Tag: social skills

Dealing with authority figures who make you really anxious or uncomfortable

Real Social Skills

kazahayakudo asked:

…Do you have any advice for dealing with authority figures who make you really anxious or uncomfortable? My math professor yells really loudly and is really angry almost every class, and it startles and upsets me into not being able to listen to his lecture because I feel scared, but I’m not in a position to ask him to lower his voice. Should I email one of his superiors? I am not sure what to do.

I haven’t found a way to complain to superiors that helps; when I’ve tried it’s usually made things worse. This is not to say that it can’t be done – but I don’t know how, so I can’t tell you how.

The only thing I’ve found that works well is to avoid authority figures who act like that. When I’ve been in school I’ve, as much as possible, selected classes largely on the basis of who was teaching them. I make this a priority because I know that I can learn better from people who treat me well.

I understand that this is not always possible (although, keeping in mind that it’s ok to make it a priority makes it more possible than it might seem if you haven’t approached it that way before).

When it’s not possible to avoid bad authority figures, what I do is avoid interacting with the problematic person as much as possible. In particular, I avoid depending on them. If I need help, I ask someone else. If I can’t understand their lecture, I try to learn out of the book. (Likewise at work. If I have a boss who treats me poorly and obstructs my work, I try to avoid relying on them to get things done.)

That sometimes works. Not always.

One suggestion for your particular situation – might earplugs or headphones be an option to reduce the intrusiveness of his loud voice?

Creating personal space by moving away

Real Social Skills

orima-kazooie asked realsocialskills:

…Perhaps it’s not the most subtle or polite but jerking or yanking your arm away or like just kind of jumping a little immediately as if it were reflexive can generally get the message across without upsetting people.

That’s interesting. I’m not sure how I’d do that, because I’m not sure what reads as a reflex to most people. But it sounds like a really good idea.

Don’t hang your legitimacy on ideology

Real Social Skills

This dynamic happens a lot with autistic or otherwise socially-marginalized people:

  • You’re not treated as fully real, for your whole life
  • And you don’t even realize it, because it’s pervasive. You don’t know that it’s possible to be treated as real. You don’t know this isn’t normal.

And then you discover a group of people who seem to approve of you

  • They’re an ideological group, and they approve of anyone who shares their ideology
  • And their ideology seems plausible, or valuable, or good
  • And it has some concepts that allow you to understand things you never understood before
  • And you adopt the ideology
  • You’re accepted into the group. In a way you’ve never been accepted before.
  • And they treat you more like a real person than anyone else has before
  • And you yourself *feel* more real than you ever felt before

And so you throw yourself into the ideology

  • Passionately, completely, and sincerely
  • And you care deeply about understanding it, and using the concepts, and doing good and right
  • And so you work really hard
  • And then, eventually, this pulls you away from the ideology
  • Because you learn something, or notice something, that the ideology doesn’t cover
  • And that makes you a heretic
  • And you lose your standing in the group

And then they stop treating you as real. And then you wonder if you are real, if maybe you’re just not good enough for anything. And then maybe you find another ideological group, and it repeats over and over and over. Because you think the problem is that you just haven’t found the right ideology, and that if you find the right one, it won’t fall apart.

Until you realize that, actually, you were real the whole time. And that groups that only think their members are real people are never going to solve the problem. And that when they treat anyone as non-real, it’s a threat to you, too. Because you have to think everyone is real, because everyone *is* real. And seeing people as unpeople is always destructive.

And then you realize that the world is both better and worse than you thought it was. Worse, because there’s no ideological group that will solve everything, but the awful things the ideological groups notice are often true. Better, because everyone is already real, and genuine respect between people is already possible. Because you don’t have to wait for a revolution to be a person, and neither does anyone else.

Another kind of reply

Real Social Skills

lawlandauror asked realsocialskills:

.There is a sorority at my college who’s charity is Autism Speaks. All their promotional material and events are making me really uncomfortable. I’m not autistic but I am nueroatypical. I don’t want to talk over autistic people, but I also don’t want to stay silent. What can I do in this situation?

A few things I’d say, in addition to signing the pledge and urging others to do so:

I think what you need to bear in mind is that you’re not speaking for autistic people, you’re saying why Autism Awareness is bad. You don’t need to be autistic to understand that. So long as you’re not claiming to speak for others, I think you’re probably ok.

(For instance, don’t say “autistic people don’t like autism speaks!”, say something like “autism speaks doesn’t have any autistic people in positions of leadership and that’s a problem”).

Also, don’t expect any kind of emotional reaction from autistic folks as a result of what you say. Don’t expect autistic people to be grateful, or to be moved that someone is saying something. Sometimes that might happen. But it shouldn’t be the reason you’re speaking up, and it shouldn’t be something you expect. If you’re putting additional emotional pressure on autistic folks, you’re doing it wrong.

And also, Awareness paints a pretty broad brush. Autistic people get the most direct hate this month, but it’s also when people promote a model of neurological disability that’s dangerous for everyone. Feeling personally threatened by that is not appropriative or silencing. If that’s part of what’s going on for you, it’s ok to say so.

Typing is important

Real Social Skills

Some people communicate better by typing than they do with their voices.

Some people need to do both at different times, or even within the same conversation.

Maybe you’re like that. Maybe you could say more things if you used your hands and a keyboard rather than your voice sometimes.

You almost certainly know people who could communicate better if they didn’t always have to speak.

Knowing that this is a thing is important. So is being a safe person for other people to type to if they should.

Something non-autistic folks can do to combat the Autism Awareness mentality

Real Social Skills

lawlandauror asked realsocialskills:

.There is a sorority at my college who’s charity is Autism Speaks. All their promotional material and events are making me really uncomfortable. I’m not autistic but I am nueroatypical. I don’t want to talk over autistic people, but I also don’t want to stay silent. What can I do in this situation?

You can sign this pledge, and urge others to do so (https://www.autismacceptancemonth.com/pledge/):

I pledge to only attend, speak at or otherwise participate in autism panels, conferences and events that meaningfully involve Autistic people. I choose not to give my business or my time to settings that fail to include Autistic voices in conversations about autism.

Remembering that you are not alone

Real Social Skills

April is a brutal month.

There’s a lot of hate directed at autistic people, during April.

The same people who bullied us in high school, have Awareness events in college. They think they’re better than us. They put on rallies and events telling the world how awful it is that we exist.

At the same time they lament our existence, they ignore our presence and voices. They don’t really understand that autistic people are real. They just wish that we weren’t.

And, during April, it seems like everyone is in on it. Even people you otherwise like. Even people you thought better of. It’s everywhere. You can’t get away from it. It’s scary and humiliating, and it can be overwhelming.

It isn’t actually everyone, though. Not everyone hates you for being disabled. Not everyone wants to erase you. Some people understand. You are not alone. And it helps to remember that.

Even the hate only goes down to a certain point. It’s possible not to believe them. It’s possible to create space for yourself that that they can’t touch. Keeping that in mind helps, too.

And you’re already real. You’re already worthwhile. The people who think you need a cure to be a person are wrong. You are a person. The people trying to convince you otherwise are being horrible.

You are not alone. Try to keep that in mind as much as you can, and reach out to the people who can support you.

We’re all better off when what we need is socially acceptable

Real Social Skills

One of the best things about iPads is that they make it possible to do things people with disabilities need without invoking disability stigma. Because iPads are just iPads. They’re not special technology that only Really Disabled people are allowed to use.

And that’s better. That means a lot of disabled folks can use them who were never able to use adapative technology before. Because they didn’t fall into the categories they and others read as Allowed To Use Disability Equipment.

Other things are like that too. Stimming being more popular and socially accepted would be good for us. Gatekeeping about who is allowed to do it hurts us.

Everyone should be able to type rather than speak if they want. Everyone should be able to rock and move and think.

I suspect this is true for a lot of other access issues too.

If you want to avoid making enemies, it’s important to be careful about your friends

Real Social Skills

Most personal enemies start out as friends, or apparent friends.

When you treat someone as a friend, it makes you vulnerable, because:

  • People you’re close to know things about how your mind works that they can use to manipulate you
  • Friends count on each other to actively treat one another well. If you count on someone and they aren’t actually trustworthy, you get hurt
  • Friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. If you give someone the benefit of the doubt and they don’t actually mean well, this gives them a large opening to do you harm.

It also means they know private things about you that they can use against you if they decide to be your enemy, and that people who perceive them as close to you might trust their opinion.

Sometimes you shouldn’t give people a chance to get close to you. Sometimes it’s not a good idea to allow yourself to become vulnerable in that way.

Not everyone is a good friend.

I wish I had known this sooner.

Skype

Real Social Skills

Some people prefer to type. Some people prefer to speak.

Skype is a platform that makes it very easy to have a conversation in which both people can use the mode of communication they prefer.

Video and audio being on doesn’t mean that both people have to speak. It just means that speaking is available as an option.