Tag: social skills

Some things I think I know about cultural appropriation

Real Social Skills

Some things that are not necessarily appropriation, depending on how they’re done (but can get into really dangerous territory really quickly):

  • Learning from another culture
  • Admiring another culture
  • Seeing things in another culture that are better than in yours, and trying to figure out how make what you do more like that
  • Learning values from another culture that are better than yours, and trying to incorporate what you’ve learned into your culture
  • Learning musical or artistic styles from another culture
  • Learning how to make food associated with another culture

Pretending that what you’re doing is literally the same thing people in a culture you admire do is always obnoxious appropriation, though. Here are some examples:

  • Claiming to be a member of a culture you’ve only read about because of how strongly what you’ve read resonates with you
  • Using religious ceremonies lifted from other religions completely out of their context (eg: Christians who are really into seeing Jesus as a Jew often do this with modern Jewish rituals; white environmentalists often do this with Native ceremonies)
  • Saying that you must have some distant relatives from the culture you’re interested in, or that you must have been a member of that group in another life, and acting as though this makes you yourself in this life a member of that group 
  • Reading a book written by an anthropologist describing their perspective on the childrearing practices of a group they spent a few months with, then claiming that you’re raising your kids just like that culture does

Some notes for people who might be new here

Real Social Skills

This is a blog about interactions between people, very broadly defined.

Any kinds of people. Any kinds of interactions.

I write about things I know about. I’m autistic; I move in the world as an autistic person so that’s the perspective I write from. A lot of what I know about is interactions between autistic people, or interactions between autistic and neurotypical people.

And power relationships. I know a lot about power. 

This isn’t an autism blog, though. It’s not a special place for autistic people or some category of people. It’s a blog about people. 

A blog about people that doesn’t assume that there’s a default kind of person. Everyone is real, and I write accordingly. What I say doesn’t always apply to everyone – but there aren’t special posts that are disability posts and posts that are regular, or anything.

They’re all for everyone they apply to. No matter why they apply. This is not a place to worry about appropriation. It’s ok to listen, and to comment, and to learn from this. (Even if I’m talking about something that happens to autistic people, and you notice that it also happens in another context).

For those of you who are used to being described as the default kind of person, you might find this disconcerting. Especially if you’re not accustomed to having to notice that people unlike you exist.

You might want to consider what this means about the world you live in.

Some things I think I know about trust

Real Social Skills
  • Trust isn’t automatic
  • It’s something that develops over time as you learn things about someone
  • You don’t have to trust someone right away just because they seem like an ok-ish person
  • Someone trusting you does not mean you have to trust them
  • Someone having a strong emotional need for you to trust them does not mean you should.
  • Even if someone says that not trusting them is *ist, you still do not have to trust them
  • You don’t have to make yourself vulnerable just because someone else wants you to

Therapy is a choice

Real Social Skills

Sometimes, when you are dealing with a really awful therapist, people will tell you “That is a terrible therapist! You should find another one!”

And sometimes that is the right thing to do.

But sometimes it isn’t.

Sometimes the right thing to do is decide not to go to therapy anymore. Or to decide not to go to therapy *right now*, even if you’re open to it in the future.

Therapy is a choice. And it is possible to decide to stop going to a bad therapist without making plans to find a new one.

It takes more than etymology to make a slur

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Do you think words with etymologies based on oppression (like “idiot” or “hysterical”) but are no longer used that way now should be considered slurs? Do you think most people consider them slurs? I’ve heard some compelling arguments for why they should be treated like slurs, but I’ve also heard some good reasons for why they shouldn’t be, and it’s all very confusing.
realsocialskills answered:
I don’t think etymology is important. I think what’s important is how a word is used.
If something is used as a slur, then it’s a slur even if it has a neutral etymology. (People try to argue that the r-word isn’t a slur because it literally just means slow. Those people are wrong.)
If something is not used as a slur, then it’s not one even if it has an etymology based on oppression or hate. (For instance: “autism” has an etymology based on dehumanizing autistic people, but it’s not a slur.)
This gets complicated because sometimes people will claim that something “isn’t a slur anymore” even when it clearly is. If people the word is used against think it’s still a slur, then it’s a slur even if some people think they “don’t mean it that way”. (The g-word is a good example of this.)
I think that there are also words that are somewhat tainted by oppressive etymologies or connotations. It can be worthwhile to personally try to avoid using those words. (I avoid some, but not all, tainted words for that reason). But it’s dangerous to treat these words as actually being the same as slurs. One reason it’s important not to do this is that it causes serious problems for people with language disabilities. This is a good example of the importance of understanding the difference between personal piety and basic morality.

Some thoughts on PTSD at school

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
 
I developed PTSD last year and took time off college, and I’m about to go back for the first time since then. I’ve been auditing classes for a few months now though and I’m suddenly terrified. I can barely read anymore (I can’t focus and it’s often panic inducing). I dissociate in class and sometimes even have highly humiliating episodes in lectures. I never retain anything and it feels futile and I’m afraid I’m gonna flunk out. If you have any advice I would appreciate it so much. Thank you!!
 
realsocialskills answered:
 
Since I don’t know you, all I can do is guess – but here are a couple of possibilities that comes to mind:
 
Do you find evaluation triggering? Like, tests, quizzes, papers, things where you have to prove that you mastered the material? Or knowing that you’re being graded?
 
If so, I wonder if maybe a full course load might be too much for you right now. Being terrified is exhausting and time consuming. So is dealing with being triggered a lot. That plus a full course load might be taking up more time than you have.
 
It might be better to start by only taking one course for credit. That could give you space to work on figuring out what’s triggering and how to deal with it.
 
Another possibility: If you’re missing material because you dissociate in class, you might be able to get a notetaker as a disability accommodation. Or you might try recording the lectures (which is a disability accommodation you can get even if recording isn’t normally allowed). Similarly, if you find a particular *kind* of assessment triggering, you might be able to arrange a modified form (eg: if taking a quiz in-class causes you to dissociate, you might be able to arrange to do a take-home instead.)
 
You might also try collaborative note taking:
  • It’s a good strategy for anyone to try who is having trouble paying attention in lecture
  • But it might also be helpful for you if your episodes are the kind someone can help you avert if you see one coming on
  • Because then you’d already be communicating with your notetaking partner, so if you see a problem coming it might give your the opportunity to get help
 
Another possibility: Are you dealing with a triggering or cognitively incompatible teacher?
  • For some people, teachers who teach in certain ways can be triggering
  • Or can be so hard to understand that they exhaust you in ways that take away the cognitive abilities you need to do school
  • Or can be hostile to you in subtle but intensely destructive ways
  • Or any number of other serious points of incompatibility
  • If you’re having a debilitating reaction to a particular teacher, it’s probably really important to not take classes with that teacher, even if it looks like a good idea on paper

(There’s a range of different things that work for different people, so it would also be good to seek out different perspectives.)

A problem with “difference”

Real Social Skills
“Everyone is different” is not always a positive message. Because, yes, everyone is different and unique and special. And that matters. But not everyone is equally different.
Sometimes, kids grow up knowing that they are very different from everyone they’ve met, and that this difference is stigmatized. And sometimes, they have no words for it. And they can feel that it’s not at all the same as just everyone has their own uniqueness.
And they don’t know that this major stigmatized difference is *something that they have in common with other people.*
Sometimes, they don’t need to hear once again that everyone is different and that it’s ok to be different. Sometimes what they need to hear is that there are other people like them.

Conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
 
What are the conventions for going to a funeral at a church or other holy place outside of your faith/atheism? Is there a polite way to refuse touch on these situations?
 
realsocialskills answered:
 
That depends on the nature of your faith. Different traditions have different attitudes towards going into places of worship associated with other religions. And ultimately, it’s a matter of what your perspective on these things is.
 
One approach is that going to a funeral doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with religion or your religious beliefs. It can be about supporting people who are going through the awful experience of losing someone they care about. That’s generally understood to be one reason people go to funerals. Going to a funeral is not taken as a sign that you believe in that faith, just that you care about the people.
 
Most, but not all, religions make it possible to be in the service without actively participating in affirmations of faith. Because most religions accept that people have a legitimate reason to be present other than being part of that faith. For some people, that makes it ok to be at funerals in houses of worship that have very different values than their own – because they aren’t affirming that faith by being there; just supporting people in their grief.
 
But it’s also ok if your faith or atheism means that you’re unable to be present during the rituals of another faith. For some people, that’s really important. (It’s also important not to be a jerk about it.) If you’re not able to be present at the funeral, there are other ways you can offer support. For instance, calling them a few days later, or coming by, and checking how they’re doing and whether they want to talk. In some ways that can be more helpful than the funeral because sometimes people can be very alone and isolated after the public ritual has ended.
 
In terms of polite ways to avoid touch, it depends on which religious group you are talking about. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not. When it’s not, it’s ok if that means you need to avoid that kind of service and find out ways to support mourners.
 
There is a useful book called How to be a perfect stranger that gives a guide to what’s likely to happen and be expected at various places of worship. That might be helpful in navigating these things.
 
 

Who is and isn’t seen as having the right to cuss

Real Social Skills
A reader commented:
One thing about what age it becomes acceptable to swear: It can vary not just depending on location, it can also vary depending on your gender and disability status, and possibly other things i know less about. if you are female and/or disabled, people may want to preserve your “innocence” and may have a bad reaction to you swearing at a later age than they would if you were an able-bodied, neurotypical male. This is especially true for severely disabled people, regardless of gender.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, this is definitely true.
It can also be connected to not wanting people to be able to have boundaries.
Cussing is a particularly emphatic and unequivocal form of “no”.
Some people aren’t perceived as having a right to that kind of power.

Hierarchies of cussing

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I’ve never understood which swearwords are worse than others. It’s only in very recent years that I’ve heard people saying that the c-word is the worst of all. Before that I assumed the f-word was the worst swearword. Is there a pretty specific hierarchy of severity?
realsocialskills answered:
It depends on the context.
There are different kinds of swear words:
  • Profanity based on religious concepts (“Go to hell”, “Goddammit”)
  • Sexual or scatological swears (“Fuck off”, “shit”)
  • Then there are slurs that derive their power from invoking hatred of a particular group (eg, the n-word, the r-word, the t-word and the g-word (I don’t like to spell out slurs – if you don’t know which words I mean, send me a message and I’ll tell you).

There is also some ambiguity:

  • Sexual swears have substantial overlap with misogynist or homophobic slurs
  • Telling someone to “fuck off” generally isn’t a slur, but telling someone they need to get laid often is
  • Calling someone a bastard or an SOB tends to not be meant literally or intended to invoke stigma associated with being born out of wedlock. But it definitely has origins as a slur and is often still intentionally used that way. It’s the kind of swear word that is highly context dependent – in some situations it’s considered a fairly mild swear; among people who are regularly called those things as slurs it is *not* mild
  • In the US, calling someone the c-word is a misogynist slur. I’m not sure that’s the case in other parts of the world.

Which type of swear word is considered more severe is heavily context-dependent:

  • In secular culture, religion-related profanity is generally considered the mildest. That is not necessarily the case among religious people.
  • Slurs properly *ought* to be considered the worst words, but they tend not to be. For instance, you can say them on television without bleeping in the US, but you can’t say most of the sexual and scatological swears
  • But some people aren’t offended at all by “fuck”, but are extremely offended by slurs (that might be behind people’s reaction to the c-word).

A lot also depends on how the word is being used. There are a lot of nuances. For instance, here are some variations on the uses of scatological, sexual, and profane swear words:

  • Saying a word by itself to express frustration or pain is one of the more mild forms of swearing (eg: dropping something on your toe and exclaiming “fuck!”). This is generally considered acceptable for adults, although the range of words considered acceptable varies.
  • This is generally not considered acceptable for young children; the age at which it becomes socially acceptable depends a lot on where you are
  • Using a cuss word to describe someone or their work is considered more severe (eg: “That’s a shitty piece of art.”; “People who think that’s ok can just fuck right off”)
  • Actually saying the word to someone you think it about directly is the most severe form of swearing, generally speaking (eg: “Fuck you”.)

These words can get really complicated and confusing, and the rules are different in different places. It’s not just you – it’s confusing and context dependent.