a female scientist and not what she’s actually presenting on.

And it’s hard to assert boundaries about this without just being seen as an uncaring bitch.

Many of the people are just curious, sometimes in a creepy way. Some people asking about it are hostile, and want to show that they really don’t think women should be allowed.

But sometimes, the hardest thing to take is people who want to tell you how great it is that you’re a female scientist, who mean to be supportive, but who are still really intensely focused on the freaky female part rather than the scientist part. Because, then, even the people who like you aren’t really taking you seriously, it’s *always* about the thing, the freakness.

And even then, it can seem like people are assuring you that you have their permission to be a freaky female – and being treated like you need permission by supporters

And it’s so much better to be taken seriously on the terms you care about, on what you’re actually doing.

So, be careful about that. The best way to support someone who is doing something important and stigmatized is to value the thing they’re doing, and take them seriously as someone who does it.

Social skills: Considering communication an obligation

October 13, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes, when people learn methods of communication that sometimes work for people with disabilities, they use them only to get compliance. Or to make things more peaceful and calm. And they expect that things will become easier. And some things will, but…

If you’re doing it right –– if what you’re doing is real communication – you should be hearing NO a lot more than you used to. And some things should become more complicated than they were before.

And you should be understanding and respecting NO more than you used to. The communication should sometimes, probably even often, interfere with your plans and challenge your assumptions. If your interactions almost always make things more convenient for you, what you’re doing is probably not really communication.

Even if the person you’re talking to is a little child – even two-year-old kids who don’t have disabilities are allowed to say no and make it stick sometimes. Little kids who need help communicating, need help communicating things adults *don’t* want them to say, as well as things adults *do* want them to say. It’s important for them to learn how to *decide* what to say.

And, especially – if you’re treating an adult in a way that makes it impossible for them to communicate boundaries even a two-year-old child is allowed to have, somethings is going seriously wrong. And you should be fixing it, and you should expect that fixing it will be inconvenient and lead to you having to change what you do because the person you are communicating said no, or said something unexpected.

Learning to communicate is not just a matter of learning to talk to someone; it’s also a matter of learning how to listen.

And, in pretty much every culture there is, listening to people with communication disabilities is considered optional, and learning how is considered to be a special skill gained by special people who have extra special patience for Working With People Like That. (And, it’s not even routinely expected of people whose primary job is teaching or supporting people with disabilities. It’s considered something *exceptionally good* people in such roles might take on.)

But listening to and communicating with people with disabilities isn’t optional. It’s a basic social skill that everyone needs to acquire (unless they have a disability that prevents it).

And – considering communication optional makes it harder. Acknowledging that others have the right to communicate, and that listening effectively is basic decency and not a special favor you’re doing someone, makes it a lot easier to learn how to communicate properly.

Social skill: Something you should know about sarcasm

October 10, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

It’s widely believed that autistic folks have trouble detecting sarcasm and irony. This is in fact true for a lot of people.

However, something else is also true.

People lie about sarcasm and irony. Sometimes people say something they really did mean, and then after the fact claim not to have meant it.

Despite having meant it, they might say things like:

I was just joking
I was just being sarcastic
I was just being ironic
Of course I didn’t *mean* that

There are several reasons people might do this, including but not limited to:

After the fact, they regretted what they said and want to pretend they didn’t say it (sometimes for benign reasons – people do speak without thinking and then realize that what they said is something they don’t want to have said)
They realize that they don’t actually want to discuss that topic with you, and are trying to close the subject so they won’t have to
They are afraid of looking stupid, and they think you consider what they said stupid, so they want you to think they don’t mean it
They said a bigoted or otherwise messed-up thing and don’t want to take responsibility for having done so (so they pretend it was a joke in some way)
They are intentionally messing with you and want to confuse you

So, if you’re often told that you don’t understand sarcasm/irony/humor, it might be true. But it also might mean that you *do* understand what people are saying, and that they’re falsely claiming to be sarcastic/ironic/joking when they don’t like how you react to what they say.

Some things to consider:

Do you understand irony/humor/sarcasm some of the time, but not other times? Is there a pattern you can detect?
Do you understand humor/irony/sarcasm about some topics, but not others? Are the topics you don’t understand irony/sarcasm/humor topics that people say obviously intentionally hurtful things to you about? (If so, it’s likely that at least some of the sarcasm you’re failing to detect actually *is* meant literally).
Are there particular people whose irony/sarcasm/humor you consistently fail to detect, even though you understand it in others? If so, it’s worth watching carefully and examining the content to see if it’s actually irony/sarcasm/humor. It may be the case that you just find some people more confusing than others, but it’s also likely that you actually *do* understand what this person is saying and they just wish you didn’t.

Social skill: Making a building’s accessibility features useable

October 9, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Many buildings are built such that they are possible to use in a wheelchair, and then mismanaged in ways that make them completely and needlessly inaccessible. Here’s some things you can do to avoid that problem:

If some of the entrances to your building are not flat, post signs that clearly state where the accessible entrances can be found.
If you need to control access to your building by locking some of the entrances, make sure to keep at least one accessible entrance open. Even if this means you don’t use the fancy entrance. Being accessible is more important than being fancy.
If some of your parking lots lead to accessible entrances, and others lead to inaccessible entrances post that information and directions to the correct parking lot *at the entrance to the parking lot*.
If some of your entrances look accessible at first but then lead to stairs, post signs that make this clear and that direct to an actually accessible entrance. Do not make people waste their time with decoy entrances.
Make sure the elevator is as easy to find as the stairs. (For instance: If the elevator is not next to the stairs, post signs by the stairs with directions to the elevator). Do not post signs telling people that taking the stairs is more virtuous than taking the elevator.
If the passenger elevator is broken but there is an alternative (freight elevator, service elevator, etc) post this information with the out-of-order sign, and provide a cell phone number or other way someone who needs an elevator can contact help getting to the alternative elevator.
If you have a website, accurately describe the accessibility of your building. If some areas aren’t accessible, or are only sort of accessible, be honest about it. That allows people to plan. Provide a phone number or email address people can use to ask accessibility questions, and make sure the person answering it knows what they are talking about and cares.
Make sure your building maps accurately describe your building from the perspective of someone on wheels. For instance, if the pedestrian bridge linking two parts of your mall has two steps at the entrance, your map needs to say this. Likewise, if there is a step to get into the food court from one direction but not the other, the map needs to say this. Misleading maps waste a lot of time.
Listen to what people with disabilities tell you about accessibility. If they tell you something is a problem, believe them and fix it.

Social skill: Noticing a consent problem

October 3, 2012June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

I’m not entirely sure how to describe this, but I know it’s a thing, and I know a *little* about how to deal with it:

Some people have been systemically taught that they are absolutely never allowed to say no to anything. That their boundaries don’t matter, and that they’re not really people.

For this reason, some things you’d normally do in order to establish consent and find out someone’s preferences don’t work *at all*.

For instance, asking “do you want to eat a sandwich?” is a totally useless question when you’re asking someone who’s been taught to interpret this as a command. Which a lot of people have been, because they’re in the power of people who don’t want to perceive themselves as having power over others. So they use lots of things that *look* like questions and polite requests, but aren’t.

And people get really, really good at correcting identifying orders and giving every outward appearance of consent. Because that dynamic punishes everything else.

So you have to do it differently. You have to make more guesses (not the right word, but don’t know a better one). And you also have to ask questions differently. You have to ask in a way that *doesn’t* suggest an answer. And you have to remind people that saying no is possible. For instance “Do you want to watch TV now, or do something else?” is better than “do you want to watch TV now?”, but still probably not good enough.

But you have to notice this. And take it into account when you interact with people. I know some of my followers on here know more about how to do this than I do – comments anyone?