social skills – Page 17 – Real Social Skills

When a seder is overloading

April 1, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

A reader asked this question about Passover:

How do you deal with sensory overload in a situation where you can’t leave?

realsocialskills said:

Based on context, I think you’re probably asking about being overloaded at a large noisy seder.

There might be more options for leaving and taking a break than you might realize. I’m going to discuss those, then some thoughts on how to deal with it if leaving isn’t an option.

Some options for taking breaks:

Helping in the kitchen

At seders, there are often (not always) things going on in the kitchen that people would welcome help with
If you find doing stuff in the kitchen less overloading than being at the table, excusing yourself to go help might be a socially acceptable way to take a break
Some examples of things people might welcome help with:
Cutting vegetables
Serving soup
Bringing out other things
Washing dishes

Playing with the kids:

At a lot of seders, there are little kids who kind of run in and out
If these are kids you know, or they’re related to you, it may be socially acceptable for you to take breaks and play with the kids
This depends on the culture of your family or community; it’s fairly common for it to be socially acceptable, but it’s not universal

Pretending you have to go to the bathroom:

At a long seder, most people will excuse themselves to use the bathroom at least once
If you take a break for about that amount of time, that’s what people will assume you were doing
(You can also actually go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to use it – bathrooms can sometimes be a good place to take a break from sensory overload since people will usually leave you alone for a few minutes if you’re in the bathroom)

Options if you can’t take breaks or taking breaks doesn’t help enough:

Get oriented:

Sometimes sensory overload is caused as much by disorientation as by sensations
One way to become more oriented is to think through in advance what’s likely to happen
If you feel like stuff is more predictable, it’s likely to be less overwhelming and sensory stuff might be easier to manage
If this is a seder you’ve been to before, it might help think about what usually happens. Who will be there? How do they usually act? Who will ask the four questions?
It also might be a good idea to look through the hagaddah. Here’s one online.
If you’re feeling overloaded during the seder, it’s worth considering the possibility that you have become disoriented
If you look through the haggadah, figure out where you are in the seder, and how much is left, it might help you to become more oriented and less overloaded
It may also help to use a visual schedule, which shows you at a glance what to expect and in what order. Here’s one you can print, organized by cup.

Using solid objects to ground yourself:

If you’ve become really overloaded or disoriented, sometimes grabbing hold of something solid can help a lot
If you’re at a seder, the most readily available solid thing is likely to be the table
If there’s someone present you trust who is ok with it, holding someone’s hand can help a lot too in ramping down overload

Sit in a less overloading place in the room:

Sitting on the edge of the room is likely to be less overloading than sitting in the middle
Sitting on the end or near the end of a table is likely to be less overloading than sitting between several people
Sitting near the door is likely to be less overloading (especially if you get overloaded from feeling trapped)
If there are florescent lights in the room, it helps to pay attention to whether one of them is flickering
If you’re already overwhelmed going into the room, you might not notice right away, even though it will bother you later. If flickering lights bother you, it’s worth making a point of checking to see if the light is flickering when you decide where to sit
If the room is likely to be very loud, you might be more comfortable if you use ear plugs. You can get disposable ones for cheap at a pharmacy

Stimming:

Some people can stop overload by moving in certain ways
Most people can at least mitigate it a little
Rocking back and forth can help a lot (and it’s not that weird in a lot of Jewish settings, particularly if there are a lot of religious people present.)
If you have stim toys that usually work for you, it might be a good idea to bring them
If you’re worried about stigma, it might work better to use different things
(That said, if a room is crowded and noisy and overloading, it’s very likely that no one is actually looking at you)
If you wear rings or bracelets, you can play with them
You can also play with the silverware if the seder isn’t extremely formal. You probably won’t be the only one.
You can also stim with the haggadah. (by holding it in your hands, flipping the pages, looking through it, or even reading it.)
If you have a water bottle with a stem you can chew the stem
(You can also eat stuff as a way of getting to chew to reduce overload. If you do that with stuff like celery rather than stuff like chicken it’s less likely to make you uncomfortably full)
You might be able to bring seder-themed stim toys to use, particularly if you bring enough to share. (For instance, if you bring out plastic frogs for the ten plagues, probably no one will think twice about you continuing to play with them)

Participating actively also might help to handle overload:

Sometimes it can be less overloading to participate in something than to be passively present while something is happening
This isn’t true for everyone, but it’s true for a lot of people
For instance, if people are singing loud songs and it’s overloading, you might be more physically comfortable if you sing the songs too
(This doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for some people)
If it’s a big seder and people are going on and on and you’re overloaded, ignoring what’s going on and reading the haggadah might work. (In that setting, you’re probably not going to be the only one doing that.)
Asking questions and arguing might be less overloading than being in the room while other people are doing that

Talking to people might also be an option:

If social anxiety is contributing to overload, having successful conversations might help
Here’s a post about how to have conversations at family gatherings (which is broadly applicable for other settings too)
Here’s a post about how to deal with people who pick fights (post was written for someone who asked about Christmas; it’s also applicable to any holiday gathering)
If you’re a student and you’re going to a communal seder at a college, this post on identifying common interests among students might help

Short version: Passover seders can be really overloading. Scroll up for some ideas about how to deal with that.

Meanness can conceal bad arguments

March 27, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Sometimes people use being mean to sound right. (Intentionally or unintentionally).

When you’re afraid of someone, it can feel dangerous to disagree with them. (Sometimes the danger is real, sometimes it isn’t.)

If you’re afraid to disagree with someone, you might find yourself coming up with a lot of arguments in favor of their position, and feeling like they’re more credible than they really are.

It can be worth noticing you’re afraid, and thinking through whether you’d still agree with them if you weren’t afraid.

For instance:

Susan (in a mean, not-quite yelling tone): Implausible hounds are real! I can’t believe anyone thinks they’re not. I’m glad all my friends get it.
Susan’s friend Bob isn’t sure whether or not implausible hounds exist, but doesn’t want to get yelled at, doesn’t want Susan to stop respecting him, and doesn’t want to be a bad friend
So Bob might ignore his doubts about implausible hounds and try to convince himself that they definitely exist by ignoring all the arguments he can think of that implausible hounds are implausible.

This can happen subconsciously, so it’s worth trying to notice when it’s happening:

If someone is saying something forcefully
And you find yourself agreeing
And you feel really bad about agreeing
Or you feel really bad about doubting them
It’s worth asking yourself whether you’re agreeing out of fear, and whether you’d agree with them if you weren’t afraid

This can happen for other reasons; sometimes learning a new thing can feel bad (eg: if you realize you were being a jerk). It’s worth considering whether you’re agreeing out of fear, and also worth being open to the possibility that you’re agreeing because you’re actually convinced. It always takes thought to figure out which it is.

Short version: When people are mean or scary; it can make their arguments seem better than they really are. If you’re afraid, feeling awful after agreeing with something, or feeling awful about doubting someone, it’s a sign that you might be agreeing out of fear rather than having been persuaded. When that happens, it’s worth pausing to think through things and figure out whether you’re agreeing out of fear, or agreeing because you’ve actually been persuaded.

Remembering to ask questions

March 18, 2015June 21, 2021 Real Social Skills

Some phrases in academic argument are used to assert that an argument has been successfully been made. If someone’s really good at using them, it can make their arguments feel better than they actually are.

One countermeasure is to learn what those phrases are, and to use them as indications that it’s time to check to see if you agree with their argument.

A few examples of phrases that often work this way:

“It is clear that…”
“We have seen..“
“Now it is evident..”
“It has been demonstrated…”
“It follows from…”
“It goes without saying that…”

If you get into the habit of reading things like this as questions, it becomes much easier to tell what you think the answer is.

eg:

Do you think it’s clear?
Have you seen the point being made? Do you agree with it?
Do you think it’s evident from the evidence the author brought?
Do you think it has been demonstrated?
Do you think it follows from that?
Do you think it goes without saying? Do you think it’s true at all?

Short version: Some rhetorical devices make arguments feel better than they are. Getting into the habit of seeing them as indications that it’s time to ask a question makes it easier to evaluate arguments on their merits.

Thoughts on asking better panel questions

March 12, 2015June 10, 2021 Real Social Skills

At panel discussions, there is usually a chance for members of the audience to ask questions. If you want to get good answers to your question, it helps to ask the question a certain way. These are not absolute rules, but these general principles often help:

Ask one question:

If the panelists are interesting, you will probably have a pile of questions you want to ask them
It can be tempting to try to ask all the questions together in one long paragraph
That never works, because the panelists don’t actually have time to answer all ten of your complicated questions
And if your question gets overly long and complicated, they quit paying attention and just talk about what they want to talk about
If you want them to answer a question, you have to pick one.

Make sure your question is actually a question:

The point of asking questions is to get the panelists to share their perspective on something you care about
The question you ask should be possible to answer, and you should be interested in what the panelists think of it
Otherwise it’s not really a question
Sometimes people who think they’re asking a question are actually presenting a long monologue about their views on something
That really annoys everyone.
The people in the audience came to hear the panelists, not you. If you monologue instead of asking a question, it will annoy them.
(There’s almost always at least one person who does this.)
(There are some exceptions to this: if you’re sufficiently popular in that group that people are likely to be just as interested in what you say, *and* the panelists hold you in high regard and won’t mind, sometimes it’s ok. That’s rare.)

Questions to panelists should be specific, and easy for the panelists to understand. They should also be at least somewhat open-ended, so that the panelists will be able to give substantive and nuances answers. A few possible scripts for forming good questions (there are many others):

Asking how something works, or how something will happen, eg:

“How will the new version of your app support VoiceOver?“
“How do you decide what to put in the parameters for casting calls?”
“How do you respond when the alarm goes off in the spaceship?“

This can also be a short statement, then a question, eg:

“A lot of comedians tell offensive jokes. When you’re working on a routine, how do you figure when a joke you’re considering is crossing a line?”

Asking them to expand on something interesting they referenced by starting with “Can you say more about…”, eg:

“Can you say more about the time you quit a job at the Very Highly Regarded Charity for ethical reasons?“
“Can you say more about your methods for attracting butterflies without also attracting wasps?”

“What do you think about..?” or “Here’s a statement. What do you think about that?“

This can be good, but it can also be hard to make it specific.
Example of an overly vague question: “What do you think about pie?”
A better question: “What do you think of replacing cakes with pie on ceremonial occasions?“
Another example of a question that would be overly vague in most contexts: “What do you think about progress?”
A question that’s more likely to be answerable: “What do you think about the role of People in Our Field in making the world better?”
another example: “Some people say that if we wait long enough, things will get better on their own. What do you think about that?“
“What do you think about Other Person’s Theory? Does that seem true in your work?”

“Do you think that…”

This can be a good way to ask stuff
The problem is that it’s prone to cause a question to be overly closed
Eg: “Do you think that you will enjoy your next job?” is very unlikely to get a good answer
This might get a good answer: “Do you think that other women are still facing obstacles in your field?“
Offering alternatives can sometimes make the question seem more open, eg:
“Do you think that standardized testing is a good approach to improving special education outcomes, or do you favor a different approach?”

Asking about a rumor:

Make it clear which rumor you’re talking about, then ask about it (Asking “So, are the rumors true?” will not generally get an interesting answer).
“Is there any truth to that?” will often get a better answer than “Is that true?”
Example: “I heard that you’re working on a book of poetry about cats from a laser pointer’s perspective. Is there any truth to that?“

Questions that start simple and also ask for an explanation. There’s sometimes another way to phrase these too:

Adding “why or why not?”
eg: “Did you enjoy being a voice actor on the Simpsons? Why or why not?“
you could also ask that question this way: “What were some things you liked and disliked about being a voice actor on The Simpsons?”
another example: “Do you think that there is life on other planets? Why or why not?“

There are also questions that are challenges. These are harder to pull off. They still should be real questions, that it is actually possible to answer in a substantive way.

For instance “Isn’t it true that you’re an ableist and only care about yourself?” isn’t a good question because there’s no good way to answer it.
Asking that way makes you look like a jerk, even if you’re completely right in your assessment
It’s much more effective to challenge them on something specific, and to ask a question that it is possible to answer
(This can sometimes force them to consider the issue, or to reveal publicly that they’re getting it wrong.)
Example of a better question: “Why doesn’t the board of your Disability Organization About Disability have any openly disabled members?”
Or, you can push harder and say something like: “There are no openly disabled members on your board. What are you doing to address this problem?“
How far it’s useful to push depends a lot on context.
(The rule of only asking one clear question at a time is particularly important with challenges. If you ask a complicated or ambiguous challenge question, it makes it easy for them to evade it.)

If possible, keep your question short:

Most people don’t like to pay attention to long complicated questions
If your question is short and easy to understand quickly, you’re likely to get a better answer
Short questions are easier to understand
They’re also harder to evade
If your question is 1-3 sentences long, you will probably get a better answer than if it is substantially longer.

Think about your question before you start talking:

You will probably have to wait your turn to ask
While you’re waiting to be called on, it’s worth planning what you want to say and how you want to say it
If you wait and don’t figure out what you’re going to say until you start talking, it will probably be more verbose and less clear
If you can, it’s worth planning
(For some people, writing the question down first helps)

None of these things are absolute rules, but all of them are potentially helpful. If you can’t communicate this way, you still have the right to ask questions. These are suggestions, not rules.

Short version: If you’re at a panel discussion and want the panelists to give interesting answers to your question, there are things that make that more likely. Scroll up for some general principles and some scripts.