Tag: social skills

Can “you’re scaring/hurting me, please stop” get twisted and become a bad/manipulative thing?

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Can “you’re scaring/hurting me, please stop” get twisted and become a bad/manipulative thing? I’m thinking it can, but am not sure where the line is.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, it definitely can. I don’t know how to describe where the line is, but it’s definitely possible to use those phrases to manipulate or hurt others.

Anti-lesbian hate joke example

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
The racist ice cream joke you just posted about can also be swung in the direction of sexual harassment. When kids found out my friend and I were lesbians, they would torment us with similar jokes just to get us to “admit” to liking dick. I still don’t understand why jokes like that could be funny to anyone.
realsocialskills said:
Yes, that’s another really common kind of hate joke. I have some theories about why people tell jokes like that, but they’re not yet well-formed enough to explain outside my head.

Something white people need to stop doing

Real Social Skills

A lot of times, white people call things or people racist as a joke or a generic insult. For instance:

  • In response to someone expressing a preference for white shoes over black shoes
  • In response to someone saying something that offends them for some unrelated reason
  • In response to expressing connection to a particular ethnicity
  • In response to mentioning that white people are white and it matters

It’s not ok to do this because:

  • Jokes like that work by assuming that calling someone or something racist is inherently absurd
  • Which rests on the assumption that there is never a *real* need to call someone or something racist, because it rests on the assumption that real racism is over except for a few fringe groups with no power
  • But racism is still a problem, and it still does tremendous harm to people of color

Using “racist” as a joke or generic insult sends the message that you refuse to acknowledge that racism is still a problem. It sends the message that you have contempt for people who point out racism. Don’t do that.

“Tell you mom I say hello!”

Real Social Skills
I’ve always been confused about how to handle this situation, and it happens mainly in relation to my family members. For example, I’ll be at a grocery store, and I’ll run into someone who knows me and my parents. After we exchange pleasantries, they’ll say something like “Tell you mom I say hello!” Should I take that literally and tell my mom that person says hello or is it one of those weird social things where people tell you do something, but you don’t really do it?
realsocialskills said:
I think that it’s the kind of thing where it’s ok if you do it, and ok if you don’t.
Like, for instance: “Oh, by the way, I ran into Sarah in the store. She says hi.“
I’ve found that it’s often difficult to pass on the greeting. Sometimes there’s no natural way to do it; sometimes there just isn’t a point in the conversation you have with the person where passing along the greeting would feel on-topic.
And the longer it’s been, the more weird it gets.
It’s ok not to pass on the greeting, and probably better not to if it’s been more than a day or so.
If you don’t pass on the greeting, no one is likely to mind.
The exception is if it’s someone you haven’t seen in a long time and seeing them was generally surprising or otherwise notable. Because then passing on the greeting gives the person you’re passing it to meaningful information. Eg:
“Guess who I saw in the store? Sarah! I haven’t seen her in ages! She says hi.”

Noticing power

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
How do you know if you have power over someone? There are times when it’s obvious, of course, like if you’re someone’s employer or teacher or caretaker. But if you don’t have any power over them in any official capacity, you can still have power over them in other ways that are less obvious. But sometimes I find it hard to tell if someone thinks of themselves as my equal or not, when I don’t have official power over them. Sorry, I know this is probably a stupid question.

realsocialskills said:

This isn’t a stupid question. It’s complicated. There’s no simple way to be sure. Power is something you have to always be noticing.

Some situations in which you have power (not exhaustive; but some things I know about):

  • Someone is financially dependent on you
  • (Including situations in which you’re letting a friend stay with you because they have no other place to go)
  • Someone has been socialized to never say no, and wants to please you
  • Someone you know damaging secrets about, especially if they don’t know any of yours
  • When you’re a senior member of a profession and they’re new
  • You’re interacting with someone who has been socialized not to be able to say no to you
  • You’re much older than the other person, but still young enough to have social power
  • The person you are interacting with lives in a nursing home
  • You are a mental health professional who is likely to be believed if you say someone is suicidal or otherwise in need of coerced treatment (especially if you are that person’s doctor or therapist, but even if you’re not)
  • You’re clergy or have a related kind of religious status
  • You’re bigger and stronger than the other person

Boundaries of talking about sex in public

Real Social Skills
hibikiniviking asked:
 
What do you think about talking sexually (“I got a butt plug” kind of thing) in public (maybe at the mall) with friends? I like to talk about (often, gay) sex (it’s fun and liberating), and don’t care who hears, but there’s the issue of children sometimes being around without my knowing, and other people having had terrible experiences (e.g. rape). So, how does one appropriately talk about sex while keeping in mind the feelings of those who can overhear? Refrain? Whisper? With a protest banner?

realsocialskills said:

I think, generally speaking, it’s rude to talk about explicit details of sex in public places where you are likely to be overheard.

I think this is especially important in contexts in which people can’t escape easily. For instance, having sexually explicit conversations on the subway is bad because people have no choice but to listen.

This isn’t just a matter of consideration for people who have been raped or otherwise harmed. It’s also a matter of boundaries. Most people regard hearing explicit details about someone’s sex life or fantasies to be a form of sexual behavior. (Similar to how people regard phone sex or reading porn as sexual acts). Talking that way around people who don’t want to hear it can be a form of involving others in your sex life without their permission.

It’s especially bad if you’re talking this way when kids are around, which is generally the case in public places.

It’s different in contexts in which there’s an understanding that sexually explicit conversations are likely. For instance, if you’re at a convention centered around sexuality, then having sexually explicit conversations in convention space is probably not rude. (Having them directly *with* people who haven’t indicated clearly that they want to have that kind of conversation with you *is* rude and creepy, though).

It’s also different if you’re keeping a reasonable distance from others and keeping your voices down. If someone has to be going out of their way to listen in order to hear you, then they’re responsible for their decision to eavesdrop.

Basically, don’t subject people to explicit conversations about sexuality unless they’re willing participants.

Note for people on diets

Real Social Skills

I’ve noticed that often, people who diet assume that everyone else around them either is or should be dieting. This can cause problems when they are responsible for feeding others.

Some examples:

  • If someone is planning a conference and all the food they make available is low-calorie
  • If someone is hosting a speaker from out of town in their home, and they only offer them a very small amount of food, and it’s logistically difficult for the speaker to get other food
  • A babysitter feeds active kids a green salad and nothing else for lunch

So, here are some things to keep in mind:

Other people’s nutritional needs might be different from yours. When you’re feeding someone, it’s important to feed them according to *their* nutritional needs.

This is particularly the case if you are on a low-calorie diet. When you are responsible for feeding others, it’s quite likely that they will need more calories than you do. Especially if they are children. Double especially if they are teenagers. (And this is especially important for teenage girls, since they’re often actively being pressured into diet culture.)

Low calorie food isn’t inherently healthy. It’s healthy in a particular set of circumstances. It’s unhealthy and dangerous in others.

If you’re feeding people, meet their nutritional needs. Don’t feed them according to yours.

When people disagree about painful things

Real Social Skills
thehumblearticulatefeminist asked:
Hi! I really like your post ‘don’t tell me my pain is beautiful.’ However I have a slight problem with ‘I think you’re wrong.’ Because oppression is so personally triggering it’s problematic for people to ‘disagree’ and follow with ‘devils advocate.’
realsocialskills answered:
I’m not talking about “devil’s advocate” or any of that kind of thing. I agree that devil’s advocate is a horrible thing to do. Or otherwise treating it as a game or an opportunity for debate practice.
It’s not ok to treat things as a rhetoric context unless everyone involved consents to that. But substantive disagreement is a different thing.
I’m talking about when people actually disagree, for actual reasons. When they’re listening, taking the content seriously, and finding a significant point of disagreement that they think is worth mentioning.
(It’s important to be careful about this, and something being “just your opinion” doesn’t mean that others are bound to respect it. And there are times when you will rightfully be slammed for condescending to people on a topic you’re not informed about. Substantive disagreement is a different thing).
Someone being in pain doesn’t necessarily mean they are right, especially when they are advocating something specific. Finding disagreement triggering also doesn’t mean that the person getting triggered is right.
There are people I block because their comments to some of my entries are triggering for me in ways I can’t handle constructively. That doesn’t mean that I’m right, or that they should stop saying what they think. (I think they’re wrong and that they should change their views, but that’s a separate issue.)
Some things that are really important to talk about are also excruciating. That doesn’t mean that no one can or should disagree with anyone who is suffering.

Don’t tell me my pain is beautiful

Real Social Skills

I’ve seen this happen a lot:

  • Something awful happens to someone
  • Or they see something awful happen to someone else
  • Or they notice a thing that’s awful in the world
  • And then they write something about it
  • And they put a lot of effort into writing it, so it is really polished

And then a lot of people comment along these lines:

  • What a beautiful piece
  • That was so eloquent and moving
  • You’re such a good writer
  • I wish I could write like that

And often, those are the only or the primary comments a post like that gets, especially if it is written in highly personal terms.

I think there is something really wrong with that. Because when someone wrote something like that, the point was to communicate something important. And often, people completely ignore the content and focus on some sort of beauty unrelated to what the writer was actually saying.

When someone’s trying to tell you about violence, the right response isn’t “you’re so awesome at describing this violence in an asthetically pleasing manner!”; it’s “That shouldn’t happen,” or “What can I do to stop this?” or even “I think you’re wrong,” because sometimes you will disagree and sometimes you will be right. In any case, it’s important to take the content seriously.

It’s ok to be happy

Real Social Skills

Sometimes people in abusive or damaging situations feel like they’re not allowed to be happy, or to enjoy anything.

Because, like, if you’re happy and growing, that feels like evidence that maybe the things people are doing to you must be ok. Because if the things were actually bad, you’d be miserable all the time. But, it does not actually work that way.

It’s ok to be happy and like things. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong to object to what they are doing to you or what they did in the past. It doesn’t mean things are ok. It just means that you’re finding some good things, too.