Tag: social skills

When you’re worried about old patterns

Real Social Skills

I hear a lot of people say things along the lines of “My parents treated me badly in this way. I know they learned it from their parents. I’m terrified that this pattern will emerge in me too.”

The thing is, it’s not an either or kind of thing.

The pattern probably will emerge in you, some. You probably will, at various points, do some of the things you learned in childhood. That doesn’t, in itself, mean that you will turn into an abuser (or neglectful or whatever other bad thing).

You can learn how to act better than they did. You probably already have, to a significant extent, since you already know that what they did was bad and that you don’t want to act that way.

Just knowing this changes some things. But, as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t change everything. You still find yourself playing out some of the patterns you learned, even knowing why it’s wrong. And that can be terrifying. It can make you scared that you’ll inevitably turn into the same kind of abuser. But that’s not the reality.

Playing out some of those patterns doesn’t mean you’re bad or that you’re incapable of acting right. It means you’re doing something difficult, and that you’re not always doing it perfectly. It’s not enough to know that things are bad to do. You have to also learn new patterns of interaction. That can be very, very difficult, and it doesn’t happen automatically. And that means, sometimes, you’ll do the things you learned.

When that happens, the important thing is to figure out what happened, to fix any damage it might have done, and to find a better way to act.

A school project not to assign

Real Social Skills

If you are a teacher, do not ask your students to make a family tree as a school assignment. *Especially* do not do this as a class art project to be posted on the wall.

A lot of kids have very complicated families, and complicated feelings about which words to use for which people.

For instance: Some kids call multiple people “mom”. Sometimes this is because they’re being raised by a lesbian couple. Sometimes this is because they are adopted and also maintaining a relationship with their mother who gave birth to them. Sometimes this is because their parents divorced and remarried and they also see their stepparents as parents. None of these relationships map easily onto a family tree project.

Some kids don’t have any parents at all. This isn’t something that they should have to tell their peers if they don’t want to. 

Some kids aren’t sure who their parents are. Is it the people who adopted them when they were a baby and disrupted when they were six? The person who gave birth to them? The people they’re living with now? The one nice staff in their group home? The person they’re in foster care with who they’re hoping will eventually adopt them? It’s complicated and not ok to ask kids to declare this in writing in front of everyone.

There are any number of emotionally fraught and complicated situations that go along with describing families. It’s not good to have kids do that as part of an assignment, unless you’re working in a context in which getting people to do emotionally fraught things is appropriate.

Feeling like a terrible awful person

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
I’m sorry if this is a stupid question, but it’s gotten pretty bad… whenever I have a moment to think– usually when I’m laying down for bed– my mind defaults to thinking up every single reason I’m a terrible awful failure who doesn’t deserve to exist, and it ends up causing a sort of feedback loop that magnifies those feelings a hundredfold. Do you know anyone who does something similar or might have some advice for breaking the cycle? TIA.
realsocialskils answered:
This isn’t a stupid question. It’s a hard situation to be in, and you’re definitely not the only one.
For me, it helps to have some TV episodes of a show I’ve seen before and like playing in the background when I’m going to sleep. That way, I don’t have totally blank space available to be filled with that kind of thinking.
I also have friends who can help me remember that I don’t actually suck when I’m feeling that way. And at this point, I’ve had that conversation with them enough times that sometimes I can think through what they’d say when I’m in that state of mind.
Some people like things like Calming Manatee, or other cute animal with a positive message sites. That doesn’t work for me, but it does work for a number of people I know.
There are probably better things to do that I don’t know about. Do any of y’all have suggestions?

Borrowing computers

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Hi… I have a suggestion I’d really like to see: a post with more about people asking to borrow your computer and similar issues and why this can be a problem. Thanks for the blog! 🙂
realsocialskills answered:
Here’s how I’d explain it to people who are inclined to expect to have the use of other people’s computers:
Some people experience their computer/iPad/phone/etc as part of their body and find losing control over these things intensely distressing. Asking to borrow a computer can be like asking to borrow part of someone’s body.
Even for people who do not feel that way – Computers and things are expensive. Some people don’t like to share them, because they depend on them heavily and wouldn’t be able to afford to replace them.
Don’t put people in the position of having to tell you they don’t trust you not to break their computer. There’s no polite way to say that.
It can be ok to ask, but it’s important not to assume that the answer will be yes. And if you’re anticipating the need for a computer during the day, plan ahead rather than putting others on the spot.
For instance:
  • If you know you’ll need to look things up during the day, and you also know that Bob always carries an iPad, don’t just assume that you’ll be able to use his.
  • Either ask in advance, or bring your own
  • If you’re going to need a computer for a presentation or to show a video or something, it’s very important not to assume you’ll be able to use someone else’s.
  • Ask ahead of time, and take no for an answer if someone says no
  • Putting people on the spot pressures them to say yes even if it’s not really ok with them
  • Because it’s likely that everyone will think it’s their fault for ruining your presentation if they don’t agree to share their computer
  • Don’t do this to people.
Some people are happy to occasionally allow friends and coworkers to use their computers. Other people aren’t. It’s ok to be unwilling to share, and the reasons why are no one else’s business. Don’t pressure people into doing things with their computer that they’re not really ok with.

Do not touch other people’s musical instruments

Real Social Skills

chavisory said:

Same as with assistive equipment and service animals-you shouldn’t even touch somebody else’s instrument without asking, usually. Again, unless some kind of unusual familiarity or intimacy creates an exception

realsocialskills said:

Yes. And also, this is *especially* the case if they are not present. Because some instruments are easy to break accidentally in ways that aren’t obvious. If you touch someone’s instrument when they’re not there, they can’t stop you from doing things that will break it.

About musical instruments

Real Social Skills

Serious musicians often experience their instruments as an extension of their body. In any case, their instruments are usually deeply personal things.

High-level instruments also tend to be very expensive and difficult to replace.

Therefore, you should never play a musician’s instrument without asking first.

It’s a good idea to err on the side of not asking, unless you have a very good reason to suspect that they might be ok with sharing their instrument. (Eg: you’re very close friends and you’re both musicians, or you know they’ve been ok with other people playing them sometimes). And it’s good to ask in a way that makes it clear that it’s a request, not a demand.

Pianos and keyboards are a partial exception – since it’s relatively difficult to break them, and they’re usually played by more than one person, most people who have pianos are willing to let other people play them. But it’s still good form to ask.

Some things you can do alone

Real Social Skills

Sometimes people don’t want to interact. In those times, it’s important to have stuff you can be ok doing by yourself. This can also be important if you’re waiting for something and stressed about it.

For some people, that can be very difficult.

Here are things that work for some people:

  • Carrying a drawing pad for doodling.
  • Playing iPhone games
  • writing things (stories, blog posts, thoughts about how you’re feeling)
  • Making lists (eg: of your favorite ball players, of all the country songs involving watermelon you can think of, things you’re anxious about, things you might like to eat)
  • reading a book
  • building things with legos or neoballs

What are some other things?

Asking followup questions

Real Social Skills
A reader asked:
Is it OK to ask follow-up questions? So if I asked someone “Would you like some of my ice cream?“, and they said no but I felt there was more to it, and I said something like “should I avoid offering you food?”, would that be OK?
This is often ok, yes.
I think phrasing it as “Would you rather I didn’t offer you food?” would be slighting better. “Should I…” could be perceived as defensive, It could also be read as you wanting them to offer a reason that you could  potentially argue with. “Would you rather…” is clearer about wanting to know what their preferences are.
If you can read body language, pay attention to it when you’re asking questions. If they seem uncomfortable, it’s probably better not to ask additional follow up questions.
(If they’re a friend, it might be appropriate to ask if they’re ok. If they’re a professional associate, err on the side of backing off.)
Sometimes it’s better to back off rather than try to fix things, especially if the problem is that someone is feeling really self-concious.

Explaining an idiom: ‘knock on wood’

Real Social Skills
Anonymous asked:
Idioms: Knock on wood?
Knock on wood is a superstitious idiom. It means something like “I really hope to avoid jinxing the outcome I consider desirable.”
Example:
  • Janet: How’s it going?
  • Bill: Things are really great! My business is doing super well, and I think we’re about to get a really big contract.
  • Bill: …knock on wood.

What Bill means is something “I think I’m going to get this contract, but I’m kind of worried that my confidence will jinx it. I am acknowledging this in hopes that it will protect me and that I will in fact get the important contract.”